Ali The Bachelorette ep 3: Blame It On Chris Harrison

It’s always a joy when Chris Harrison shows up at the beginning of the show to dispense free advice like “Use your time with Ali wisely.”  He’s a real Confucius, that one.  For some reason, this one sentence was brought up a million times throughout the episode.

Roberto got the first solo date of the week, which is a joy to many ladiez I know because that meant more screen time for his lovely face.  Ali arrived and Roberto was sipping on a pre-date Corona by the pool.  He keeps it classy.  Then we were all treated to the first helicopter ride of the season!  Once again, she’s afraid of flying so why do they keep making her go up in the air?  Lucky for her, the date involved walking between two skyscrapers on tightropes.  Who comes up with this crap?

Ali asked Roberto if he was ready to fall for her, which I’m pretty sure is the line Jake used on Vienna before they bungee jumped last year.  Besides, aren’t they supposed to not fall when tightrope walking?  Midway between buildings, billions of feet above the air (I could be off, I didn’t stop to measure), Ali and Roberto shared their first kiss.  Awww, how adorably terrifying!

The date included them watching the sunset over the beautiful, smog-filled horizon of LA.  Ali revealed that she might not be pretty enough for Roberto.  Not that she worries herself with superficial horse poo, right?

Gang Wars!  Well, that’s what I thought was going to happen when the group of 9 + Ali were cruising around the deserted streets of LA.  It’s usually not a good sign if you’re on an empty road in the middle of the most traffic-congested city in the universe (as declared by me). 

Instead of a gang, they were greeted by the Barenaked Ladies (the band, you pervert).  Ali and her harem got to be in the video for “You Run Away.”  Ali should take that advice and sprint far away from some of these clowns…ahem…the Weatherman. 

Speaking of the show’s very own forecaster, the Weatherman almost had a panic attack when he found out he had to kiss Ali in the video.  I have to agree with Chris L that it just might have been ol’ Weatherboy’s first smooch ever.  He’s such a little bitch and freaks out about every little task.  Take a pill!  When it was time to get down to business, the guys laughed at him and he cried.  Seriously?  Ali then gave him a really solid pity kiss.  According to the Weatherman, “When Ali kissed me, it was just like a rocket ship blasting off.”…in your pants?

Frank was having a meltdown of his own this episode.  His jealousy reared its ugly head while he watched the other guys, especially Kirk, kiss Ali during the shoot.  For their scene, Ali had to slap Frank 9 times, and I think he kinda deserved it for his irrational possessiveness.   

I think a new frontrunner was born during the video shoot.  Ali had to roll around in bed, wearing only lingerie, and makeout with Kirk.  Bonerville!  All the guys left the room because it got too steamy, and the lovebirds didn’t stop kissing after the director yelled cut.

At the wrap party, Chris L and Ali made quite the connection while discussing his tattoo of his mother’s signature.  He told her that his mother passed away and Ali changed the subject before it got too intense. 

The awkward meter went off the charts during the Weatherman and Ali’s alone time.  They were talking over each other like girlfriends until he asked her if they could go somewhere for their first real kiss.  Luckily, Craig interrupted and saved Ali from an uncomfortable shut down speech!

Frank’s mental battle with Kirk continued at the after party, he was scared that Kirk getting a rose would somehow affect his chances.  When Ali and Kirk had a Blind Date-style hot tub session, Frank jumped in and interrupted their romance.  Kirk received the date rose and was kinda shocked and declared, “She likes me for me.”—like Blessid Union of Souls circa 1999.

Rated-R took Chris Harrison’s advice (or at least his own interpretation of it) and hobbled his way to Ali’s house.  The producers somehow scrambled to get a helicopter to follow him on his journey.  When Rated-R arrived at her house, he interrupted Ali talking to the cameras about why she picked Hunter for her one-on-one date.  She looked shocked and terrified at first, but then they had a heartwarming chat about his family.  Someone had to be made into the villain once Craig M left and he was the easiest choice.  However, I’m not buying his act--he seems like a turdbucket to me. 

Rated-R went back to the house and lied about where he was.  Sleeping is always a good excuse, I suppose.  I’m all for doing what you’ve got to do to get your one-on-one time, but it wasn’t cool that Rated-R’s stunt infringed on Hunter’s date.  Where’s Dave from Jillian’s season when you need him to call a violation of man code?

Later, Rated-R spent some quality time in the hot tub with the other guys and declared he’d give up the glamorous world of entertainment wrestling for Ali.  When all the guys didn’t buy it, he told them about his absentee dad and cried.  It was all very strange.

I had the joy of watching this week’s episode with a very special (and straight) manfriend of mine, who declared “What an odd looking creature” when Hunter first came onscreen. Hilarious.  Later, he decided that Hunter looks like Bania from Seinfeld.  You be the judge.

Ali finally arrived to pick up Hunter in an outfit that you’d sleep or paint your house in.  They had a low-key date at her house, and cooked like 25 hamburgers.  Why?  During this time, Hunter volunteered to be her househusband.   The date seemed like two friends hanging out on a Tuesday night, except for the million times that Hunter called her “baby” which was just creepy.  In the end, Ali gave Hunter a nice little “let’s just be friends speech” and sent him on his way.  Meh.

The cocktail party started with a toast to Hunter and Ali had a very full glass of white wine.  That’ll help the decision-making process.

Ali seemed to be feeling Chris L as they discussed their love of seafood.  He wants to go to Maine for some lobster and she talked about playing flip cup with his dad…foreshadowing?

Rated-R preemptively told Ali that he has conflict with the other guys before they rat him out.  She compared his situation to Vienna.  Uhh, why would that make it better when she hated Vienna?   I get her point, but just because it worked for Jake does not mean it will work for you, sister.

 Later, Ty got caught talking smack about Rated-R, who then made a speech about never having had a problem making friends until this show.  Snooki had that problem the first night on the Jersey Shore.  Maybe he’ll become the breakout star of The Bachelorette.  Nah, his hair isn’t tall enough.

I felt bad for poor, ignored Steve (who looks kinda like a dark-haired Bradley Cooper), but his impromptu champagne picnic in the front yard was adorable.  He’s never had a date, but he felt really confident going into the rose ceremony which is always dangerous.

Ali “let it slip” to Roberto that Rated-R hobbled to her house.  Once that news got out, the mob immediately went on attack.  Rated-R admitted it and then braced himself for crucifixion.  He blamed his actions on Chris Harrison’s advice—poor Chris, always the scapegoat.  The best part was when Kreepy Kasey called Rated-R creepy! 

Craig, the lawyer, called himself “a bullshit detector. That’s what I do for a living, I detect bullshit.”  No sir, you spew bullshit.  Rated-R was outside crying (there were more tears shed on this episode than an entire season of The Bachelor!) while all the guys talked smack about him inside.  According to Craig, “Rated-R stands for Retired.”  Based on what?  You all successfully ganging up on him?  I don’t like the dude, but the rest of the guys are pulling some Lord of the Flies crap on Rated-R and that just ain’t right.

“To me, Justin is two-faced like Mr. Jekyll and…Hyde”—Ty (What a moron!) 

Roberto

Frank

Chris L and Kirk are sneaking up there

Roberto

Kirk

Chris L

Jesse (nice denim shirt, 1992!)

Chris N (looks a little like a poor man’s Ryan Sutter)

Ty

Kreepy Kasey (must go home next week!)

Craig

Frank

Weatherman

Rated-R