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Are You a Public Restroom Talker?

Updated on March 13, 2014
Jeannieinabottle profile image

Jeannie has been writing for HubPages for over 5 years. She covers a wide variety of topics - anything from hamsters to office work.

Handle Your Business

The public restroom is a place we all fear, yet most of us are forced to use it. You never know the true evil that could be lurking on those toilet seats. Those toilets probably have a terrifying tale to tell, but thankfully, they can't talk. You know who can talk? You!

Many people love to talk and will happily chat away with just about anyone. However, the one place we should probably just keep our mouths shut is the public restroom. It is in everyone's best interest to just do what needs to be done and get out as fast as humanly possible. It seems, however, there are some folks that just like to linger.

If you are the type of person that stands (or sits) in a public restroom and gabs away, you are a public restroom talker. In many instances your behavior is totally acceptable and you will not be shunned from the bathroom. However, sometimes you are just absolutely annoying.

So how do you know if you are a public restroom talker? Even worse, how do you know if you are a nuisance in the restroom? Well, I am happy you asked. Let me break down the levels of public restroom talkers for you:

Level 1 - The Polite Talker

In all honestly, most of us are bathroom talkers or public restroom talkers from time to time. You go into the bathroom at work and see a co-worker coming out of a stall, so naturally you say, "hi." That is what is socially acceptable. You are a level1 public restroom talker.

Level 1 public restroom talking also includes women that insist on going to the bathroom together at restaurants and stores, yet they don't say that much to each other while they are there. Basically, once the stall door closes, the conversation stops. Seriously, sometimes it takes some thought to handle everything that must occur in the stall - check for a damp toilet seat, wipe the damp toilet seat, cover seat with paper, make sure toilet paper is there, and that is before you even sit down! This is not the time for a major conversation.

Even after leaving the stall, level 1 public restroom talkers tend to still keep it quiet. They basically try to keep conversations to a minimum. It is all about being polite, potentially sharing toilet paper with another restroom stall user in a toilet paper crisis situation, and getting out of the bathroom.

Level 2 - The Chatter

Sometimes people do not understand that bathrooms are intended for certain purposes and having lengthy conversations is not one of them. A level 2 public restroom talker wants to chat with you while going in the bathroom, while standing at the sink, and even while in the stalls.

Level 2 bathroom chatting is awkward since there never even seems to be an appropriate time to flush the toilet. When does the conversation end and the flushing begin? These are tough questions. The level 2 public restroom talker can be fairly annoying unless two level 2 talkers go to the restroom together.

Level 3 - The Stalker

The level 3 public restroom talker takes the conversation to a whole new level. Level 3 is beyond just your average chatting in the bathroom; level 3 is stalking.

A level 3 public restroom talker will purposely go to the bathroom with you to corner you. This likely happens at work when you are trying to avoid a co-worker. She will actually follow you into the restroom and then there is no escape.

While trying to use the bathroom, you are forced to listen to her story about how her neighbors found her lost dog, how she's behind with her credit card bills, buying her her new stapler for her desk, how there are not enough hours in the day, and all about the new spreadsheet system. Forget about the flush - it won't save you from the conversation. It still continues while the toilet is flushing. As soon as you leave the stall, you discover your co-worker has merely been waiting for you to finish because that chat is just not over.

Level 3 public restroom talkers are unafraid! There is absolutely nothing that can stop them from talking to you. Odors, weird sounds, and anything else will not deter them from chatting endlessly. The level 3 bathroom stalker is by far the most annoying and an unstoppable force in the restroom.

Anyone Can Change

It is important to know that anyone can change at any time. Just because you are at level 3 does not mean you can't stop what you are doing. Recognize that you have a problem and deal with it. All you have to do is stop following people into the bathroom to ramble on endlessly. With a little effort, you could easily become a level 2 in no time. Then you would only be mildly annoying! Good luck!

To all you level 2 public restroom talkers out there, now you know why people don't want to hang out with you in the bathroom! It is so easy to tone it down and become a level 1 within no time. Level 1 public restroom talkers are socially acceptable in any situation. Good luck and happy potty time!


Copyright ©2013 Jeannieinabottle

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  • Alecia Murphy profile image

    Alecia Murphy 4 years ago from Wilmington, North Carolina

    Awesome once again! I'm a level one. Don't ever want to move up for the reasons you say. I like to go to the bathroom just to use the bathroom. Now their are not only talkers talking to people in the bathroom but annoying people texting and talking to others on the phone. Seriously? Can you not put the phone down long enough while you do your business so I don't have to hear you talk about your relationship, work, family business, etc.? Okay, rant over. Great hub!

  • billybuc profile image

    Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

    No friggin way am I talking to someone in a public restroom. Guys have a tendency to keep as silent as possible while doing their business. :) Great hub, Jeannie! You never disappoint.

  • lambservant profile image

    Lori Colbo 4 years ago from Pacific Northwest

    The worst is listening to someone on their cell phone while you are both in a stall. Here's an example of cell phone user I heard. Apparently she was already on the phone when I sat on the throne.

    Woman: What are you doing?

    Me: What?

    Woman: Sh_t!

    Me: Uh, you talking to me?

    Woman: F you, you lying bastard.

    At this point I figured since I'm not a bastard she must be talking on the phone. I was at this point trying not to tinkle too loud so I could hear the conversation. Yes, I eavesdropped.

    The rest of her conversation with the Bastard was filled with the S-word, Crap, bulls_ _ _, and a few other bathroom expletives. Hilarious. When F-bombs started flying I flushed, washed and ran.

  • shin_rocka04 profile image

    shin_rocka04 4 years ago from Maryland

    Lol. This post is hilarious. I just go in there. Do what I gotta do and keep it moving.

  • pstraubie48 profile image

    Patricia Scott 4 years ago from sunny Florida

    I think I am a zero...I hold my breath, rush in, TCOB, wash, hold the door with paper towel, and exist.

    this is too funny....I know someone in each of those levels...they will be seeing this hub in their email.

    Sending you Angels and thanks for the smiles...:) ps

  • KathyH profile image

    KathyH 4 years ago from Las Vegas, Nevada

    Uh oh... I think I used to be a level 3 at work. :) My co-worker and I got along so well, we'd keep talking even in the bathroom... and of course sometimes that involved a joke about "do you have a square to spare?" If you ever watched that episode of Seinfeld, you know exactly what I'm talking about! ;)

    I did overhear a customer one time telling her little girl if she tinkled she would get a Barbie doll... so I asked if I could get one, too! ;) She had an excellent sense of humor and cracked up laughing about it! :)

  • MJennifer profile image

    Marcy J. Miller 4 years ago from Arizona

    This is awesome, Jeannie. Back when I actually had gainful employment, there used to be those awkward restroom encounters with women with whom I had nothing in common. The conversations always centered around hair. It seemed like a bad sitcom standing gag -- I'd emerge from the stall only to be faced with the same woman, every day, who would (every day) ask: "Did you cut your hair?" Good grief! No! And I didn't cut it yesterday, or the day before, and really, who cares? There are people dying in Syria, folks!

    And @lambservant -- I already used to hate talking on anyone else's cell phone (it's sort of like using someone else's toothbrush, especially when you see their blush or lipstick smeared across the face of it) but now I have another reason to just say no!

  • lambservant profile image

    Lori Colbo 4 years ago from Pacific Northwest

    O MJennifer, good point. Never again.

  • carol7777 profile image

    carol stanley 4 years ago from Arizona

    An interesting topic and I so agree with you. I go in and out even when it is a place where I frequent. Thanks for addressing this situation.

  • Jeannieinabottle profile image
    Author

    Jeannie InABottle 4 years ago from Baltimore, MD

    Alecia, you are so right! I should have created a special section just for the cell phone talkers. It is creepy since you aren't sure if they are talking to you.

    Bill, hahaha... I wondered what was going on in the men's room. Two guys at my job seem to always go at the same time. They have "bro talks" in the bathroom. One of the guys says it is pretty awkward though. Haha.

    lambservant - I don't blame you for eavesdropping. Like I always say, when you decide to take your private conversation out in the public, the public is going to listen.

    shin_rocka04 - That is right. Do what needs to be done and get on out. :-)

    pstraubie48 - I like to hold my breath when needed, too. No conversations necessary!!!

    KathyH - I love the spare a square episode, too! I had one particular co-worker in mind when I wrote this. She follows her boss into the bathroom and talks to her about work the whole time her boss is trying to use the bathroom. Good thing her boss isn't a guy! ;-)

    MJennifer - I never mind the hair conversations too much. I get frustrated when I can't even use the bathroom without someone annoying me about a work related project. Shesh!

    carol7777, I am here to address those difficult topics! Hehehe. Yeah, I prefer to just make it happen as quickly as possible, too.

    Thanks everyone for your comments!

  • PaisleeGal profile image

    Pat Materna 4 years ago from Memphis, Tennessee, USA

    Jeannie once again you bring a smile to my face about a topic that we all can relate to. I work in an office with about 150 women. Most get in / out quickly but there's a couple I try and avoid in the restroom area as well as break room. Why is some people think everyone needs to know about all their personal biz. I've always found it safer to keep my personal biz and bathroom biz to myself. Get the job done and get outta there. The restroom is not a social club!

  • Jeannieinabottle profile image
    Author

    Jeannie InABottle 4 years ago from Baltimore, MD

    Thanks so much! I am happy you enjoyed my hub. It is good to know there are others that feel the same way. I guess everyone has someone at work that corners folks in the bathroom.

  • Glimmer Twin Fan profile image

    Glimmer Twin Fan 4 years ago

    Unless I am asking someone to pass me some toilet paper, I never ever talk to anyone in the bathroom! Funny hub.

  • Jeannieinabottle profile image
    Author

    Jeannie InABottle 4 years ago from Baltimore, MD

    Whenever possible, I try not to even do that. I try to carry Kleenex with me in my purse wherever I go. Thanks for checking out my hub!

  • macteacher profile image

    Wendy Golden 4 years ago from New York

    There is one way to get rid of a bathroom stalker: Eat something for lunch that gives you a bad case of gas, preferably something that includes chick peas. Then wait a while. When you can feel, and hear, your intestines bubbling...head for the bathroom. As soon as bathroom stalker strikes up a conversation while you are in the stall...let 'er rip. Guaranteed to end all bathroom conversations very quickly. ;-) Thanks for an entertaining hub.

  • Jeannieinabottle profile image
    Author

    Jeannie InABottle 4 years ago from Baltimore, MD

    Hahaha... that is one way to get rid of a bathroom talker. :-) Thanks for sharing!

  • prairieprincess profile image

    Sharilee Swaity 4 years ago from Canada

    Jeannie, LOL!!!! I love this. I have always thought it highly inappropriate to talk while in the stall, but I have had people at work talking to me through the stall wall, and thought that perhaps maybe I was being too "picky?" I feel affirmed in my no bathroom talking stance now! Thanks!

  • Jeannieinabottle profile image
    Author

    Jeannie InABottle 4 years ago from Baltimore, MD

    I am glad we can agree on this. :-) I feel so annoyed when I can't even take a bathroom break without someone telling me about another project I need to work on. I like to flush the toilet at about the time they are going into the specifics. Let me tinkle in peace!!!

    Thanks for your comment!

  • sallybea profile image

    Sally Gulbrandsen 4 years ago from Norfolk

    Hillarious!! - don't think I have ever stayed long enough to qualify for Level One yet (You should see some of these elite establishments here!) Next time I have to attend, I intend to take a Notebook with me. I should get enough material in just 'one sitting ' to fill a whole Hub.!!!

  • Jeannieinabottle profile image
    Author

    Jeannie InABottle 4 years ago from Baltimore, MD

    That is so true! You can learn the most interesting gossip while hanging out in the bathroom... as long as you can tolerate the smells! Thanks for checking out my hub.

  • PDXKaraokeGuy profile image

    Justin W Price 4 years ago from Juneau, Alaska

    Nice work Jeanine! What i don't get are the stall phone talkers. I can't tell you how many times I've heard someone doing business while doing their business in a bathroom stall. is nothing sacred? It's disgusting and vile. Kinda makes me want to make all kinds of gross bathroom noises to punish and embarrass them :-) UP and shared

  • Jeannieinabottle profile image
    Author

    Jeannie InABottle 4 years ago from Baltimore, MD

    You are right. I have to admit, sometimes I purposely flush just to annoy people that are on their cell phones. I pretend the toilet needed to be flushed numerous times. Hehe. It brings me joy! Thanks for your comment!

  • imatellmuva profile image

    imatellmuva 4 years ago from Somewhere in Baltimore

    Always...ALWAYS great hubs!!! Restroom talking annoys me to no end, I never have, and likely never will understand this indulgence to talk while stuff is exploding out your body!!! Nastee, chile'...just nastee!!!!

  • Jeannieinabottle profile image
    Author

    Jeannie InABottle 4 years ago from Baltimore, MD

    Thank you so much! Someone has to cover these very important topics. ;-) I can't believe how many people do want to talk in the bathroom... sometimes I am too busy holding my breath!

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