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BEST EPISODE OF DIFFERENT STROKES EVER -- Ladies and Gentlemen Meet Andrew Dice Clay
"I hate Andrew Dice Clay and if I ever see him on the streets I'm gonna **** him up." -- SAM KINNISON
Why was Kinnison so mad? Because Andrew Dice Clay, he claims, stole his entire act from him. Kinnison was positive. Stoically, unequivocally positive. Yet it's debatable. For way back in 1982 would come an episode of Different Strokes, that provides insight as to the baby-stages of the most chauvinistic and hateful comedic persona alive.
Long before the Diceman claimed to "do alotta chicks", he was on Different Strokes asking Willis "how do I get doz chicks?"
Crazy Larry has a problem. He's big and scummy and scary, and clearly about fifteen years older then everyone in the school, which says a lot because these kids are all 24 and 25. He tries to holler at a very young, half-known Jami Gertz as she walks in the hallway. The problem is she's "sophisticated" and "clahhhh-sy".
How do you do it, Drummond? Larry asks Willis.
Well I don't know, Crazy Larry. Lucky I guess.
I mean seriously Drummond, Larry says. I mean look at you -- ya nothin! Look at me, I'm stronger den you, I'm better looking den you, so how come I can't get doz chicks and you do?"
That settles it, says Crazy Larry. You're gonna teach me your secret.
Think of it like your life depends on it, Drummond...cuz it do! OHHHH!!!!
Later that night, the Drummonds are eating dinner. By now, in the later episodes, it's Pearl who's the housekeeper. In the early days it was Mrs. Garrett, the Adaleigh, and now Pearl.
She has a whole bunch of chicken out and Arnold's just eating and eating and eating.
Suddenly the phone rings. Arnold gets up, answers it, discovers it's the doorman.
Alright, let him up.
"Arnold," Mr. Drummond asks. "Who was that?"
"I know it was the doorman. Who's he letting up?"
"Crazy Larry," Arnold says.
PIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Willis chokes himself on the milk he's sipping.
Crazy Larry's here now?
BANG-BANG-BANG!!!! Now somebody's pounding on the door when a doorbell sits right next to it. BANG-BANG-BANG!!!!
Pearl goes and gets it, and Crazy Larry takes a handful of Pearl's chubby cheek to remember him by.
Then he tosses his coat at her. "The threads!"
Then he discovers the family is eating dinner...don't mind if I do!
He takes a seat in the chair by LIFTING his leg over it rather then simply walking around.
He takes a look at the chicken that's laid out, and simply starts to grab one greasy piece after another and put it on his plate.
Mr. Drummond and Arnold are staring at him.
"Where are my manners?" says the Diceman, immediately taking off his leather gloves so he can grab two more.
Willis doesn't know what to do about this. He doesn't know how to answer Crazy Larry's questions.
Kimberly meanwhile thinks Willis is just being selfish and closed-minded. ANYBODY can taught class and smoothness. And so she joins Willis in their private session with Crazy Larry.
Willis says alright Larry, pretend Kimberly is Jami Gertz. Go and ask her out.
So he grabs her almost in a headlock. "Gimme your number."
No no Larry that's not how you properly romance someone, Kimberly says!
So she feeds him some lines, "tell me my eyes are hot."
Yeah they are hot, says Larry.
"Now tell me my lips are like rose petals," she says...drifting off to a love-filled trance with her eyes closed...
So Crazy Larry clutches her and kisses her. Kimberly runs off disgusted.
HEY-YO!!!! Larry says, combing his hair with an imaginary comb. That's what I'm talking about Willis.
It's from this moment that Larry decides he loves Kimberly.
So he comes over the next day, Kimberly is hiding, Mr. Drummond says don't worry, Larry's reasonable, surely anybody who's human can respond to common sense.
So Larry comes over in a suit and tie, and hands Mr. Drummond a six-pack of beer all wrapped in a pretty bow. Mr. Drummond shakes his head, sits him down and says Larry...this can't happen.
I know, says Larry. That's why I've come to ask your daughter for her hand in holy matrimony.
Later on, the kids go "So daddy, you resolved everything, right?"
Mr. Drummond turns to them while the crowd cracks up and is like "sure, honey. Whatever you say."
But everything works out.
Larry is intimidated by the huge palace and the chauffeurs and all that, and so DUMPS Kimberly, telling her she'll get over it one day, and then gives her a final kiss with a nice slap on her ass. Still friends?
Then he gets it on with Jami Gertz.
And now for more fun with Different Strokes, click below! And then the ads!