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BMV does not stand for Bowel Movements Vary-or does it?

Updated on July 1, 2013

I’ve heard that going to the Department (or Bureau) (or insane asylum) of motor vehicles is rarely a fun trip. I’m not sure why people think that. I went down the other day to get my new license and had a blast. Maybe it depends on what size city you live in.

My city is “almost large”. Well, ok, it’s a town. Well, fine then, it’s probably not close to large. We don’t quite have 1,000 people; but it’s large to me. Especially when we have a parade. Half the people are in the parade and half the people watch. We switch out twice a year so everyone gets a chance to ride in the fire truck. We’re big that way.

Our DMV is actually called the BMV. I thought, when I first moved here, that the BMV was where bowel movements varied, but I was wrong. The bowel movements were always the same.

I have been in Indiana over a year so it was time to get an Indiana driver’s license. Don’t judge me. I wasn’t sure I wanted to stay. I’m sure if I got pulled over the kind policeman would understand. “Lack of correct driver’s license due to indecision”; I’m sure there’s a warning card for that.

Once I figured out that the place where they use the bathroom regularly was also the place where people got their driver’s license, I knew the difficult stuff was behind me.

I walked up, sat down and smiled. The lady smiled back and pointed to some tags with numbers on them. They were really cool looking tags; I made sure to tell her so. I’ve heard people can become frustrated with workers at the driver’s license place, and I wanted to make sure she knew I wasn’t one of those types of people! She gave me a tag with a number on it. I thanked her politely. She stared at me. I stared back. I wasn’t sure what her angle was; I had already thanked her for the souvenir.

Finally she pointed to the chairs behind me and said, “Please take a chair.” I said, “Thank you, but I already have a tag, to take a chair as well seems greedy.” She started scowling so I said, “I didn’t mean to offend you. I’ll take the chair if you really want me too, but can I leave it where it is until after I get my new license?” Her face started turning red, and I think I saw a little steam came out of her ears.

I backed away quietly and sat down across the room. I’m still not sure what was wrong with her, but I knew I didn’t want to be in range when her eyeballs popped out!

After awhile, awhile being several days, someone called out a number that sounded familiar. I brushed the cobwebs off of myself and looked down at the tag. It was the same number! I walked up to the lady at the counter and held out the ticket. As I suspected, she was still mad and wanted her souvenir back. I gladly handed it over, no keepsake was worth someone being mad, also, it was kind of dirty where I’d forgotten it wasn’t a Kleenex and sneezed into it earlier the day before. Lack of food can do that to a person. * Note to self, next time bring crackers, and a box of tissues.

The lady apparently couldn’t tell I used it as a tissue as she took it and put it in a tub of other tags she was collecting. I’m not sure why she gave it to me in the first place if she was collecting them.

The nice lady then asked how she could help me. I ditched my earlier thought of getting a license to a new, more pressing matter; I begged for some food and a bathroom. Lucky for me that had port-a-potties right there at the desk. I could do my business while I did my business. They also had snacks for sale. A candy bar was only thirty dollars. This was, of course, a bargain for a starving woman. And yes, I was still having fun.

I explained that I had decided to stay in Indiana, and therefore needed an Indiana driver’s license. I had all the documents I needed, my birth certificate, my social security card, and my old driver’s license. “I’m sorry, Miss,” she informed me, “but you’ll need your marriage license.” Aha! I was ready and whipped out that baby! “No, you’ve been married once before, we need that marriage license.” Do what?

Apparently, due to the terrorist threat that I posed to the citizens of my town, I needed a paper trail with my name on it. I should have just changed my name to Bearsnot like I had wanted to years before, and this would all be a moot point.

So, now I have to track down my marriage license. I told her I had a small problem with that. “I don’t remember where I got married the first time, “ I said in a small voice. Then I started laughing. That’s funny. I really couldn’t remember where I got married. I knew the approximate geographic location, but I couldn’t really narrow it down.

Needless to say, I still have a North Carolina driver’s license. I’ve got a year until it expires to track down my marriage certificate. Yep. I don’t care what anyone else says, the bowel movement people are a ton of fun!


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    • sueroy333 profile image

      Susan Mills 7 years ago from Indiana

      Chris-Thanks. I had a lot of fun writing this. It's been a while since I did anything but a Daily Weird.. I think I might try my hand at an article again. Using a tag for a kleenex... I cracked myself up. :)

    • ChrisLincoln profile image

      ChrisLincoln 7 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California


      Loved how you played with the language here, the misunderstanding, re take a number, take a chair etc - hilarious


    • sueroy333 profile image

      Susan Mills 7 years ago from Indiana

      Thanks, mom! :O)

    • Pixienot profile image

      Pixienot 7 years ago from Clarksville, Indiana

      You never let me down. When I finish reading your hubs and the comments you receive and give, I am not only smiling, I am laughing out loud.

      This was a very funny hub and well written. I love reading your work.

      Voted up and funny!

    • sueroy333 profile image

      Susan Mills 7 years ago from Indiana

      Barbergirl- thanks for stopping by. I have your "Fork You" hub pulled up to read here in a bit, I'll check out your "5 places" while I'm there.. it sounds like it's a good one!

      I feel sorry for the poor chick who's been married 5 times.. talk about a difficult time tracking down where you got married!!!

    • barbergirl28 profile image

      Stacy Harris 7 years ago from Hemet, Ca

      Loved this.... reminded me of my hub I wrote on "5 places I would rather be than at the DMV" Of course, I never thanked them for the kind gift of the chair or the souvenir tag, but I did spend several hours dreaming up other places to be... like stuck in traffic or in a pool full of kids. Made me laugh... especially since I know exactly what you just went through (I had to switch states too)

    • sueroy333 profile image

      Susan Mills 7 years ago from Indiana

      Thank you mysterylady! I'm glad you finally got your license, it looks like it will be a while for me!

      I'm going to start working on the Walmart Wedding tonight. I just hope I can do it justice!

    • mysterylady 89 profile image

      mysterylady 89 7 years ago from Florida

      Having renewed my driver's license this past summer in the big city of Altamonte Springs, FL, I can so identify with this hub - as I try to control my laughter. I went through all the hullabaloo and then flunked the vision test! Several days later, after getting a special form signed by my dr., I finally got my license.

      A very funny hub! I look forward to "A Walmart Wedding."

    • sueroy333 profile image

      Susan Mills 7 years ago from Indiana


      My next one was going to be about Duct Tape, but I guess I can set it aside.

      Just for you, Ima!


    • ChrisLincoln profile image

      ChrisLincoln 7 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California


      OK, OK, I can't keep the Ima Flunky thing going after that...

      You have Photo's? Please, please, pretty please, write a hub about this. It is epic...


    • sueroy333 profile image

      Susan Mills 7 years ago from Indiana

      Dear Mr. Ima,

      I'm not bright enough to understand your big "gravitas" gubment words. I do however thank you for giving me Linsay Lohan's booking photo as it is a step up from how I look most days. (Hense the name, bearsnot)

      Chelsea will be pleased for the license, unfortunately, she only has access to a tricycle for the next 10 years, so she will just have to frame it.

      PS. Please tell Mrs. Ima that I do, indeed have a picture of the WalMart wedding. My husband and I are standing (along with the minister, in sunglasses) in front of an Ice machine near the weed killer. The ice machine reads, "Kills stinging insects dead". It's very romantic. (oh, and I'm totally not making this part up!)

    • ChrisLincoln profile image

      ChrisLincoln 7 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California

      Ms. Bearsnot,

      Your apology is lacking in gravitas. The department of motorized impediments is not to be spoken to in such a tongue in cheek fashion. If you ever get to renew a license, anywhere, ever, we will ensure that the photo will look like the lunatic you obviously are. Worse - it will look like Lindsay Lohan's booking photo.

      As a senior Flunky I have to warn you that we have it in our power to issue licenses early, so there is one being mailed to Miss Chelsea Bearsnot as we speak.

      Don't mess with us. We are the Gubment!

      PS. Mrs. Ima is wondering if you have photos of the WalMart wedding? We ourselves wed at the Woolworth's, she is such the romantic...

    • sueroy333 profile image

      Susan Mills 7 years ago from Indiana

      Rochelle- I can see your confusion, but that's a QVC. Seriously. Ok, it's not. But you could probably buy a German luxury car there... maybe..

      Thanks for stopping by, and thank you for your compliment!! :)

    • Rochelle Frank profile image

      Rochelle Frank 7 years ago from California Gold Country

      I thought a BMV was a German luxury car, thanks for explaining. This was seriously funny.

    • sueroy333 profile image

      Susan Mills 7 years ago from Indiana

      Sally- the good news is he probably has not been married twice, so he may get by with just bringing home a chair and a driver's license!

      My kid has 3 more years to go... I'm not looking forward to that either. Maybe we should see if the lawmakers could pass a law that kids can't drive, even with a license, until their moms say it's OK!!

    • Truckstop Sally profile image

      Truckstop Sally 7 years ago

      Very funny!! Imagine what you have to do to get a driver's license - for the first time. My son will be taking a written test AND a driving test soon. I am not looking forward to the day -- for many reasons.

    • sueroy333 profile image

      Susan Mills 7 years ago from Indiana

      Dear Ima,

      My second marriage was in Wal-Mart (Lawn and Garden section), so you can imagine how my first marriage was forgotten. What can stand up in memory to a Wal-Mart wedding?

      I deeply apologize for almost removing government property. Next time I'll bring the truck and I promise to get it out of the way for you!

      I found out this morning that I live in a village, so it's actually village dunk court. They love me there. They punch this card every time I go, and once I get a card filled up with punches I have to bring them a free donut. I just bring in a box a week and we call it even.

      Thank you for taking the time to write to me. I appreciate your concern, especially as I'm sure that in your position of KING OF BOWEL MOVEMENTS, you must be going all the time!

      Write back soon. Are we penpals? I forget.


    • sueroy333 profile image

      Susan Mills 7 years ago from Indiana

      breakfastpop- that's excellent! I wonder how long it would take them to help me find my marriage license?

    • sueroy333 profile image

      Susan Mills 7 years ago from Indiana

      Feline- I've been trying to work "bearsnot" into a hub for a while... thank you for noticing!!! :)

    • sueroy333 profile image

      Susan Mills 7 years ago from Indiana

      Drbj- Thank you so much! Your kind comments always make me smile. Well, you're funny too, so there's that.

      You really do have to pass a "no humor" test to work at any license bureau. I applied for a job once, and they turned me down right away. They said it was because I had laugh lines, proving that I would never fit in.

      One of my all-time favorite authors is Agatha Christie. I have always wished to live in a village like hers. I will settle for a large village! I'll never look at my town (large village) the same way again!

    • ChrisLincoln profile image

      ChrisLincoln 7 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California

      Dear Ms. Bearsnot,

      It has come to my attention that, not only were you close to removing government property, it is very clearly against the law to marry people and forget about them. Your criminal proclivity has led to the license board to refuse you a drivers permit.

      I suggest when stopped by the local police, which I suspect may be a daily occurrence, you try the "I forgot" excuse when asked where you got your drivers license. See how that flies in Podunk County Court.

      Ima Flunky

      King of Bowel Movements , Driver and Marriage licenses

    • breakfastpop profile image

      breakfastpop 7 years ago

      Very funny, indeed. Even funnier is the fact that the DMV in NJ actually cleaned up their act and it is possible to renew a license in 5 minutes! Voted up and funny.

    • profile image

      Feline Prophet 7 years ago


    • drbj profile image

      drbj and sherry 7 years ago from south Florida

      This may possibly be one of your funniest, sue. I laughed out loud because I identified with the 'take a chair' bit and the employee lacking even a tinge of humor.

      I'm sure that is a requirement on all job descriptions for the BMV, the DMV and all the other alphabet soup bureaus. It's right there in large size print: 'only applicants exhibiting absolutely no sense of humor will be considered for this bureau/division/whatever.'

      Thanks for a very funny read. BTW, 1,000 inhabitants qualifies for 'large village.'

    • sueroy333 profile image

      Susan Mills 7 years ago from Indiana

      Stan- I looked up Patrick McManus. I'm flattered that this piece would remind anyone of his work! Although, I too, worked as a newspaper correspondent (in a town of 8,000) and was a humor writer (in the same metropolis), and was also our high school's newspaper's editor (we had a sign that said "slow school".. and we meant it), somehow his success has eluded me. (shocking!)

      I love your description of the Multiple Venereal (fixed with spell check... I LOVE spellcheck!) Diseases in Arizona. It makes me want to visit!

      Thank you for reading my stuff, and thank you even more for saying you thought it was funny. Coming from a guy with talent like yours, that means a TON.

      Oh, and I really CAN'T remember where I got married the first time. Seriously.

    • sueroy333 profile image

      Susan Mills 7 years ago from Indiana

      Silver Poet- Thank you so much for coming by and reading my stuff!

      I've never heard of Patrick McManus, but I'm going to check him out now! Thank you for the compliment!

      I'm glad to see I write like a guy. I've heard I fight like a girl.

    • Stan Fletcher profile image

      Stan Fletcher 7 years ago from Nashville, TN

      Silver Poet just completely made me forget what I was going to write. I am a HUGE McManus fan, and this piece DOES remind me of him. Good call, Silver.

      What I was going to say was that the 'take a chair' part was a classic. You've captured the feeling that all of us have at the DMV, or the MVD, as they say in Arizona, which I think means Multiple Venerial (sp?) Diseases, not sure. I always feel like I'm time travelling to Soviet-era Russia when I'm there. The stark prison-colored walls with small, ugly informational posters. The haggard and worn employees. The hopeless looking 'customers'. The sense that you're not leaving with what you came for. And I've yet to meet a government employee there with a sense of humor! If I was an employee, and you did your 'take a chair' bit, I would at least chortle or titter, if not out and out ROFL on myself.

      "I don't remember where I got married the first time" was a killer too. Very funny stuff.

    • Silver Poet profile image

      Silver Poet 7 years ago from the computer of a midwestern American writer

      Are you a fan of Patrick McManus? Your style reminds me of some of his pieces.

    • sueroy333 profile image

      Susan Mills 7 years ago from Indiana

      LOL! WillStarr- I never saw that one coming either! I love it!! Thanks for stopping by and making my hub a better place to be! :)

    • WillStarr profile image

      WillStarr 7 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

      And Obama's 'Winning the Future" becomes WTF!

      (Bet he never saw that one coming!)

      Up and funny!


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