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Back to the Dark Ages

Updated on April 15, 2020
jimagain profile image

Jim is an accomplished writer with many great literary achievements, most of which he simply made up.

Want to eliminate over-population, wipe out the high cost of healthcare, reduce unemployment, etc. ???

The problem is obvious. We are living longer than ever and for this I blame modern medical industry. For those of us who long for the good 'ole' days of rampant disease and mass starvation but, hey, we could at least afford the premiums, my solution is that we turn the entire health care industry over to government regulation to 'manage' and it will soon go the way of social security and public education. You can always blame whichever political party of your preference.

In short, we must go backward if we are to move forward!

During the dark ages people were so miserable, they were lined up to die. They had to invent new and interesting diseases like the Black Death or the Bubonic Plague. Back in the day, torture and suffering were considered spectator sports!

And wars?!! They couldn't keep enough wars scheduled. War's really weren't the refined affairs we see today but were basically arranged like turkey shoots; where both sides lined up and politely took turns wiping out the other, one rank at a time. Think of a game of Red Rover...with guns! And the gov't did its part by holding mass starvation...and if there were any stragglers, they routinely rounded up random groups of people for public executions (hint of sarcasm).

With all this going for society, we can only wonder why this epoch of time is referred to as, The Dark Ages?

I know, right?!!

...a word from our sponsors

Is this too cheery a picture? Let's listen in on the town crier in the 'ye olde towne square';

"Hear ye, hear ye: Today's current events, we have mass starvation in the cities; Public executions to be held today in the town square ...applicant's now accepted, limit two per family; the forecast for next week is war, followed by rampant disease. Mass human suffering and misery now available to qualified applicants - offer may expire, void where prohibited; and Tuesday's normally scheduled inquisition has been postponed to Thursday...and now a word from our sponsor..."

More humane forms of torture

The French Revolution was a case in point; in the name of enlightenment, liberty, human rights and dignity, academic enrichment, and the unprecedented scientific advances made by mankind, we were able to execute large amounts of the population in extremely short periods of time (steeped in sarcasm). It was a Malthusian wet -dream.

Let's not forget the advances from technology. Along came Joseph Guillotine, who (obviously so) invented the device bearing his own name that ushered in a realm of terror and population control; previously we had to rely on hangings which were replaced by a kinder and gentler method of execution (more sarcasm)

Flogging & blogging

To illustrate how conditions were, I will let you in on a little peek backwards into the past. Three guys are languishing in the dungeon, one painfully stretched out on a torture rack, one suspended from the ceiling in a metal cage, the other in stocks with a large rat contentedly gnawing at his leg.

"It's my pet," he explained.

In walks the executioner. "Bad news. We're almost out of rope, guys. and I'm only issued one bullet so only one of you lucky guys gets executed today."

Simultaneously sighs in unison escape from the dejected crowd: "Oohhh"!

"Don't blame me guys. It's those cursed budget cuts...So, I'm making you pick. What do you say we play rock, paper, scissors to see who gets it today?. How about it?".

"Me, me. My turn!"

"Don't be selfish", the others chided.

See how it was then? I was able to meticulously and historically recreate the scene through 2000 year old forensic evidence, after watching only one episode of CSI. And this is what I was able to infer...with a little help for my imagination.

I also suspect from this recreation, that most dungeon masters were forced to find other careers that allowed them to inflict needless suffering on humanity, ...like blogging.

What's this I hear? Could it be groans of pain and screams of suffering from the readers? Yes! This only confirms my hypothesis.

Everything was going fine and the population was kept in check, until those pesky 'do-gooders' came along and ruined everything for the rest of us.

First this Alexander Fleming guy came along with the unmitigated goodwill to invent penicillin from moldy food. Next thing you know people aren't dying like they used to. And that is why you had to pay too much for your prescription.

Now all we can do is lament that things are so good no one gets excited about dying prematurely anymore. 30 or 40 used to be 'old', now we've turned the entire Florida peninsula into a retirement home for old fogies who impertinently refuse to kick the bucket.

So after further review, I have come to the conclusion that life is good despite a bad economy, expensive healthcare, and the constipated system of government we endure.

And I think I can live with that!

© 2012 Jim Henderson

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    • jimagain profile imageAUTHOR

      Jim Henderson 

      8 years ago from Hattiesburg, Mississippi

      Hey thanks John! Sorry I'm just now getting around to reply but I was languishing in some medieval dungeon and they refused me internet access. Talk about torture!

      I appreciate your comment.

    • John Sarkis profile image

      John Sarkis 

      9 years ago from Winter Haven, FL

      This is funny, but true to some extent.

      Voted up

      John

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