Bad Fortune Cookies

Imagine yourself dining with friends and family. After a wonderful meal, your obsequious waiter doles out fortune cookies intended as a thoughtful denouement to a lovely evening. Unfortunately, these cookies contain fortunes composed by irritable authors forced to work overtime. Perhaps these irascible writers were locked up in a fortune cookie sweat shop. Perhaps they worked for pennies a day, toiling beneath the hobnailed boot of a fortune cookie taskmaster.

Read on if you dare.

Travel ambitiously the freeway of life, keeping the guardrail to your right.

Mind your manners, and man your mine, if you are a miner who is also a man.

Send a gift card when in doubt.

Look out the window of the soul to see what the neighboring souls are up to.

Why are you reading this? Pay your bill and go home. Reality shows await you on cable TV.

Never open a mortgage brokerage unless you are licensed in all 50 states.

Old money spends like new money, but the bills tend to be crinkled and smelly.

Don't look to the government to provide high speed rail when you need to go to the bathroom.

Sports are exercise for the body, betting on sports is exercise for the mind.

No one truly understands WiFi. Access the Internet on faith when you visit Starbucks.

Carefully plant your Canada Green, for you may be mowing your lawn twice a week and not have time to read fortune cookies.

Help! I am toiling beneath the hobnailed boot of a fortune cookie taskmaster.

When the DVD of your life is published, always hold back a little extra for the bonus disk.

Soar with eagles, work with turkeys, stand around on one leg with pelicans.

Fear is never boring, but a short nap on the sofa followed by a bowl of Pringles never hurt anyone.

Always have have the telephone number of your emotional plumber on your speed dial.

Every sitcom is filmed 'live', but not every reality show is good enough for basic cable.

The ocean of your soul harbors the tugboats of your ego that nudge around the wallowing ungainly barges of your hopes and dreams.

The price you pay for a life of sloth may not always include tax and gratuity.