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Catwoman: Real(ish)-Time Responses

Updated on February 14, 2012
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The movie that was inflicted upon us.

Well, I've made a few comments in previous hubs about Catwoman. Particularly, that it's a waste of film. Not the biggest waste of film I've seen, but probably one of the most widely known wastes of film out there.

Anyway, I also seemed to get a good reaction to the hub I made about Mortal Kombat and the thoughts that went through my head as I watched it. So I've decided to do another one of those, this time focusing on the Halle Berry snot-rock of a film, Catwoman.

The film is a sorry excuse at turning Halle Berry into a bona-fide super hero. After turning Storm out to be one of the weaker X-Men characters (in film--the comic book version is still pretty good) the geniuses at Warner Brothers figured they'd use her to kill one of the most intriguing some-times-villains in the Batman universe.

Berry plays Patience Phillips, a shy woman that nobody would notice, and for good reason. After a brush with death, she is revived by an apparently mystical cat with magical tuna-breath. She now has the abilities of a cat and sets out to avenge herself against the woman responsible for her death, Laurel Hedare (Sharon Stone).

That's about as sensible as the story gets.

Again, if you haven't seen the film, many of my remarks will mean nothing to you, so I'll just say right now that my rating for this film is 3 /10. For points of comparison, that's the same rating I gave Superman IV: The Quest for Killing a Great Franchise on my personal website. Teen Wolf Too (the Jason Bateman version of a snot-rock film) gets a 4, while Home Alone 4 (I bet most of you didn't even know there was one of those) gets a generous 2.

Catwoman is rated PG-13 for being ridiculous. There's also some action violence and a very revealing outfit worn by the main character, but that's secondary to being ridiculous.

Anyway, here we go:

0:01:10 - Wait, did I accidentally put in The Mummy instead? Or National Treasure? No? Hmm.

0:04:00 - Okay, so the day that you died was also the day you started to live? Not trite or annoying at all. Thanks.

0:04:10 - Welcome to downtown CG Tropolis. Our population is 1280 X 720, and our crime rate consists only of crimes against nature and all of humanity.

0:04:25 - Aparently the entire city here is specifically out to get her. Is it possible to walk up stairs and actually run into everyone going both up and down? Apparently.

0:08:55 - Good job there, Little Miss I'm-meek-but-loveable. I'm sure there's no way that apartment will ever have another loud party for this situation to ever come up again.

0:10:05 - That's not your cat, lady. You're seriously going to go free-climbing on the side of your building because a stupid cat walked out there?

0:11:05 - "No, honest officer. You've got the wrong idea about me. I'm not suicidal or crazy. I'm out here on the wall because I'm stupid." "Ah, fair enough. Have a good day ma'am."

0:12:10 - "Ah, there goes the crazy lady that I'm going to fall in love with for no explicable reason, just because I'm the first man to touch her in this movie." Ahhhh. Good writing. I can't wait to see some.

0:15:30 - "Come on. I'm being charming. How can you say no to this face."

0:16:05 - That's right, girl. Nobody ever went wrong getting dating advice from a white sista and a black mista, girlfriend. They gonna get yo groove thing shakin'!

0:18:30 - Hm. Let's see. She's all alone at a remote location at midnight where her bosses are talking about an evil plot? Seems safe to me. And not at all conveniently contrived.

0:20:40 - Wait, wait, wait! The evil plot she's getting killed for is all about a beauty cream that ruins your face when you stop using it? What?! I mean, okay. Sure, the Joker's plan in Tim Burton's Batman revolved around inflicting mild cases of death at random among the population because of tainted beauty products that only Batman was able to track down, but we're talking about a beauty cream that might make you look ugly! Nooooooo!

0:40:58 - Look out Patience Potter! The basalisk is going to get you! And be careful not to run into Harrison Ford or Tommy Lee Jones in there! Holy COW does this movie make me want to watch something else.

0:22:50 - Sure are a whole lot of cats out there all of a sudden. Did she land in the middle of their poker game or something?

0:23:45 - Aaand he burps in her face. Yup. That should do it.

0:24:35 - And now she shows off the inate zoom-lens vision of a cat. You know. Like all cats have.

0:25:30 - Uhm, did you forget you had a front door, Patience? How did you ever get home before you had the ability to jump up the fire escape and break your own window?

0:28:30 - Yeah, I can see no good reason not to just come in and do whatever the crazy cat lady says. I mean, she's just so nice and sensible on the Simpsons.

0:29:31 - Oh My Gosh She Caught It! She has the reflexes of a person who can catch things!

0:30:35 - And she has the drawing abilities of a cat and the ability to tell off her boss! See? That's why I'm a dog person. My brother's cat is always telling me exactly what he thinks of me.

0:31:55 - And now we're hissing at dogs, are we? Boooriiing.

0:33:17 - You know, I'm sick of movies using the best friend with the libido that won't quit. You can encourage your friend to date without being the kind of person who would jump a stone if it were in the shape of a man.

Hey you! The one faking the funk!
Hey you! The one faking the funk!

0:35:36 - It's amazing how you can film two attractive people invading each other's space in a one-on-one game of b-ball, and leave me still not caring. Look, we know how this whole thing is going to end up. Do something to surprise me, movie.

0:39:10 - Woah, Woah! You mean that appartment across the way is having ANOTHER loud party, keeping our heroine up all night, only this time she's got (apparently) super powers and she might end up going all medieval all over them? No way! I totally didn't expect to okay I can't keep this up anymore. Laaame!

0:40:50 - Is it just me or is there something about Halle Berry trying to be cool and tough that just doesn't quite work? For some reason, I just don't buy it from her.

0:42:43 - What do you know? An entire display of masks and cat-related items. Yay! Exactly what you'd expect to see in any jewelry store.

0:43:50 - Excuse me, mister director. Do you think you could lock the camera down for even a second? No? Keep the camera moving for every frame of every scene? You sure about that? You don't think that'll simply numb the audience to your action? Whatever you say.

0:45:20 - Yay! our heroine stole a bunch of lovely jewelry! I so want to get behind her!

0:46:07 - Yeah, let's go with "Cat Chick" or "Cat Broad". Those sound believeable.

Excuse me while I stomp out this flaming bag of ... um ... evidence.
Excuse me while I stomp out this flaming bag of ... um ... evidence.

0:46:12 - If there isn't a bunch of cat poop in that bag, you've just completely bored me to death, movie. I mean, it's a brown paper bag left at the front door. Come on!

0:48:45 - "Docile yet agressive" "Nurturing yet ferocious" You mean kind of like, "fast action, yet boring"? Or how about "High budget, yet lame effects"?

0:49:58 - Both a blessing and a curse, eh? Now you're stealing from Monk?

You're gonna have to pfay the Pfeiffer for that one
You're gonna have to pfay the Pfeiffer for that one

0:50:20 - Wait a minute! That's a picture of Michelle Pfeiffer from Batman Returns in the middle of the pile. She was just a crazy woman scorned. Nothing mystical about her. Let's not drag universally superior movies into this mess, okay movie?

0:51:57 - Hold on! That's the outfit you're going with? Open toed sandals, slashed leather leggings and a barely there bra? I mean, sure it's hot, but how many photographers do you expect to bump into as you run across rooftops, slide down alley walls, and run every which way as a badly animated CG character? I call shenanigans on your tailor!

0:54:46 - Again with the camera there? I'm beginning to think this director hates his audience.

0:59:41 - "Wait a minute ... the handwriting on my coffee cup matches the writing on this bag. The barrista is Cat Broad!"

1:01:27 - Oh no! They're stuck on top of the ferris wheel! What on earth will they do to pass the time while ... okay, at least it's different. But seriously, every single piece of this ferris wheel seems to be breaking at the same time. How could anyone have ever thought this thing was safe to use?

1:05:50 - Am I supposed to believe that Sharon Freaking Stone is the innocent one here? I mean, sure, she's married to the Merovingian (you do NOT want to see what he does to the silk sheets) but it's Sharon Freaking Stone we're talking about here. That, and it was definitely a woman's voice at that clandestine meeting when our hero was killed on the order of SHARON FREAKING STONE!

1:06:06 - Yeah, you see where you had to tuck that phone? That should make it clear that THAT'S NOT A PRACTICAL OUTFIT!

Yeah, if that's where you're gonna put it, you know, you can just keep it.
Yeah, if that's where you're gonna put it, you know, you can just keep it.

1:09:44 - Is this supposed to be sexy and coy? I liked it better with Pfeiffer and Keaton. A whooooole lot better.

1:11:16 - "Ow! My silk holding hand! Now how am I supposed to wipe my ... Wait, you're saying your makeup makes you immune to being slapped?"

1:15:31 - Careful there, Tom. I mean, yeah, she's hot, but you'll be coughing up furballs for the rest of the week if you go there.

1:17:15 - Wait, so he left a note saying "Something came up"? I thought that was reason to stay.

1:19:27 - Eeew! She's got a silk handkerchief. Please tell me she didn't take that from the Merovingian on the floor over there.

1:22:05 - "Wait a minute. 'I could believe you?' That's your defense? The crazy lady who I caught out on the side of a building to save a cat that wasn't there? And who since then has been a completely different persona every time I've seen her? Yeah, okay. Sounds good."

1:25:54 - Wow. That's a whole lot of twisting in the air for no reason. Are cats showoffs too?

1:32:30 - Seriously? Are we seriously ending a movie called Catwoman with the ultimate cat fight?

1:38:20 - And we end with a shot of S&M SpiderWoman being forced into our eyeballs. That kind of thing just shouldn't be legal.

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