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Do You Like a Good Lawyer Joke?

Updated on January 4, 2013
Scales of Justice.  Who's tipping the scales since justice is blind?
Scales of Justice. Who's tipping the scales since justice is blind?
I think this is the real way it joke!
I think this is the real way it joke!

Let's start off with a list of attributes that might possibly identify you as an attorney! Hopefully this will get you in the mood for the remainder of this "Tribute to Attorneys" article, or roast if you prefer.

You Could be a Lawyer if -

You are charging someone for reading these jokes. (author's note - these are no charges!)

The shortest sentence you have ever written was more than eighty words long.

You have a daughter named Sue and a son named Bill.

Your other car is a BMW.

When your wife says "I love you!", and you swear her in and begin to cross-examine her.

Now this is what I call a DEFENSE attorney!
Now this is what I call a DEFENSE attorney!
Talk about being in a place of suffering.  Being stuck for all eternity with lawyers!
Talk about being in a place of suffering. Being stuck for all eternity with lawyers!
How appropriate!
How appropriate!

There's No Such Thing as a GOOD Lawyer,is There?

Now, I know many of you won't admit this, but I will. I have heard some pretty darn funny jokes in my day and when I think back on the subject matter, the majority of them have involved people that are employed and work in our nation's court and law enforcement system. Now, admit it. If you even came to this hub, you must think lawyer jokes are pretty darn funny, or else you wouldn't be here looking for more to tell your friends!

I have heard some real 'gut busters' in my time, and what is so funny about that, is that a lot of them came from practicing attorneys I know! Talk about ironic! Maybe they know something I don't, like the jokes aren't jokes, but real life incidents they know about or have experienced. These jokes may be the only time they have "told the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth!" they are telling the truth (for a change), Don't quote me on that, please.

Have you ever thought about where these jokes originate from? I really haven't until recently, but it sure got me to wondering. Most things are based in facts of some sort. Most of the time the facts have to be S-T-R-E-T-C-H-E-D or bent some, but for the most part, jokes and comedy has some basis of truth in it, no matter how tiny. So, when thinking about some of the jokes I have heard about lawyers, I thought about what fact they were based on. A little scarey isn't it?

For example, take that cartoon at the very end of this hub. After reading it a few times, I started thinking about a criminal trial. Here we have an attorney and his/her client facing the judge. Let's just look at these two and leave out the judge for now. The attorney, of course, usually is getting a pretty hefty sum of $$$$ to represent his client, win or lose. But if they win, the attorney usually gets more. Now, let's say the lawyer is absolutely terrible, screws up almost the entire case for various reasons and the result is he/she loses the case. Who gets punished? Well, of course the defendant gets sentenced and thrown in the can and he didn't say a word during the whole trial. The lawyer, on the other hand, totally blew the case because of his lack of expertise and he/she walks out of the courtroom a free man with a nice sum of cash in his bank account! That is justice? Please, don't answer that. :) So this attorney is ignorant of the law and benefits from it while his client gets tossed on his cookies into a jail cell with Bubba, the loving sumo wrestler!

Just thinking of the phrase, "Practicing Attorney", makes me wince. It is almost as bad as someone that is 'Practicing' medicine! If you ever hear your doctor or attorney use that term, I would make a hasty retreat out the nearest door! I don't want anyone practicing on me in the emergency room or courtroom! I may write a hub on the medical profession, but for now am going to stick with the prestigious, honorable, respected, careers of our attorneys.

Anyway, enough of my ramblings and such...for once. <hehe> I am going to use the rest of this space Hubpages is letting me use to share with you some doggone funny lawyer jokes, cartoons and such. Please don't flame me until you read it all!


There are many different types of lawyer jokes, the most common, in my opinion, are the questions and answer type. Here are some that I have seen or heard at some point in my life.

Q. What do you call a bunch of dead lawyers laying at the bottom of the ocean? A. a good start.

Q. How do you get a lawyer down from a tree? A. Cut the rope.

Q. How many lawyer jokes are there in existence? A. Only 2, the rest are true.

Q. Why does California have the most lawyers and New Jersey has the most toxic waste dumps? A. New Jersey got first choice.

Next are the jokes that involve a short story. These can be pretty elaborate! This story-type joke I heard several times and has many variations.

There were 4 people on an airplane flying across the ocean to Hawaii. On the plane were the following: The President of the United States, The Pope, the pilot, and and a very rich attorney claiming he was the smartest man in the world. Halfway to their destination the plane developed engine problems. The pilot announced on the loudspeaker. "Attention, passengers, we are going to have to ditch in the ocean and have a decision to make. There is no way we will survive this crash since we have a lot of explosives in heavy crates in the cargo hold. There is no way we can move them alone. The more pressing problem is that we have 4 people on board this plane and we only have 3 parachutes. So, talk it over and decide who is going to have to stay aboard." All 3 passengers looked at each other and started to discuss it. The President of the United States said, "Well, I am the leader of a large nation and my country and its citizens need a strong leader at this time." The 2 other passengers agreed, so the President took a parachute and bailed out, leaving the Pope, the world's smartest lawyer and the pilot. The pilot came in and said he had put the plane on autopilot. The world's smartest attorney stood up and said, "Now listen...I am the world's smartest attorney and have some very landmark cases coming up, so I am going to TAKE a parachute!" He grabbed from the pile and jumped out of the plane. The Pope and pilot stared at each other and the Pope, with a tear in his eye said, "My son, you take the last parachute. God is with me and will take care of me one way or the other. So, captain, you take the last parachute." The Pope sat down and began to pray. All of the sudden the pilot began laughing his head off. The Pope thought the pilot had lost his sanity and tried to comfort the man. "It is alright my son..." but before the Pope could finish the pilot held up his hand and said, "There is no need for your concern...we still have 2 parachutes left, Your Excellency!" The Pope looked at the pilot strangely, when the pilot said, " are the 2 parachutes...put this one on." As the pilot put his on and then helped the Pope, the Pope said. "I thought we only had 3 parachutes..The President took one and the smartest lawyer in the world took the other one, leaving just 1. How did we get this extra one?" The pilot just laughed again and said, "My friend, we did only have 3 parachutes, but the smartest lawyer in the world jumped out with my duffle-bag instead of one of the parachutes!"

I hope you enjoyed some of the jokes here.  I will be adding some more shortly, so come back again.  And look for my sequel.   Doctor Jokes!   

Man, does that sound like a true statement!
Man, does that sound like a true statement!

DISCLAIMER: These jokes and cartoons are solely for laughs. All the attorneys, judges, court officers, law enforcement officers, ambulance drivers, etc. that appear or are mentioned in this hub are purely fictional and do not represent real people…that is unless you are one of them people and have actually done some of this stuff in your practice. If so, shame on you! :)  AND you will be contacted by my attorneys when they return from the golf course.


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