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Greatest Show of All Times -- 5 or 6 -- JENNY JONES

Updated on December 5, 2009

Winter, 2001-02

It was a joyous time, for I was on unemployment.

Yeah I was looking for work because I was only making like 200 a week, but in the meantime I had the television on. In it's later seasons, Jerry Springer demonstrated the very essence of his defiance. In the early 90s, Jerry Springer's show was absolutely and thoroughly indestinguishable from it's more sophisticated of sisters. It was calm, quiet, and dealt with serious family issues. Sally Jesse Raphael discussed violence in the media as well, but Sally also had the legendary fat kid come on and talk about how he's being tormented in school, and how the other kids I kid you not...called him "fatty fat fat fat."

What a crowd of youngsters that would make me feel bad about myself.

There was also Oprah who dealt ENTIRELY with the same trashy relationship issues that the other ones did. Montel Williams too. Maury Povich is the reigning champion in modern times. I've been to Maury fourteen times. Those lie detector tests wouldn't be passed by a freaking monk.

I couldn't understand how something could be on television and have so many people into it, and mom and dad SCREAMED at me whenever catching me watching them. You son of a BASTARD this is TRASH!!!! BLAAAAHHHHH!!!!

But the best of all time was Jenny Jones.

Jenny Jones was better then Springer in these late days of his show's heyday when he was, like I said before, being defiant -- they told him he couldn't have his fights anymore, that he couldn't use Steve and his cereal box prize for a police badge as the show's security officer. And so what did Jerry Springer do in mid-2001 into late 2002? He had a) ungodly fat people getting naked, b) every woman in the entire auditorium fully ready to strip and do a pole-dance at the very inkling they were insulted, and c) Atlantic City style weddings with no license, witnesses, ring, vows, cake, or invitations.

How was a girl like Jenny Jones to compete? After all...the usage of the very very fat people all but cancelled out her one tried and trusted routine..."my fat ass 14 year old dresses like a whore". Now you got two shows where fat girls are dancing on poles naked, that come on at the EXACT SAME TIME AFTER MAURY. What do we do? I mean Jerry has "Questions From The Audience" where things get REALLY good. Meanwhile Jenny's audience...observe.


Maury, Springer, Richard Bey, Rikki Lake, Geraldo, Sally Jesse, Esmerelda, Montel, Jenny Jones, Oprah, Ellen.

See how much higher up Jenny is on this scientific list of facts then Springer?

Nasty audiences equal more fun.

How can you compete?

The answer was simple -- Rude Jude.

You see, Jenny Jones was one of the most open-minded women there was. Jenny had a past that she regretted tremendously, I forgot what it was, but Jenny's done her best to rectify it for the same reason she screwed it to begin with -- because Jenny's always had an open mind. When a bully comes on the show and all but trashes some chick he once bullied in school...Sally and Oprah would have gotten mad at the bully. Jenny...hires him to be her Scottie Pippen.

And the rest was history.

Rude Jude wondered out loud what happened to one's face. When one's teenage daughter dressed too sexy, Rude Jude came out to let her know the goal had not been reached. Rude Jude let you know that it's okay that they're ugly, because they're also dumb as hell. Rude Jude would do so as King Tut, Captain Hook, sometimes even as the devil. Rude Jude made it easier to be up and look for work. Instead of getting up at 4 P.M each day, I would get up at 3.

And all Springer had to counter? His "Final Thought"...the one element of his pilot episode that still remained



I knew a Derrick and we used to call him "dor-ik". Say it really fast.

HAHAHAHAHAHAH! Right?! It stuck like a motherfudger.


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