How to Get Across the Ocean on a Budget

Do you often wonder what it’d be like to cross the ocean? Do you often long for a sea voyage, thinking it’ll bring more excitement and adventure to your life? Are you still reading this? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then here are some cheap ways to get across an ocean, if you were so inclined.

The cheapest way possible to cross the ocean would be just to run really fast. How fast, you may ask? Really fast. However fast you are able to run, multiply that by a thousand, and that’s how fast you need to be to run across the ocean without sinking. The average person runs 7-10 miles an hour, and you need to shoot for about 7000. I suggest practicing on land first, just until you think you’re ready. Here are some ideas you can try to make you run faster.

• Smash a bee hive. Bees can fly up to 20 miles an hour, so if you can outrun them, you’re in pretty good shape, but not quite ready to take on the ocean. Being allergic to bee stings helps, because it adds incentive.
• Tie a steak to your rear and shake it at a cheetah. Cheetahs can run up to 70 miles an hour, so if you can outrun a cheetah, you’re getting better at this running thing. However, if you can’t outrun the cheetah, you will be eaten, so if at first you don’t succeed, make sure you have funeral arrangements.
• Join NASCAR. Stock cars generally travel around 190 miles an hour, so if you can run beside them and keep up, you’re doing great. You’ll have to make a pit stop every few laps to change out your tennis shoes, because the treads will undoubtedly melt off. And if you ram into the wall going 190 miles an hour, you will most likely die. Also, if a stock car sideswipes you, you will most likely die. And it’ll look ironic if you get torn to pieces on the track while wearing an endorsement for Band-Aid or Juicy Juice. You should have had a V8 if you find yourself dragged underneath the Kellogg’s stock car for seven laps.

If you find you’re unable or physically unfit to run across the ocean, then you can always try walking on water. It might seem impossible, but how do you know if you never get your feet wet?

Watermelon’s float, which is why they’re called watermelons. And melons are those things in a dolphin’s head that play part in the focusing of sound signals (go ahead, look it up in the dictionary). So you have the word water and you have a word that has something to do with dolphins, so watermelons are a good investment to make if you want to cross the ocean. Simply buy a couple big ones, hollow them out, and then stick your feet inside. These cheap floatation devices will keep you afloat and will only set you back about eight bucks. Your watermelon shoes will be difficult to walk in at first, so I suggest practicing on land, and maybe wearing them to work. If you want to go another route, instead of watermelons, you can get a couple of dolphins, hollow them out, and stick your feet inside. Everyone knows that dead fish float, so they also serve as great floatation devices. They will also look quite fashionable on your feet and you might start a trend. I’m not sure how much a dolphin will cost you, but the ones at Sun Life Stadium in Miami usually draft anywhere between $100,000 and 30 million.

If you don’t want to get your feet wet, then invest in a really long rope. How long of a rope, you may ask? It depends on what ocean you want to cross. If it’s the Atlantic, then a rope that’s 3,000 miles long. The Atlantic might look like it’s only 7 inches wide on the map, but most maps are inaccurate. Tie one end of the rope to a pier, and then have a buddy overseas tie the other end of it to a pier in his country. You will have to mail the rope to him, but only one end of it, or you can try tying one end of the rope to a large bird and having it fly over there. If you don’t think you’re quite ready to stay on a tightrope, then here is one idea to help get better balance.

• Walk a straight line. That might seem easy enough, but try doing it drunk and with a monkey on your back. If you can’t find a monkey, then find a sack of potatoes. If you can’t find a sack of potatoes, then give finding a monkey a second try, because that’s the best way to go. The monkey will be repeatedly slapping you on the head and rubbing poo in your face, so if you can overcome the distractions that presents and the fact that you’re drunk out of your mind, then you can master your concentration skills and also your balance. How drunk do you need to be? Find a skunk and give it a breath analyzer test. However drunk that skunk is, that’s how drunk you need to be.

Crossing the ocean on a tightrope is obviously dangerous, because if you fall off, you will either drown or get eaten by a shark. So try it at your own risk. If you decide you want to take the monkey with you, because you’ve grown accustomed to having it on your shoulders, or grown attached to it for romantic reasons, then that’s up to you. But remember, the Atlantic Ocean is 15,840,000 feet wide, and that’s a long time to have to walk a tightrope with a monkey rubbing poo in your face. I know monkey poo is nutritional, because they eat a lot of fruit and berries, but if you’re bringing the monkey along simply because of the nutritional and fiber content of its poo, you could always just pack your pockets full of granola bars. Those are also nutritional. But a shark probably won’t eat you if you’re covered in monkey poo, so yeah, take the monkey.

Another cheap way to cross the ocean is to get swallowed by a whale. The question naturally arises as to how to tempt the whale to actually swallow you. Here are some ideas on how to accomplish that.

• Follow the example of Pinocchio. Wear a cute little outfit made out of wood and dangle yourself above the ocean with string. A passing whale will mistake you for a puppet and will immediately swallow you, because that’s what whales like to do. However, there is no guarantee that the whale will take you where you need to go. Nor is there a guarantee that this will actually work.
• Follow the example of Jonah. If God tells you to go to Nineveh or someplace else, tell him you’re not in the mood. Hop a plane to the Bahamas, instead. God will then send a storm and the other people on the plane will think you’re bringing them bad luck, so they will toss you out of the plane and into the ocean, where God will then have a whale set and ready to swallow you to teach you a lesson. You’ll be in the whale for three days, and then it will spit you out somewhere. This is a clever way to get across the ocean, but God may not be pleased with your treachery and will send a lion to swallow you the second time.

If you find any of these useful ideas on how to cross an ocean on a cheap budget illogical, then feel free to simply take a boat or a plane. Just remember that boats often sink, and so do planes, after they explode when hitting the water.

Here is a list of movies you need to watch before making the decision to take a boat.

• Titanic. It’s ironic that a ship can be sunk by water, which is what icebergs are, just frozen water. That’d be like a plane being taken down by a chuck of really hard air.
• Poseidon. Some butterfly might flap its wings half way round the world and send a rogue wave your way, capsizing the boat. Stupid butterflies. They’re so cute, though.
• Jaws. Always make sure the boat you choose to take isn’t small enough to get eaten by a great white shark. If it is, you’re going to need a bigger boat, and then the shark will need a bigger mouth.
• The Perfect Storm. George Clooney is incredibly good looking. But being incredibly good looking doesn’t exclude you from being drowned at sea. The ocean has no preferences.

If you absolutely must take your journey on a manmade transporting device, because it makes you feel safer, or if you simply don’t think you’re ready to run across the ocean or walk a tightrope, or if you don’t fancy the idea of monkey poo being rubbed in your face, or if you hate the very idea of watermelons or think that whales are stupid and not fun to hang out with, then may I suggest taking a submarine. Here is a link to an article about submarines, and you can read it, if you feel so inclined. But I really wish you’d take the four cheap ideas I presented seriously. They’ll make your trip across the ocean even more enjoyable. Have a pleasant trip and bon voyage.