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How to Get Rid of Unwanted Holiday Houseguests

Updated on November 6, 2012
Jeannieinabottle profile image

Jeannie has been writing for HubPages for over 5 years. She covers a wide variety of topics—anything from hamsters to office work.

When Too Much Family Togetherness Strikes!

Christmas time can be a beautiful time when families get together under one roof and appreciate each other. It can also be a time when families get together under one roof and slowly go completely insane until resentment, anger, and frustration begin to emerge. Eventually, people begin plotting against each other. Past drama begins to resurface, and well, it all goes downhill from there.

No matter who you are or how lovely your relatives can be, there comes a time when a holiday houseguest becomes an unwanted holiday houseguest. Sometimes time spent together can become too much time spent together. All of your family members probably have some redeeming qualities, especially if they live hundreds of miles away. Everyone seems charming in the occasional email or the funny Facebook status update. However, once everyone gets under one roof for the holidays, things can take an ugly turn.

If you are about to suffer through one of these lovely holiday events, have no fear! I am here to explain some of the many ways you can get rid of an unwanted holiday houseguest. Aunt Gertrude or Cousin Merle won't want to hang out at your place too long if you follow some of these suggestions.

Gross Smells

A sure way to scare off any houseguest that has worn out his or her welcome is too make your house smelly. If you are not sure how to achieve this, ask yourself some of these simple questions:

Do you have a dog? If not, can you borrow a dog?

Do you have a kitty litter box? If not, once again, can you acquire one?

If you workout at the gym, how bad does your workout clothing smell?

If all else fails, do you have some old food?

If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, you are fast on your way to making your home stink in no time. Don't bother bathing Fido for a while or just simply stop cleaning the kitty litter box. Leave disgusting workout clothes or smelly socks all over the place. Hide some rotten food somewhere in the house where no one can find it. In no time, those pesky houseguests will be running for the door!

Start Unplugging Stuff

Of course, a major issue with making your house stink is that you are also going to have to suffer through it. If you don't have the stomach for it or the nerve for it, you must try a different technique.

Let's say your relatives have been hanging out, watching your TV, using your computer, microwaving all your food, wasting the heat, or any other annoying activity along those lines. Well, start unplugging things. Turn off the lights while they are in the room. Start unplugging the TV and unplug the cable wires. Better yet, hide the cable wires. You know your family members have been running up the cable bill all day watching On Demand programs anyway; pull the plug!

Try Being Annoying

Obviously your family members must be pretty annoying or you wouldn't be bothering to read this at all. If this is the case, why not try beating them at their own game? If they can be annoying, you can be annoying as well. Some ideas that should really provoke them are:

  • Sing off-key all the time, especially if they are trying to watch TV.
  • Attempt to play any musical instrument in the middle of the night, especially if you do not know how to play.
  • Answer every question with, "I heard that!" even if it totally does not apply to the conversation.
  • Snore, burp, fart, snort, cackle, meow, bark, or make any other strange noise periodically.
  • Allow all the neighborhood children to come into the house and stay all day. Encourage them to play with the guests' luggage.

These are really just a few ideas. There are many more you can have fun with - just use your imagination. The more entertaining it is for you, the better!

Pretend You Have Ghosts

Let's face it, nothing ruins a fun Christmas event more than ghosts sticking their nose in your business. If you believe a haunted house is a good way to scare your relatives into leaving, by all means, this is the best route for you. A few objects moving around on their own and the occasional creepy voice are sure to convince them. If not, it never hurts to create a little poltergeist activity when no one is paying enough attention to notice it is you throwing stuff around.

Of course, a haunted house is not going to scare everyone away. If you are hanging out with the guys from Ghost Hunters or something, that is totally not going to get rid of them. Then again, if the guys from Ghost Hunters are hanging out at your place, what is wrong with you? You totally don't want to scare them into leaving. If you do, they can certainly stay with me; please send them my way.

Padlock the Bathroom Doors

If the annoying relatives are not getting the point yet, this calls for a more drastic approach. I wouldn't recommend doing this at the beginning of the stay, but if folks have really worn out their welcome, it is time to break out the power tools and start locking the bathroom doors so they can't use them. Seriously, they've probably been using way too much toilet paper anyway.

Of course, once they need to use the bathroom, you are obviously going to have to make the decision whether things are going to "get a little messy" or if you are going to be kind and unlock the door "just this once." Personally, I would recommend charging them a dollar anytime someone needs to use the bathroom. You may not be able to get rid of them as houseguests, but at least you can make some fast cash. Just make sure they pay in cash. I don't trust anyone to pay with checks in this economy.

When All Else Fails...

If you've gotten to the end of this list and you still haven't managed to chase away your holiday houseguests yet, you are in real trouble. I don't know what is wrong with those people. I guess the time has come to break out a classic maneuver that is a sure way to scare away any houseguest:

Ask them to help pitch in around the house!

Yes, ask them if they will help you start cleaning. Better yet, see if they will pitch in and buy some food, too. Also, it never hurts to see if they are willing to cook the food while you are on the subject. Yes, asking people to actually clean up after themselves or pay for a few things is usually the best way to get rid of that pesky houseguest. You are sure to seem them running for the door now.

Happy Holidays!


Copyright ©2012 Jeannieinabottle

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  • Jeannieinabottle profile image
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    Jeannie InABottle 2 years ago from Baltimore, MD

    Thanks so much, carter06. I am glad you liked the hub.

  • carter06 profile image

    Mary 2 years ago from Cronulla NSW

    This is very good advice Jeanie and a hub everyone should read now before the up coming holidays.. Preparation is the key I say:) fun hub..

    Cheers

  • Jeannieinabottle profile image
    Author

    Jeannie InABottle 3 years ago from Baltimore, MD

    Haha... I think I know what direction you are going in, Uppity Automaton. You are very right.

  • Uppity Automaton profile image

    Uppity Automaton 3 years ago from Washington, D.C

    You are missing the most direct way, which for legal purposes I am unable to mention.

  • Jeannieinabottle profile image
    Author

    Jeannie InABottle 4 years ago from Baltimore, MD

    Yes, the flu will certainly clear out a house. My mother is sick right now and I was not too excited to stay in the same house with her for days. I needed lots of antibacterial wipes and lotion! Thanks for your comment!

  • THE BLACK ALPACA profile image

    THE BLACK ALPACA 4 years ago

    Funny. The 24 hr. flu always works too, just make sure you've got all the bells and whistles to go along. Snickers in the toilet is always a good one. And don't flush it.

  • Jeannieinabottle profile image
    Author

    Jeannie InABottle 4 years ago from Baltimore, MD

    Wow, thanks for these awesome suggestions. Just the chocolate sprinkles alone would work at my place... my hamster scratches around so much everyone would be certain my place was infested. Awesome! Thanks for your comment!

  • Weekend Reader profile image

    Weekend Reader 4 years ago

    Record the sound of scratching on wood, preferably scratching that sounds like a rodent. Play this at odd times of the night. Leave individual chocolate sprinkles laying along the baseboards. *sigh* about how hard it is to get an exterminator during the holidays ... My parents (!) have successfully reminded me to leave this way -- twice!

  • Jeannieinabottle profile image
    Author

    Jeannie InABottle 4 years ago from Baltimore, MD

    Thanks so much, Sunshine625, VeronicaFarkas, and stillwaters707. I stumbled upon this hub and thought people might need this information for Thanksgiving. :-)

  • stillwaters707 profile image

    stillwaters707 4 years ago from Texas

    Padlock the bathroom? Too funny!

  • VeronicaFarkas profile image

    Veronica Roberts 4 years ago from Ohio, USA

    Very funny! You're so clever and mischievous. :)

  • Sunshine625 profile image

    Linda Bilyeu 4 years ago from Orlando, FL

    Classic hub and advice! :)

  • Jeannieinabottle profile image
    Author

    Jeannie InABottle 5 years ago from Baltimore, MD

    Thanks, everyone! I am glad so many people enjoyed this and it gave you some new ideas on getting rid of houseguests. Thanks for the comments!

  • meganlsmith3 profile image

    meganlsmith3 5 years ago from Texas

    Thanks for the laugh. Last year my in-laws came to visit with an open ended ticket. I could have used some of these ideas then.

  • letterme profile image

    letterme 5 years ago

    Love it!

  • cclitgirl profile image

    Cynthia Sageleaf 5 years ago from Western NC

    This is an incredible hub! You deserve 100!! Voted up and some other things, too. :)

  • Dee42 profile image

    Dee42 5 years ago from Beautiful Arkansas

    So Funny, I laughed out loud! Such a great Hub!!

  • adrienne2 profile image

    Adrienne F Manson 5 years ago from Atlanta

    Jeannie, Way to funny!! Ok pitch in and help around the house. Voted up!

  • WD Curry 111 profile image

    WD Curry 111 5 years ago from Space Coast

    Truthfully, no one hangs around the house enough to get sick of them.

  • Jeannieinabottle profile image
    Author

    Jeannie InABottle 5 years ago from Baltimore, MD

    Sunshine625 - I am so glad I could help. I am all about helping one person at a time scare away their unwanted guests.

    weestro- Wow, then this is good advice. For me, a creepy ghost story would make me want to stay longer.

    WD Curry 111 - I'll bet it is really tough for you to get rid of houseguests. If I could hang out in Florida, people would have to kick me out, too.

    Apryl Schwarz - Thanks for the vote up!

    RedElf - Yes, I have noticed that is always the best way to get rid of anyone. Glad you enjoyed the hub!

    Thanks everyone for your comments! Happy Holidays!

  • RedElf profile image

    RedElf 5 years ago from Canada

    Your last trick has always worked beautifully for me :D Thanks for a fun read!

  • Apryl Schwarz profile image

    Apryl Schwarz 5 years ago from Nebraska

    Very funny. Voted up!

  • WD Curry 111 profile image

    WD Curry 111 5 years ago from Space Coast

    Now, you are a good writer and this is a cute hub, but how are you going to tell someone from Florida about house guests? I have a sign in the bathroom. "Your stay here is limited to three days. If I said you could stay longer, ignore me . . . I have had too much to drink."

  • weestro profile image

    Pete Fanning 5 years ago from Virginia

    Wow, some great ideas here! Wait, I'm going to be a houseguest this season, one ghost story and I'm gone!

  • Sunshine625 profile image

    Linda Bilyeu 5 years ago from Orlando, FL

    Jeannie you are a genius! I was just talking about this issue yesterday with a friend! I'm going to share it with her! Thank you :))

  • Jeannieinabottle profile image
    Author

    Jeannie InABottle 5 years ago from Baltimore, MD

    Stephanie Henkel - Yes, putting the cat's litter box in the guest room is a good touch. Of course, they could just start cleaning it and not mind. Then again, who would ever want people like that to leave their house? The prime rib idea might work, too. Thanks for dropping by!

    Painted Seahorse - Excellent suggestion! I will keep that in mind the next time I want to clear out guests from my place. Thanks for the comment!

  • Painted Seahorse profile image

    Brittany Rowland 5 years ago from Woodstock, GA

    Very funny hub! My family would just turn the heat off. That drives people away in no time.

  • Stephanie Henkel profile image

    Stephanie Henkel 5 years ago from USA

    Hmm...very creative! You could always put the cat's litter box in the guest room and ask them to clean it if it gets too smelly... Or send them to the store to pick up some prime rib for dinner... oh, too bad you don't have any cash on you right now... Thanks for another fun read!

  • Jeannieinabottle profile image
    Author

    Jeannie InABottle 5 years ago from Baltimore, MD

    Thank you for the comments and for reading this hub!

    Gypsy Willow - I was trying to remember that old saying. I just remembered it had something to do with fish. Thanks for refreshing my memory!

    stephaniedas - I hope you will be able to try out some of these suggestions over the next month. Good luck!

    SusieQ42 - Yes, the rotten food idea is not for everyone. I am glad you enjoyed the hub.

    Happy Holidays, Everyone!

  • profile image

    SusieQ42 5 years ago

    What great ideas! I love them all but don't think I could put up with smelly rotten food. Getting them to help around the house does make sense though. Thanks for sharing some great, outrageous tips for getting rid of annoying holiday guests. lol

  • stephaniedas profile image

    Stephanie Das 5 years ago from Miami, US

    Hmm, many good suggestions to keep in mind over the next month!

  • Gypsy Willow profile image

    Gypsy Willow 5 years ago from Lake Tahoe Nevada USA , Wales UK and Taupo New Zealand

    Ha ha the old adage "Guests are like fish, after 3 days they stink!" is so true.

  • Jeannieinabottle profile image
    Author

    Jeannie InABottle 5 years ago from Baltimore, MD

    Thanks so much! I am glad you enjoyed the hub. I have found asking people to help out really clears out a place. Thanks for reading and thanks for the comment!

  • Alecia Murphy profile image

    Alecia Murphy 5 years ago from Wilmington, North Carolina

    Awesome hub Jeannie and I love your name! I Dream of Jeannie is one of my favorite shows from childhood. I agree, about the asking everyone to help, nothing clears a house faster :)!

  • Jeannieinabottle profile image
    Author

    Jeannie InABottle 5 years ago from Baltimore, MD

    I am glad you enjoyed it. Relatives are great until they start eating all your food and won't go home. :-) Thanks for the comment!

  • nybride710 profile image

    Lisa Kroulik 5 years ago from Minnesota

    This was a fun read. Fortunately, all of my relatives live close enough to drive home!