Have Yourself a Tacky Little Christmas

When it comes to Christmas, some people believe it is serious business. They begin buying new decorations and presents months before Christmas. They try to tastefully decorate their house so visitors can marvel at their work. Some people take great pride in decorating for Christmas. This is not a hub for those folks.

This is a hub about creating a tacky little Christmas for you and your loved ones. Maybe you just don't take Christmas that seriously, nor should you. Perhaps you like artificial trees - the faker the better. Maybe you like barking stuffed Christmas dogs. Good for you! You might even be one of those people that likes to give the reindeer that poops jelly beans for Christmas. No one ever said funny gifts were a bad idea. You need a laugh during a stressful time like Christmas. While you are pulling your hair out trying to buy the perfect sweater for Aunt Hilda, why not have yourself a tacky little Christmas?

Your home can be as ugly and untraditional as you'd like! It is your home and why not have a little fun this Christmas? Why not buy the stuff you really want to buy? You can do it and you can be proud of it. Good taste has just flown out the door!

In a time not that long ago, people used to try to find artificial trees that looked like real live pine trees. Who were we kidding? Fake trees look fake. They smell like plastic. They are artificial trees, so I say embrace it. When buying a tree, look for a Christmas tree that looks faker than any other tree. Thankfully, it is easy to find something obviously fake in today's day and age.

Buy a pink tree. Isn't pink a pretty color? Yes, I thought so. Why not go out and get a pink tree? How about a purple tree? There is no limit to ridiculous colors you've never seen in nature, so just go for it.

Even better, buy a fiber optic tree. They are really pretty and you don't even have to add lights. Your tree will glimmer with different beautiful colors all night. For that matter, get yourself a white tree and you can really appreciate the awesome array of colors.

By the way, are you lazy? It's OK. You can admit it. If you are lazy, you may want to buy a fake, pre-decorated tree. You can just grab that bad boy out the box and plop it down in your livingroom. Your major chore will be finding a place to plug it in. If you're really lazy, you don't even need to do that. It will probably look OK not lit. Merry Christmas!

Now that you've got your fake tree up, you need to continue with the theme. You can't stop now, unless of course, you answered, "Yes" to the "Are you lazy?" question. If that's the case, you probably haven't made it this far anyway. Naps are always crucial after reading a few paragraphs.

It's time to liven things up with some tacky decorations. What are some good tacky decorations for your fake tree or just to string around your livingroom? When you see it, you will know it. If it makes you pause and say, "I don't know... this is really awful," then you have a winner.

Good examples of bad taste decorations:

• Beer can ornaments
• Anything with pink flamingos
• Farting ornaments or decorations
• Santa mooning anyone
• A reindeer pooping anything
• Christmas Story leg lamps

You've come so far, you can't stop now. Now that you've decorated your home with some of the worst decorations ever, you've got to really top it all off. You need a Christmas sweater. Don't be scared! You can't have a whole house full of craptacular decorations without dressing the part.

Aside from a nice Christmas sweater, what you need more than anything else is a light-up sweater. Although they are difficult to find, many thrift stores sell them. Gee, wonder why they ended up there? I know what you are thinking... "Really? Those exist? Why? How? What?" Don't question it. Just embrace it. Just wear your ugly holiday sweater and pretend it is attractive. After all, if you like everything listed above, you might just think a Christmas sweater is cute, too.

You may want to top off your entire look with something else lovely, like a Christmas tree hat or maybe some earrings that light up. Yes, they exist, too. The problem with the Christmas bulb earrings is they tend to blow out rather quickly. I know this because... ummm... just forget I said anything.

By this time, the only thing you really need is some bad Christmas music. You might not know it, but there is a lot of wacky Christmas music out there you can enjoy. Make sure to pick up some classic hits like:

• Christmas at Ground Zero by Weird Al Yankovic
• Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer by Elmo and Patsy
• Christmas in Jail by Asleep at the Wheel
• Santa Claus is Watching You by Ray Stevens
• Jingle Bells by the Barking Christmas Dogs
• Christmas Don't Be Late by the Chipmunks
• The 12 Pains of Christmas by Bob Rivers

Now that you've reached the end of this journey into bad taste, I hope you are ready to go out into the world and make this Christmas a Christmas to remember. Have yourself a tacky little Christmas this year!