How to Write Hubs That No One Reads!
Languishing in Cyberspace
Over the course of the past two years I have managed to distinguish myself with an impressive portfolio of mediocre Hubs that have been largely ignored. To the untrained amateur, it would appear to be largely due to my complete lack of literary ability to string together a few coherent sentences but my wife assures me it’s only because I suck at writing. While other Hubbers routinely produce quality efforts that attract a large segment of the readership, my Hubs have mostly floundered in anonymity and neglect.
I however refuse to indulge in excessive self-pity but rather have resigned myself with a certain savoir faire to my marginal place in the literary universe. It is my karma. And so now I seek to attain a Zen state of mediocrity which I would be content to occupy. That is, as long as I don't think about all my unread Hubs languishing in cyberspace.
Part of the problem I face is that I have been forced to compete with impressive titles like, "Laundry Lists of Former Celebrities" or salacious articles that would make a reporter for the National Enquirer blush. There are those scintillating topics, such as how to showcase your belly-button lint collection. I often smack my forehead with the palm of my hand because I missed that opportunity?
Oh, I admit at first I was really miffed! I confess I too wanted to be popular and attract large numbers of readers who would deluge me with gushing reviews of my work until I blushed. I admit I was jealous of the other writers; the ones not like me who actually didn't suck at writing. All of which left me to sulk from my petty perch of petulant self-pity as these Hubs attracted significant number of readers who actually READ their articles.
There are however several advantages when it comes to being an anonymous writer that no one wants to read. For instance, I frequently make up completely bizarre and un-factual facts without fear of slander because no one will ever know.
Kooky Conspiracy Theories!
I was desperately in need of something to write so I concocted an act of literary sabotage with complete impunity by reinventing history. How else would you have known that George Washington often dressed in drag? He had already been featured in several paintings wearing powdered wigs, hose, and heels, which is why I suspect he was a cross dresser. Martha was upset when she discovered his little secret.
Journalism is just a little too constricted for me since they expect you to maintain a semblance of integrity and at least appear objective. They actually frown on reporting events without actual evidence unless you happen to be Dan Rather or a Jayson Blair. All this means you are required to do painstaking research and cite your sources. This is why I prefer to hatch up kooky conspiracy theories so bizarre that only an idiot would believe. And so I surmise that my writings are largely ignored due to some obscure conspiracy theory based on some arrangement between respectable writers and the...um...the Illuminati. Yes that's it! That must be why no one reads my material. Darn those secret societies!
And then there was the Hub I wrote about my most recent alien abduction. Fortunately I was able to write about these incidents in complete anonymity without all those annoying media satellite trucks parked in my front yard. Not to mention the incessant demands for interviews!
I once hid out in the woods after dark in a desperate attempt to garner material for a Sasquatch sighting. Oh sure, you say. Another Sasquatch sighting? Ho, hum! This may not seem significant until you consider all the other fakers in those big hairy costumes you see in badly blurred photographs are in on the conspiracy to discredit true Bigfoot sightings like mine. Actually there is no conspiracy which I surmise may be part of a larger conspiracy itself. No, wait! I remember now. It was Sasquatch and he was spotted…in a UFO and he's engaged in some apocalyptic war with the Yetis . . .Yetis with light sabers!!
OK. I admit that was not one of my better efforts! I'd be really embarrassed about that one but since no one ever read it, I have not been banned by the Writer's Guild. If I had really seen Bigfoot, I would have asked him to write my Hub for me. How about that, all you talented overachievers! Ha!
Oh, wait. Don't tell me, you never read that one either!
Napoleon Flunked Geography!
And then there was the time I wrote about dating Brittany Spears...once. True story! I haven't told any because after I broke up with her she was so despondent she shaved her head. Don't go ask her about it; she can't remember a thing since she was still in rehab at the time. But we had a great time together. In retrospect it may have just been a life-sized cardboard cut-out of Brittany but that's beside the point.
I won't stoop to the level of those who would insult your intelligence with worn out recounts of time-travel or the same old boring reincarnation drivel. Even I have a semblance of scruples as a writer however in a completely unrelated incident from my former life; I did know Napoleon in the third grade. That at least seemed like good material for another Hub. Back in the 17th century we used to hang out. After class we dusted erasers and talked about girls. Once during recess, he tried to take over the school but his scheme was foiled and he was promptly banished to detention.
Napoleon was actually a little dweeb which is why the other kids refused to sit with him during lunch, mostly because he insisted on wearing that funny sideways hat. So he resorted to organizing full scale armed revolts during recess when he should have been doing his book report. This made things difficult for the Principal since he often had to thwart his mad maniacal plots to take over grammar school and declare himself dictator. Once because he got a D-minus in geography -he thought Russia was supposed to be a part of France- he was livid. Years later he invaded Russia just because he couldn't admit he was wrong.
And the famous pictures of old Bonaparte with his hand inside his jacket? I refuse to tell why . . .OK, OK. You made me blurt out the tawdry little secret. He was adjusting his brazier...or maybe his hand was cold. I can't remember. My memory gets a little fuzzy after several centuries have passed. Secretly he did suffer from hot flashes and severe mood swings which is why he was so hostile and occasionally felt the need to invade other countries. Now I regret telling you this since he made me pinky-promise not to tell anyone.
Most writers would have already received an angry letter of protest from the French Consulate for what could be construed as blatant lies which under normal circumstances would have created an embarrassing international incident. But since no one reads my Hubs, they will never find out. Crisis averted.
Since I have nothing else intelligent to say, now would be a great time to insert a pointless bullet list;
How to Bolster Sagging Readership
- Change your name.
No one reads anything written by Sam or Bob... You must have a fancy moniker. I prefer an unspoken name or you may refer to me as, 'The Writer Formally Known As Jimagain'.
- Be a deviant. Any kind will do.
Develop some kind of demented, crippling psychosis. Normal is so blasé. Psychopaths and other deviants have the inside track when it comes to notoriety. Attention! Morally upstanding writers with talent, please step to the back of the line.
- Exhibit unstable or peculiar behavior often.
Remember Klinger from Mash? What About Kramer from Seinfeld? Of course you do. and if you heard that either of these guys had written a blog, you'd click to see what it was about.
- Go on a few well reported drunken or drug induced binges.
It helps to have at least one really bad celebrity mug shot splashed across the five o' clock news to keep up your public image.
- Angry or dysfunctional relatives or spouses are a huge plus!
Do any of your relatives chase cars? Recently been abducted by aliens? Do you have an aunt that exhibits bizarre behavior? Are any of your immediate family musicians. Immediately you have access to free publicity.
My latest project...
I probably shouldn't divulge sensitive information like this about my many aberrations of good judgment and the numerous threats I have received from the Writer's Guild not to mention the injunction filed against me for defamation on behalf of all the legitimate writers. This is why the judge signed that restraining order prohibiting me within 500 feet of a laptop. But of course, no one reads my Hubs so the world will never know!
Because frankly, as I have discovered, no one is even remotely interested in reading anything I wrote. And if you don't believe that just ask my wife. She will tell you as much.
And now if you will excuse me, I must return to my latest really big project destined to propel me into fame entitled," Artful Crafts Woven from Excess Celebrity Nasal Hair."
I feel really good about this one!
© 2012 Jim Henderson