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Joke Packet: A submission to Late Night Television Shows

Updated on May 16, 2013
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Danny Sparks is a stand up Comedian, Writer and Actor and Entrepenuer. He lives in Santa Monica, Ca with his wife and three children.

Go to the places where they make TV to see for yourself.

Me, outside NBC Studios, New York where shows like "30 Rock" are made.
Me, outside NBC Studios, New York where shows like "30 Rock" are made.

Becoming a staff Writer for Late Night television

If you've ever wondered who comes up with the monologue, or short comedic set late night tv hosts, such as David Letterman, Conan O'Brien or Jay Leno perform at the beginning of their shows, its the staff writers. Staff writers come from all walks of life,but most come from some form of comedy. Majority are stand up comedians and improv actors.

Anyway, I myself am a stand up comedian, in search of the "coveted" staff writing gig. There are various ways to chase this job down. One, is to to perform at comedy clubs where agents, managers and even casting directors for the networks attend and be seen by one of them. Another is to send material or samples of your work to them. Some writers even have websites where you can go to find their work. The point is, put your stuff out there for the world to see it.

Samples of My Work

I'm not just writing this article to preach to young (or old) Comedians on what to do to get the job. I am actually going to post my latest packet of jokes that I plan on submitting. "Saturday Night Live" is going through a huge overhaul of talent, now that Seth Meyers is leaving. This means its time to submit people!

Not only is SNL going to need writers, but "Late Night", the show where Seth is going should be in need of a few as well. These positions may already be filled, but why not give it a try. You have to have that Hail Mary attitude when submitting. They can't say No if they don't ever receive it. Ok, enough chatter.

These jokes are property of Daniel Sparks ©2013

"I feel sorry for those women held captive in Cleveland for 3 years. I was held captive there for 7." --LeBron James

“Django Unchained" premiers in China heavily censored. In China's version, Madea breaks tense moments with a snappy "Hellerrrr!"

For years, I thought "Deadliest Catch" was a show about women who had unprotected sex with Magic Johnson.

Tom Cruise is taking forever to pick a new wife. It's simple, right? Have her sign the non-disclosure agreement, then move her in, right?

Bud Light Margaritas is the above ground pool of alcohol.

When she has her baby, this will be the first time ever that a black person comes "out" of Kim Kardashian.

NBC cancels more shows than Katt Williams.

I used to get texts that said, "Hey sexy" now it's "put the chicken in the oven when you get home".

What's harder to get into, a double dutch jump rope in full swing, or an Ivy-League college?

I almost applied as a trash man picking up trash in a cul-de sac neighborhood, but I can't see myself in a dead end job.

What does Jesus give Mary for Mothers Day? She's like, "not another miracle...he gives me that every year."

70% of Americans voted for tougher immigration, the other 30% voted “No Me Gusta”.

I have a stepson, and I love him, but I can’t help but to think of him as an abortion decision I never got the chance to make.

Altar boys know what they’re getting into at this point.

Being bi-polar only sucks half the time.

Concussions in the NFL are getting out of hand. And this time, its not just the wives and girlfriends.

I was horrified when I read my horoscope this morning and it said, “duck”.

If kids are God’s gift to us, is adoption re-gifting?

My favorite rapper is Kanye West. My favorite raper is Kobe Bryant.

My safe word is ouch.

My white friend asked me if he could use the word nigger around me, and I said, “again?”

They say ‘all dogs go to heaven’, but what about the dogs in the Civil rights Movement, them too?

I joined the Black Panther Party for all the fisting.

Michael J. Fox’s wife does not own a vibrator. We all know why.

Asian people say my jokes are real eye openers.

I hate when I initially see a person with cerebral palsy because I keep thinking that they’re making fun of the way black people walk.

When you get married, you go from anal sex to annual sex.

A screwdriver is an orange juice and vodka, a greyhound is vodka and grapefruit and a Lindsay Lohan is vodka in a water bottle at an AA meeting.

Why don’t child abductors ever steal kids from orphanages? It’s a victimless crime.

By show of hands, how many double amputees do we have in the house tonight?

Me and my wife have sex missionary style. That’s where I invade her village and force Christianity upon her.

No homo means homeless in Spanish.

My resume is written in long Improv form. I walk into an interviewer’s office and say “gimme a topic.”

Did Noah put two gays on the ark?

It’s hard to stop fat people, once they get rolling.

I have a really obese friend, who’s also innovative. Every time he walks, its groundbreaking.

Chris Brown is the new spokesman for battered women of America. Well, you know what they say, “If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em”.

Finding a needle in a haystack is easy when you’re addicted to heroin.

Prison inmates are on Facebook telling girls that they live in a gated community.

I once performed at a sick children’s hospital. Boy, were those kids laughs infectious.

Rodney King piñatas always get the party rockin.

I’m a Bourne Supremist. All those other secret agents can go back to Africa where they belong.

America’s Most Wanted is going off the air after 23 years. I guess they caught everyone.

On September 11th, some poor guy looked up and said, “Look, it’s a bird, it’s a plane.” And people laughed at him.

I just found my wife’s g-spot. Turns out it’s at the bottom of my wallet.

I want to get tested for testicular cancer but I don’t have the balls.

Dennis Rodman needs to get back into shape. He can barely fit into his wedding dress.

The internet kills a lot of celebrities. That’s why when I heard the whole “Marylyn Monroe is dead” thing, I didn’t believe it for one second.

I put up a flyer at the park that said “Flag Football Game” but I misspelled a word. Now there’s a bunch of gay guys out here stretching.

I don’t know what my dream job is because I can never remember my dreams.

I originally thought “Silicon Valley” was the area between Nancy Pelosi’s breasts.

I had to switch Catholic Churches. I didn’t like the Priest. I don’t know, he just rubbed me the wrong way.

I got fired as a fat camp counselor because I kept using pie charts.

Currently writing outline for reality show "The Bachelor: John Edwards Edition" winner gets guy and a rose, loser get cancer and dies.

I don’t eat alphabet soup because I don’t like people putting words in my mouth.

Medicinal? What disease does weed cure?Ambition-ism? I guess if I wake up and wanna get too much stuff done today there’s a cure for that.

Pitching a show concept to TNT about a writer with writers' block who writes the same shows over and over, calling it "TNT Writers".

There's no such thing as 'reverse racism'. You're either racist, or you're not. If you can do it in reverse, you're just showing off.

Warren Buffet's joining Twitter. Great, now he'll have more money AND followers than me.

Master P would be out of Bankruptcy in like two seconds if he pawned his bedroom.

R. Kelly is still the best singer you ever knew who peed on a girl.

Well, Chris Bosh, look on the bright side, there's always "First Bi-Sexual NBA player ever".

People hold Charles Barkley at too high of a standard. He's a jock from Alabama. Talk hoops and fishing, not culture.

Just ordered a boneless, skinless, chickenless chicken meal from KFC.

You think the movie "Rocky" was fake?? Have you seen Sylvestor Stallone's face lately??

The NFL Draft is basically like, "Which dudes will have concussions, rape cases, or DUI's in the next 5 years?" #HungerGames2013

Rihanna was spotted at the Miami Heat game wearing sunglasses. Hoping its not to cover up anything.

US officials are waiting for Alleged Boston bomber to heal from gunshot wounds so that water boarding can begin.

David Copperfield's grand finale is where he turns a hoe into a housewife then drops the mic and walks offstage.

North Korea just bought a whole bunch of plutonium. Either they're going back to the future, or something is up.

My Spanish friend is so racist, its like he's a member of the Que Que Que.

Jay-Z is staring a sports agency.Smart because to find the good players, all you have to do is see who Air Jordan picks and not pick them..

I'm a racist. Everywhere I go, I want to race people. Especially white people.

My favorite Wayans brother is Jim Carey.

According to commercials, if your beer don't come from the mountains, yousa bitch.

Brad Pitt has more black kids then Michael Jackson.

On the day Jesus came back to life, I think like 3 magicians just flat out quit. They're in their green room like, "he did what?!?"

I don't mind having my identity stolen, because now there are two people embarrassed when their card comes back declined at restaurants.

My background is in Stand Up Comedy as well.

Me, performing in Ventura, CA
Me, performing in Ventura, CA

That's my time, you've been great.

Understand that not everyone will like your jokes. So what. Part of the process of television writing for jokes is writing a ton of them so you give your head writer something to choose from. Welp, hope you enjoyed my joke packet, and hopefully I'll see some of you on the studio lot or in writers meetings. Late.

Video Sample of My Stand Up Comedy (2012)


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