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A Rap Artist is Living in My Head! Funny Story

Updated on August 20, 2013

Setting up home in my Head!

Now I don't know about you, but I try to be a nice person. I do. Honestly. I help people in the street, I do people's shopping for them, I even helped my brother with moving into his own house and sitting on his backside while I hung the darn curtains, but my nice me of the week was helping an old man carry his deckchairs back to the car after sitting in the park. Evidently he had gone stiff as a board, I know how he feels I am getting to that age too! Well I feel like it anyway!

So what's that got to do with a devil living in my head? Or even more bizarre, the occasional burst of information from my residential rap star yelling in my ear, or should I say shouting in my cerebellum!

Mad? Well let me explain. For example, I was walking down the town with my son the other day and there was this, well, how shall I put it? large woman in front of me. I carried on walking behind her, listening to my son warbling on in my ear talking about cars or something as riveting, and suddenly without even thinking it, I swear it wasn't me thinking it, the words nearly popped out of my mouth to the large woman, 'I ain't obeese I iz just faaaaat!!'

I swear to goodness right here right now, I didn't have a clue where it came from. It was my mouth, and my brain, but who the hell just said that?

Shut The Hell Up!

I swear I clamped my hands over my mouth. It nearly came out! Suffice to say my son was in hysterics at me. 'Mum, you are nasty to her, it's not her fault she is fat' he said, smirking at me for the look on my face. I was mortified, what if she had heard me?

The point is, why are we like this? I am sure that everybody knows exactly what I am talking about. However good we are, there is a full sized bitch and a half living inside our heads! I have realised over the years that the one inside me is male, the reason being at least it has a sense of humour! Why I say this is because i can't stand bitchiness, and some women do it to your face. At least mine is hidden away nicely inside my stupid brain! I don't want to be like that, I feel so guilty after I have thought it. But mine is definitely got a wicked sense of humour. Hence the male!

I try to be nice, I do honestly! But if you are confronted with a big woman in front of you wibbling and wobbling about, what else are you going to think? Let's be honest here. I ain't perfect far from it, and my conscious brain is a good little girl. But for some reason the other part of my brain decides to tell it like it is. Like Whoopi Goldberg in the film Jumping Jack Flash, when she's given the truth drug and can't keep her mouth shut. And for some reason mine sounds just like a rapper.


The worse thing that gets my rapper going is young girls on their cell phones. Now I know it is probably jealousy, I mean let's face it, if you think something bitchy it is just that. Jealousy! There is no other reason for it, you can make excuses up in your mind that it is for other reasons, but no there is no other reason. Apart from a big, well, person in front of you, I mean.

Every time I see a young girl warbling into her phone J.D. the rap star, starts yelling, 'Oy you stupid bimbo, get outta ma face, before I stick that phone where the sun don't shine! get a brain, get a life, BUT GET THE HELL OUTTA MY WAY! This usually happens when I am trying to get past with about ten bags of shopping, and the girl is wandering along aimlessly talking about parties and is he really that gorgeous? Ummm. Sooooo Fiiiine! Bah Humbug! Occasionally J.D. gets the urge to trip her up. 'Go on, ya know ya wanna!' 'Shut up!' I yell silently to my residential pain in the neck, 'Don't be nasty'.

It's like he's sitting on my shoulder, trying to blow her over or something, with a big grin on his face.



Dizzee Rascal And Eminem doing the rap!

But what's a girl, well woman, to do when Dizzee and Eminem start to do a duet in my head when I am in the middle of Sainsbury's grocery shop on a Saturday morning, for goodness sake? To be fair, it was partly my fault. Well, actually probably quite a bit my fault. I have had a bad foot for a few weeks and I tend to hobble slightly and be very careful when I walk. The trouble is, the more you try and be careful the more clumsy you get. Badly clumsy. I was sashaying around, swishing my basket too and fro, humming to myself under my breath, when all of a sudden, out of the blue, and I mean blue, a girl wearing a blue mini dress, high heels and would you believe the Paris Hilton of her, a bloody yappy lap dog in her bag, careered into me, while she was cooing to the stupid rat like creature in the said bag! well, me being the most graceful of ladees, swung round to apologise to her, thinking it was an old lady who had tripped over, and was met with a look that could seer glass better than a nuclear explosion.

To my amazement she said, ' CAN'T YOU WATCH WHERE YOUR BLOODY GOING'! DIDN'T YOU SEEEE MEEE YOU STUPID COW! Well, that was it, my decorum took a dive and without thinking my stupid brain yelled, oh I don't believe it it yelled, wait for it, 'IS IT A NIGHTCLUB? IS IT A DANCE FLOOR, DO YOU ALWAYS WALK AROUND LOOKING LIKE A FLOOZY AT THIS TIME OF THE DAY? (Floozy? where the hell did that come from?) But Dizzy, or Eminem, couldn't tell which, decided this wasn't enough. Oh no, that would be too, well easy.

'SO IT'S PARIS BLOODY HILTON IS IT? 'THIS IS SAINSBURY'S NOT THE MINISTRY OF SOUND! (I must admit I quite liked that one, it's the only nightclub I knew of in London!) She stared at me. I stared back, J.D, or Dizzy or... well you get the picture, sat grinning from ear to ear in my imagination. I knew they were there, I could here a quiet mumbling of ' That's it, go girl' in the background of my mind.


At last the me, decided to turn up. UHUM! I cleared my throat. 'Why are you dressed like an evening out, with those shoes no wonder you trod on me. I said with dignity! Dignity my ass, my face was red, my mouth needed a gobstopper, and wanted out of there! The place was silent. Everybody was watching and snickering. At her mainly, thank goodness, well she did look ridiculous. I hope.

The Silence Is Deafening!

She glared at me. But her mouth didn't seem to want to work. Well, it did, in a funny twitchy sort of way. Then to my relief, she flung back her hair, tottered, and I mean tottered, the heels were very high!, and flounced out the door. J.D, a combination of the two, decided that was funny, and as I turned around to walk away, my head down, face flaming red, I could hear an echo floating through my mind.

'That was fuuunny! An' she aint all that!' hee hee

Slight Exaggeration, Well, I Hope!

Now, I know what you are thinking. Mad as a hatter!. I know, it does sound like it, doesn't it? But don't worry, I know it's just me. I haven't got a split personality or something like that, well I don't think so, I am a Gemini, so maybe I have. I think it is just that if I blame it on a person completely different to me, I can say, 'Well it wasn't me!' So don't worry, I am in complete control of my rapper, well most of the time!

No rappers were hurt in the making of this hub, well, not really. I mean I do yell at them sometimes, but then what's a girl to do?!

I am not that into Rap music, but believe me when I say, I love Eminem. He's not a Rapper he's a Poet with Attitude!

Why not check Eminem below? And Dizzee is cute and pretty talented too.

Eminem Not A Rapper, But A Poet With Attitude!


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