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Mortal Kombat Annihilation: Real(ish)-Time Responses
As a follow up to my Mortal Kombat hub, I decided to try doing the same thing with the sequel, Mortal Kombat; Annihilation. Now, as ridiculous as the first one is, it can scratch just the right itch. This second one benefits from the fact that the main characters are actually taking a journey, not just standing around, waiting for the next fight. However, that doesn't save it from the ridiculous effects and cardboard characters.
I have to wonder how this movie would have been if they had been able to keep director Paul W.S. Anderson. He's not a brilliant director, but he does seem to know how to make dumb and bad movies entertaining.
Again, with this kind of setup, you get more out of my responses if you've seen the movie. So if you decide you don't want to have to read the whole hub, I'll just say right now that my personal rating for this one is 4 / 10.
Mortal Kombat: Annihilation is rated PG-13 for plentiful martial arts action and a bit of sensuality.
Mortal Kommentary: Inanilation
0:00:04 - You know, this opening looks suspiciously familiar.
0:00:55 - Wait, wait, wait! Are we seriously doing a "Previously on..." for a movie? Do you honestly think that ANYONE is going to be watching this movie without having watched the first one? Even by accident? And you think this twenty-second summary is going to fill them in on all the important details of the first one? Namely ... that there was a first movie. There. That's all the important information about the first movie and I still have a good fifteen seconds left over.
0:01:10 - Oh no! The forces from Outland are invading! And they've started their attack by replacing all but two of the cast! Nooo! I was so fond of ... what's his name. You know. The guy that did that one thing.
0:02:45 - Hey! That's not the Highlander!
0:03:15 - "What closes can also open again?" I think the writers meant to say "We're just hoping the audience forgets everything that happened last time."
0:03:30 - Okay, so, if Sindel there is Kitana's mother, and Kitana is already 10,000 years old ... how freakin' old do you have to be to finally get that much gray hair? Holy COW she still looks great for her age.
0:04:20 - No fair! We went an entire movie with the Highlander and never saw him fight! So you replace him in this movie and suddenly Rayden is fighting within the first five minutes? I call shennanegans!
0:06:30 - You know, the effects to create the four-armed Sheeva and the devil centaur Motaro here aren't that bad. So why oh why does everything else have to suck so muchly? They can't even make a convincing lightning storm.
0:07:30 - Thanks for collapsing the entrance there for us, Rayden. What? Are we traveling through Moria now?
0:07:58 - Wait, you're saying that Kahn can simply choose to break the rules of Mortal Kombat and force the realms to merge anyway? Did no one see this coming? The guy's name is Kahn, for heaven sake. How many evil Kahns do you have to see before you get it? They're all evil. Genghis, Noonian, Souphanousinphone. They're all evil!
0:10:01 - Hold on, Rayden. I'm supposed to seek the counsel of Night Wolf? But, I won't find him, he'll find me? Then why should I seek him? Can't I just go out and do something productive and wait for this guy to find me there?
0:10:55 - Smoothe move there, Kitana, with that "hold onto me" line. What, have you not had a good old guy friend in like five thousand years or so?
0:11:27 - Um, what exactly are you looking at there, Kahn? Is there some kind of unwritten law that all evil guys must sit sideways in their own throne? Must be an Outworld thing.
0:12:05 - You got something against using the stairs there, Kahn? You know, I'm pretty sure that technology's been around long enough for even you to figure it out. Sure, your VCR probably still flashes 12:00 (Heck, you probably still even HAVE a VCR) but I'm certain you should be able to figure out stairs.
0:13:55 - No! Kitana and Liu were just about to kiss. Give them a break, Smoke. I mean, sure, they had hours inside that ball thingy—whatever that's supposed to be—standing face to face and uncomfortably close, but ... you know what, forget it. If they couldn't figure out what to do while standing inches apart for hours, they don't deserve to find love and I wouldn't care if they each die alone.
0:18:08 - Yeah, see? I wouldn't have assumed that an ice bridge would be a particularly stable place to fight.
0:19:30 - You know, I wouldn't have thought it possible, but the fight scenes here seem to make me care even less than in the fist one.
0:21:00 - Um, where are the doctors and scientists that run this kind of place? Are we supposed to assume that they all just punched out for the night and left Jax lying there alone on the table?
0:25:10 - Okay, more seriously here. I don't want to be one to focus too much on logic with this kind of movie, but even if your cybernetics enhanse your arms, punching a robot across the room or punching a hole into concrete would definitely knock you down without support throughout your body and legs. Okay. I'll try not to sully my experience with logic any more.
0:31:15 - "Animality" huh? I guess it's a better word than others that you could have chosen.
0:33:45 - Well that was definitely a whole lot of bizarreness.
0:34:17 - Why Nightwolf, I never knew you had such nice legs. And were a woman. This changes everything.
0:35:33 - "Your heart belongs to another, eh? That's okay. I'm mostly interested in ... other parts of you."
0:40:40 - I'm sorry, but these inter-personal arguments just sound too fake and forced. It's like we only take a break from the fight scenes long enough to show two people argue for no good reason then split up and fight. Lame excitement-less fighting to boot.
0:43:35 - Oh, so that's Rayden's plan. He's going to go get the Holy Grail. Rememer the penitent man, Rayden.
0:47:52 - "This is not about blame. Even if it is all your fault. We're together in this. No matter how much this is all your fault, Liu. Each of us must help and support the others, like a family. A family who blames you, Liu Kang, for losing the super hot 10,000 year old sister on whom this whole adventure depends. Because it's your fault, no matter how much you try not to deny it."
0:48:15 - Faith in myself is all I need, huh? Thanks there, Sphynx. Are we going to go sew ourselves some costumes and proclaim our faith in our teammates now, or are you going to give us some real advice, like maybe some secret weak spots on evil Mr. Ed?
0:50:08 - Um, what exactly are you grabbing down there, Mr. Kahn?
0:50:25 - Ah, it's nice to see that the Outworld floor fire union is still doing business. In this economy, you take what work is made available.
0:51:08 - I know this may not be the time to bring this up, but is there a reason that Night Wolf didn't come along with us? It's almost as if they put him into the movie just to tell Liu about Animalities and konk him out. But they wouldn't be that lazy with their writing, would they?
0:53:33 - You know, I'm reminded right here of the lobby scene from The Matrix. Man, I wish I were watching that instead.
0:54:09 - Yeah, here is one of the reasons why martial arts films are not as popular in America as straight-up action. There's definitely skill in being able to do these moves. But right here we have a good long sequence of moves where neither opponent is even trying to make contact with the other. They're not dodging the blows. Just making no attempt whatsoever beyond showing off for the camera. It's a far cry from the action of the Bourne movies where every single move is done with a purpose. The blow may not always land, but there is never any useless movement.
0:56:15 - Is it alright that the movie isn't even an hour long yet and I'm already quite ready for it to be over?
0:59:16 - Well, that was a pretty quick and unspectacular death for Sheeva. I'm sure it had absolutely nothing to do with how expensive it must be to film her four arms.
0:59:37 - You know, I don't care how hot Kitanna and Sindel are. Do you see how much Kitanna likes to run her fingers around her mother's face and body? Just a teeny bit super creepy.
1:01:38 - That's right. You will die for this, Jade. But first we're going to look over here and allow you to escape while we're distracted. That's how mad we are at you. We're so mad that we're going to just stand here and do nothing after threatening to kill you.
1:07:00 - You know, this is looking less like two worlds merging and more like they're simply stealing buildings from our world to populate their own. How exactly is this a "merging"?
1:10:20 - That's kind of a ridiculous line there. "I am proud to die a mortal, like you." Correct me if I'm wrong, but if he weren't mortal, wouldn't he be unable to die at all? That's like saying, "I'm proud to smell with a nose."
1:16:15 - Wow, transforming into a dragon looks completely cool and not at all lame and laugh-inducing.
1:16:40 - And the second time is even better than the first! Not at all stupid looking! Now, to be fair, CG modeling and animation was in its infancy at the time, but still...
1:17:32 - Aaaand the dragons are gone. You notice how quickly they realized that they wouldn't be able to do it right so they did it just long enough to give the audience a good belly-laugh, then back to the lame fighting.
1:18:30 - You know, if the fate of the universe is supposed to be decided in Mortal Kombat, is it okay if I ask to be transferred to a different universe? Maybe one where our fate is determined by a rigorous debate of opposing ethical philosophies? Or maybe a hot-dog eating contest? One that doesn't encourage the universe to be ruled by the person who hungers after power the most?
1:20:18 - So, Elder Gods are dispatched through origami, eh? Does that make origami a martial art?
1:22:12 - "I will never forget this moment, Liu. For as long as I live. Or for the next thousand years. You know. Which ever comes first. After that, I can't be expected to remember the name of every mortal man I hook up with."
"Wait, just how many have you ..."
"Shut up and don't ask."
1:22:50 - "You hear that, Kitana? Rayden says we're family now. So, does that make us Leia and Han, or Leia and Luke?"
"Weren't you paying attention when I kissed you?"
"Yeah, but that doesn't mean anything. Leia gave Luke quite the passionate kiss and later admitted that she'd always known he was her brother ... so ..."