Movie Review: "Obsessed" (2009)

DISCLAIMER: This review may contain spoilers.

"Obsessed" is a Beyonce Knowles vehicle and a poor remix of "Fatal Attraction" all rolled into one. This could make for the Best Travesty Award of 2009. Derek Charles (Idris Elba) and his wife Sharon (Beyonce Knowles) are living the comfy marriage life with the big house and the big job. That is until a new temp girl named Lisa (Ali Larter) strolls into his workplace and begins 'obsessing' over Derek.

This movie lacks the suspense, thrills, and intellect of "Fatal Attraction" and instead plays everything safe and by-the-numbers. It's as predictable as a crystal clear glass of water.

The first question that comes to mind when watching "Obsessed" is... Why is Lisa obsessed with Derek? It's never explained. It's as if she's just obsessed because the plot needs her to be that way. Why is this girl so fascinated with him?

How about this instead: Derek should be married to Lisa and Sharon should be the stalker. Now THAT would give Sharon some motivation behind her actions. Come on, Hollywood, was this one really hard to figure out?

Beyonce fans, leave now because I'm about to piss you off.

I said it before in my review for "The Pink Panther" (2006) and I'll say it again... Beyonce's acting still sucks! I will give her props for one thing, however, and that's because she didn't choose a role that involved her playing a singer of some sort this time around. But that doesn't change the fact that Beyonce has been avoiding roles that don't allow her to look "powerful", be it a popular singer ("Austin Powers in Goldmember", "Dreamgirls", "Cadillac Records", and "The Pink Panther") or an expensive housewife who lives in a mansion ("Obsessed").

Those of you who disagree with me can try to convince me all you want about how she is a great actress and should have won an award for "Dreamgirls", but the truth is that her father obviously bankrolled this film in yet another failed attempt to portray his daughter as a serious actress. If Beyonce Knowles wasn't already a rich girl and was just some hot sales associate working at Saks & Fifth Avenue, she wouldn't have even passed the audition for this movie.

It's all about power, folks. And this conceited R&B/pop star has a lot of it, unfortunately.

Speaking of Beyonce and power, how about this... Instead of shutting down an entire floor of a New York City hospital just so she can have her stupid baby, let's take every movie out of the theaters whenever Beyonce releases a new movie. That way she can dominate the box office, week after week, because she's "important", right?

For a "Fatal Attraction" clone, "Obsessed" comes with a very by-the-numbers script. Everything is written to be ineffectively simple and plot convenient. There are cliches everywhere in this movie.

• Beyonce turning into the 'angry black woman'. How ironic, considering her character is supposed to be so 'upper class', instead she starts talking and acting like a ghetto tramp.
• Beyonce's character throws Derek out of the house and she doesn't even have a job? Is this movie a hallucination? How PC. This must be a plot hole from an earlier draft, you know, one which has Sharon "working" as a nightclub singer. Ha. Ha. Ha.
• Derek is basically one of those pseudo-thug types working in the corporate world, albeit with a dressing of sophistication here and there. Sad, Idris Elba wasn't given much to work with here, at least Beyonce had an excuse with her crappy acting abilities.
• The scene where Derek and Lisa are instant-messaging each other at work. 'Tempgirl' and 'Derek01'? Wow, how simple... and convenient. Usually, people throw a bit of their background, personality, or interests into the mix when conjuring up a screen name but this right here is a darn good example of the screenwriter talking and not the goddamn characters.

Actually, the whole core set-up of the film is cliched and convenient. Boss doesn't like stalker girl, stalker girl is unable to figure this out despite the many obvious attempts, suspicious wife doesn't trust big shot loyal husband, and to top it all off, we have a female detective who sides with stalker girl without researching the evidence.

What I'm about to say may offend some people reading this but I just have to ask... What is so hot about Lisa? If Derek's wife is played by a hot (FYI, looks has nothing to do with acting skills) singer, then the woman who is obsessed with him better be equally as hot or hotter. Next to Derek's wife, Lisa is nothing but a typical toothpick in a skirt with no booty.

To be fair, I never understood what was so "sexy" about Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction". I mean Michael Douglas' character slept with that!? And I can't even remember how his wife in that film looks.

Now if "Obsessed" were a 100% 'white' movie with a toothpick wife and a toothpick home wrecker, then this issue would be a bit more forgivable. It would still be stupid because many men nowadays will find it hard to grasp what is so sexy about 'no-butts', but still.

So once we get to the big finale, there's a girl fight between Sharon and Lisa where Sharon starts spouting off cliched angry black woman lines. Since Sharon is played by Beyonce, she ends up winning the fight and killing Lisa. And they all live happily ever after.

Considering that this movie is filled with enough cliches as it is, why not have an ending that is more unconventional for a change? Come to find out, Sharon was in cahoots with Lisa the entire time and was testing Derek. After unveiling the curtain to him, Sharon and Lisa invite a confused Derek to join them in a chocolate oreo threesome.

"Cruel Intentions 2", anyone?

All right, I'll admit, maybe it's a bit sexist if you will, but come on, you know that's a better ending than what we got instead! I mean just before Lisa is about to die, Sharon has a spontaneous change of heart and wants to help her for no damn reason!?

Screw that twisted logic, give me the threesome ending instead.

Prophylactics? After Sharon finds out about Lisa stalking Derek, she begins telling him to start packing his items so he can leave, including his "prophylactics". The line goes something like this:

"Well, first I think you should pack your toothbrush, your socks, your prophylactics if you think you'll need them!"

When you first hear this line, a big question mark just appears out of nowhere. Huh!? What is a prophylactic? Well, according to the dictionary, it's an item that has to do with medicinal preparation to prevent the spread of disease or infection, or in the case of this movie, condoms.

So why not just say condoms, Beyonce? Something tells me this was Beyonce's idea. She must have decided it sounded more fancy and would make her stand out more as an actress, getting to use such "big" words. You're a conceited rich housewife, not a computerized dictionary, speak english!