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Oh Goody, It's Frickin' Christmas Time Again

Updated on October 4, 2011

 

Oh goody, it's frickin' Christmas again. That's fantastic. So I get to climb up to where the goddamn spiders are and drag out the forty-six giant plastic chests from the attic again. Once the coughing fit stops from all the dust and I pick all the fiberglass insulation off of myself (no, those little splinters don't itch for more than a day or so, so don't worry about it, it's all good. I'm fine.) then I can start decorating for this fantastic holiday. Oh yeah!

 

So first, I get to pull out the ladder, the big one for the roof, not that little creaky wooden pull-down thing I had to perch on like an f-ing mountain goat to get that crap out of the attic, I mean the big ladder. The one that bows in the middle and wobbles like a 7.5 on the Richter scale when my fat, beer-swilling ass climbs up on it. Yeah, that one. So I get to climb up there and hang the frickin' lights all around the house so that everyone in the neighborhood knows I'm not a Christmas Nazi and can all feel my bubbling holiday joy no matter how high my utilities bill will be. My kids, all teens, don't even go out and look anymore, and if I make them -- essentially drag them out there by their hair and say, "Look at the pretty lights you little bastards, I'm doing this for you," -- they just go, "Yeah, that's great dad," and go back inside

This will NOT be my house (even though I love this song).

This thing has no idea what's coming.
This thing has no idea what's coming.

 

So then comes the trip to the tree farm. Yes, tree farm, because apparently buying a tree from the Boy Scouts lot or the Church of Whoever on some corner STILL isn't good enough. So, with gas at $74 bucks a gallon, we take our big old Chevy up into the friggin' deep Sierras to waylay some poor pine tree that was just sitting there minding its own business all year. Sayonara, Doug the Fir, hope you didn't have plans for New Year's.

Just watch the first 1:35 of this (unless you really want to share my experience, then stay with this poor bastard, pretty fun when he goes two handed around 6

Then, after being stabbed and beaten by its poison tipped needles getting it on and off the truck (not to mention how long it takes to get that goddamn chainsaw started every year, being as how cutting down this frickin' tree is the only time I use a chainsaw at all, ever... although, my wife sniping last year about how I scratched the paint on her truck loading up the tree did give me an idea for another use for my chainsaw this year if she starts that crap again...) I then get the tree inside the house so the kiddies (I did mention they're all teenagers now, right? And you realize that teenagers hate everything and that everything sucks outside the world of their friends, music and video games. You realize that right? Because they do.). So I get it inside so the kiddies can joyously tell me in the spirit of the holidays that "This sucks" or "I have homework" (the first time they admit that all year mind you) and disappear, leaving me and my wife to finish decorating the tree by ourselves. WTF? Whose f-ing holiday is this anyway? Someone told me this crap is for the kids.

Don't you think it's conspicuous that we can do this...

But not this???

So, once the tree decorations are all up, and after we've moved all the furniture away from the walls and pulled the chairs out from under the formal table so that we can sweep up all the glass from the two ornaments that fell and broke sending shards flying everywhere, I get to open up the bags where the tree lights are, and discover, yet again, that apparently while man can send robot landers to Mars, which is more than 200 million miles away, and keep them running for more than 5 years, he is NOT capable of making a strand of Christmas tree lights that can work for two consecutive holidays.

Now, because I am "the man" it is my duty to go back to F-ing Home Depot and buy yet another batch of Christmas lights from those bastards, and even as I hand them my money, again, I know full well that I will be back again next year. I even have the thought that I should buy enough for next year just so I can spare myself this trip in the future, but I also know that the evil sons of bitches who make the lights put the self-destruct timers in the lights to go off regardless of whether they are purchased or not - they know some people will try my idea, and they plan ahead (this kind of preparation is how they maintain their status as "evil sons of bitches" to begin with, a distinction of which they are clearly proud.)

 

So, once working lights are finally on the tree, and after I receive several more doses of poison-tipped pine-needle stabs into my forearm skin, the task is done. (Notice I don't even include mention of how my wife will stand there with her hands-on-hips and critique my ability to position the goddamn star straight on the top of the tree, even though that tip portion the treetop isn't straight and hasn't been straight on any pine tree in the last nine million years, making it physically impossible to have a "straight" star, and completely outside the fact that she insists on buying the biggest fanciest electronic motorized "star" dolls with lights and everything else and that weigh 600 pounds and would bend a steel girder much less a quarter inch thick stretch of pine tree tip. Yeah, notice I didn't even mention that? I'm trying to keep this on a pleasant note).

 

So yeah, lights are up. Let's go shopping.

Let's be honest, shall we: this chick will not be at the mall.
Let's be honest, shall we: this chick will not be at the mall.

Ok, I already wrote the mall shopping hub, so I won't go into all of that. Suffice it to say, that the only good thing about going to the mall is looking at cleavage, and let's be honest, Christmas time is not notorious for producing the best weather for clothing conducive to cleavage gazing. So what's at the mall for me? Well, beyond an enormous, Christmas snow covered mountain of money being spent on gifts for people who will go, "Oh, how nice," with that wrinkly face of "Oh look, another box of See's mystery candy" or "Ooooo, candles," there's pretty much nothing.

I mean, I'd say something nice about eggnog, being the fan of booze that I am, but who the hell actually drinks spiked eggnog? Can someone please tell the Christmas Clichés department to stop pimping that idea? I think the last people who actually did that were wearing bear skins and can still be found preserved in ice somewhere.

Last known person to actually drink spiked eggnog at Christmas.
Last known person to actually drink spiked eggnog at Christmas.

The only fun part of Christmas for me is buying jewelry for my wife, and maybe lingerie. I already know she won't wear the lingerie, but every few years I take another stab, thinking, you know, maybe the leopard spots will do what the latex and spikes couldn't. I usually end up spending three times more on her than I should (and probably than we do for everyone else combined) to which she says, "Oh, these are pretty," while giving me this look like, "We should have spent this money on the kids."

If I had a dog, I would give him a Christmas kick at that point, which is probably why we don't have one, and is a good thing.

I don't know the words to any Christmas songs, and if I have to hear Bing Crosby sing "White Christmas" one more time, I'm going to buy a dog just so I can kick it.

Other than that, Christmas is great and I hope everyone has an awesome one. Merry Christmas and all that other festive crap.

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    • Shadesbreath profile image
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      Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California

      Hey Chris. Yeah, I saw this one got some comments and was like, Well, Christmas Google search randomness. Now I know it's Stan Fletcher randomness instead. :) I suppose I shall have to go see what he is up to.

      Gr82beyou, hi and thanks for reading. And yeah, I imagine there's no way I'm alone in this stuff.

    • gr82bme profile image

      gr82bme 6 years ago from USA

      Stan brought me here too. So funny. Do you know how many people feel that way?

    • ChrisLincoln profile image

      ChrisLincoln 6 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California

      Shadesbreath,

      Two years old and still works - unlike the lights. Came here after Stan blamed you for the evil in his hub. Isn't this just the most blessed of times...

      At least you didn't have to clean the bleeping house first...

      Chris

    • abcd1111 profile image

      abcd1111 7 years ago from Glen Ellyn, IL (Chicago suburb)

      This hub was a new read to me and I definitely laughed enough for my husband to ask, "What are you reading?"

      Thank you and Happy New Year!

    • mistyhorizon2003 profile image

      Cindy Lawson 8 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

      Hi again Shades, if you have a few minutes spare can you possibly pop over to Spryte's hub :

      https://letterpile.com/memoirs/Maginels-Mother---M...

      as some TROLL has been giving her a bit of a hard time, and I know how good our gang used to be at sorting out these kinds of people.

      Thanks :)

    • mistyhorizon2003 profile image

      Cindy Lawson 8 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

      I had forgotten about this hub Shades, but reading it again made me laugh out loud. It was like reading it for the first time again :)

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California

      Yeah, there's some great moments like that lost to time, Birdzilla. Least you can still watch the replay in your memory.

    • profile image

      Birdzilla 8 years ago

      We onetime had a cat that climbed our christmas tree too funny its too bad they didn't have camcorders back then it would have been funny on AMERICAS FUNNISTS HOME VIDEOS

    • profile image

      salmon 9 years ago

      AHEM to the teenager thing. I believe that some teens are capable of realizing the small delights of even having lights up on their house that their parents grudgingly do every year whether it's appreciated or not AND some have better things to do outside of their video games and music, unlike the clichéd stereotype of teenagers, and would actually prefer to be with family. *HINT HINT*

    • VioletSun profile image

      VioletSun 9 years ago from Oregon/ Name: Marie

      I found out about this hub in the weekly's hubpages newsletter where Jerilee Wei mentioned your hub. This hub had me laughing; I can sympathize with the guys, but will try not to mention the article to my mate until after Christmas because he also does all the work of selecting the tree, and carrying it from the tree farm, etc., hehe.

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 9 years ago from California

      See, that's a Christmas tradition I could get into. We attach sentimental value to the ornaments, but I always feel so bad chopping up the tree every year. It's like, "Well, thanks for dying for our merriment, have fun rotting away or being ground up into much now." (I am a horrible anthropomorphizer, lol).

    • sunforged profile image

      sunforged 9 years ago from Sunforged.com

      It grows inside all year, Ill take a photo of it and post a link sometime, because it grows inside, it does not get very big, its approx 5.5 foot, if you add the big pot its in, it stands around 7 ft high -so its not the most magnificent tree, but its been a constant addition for 3 years now.

      I think it helps clean the air too

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 9 years ago from California

      Dude, I've always thought that was a doable plan. I would LOVE to not kill one every year. I'm not really a "tree hugger" but, I mean, I'm also not someone who thinks we need to just kill everything we see every time we have in impulse, you know? So does it really grow inside ok, or do you grow it outside and roll it in for Christmas? And how do you keep it from getting TOO big?

    • sunforged profile image

      sunforged 9 years ago from Sunforged.com

      Since I cant compete in the humor department on this one, I wont try.

      But, i am highly amused, a story right up there with " a christmas story " or "national lampoons" ... I avoid all this drama by keeping a live potted pine in my house ( i am literally a tree hugger) year round and throwing a couple bulbs on it around christmas to appease the girlfriend and telling everybody else I converted to the Jehovah Witnesses.

      which seems to work well

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 9 years ago from California

      I hear ya, Bruce.  Just weather the season, it passes. Either that, or watch a bunch of the old school Christmas movies and try to find the spirit for a week or so.  The right dose of "Miracle on 34th St.," "A Christmas Story," the old black and white verson of "A Christmas Carol," and maybe "It's a Wonderful Life" are usually enough to get it done.  The new stuff like "Elf" and "The Santa Clause" franchise don't quite do it for me.  Funny, sure, but not the same. (My wife likes the Muppets version of a Christmas Carol, so, while I won't include it on MY list, I will at least include it parenthetically.)

    • Bruce Elkin profile image

      Bruce Elkin 9 years ago from Victoria, BC Canada

      I loved the story about your kids coming home and finding the stuffed stockings. Too cool!

      But, that's not to say I like frickin christmas time!

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 9 years ago from California

      Hah, yah, it's amazing what a pile of presents will do to enhanc the appeal of just about anything, eh?

    • G-Ma Johnson profile image

      Merle Ann Johnson 9 years ago from NW in the land of the Free

      Ha ha LOL :O) I wish you could have seen the 2nd tree we ever had.  I painted a branch from a bush GOLD stuck it in a pot with clay to hold it up and hung ornaments on it.  The 3 kids loved it...but probably cause of all the gifts on the table and and on the floor..Hee hee  such memories...and you will always have good ones...Thanks for a wonderful hub...G-Ma :o) hugs

    • spryte profile image

      spryte 9 years ago from Arizona, USA

      LOL Shade...how positively sneaky!! I love it.

      I have no memory of when I realized that it was my mother who was Santa Claus. I don't think I actually bought the whole Santa thing anyway. We never had a chimney and I couldn't swallow the idea of him having a key to open the entire roof. Wouldn't I have felt a draft? I guess I always knew in my heart that the only person in the world that ever really knew just what I wanted for Christmas every year had to be Mom...

    • ajcor profile image

      ajcor 9 years ago from NSW. Australia

      when my boys were young I always said that if they didn't believe in Fr. Christmas he wouldn't come so naturally they believed in him for as long as was humanly possible on both sides. And when it came to their gifts they were so well travelled (the gifts that is!) as they went with me to and from work each day in the car boot .Went on for months. I remember how my brothers and I always ransacked the house when my mother was out so I was up to them - I think....

    • Shadesbreath profile image
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      Shadesbreath 9 years ago from California

      lol yep, we do. /cheers to that

    • KDorfman profile image

      KDorfman 9 years ago from Pacific Northwest

      Yes! Christmas Sucks! At least we get New Years to drink unitl we forget about how awful the year has been from the middle of Nevember until then.

    • mistyhorizon2003 profile image

      Cindy Lawson 9 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

      What great stories, all really sweet and funny at the same time :)

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 9 years ago from California

      Our oldest was 10 or 11 I think and totally did not believe in Santa Claus, and had been working very hard on his 8 year old brother and 7 year old sister to convince them that there was in fact no such thing. They were reasonably convinced by his arguments.

      We went to my in-laws that year, a three hour drive south of us, and as we left, the kids asked what about the stockings hanging by the fireplace, since we usually are home on Christmas day. I nonchallantly told them don't worry about it, Santa comes in through the chimney, he doesn't care if we're home or not.

      My oldest started in on how this was crap etc. and it went on the whole time we were down there.

      Well, imagine their surprise when we got home a few days after Christmas and come in the house and there are all the stockings, stuffed with toys and candy, just waiting for them, even for my oldest one. (Yeah, see, kids don't think about stuff like in-town relatives and extra keys, much less the devious nature of parents.)

      So, without any thought for the possiblity of my cousin having come and done it, even my oldest was shocked and thrown off his cynical game for an entire year after that and had to admit that perhaps he'd been wrong after all. LOL.

    • Eric Graudins profile image

      Eric Graudins 9 years ago from Australia

      LOL Spryte,

      I can imagine you twisting your dad right around your little finger from a very young age :-)

      And it also highlights the hoops that parents will jump through to create surprises for their kids - which sometimes backfire spectacularly.

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 9 years ago from California

      ROFL, great story. Sounds like your father's daughter was destined to grow up to be a perfectly normal and impossible woman one day.

    • spryte profile image

      spryte 9 years ago from Arizona, USA

      You knocked loose a memory with that statement...

      One year, my father went out and bought a beautiful little tree. But before he had a chance to present it to the family, his youngest daughter said that she would really love it if they could find a Christmas tree right on their own property. It helped that they lived in the woods and had acres of trees at their disposal. Well, my father waited until his youngest daughter was asleep and he took that little tree out into the woods, dug a hole and planted the sucker. That night it snowed...so it covered up his deed rather well.

      The next morning, he took his daughter by the hand and they went walking into the woods to find the perfect tree. She spotted the little tree and said it was the most perfect tree in the world. My father told her she had great taste...and that he would go back to the house, get his saw and proceed to bring the tree home for his daughter to decorate.

      "Oh no, Daddy!" she replied. It's too beautiful to cut down. Can't we just go and buy one?

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 9 years ago from California

      Yeah, Eric, the smell is a ton of it. And you know, I'd be fine with it if we could just buy one from Lions club, or a church or whatever. Just, one that's already down and in town. LOL. I don't want to "make a day of it" anymore. I need a few years off, and we can do it again when we have grand kids who will love it as much as ours kids did when they were young enough.

    • Eric Graudins profile image

      Eric Graudins 9 years ago from Australia

      I guess I'm in the minority here.

      We still have a real Christmas tree - a small pine tree about 8 feet tall, usually purchased from a public service group like the Lions club.

      We decorate it with tinsel, lametta, assorted trimmings, some flashing lights , and  real candles.

      I guess that the smell of the tree, candle wax, the odd burnt pine needles recaptures the magical times of Christmas when I was a kid. 

      Cheers,

      Eric G.

    • mistyhorizon2003 profile image

      Cindy Lawson 9 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

      Thanks Shirley, what a nice thing to say, I am better of without him believe me :)

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 9 years ago from California

      Yeah, I hate going to banquets and crap for the most part too. Although, I guess the upside is free food. Never know though, sometimes those things turn out to be way more fun that you expect. Hopefully they'll have an open bar at least, eh?

      lol

      As for my motivation issues, shortly after I posted, my wife talked me into watching that movie Mongol... lol. So i found something to do. Heh. It was ok I guess. I tend not to like Subtitle movies. Basically, Pans Labarynth, Apocalypto and... well, those two are the only good ones I can think of. Hey... that's probably a good hub request, eh? lol. Guess I'll go make it, since I'm bored again.

    • gwendymom profile image

      gwendymom 9 years ago from Oklahoma

      Shades, I am also unmotivated, just kind of a blah day. I only have one kid today to care for and I don't have him for very long, so it should be a good day. I have to go to a banquet with my husband tonight, so not looking forward to it. That is probably why I am blah.

      How is your day, besides the lack of motivation?

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 9 years ago from California

      Hi, Gwendy. Yeah, I haven't been around much last week or so, and when I do, I do seem to manage to miss you by an hour everywhere. I'm doin' just fine today, totally unmotivated to write anything, and totally unmotivated to read. So, here I am doing a little of neither. :)

      How is your day shaping up?

    • gwendymom profile image

      gwendymom 9 years ago from Oklahoma

      Hi Shades, I was just popping in to see how everyone was and saw that you had posted recently. I just wanted to say Hi, I haven't been able to say that to you in awhile, we keep missing each other. So anyway Hi and how are you doing today?

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 9 years ago from California

      I bought an industrial tree stand. It would take a mountain lion to knock our tree over.

    • Shirley Anderson profile image

      Shirley Anderson 9 years ago from Ontario, Canada

      Our trees used to fall over because the cats would climb to the top of them.  You could watch it happen in slow motion.  It never occured when you were close to it, of course.  We'd always be in the next room or something.  All we could do is yell, "timber!" and clean up the mess.  We started tieing the tree to the wall.  Then we bought an artifical tree.  Now, I don't have any cats.  Took care of the whole problem.

      Misty, that slime bag didn't deserve you, anyway!

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 9 years ago from California

      lol Stephhicks, you'll have to work on your hands on hips tree straightening techniques and harangue him properly to get that thing upright.

    • stephhicks68 profile image

      Stephanie Hicks 9 years ago from Bend, Oregon

      My favorite part of Christmas is when the tree falls down! Yes, that has occurred at least 3 of the 13 years I have been married. I am certain that its because I didn't help my husband get the tree perfectly straight in the tree stand, so who am I to complain? After all, I did get a new coffee table the first time, right? Oh, yes - happy holidays to us all!

    • mistyhorizon2003 profile image

      Cindy Lawson 9 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

      LOL, that's about right I would say :)

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 9 years ago from California

      The French have a term for that kind of guy: Le douche bagge

    • mistyhorizon2003 profile image

      Cindy Lawson 9 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

      Definitely, especially as he was the one who arranged to get married to his ex whilst he was still engaged to me. I only found out 6 weeks before the wedding, and not because he told me either!!!

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 9 years ago from California

      PRobably a good call on the dumping thing. lol

    • mistyhorizon2003 profile image

      Cindy Lawson 9 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

      Those slippers were what I call 'neck breakers' especially if you lived in a house with stairs. They were way too bulky and also only probably cost him a tenner. The hairdryer was a cheap and nasty one, probably not costing even that much. My guess is they were last minute presents and he just bought the first things he saw. What added insult to injury was that he had left me on my own all day, and when he finally turned up it was technically Boxing Day. Thank God he is my ex, now long gone after I finally dumped him :)

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 9 years ago from California

      Yeah, no danger of that, Bruce. heh.

      Misty, what's wrong with dog slippers? I would consider that fair game if they were cute or funny. The hair dryer... maybe not so much (unless you'd asked for it).

    • mistyhorizon2003 profile image

      Cindy Lawson 9 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

      Hilarious, I thought the ex who turned up at midnight on Christmas day, and bought me a hairdryer and a pair of slippers shaped like dogs, was bad, but this takes the biscuit !! :)

    • Bruce Elkin profile image

      Bruce Elkin 9 years ago from Victoria, BC Canada

      Sweet satire, or as they'd say in Britain, "taking the p-iss out of Christmas." It's good to do this so we don't take the season tooooo seriously. No chance in your house, eh?

      Best!

    • Shirley Anderson profile image

      Shirley Anderson 9 years ago from Ontario, Canada

      Thx. In hindsight, it's funny. I didn't laugh a lot about at the time, though he thought it was hilarious, as did my sister.

    • Christoph Reilly profile image

      Christoph Reilly 9 years ago from St. Louis

      Shirley: Well, it would have been the staff that was wearing the speedos. But anyway, that is a crazy story. You hear about that sort of thing, but it's usually exaggerated for comic effect. It seems so beyond reality that I cannot imagine how you were able to handle it. Sounds like you have though, and are better off now. I hope you are bathed in jewels and gold this year! That's more fitting to your personality.

    • Shirley Anderson profile image

      Shirley Anderson 9 years ago from Ontario, Canada

      By the way, a trip to the Speedo Spa wouldn't have been punishment for him. He enjoyed the Speedo and wanted a thong for his sunbathing. Ewwwww.

      Wonder if he'll ever read this stuff.

    • Shirley Anderson profile image

      Shirley Anderson 9 years ago from Ontario, Canada

      Well, Spryte, the first year (the year of the shop vac) I was too stunned to say anything at all. I think I just stared at it for a long time. Each passing year and present shocked me a little less, in fact every Christmas morning I would get calls from friends and family just to ask me what I got. They would be laughing before I even told them. Guess I supplied their Xmas giggles for a few years. I don't recall 'thank-you' being bandied about, though.

      Actually Christoph, that is exactly what I had decided to do, but by the time I came to it, he had found himself a girlfriend. I figured she could do it. On a bright note, he did give me a parting birthday gift - a dutch oven. I wonder what he buys her.

    • Christoph Reilly profile image

      Christoph Reilly 9 years ago from St. Louis

      Shirley: You should have started giving him stuff like trips to the day spa, gift certificates to the salon, and that special weekend for one at the Speedo Spa. Of course, you could always slip in some Tiffany's here and there (but he might try to sell it.)

    • spryte profile image

      spryte 9 years ago from Arizona, USA

      Omg...

      How on earth did you manage to keep a straight face after unwrapping something like that? Never mind...did you actually say "Thank you! I always wanted one of these!" or did you find a more inventive method of expressing your gratitude?

    • Shirley Anderson profile image

      Shirley Anderson 9 years ago from Ontario, Canada

      It's okay, Shades.....I put holes in his condoms.

      Spryte - A potatoe fork for digging up potatoes in the garden. It's a little bigger than the table variety, and oh so much more special.

    • spryte profile image

      spryte 9 years ago from Arizona, USA

      A potato fork? I never realized there was a fork specifically designated for a potato... :)

      I hope you didn't let that little gem go with him.

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 9 years ago from California

      Ah. Would have been fun to destroy a weed eater first though.

    • Shirley Anderson profile image

      Shirley Anderson 9 years ago from Ontario, Canada

      His wagon is fixed, he's remarried now and I am happy. It all worked out.

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 9 years ago from California

      Ajcor, I'll worry about my carbon footprint they day they repeal that enviro-fascist wood burning fireplace law in my area. Until then, methane abounds in the universe!

      And Shirley, I suggest you fight fire with fire. Buy him stuff for your hobbies and interests. Or, better yet, look happy with your gift, take your weed and pour water in it the tank and when he has a cow, say, "What? It's mine. I just wanted to see if this would work." That will fix his wagon.

    • Shirley Anderson profile image

      Shirley Anderson 9 years ago from Ontario, Canada

      Shadesbreath says: Screw dreaming of a "white Christmas," I'm dreaming of a tan one with bikini tops and short shorts.

      I'm sure you'd look very good in bikini tops and short shorts. Make sure the material is festive and you're good to go.

      A Christmas Story is my favourite Christmas movie, I just love it. The whole time I was reading this, I was thinking of the movie, Christmas Vacation, which is my second favourite Yuletide motion picture. Chevy Chase's character's got nothin' on you here.

      My ex-husband actually did buy me a vacuum one year. It was a nice wet/dry shop vac with detachable leaf blower. I don't think I've forgiven him for that yet. Another year, I got a 200 lb. gas powered weed eater - I couldn't lift it, never mind use. Over the years, he just gave me the best gifts! Aluminum ladder, potatoe fork, tools. Funny thing is that when we split up, he took all my Xmas presents with him! Evil man.

      Great writing, Shades, and so, so funny!!

    • ajcor profile image

      ajcor 9 years ago from NSW. Australia

      and Shadesbreath what is more you could actually drink your own Christmas spirit? also you may be able not save on gas as your own Christmas emissions may become a little musical - now this could actually add to your carbon footprint!

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 9 years ago from California

      Yeah, well, you'll recall, it's not actually my idea. If it were up to me, I'd get a green dry-erase pen and draw Christmas trees on my beer cans or bottle labels. Saves a tree, saves gas, saves time, embodies the festive spirit and makes me happy.

    • countrywomen profile image

      countrywomen 9 years ago from Washington, USA

      But it still might save you all the trouble. Why trouble till trouble troubles us?...hehe

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 9 years ago from California

      Actually, I think the tree farms replace themselves pretty well. Smart-logging is not the problem with our footprint. It's other stupid stuff that gets us.

    • countrywomen profile image

      countrywomen 9 years ago from Washington, USA

      I saw in the store a ready made artificial tree with the lights/star all assembled just needs to be plugged in (I surely hope it will last more than one christmas). Isn't that reducing the carbon foot prints by helping to stop cutting those trees and also saving us the trouble of assembling the lights/star....LOL

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      Cindy Lawson 9 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

      Groan, great puns ! :)

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      spryte 9 years ago from Arizona, USA

      *snorts laughing* Chakra Khan...heheheh I love it.

      Actually, I've used things like "Keebler Khan" when I find him in the cupboards. He likes to lurk behind the tupperware.

      And thank you Shades...we felt a cool kitty deserved a cool name.

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      Shadesbreath 9 years ago from California

      Well, I still have the chainsaw option if I don't, so I'm covered either way.

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      free ps3 9 years ago

      Brilliant hub. Hopefully you will get lucky with the wife this year ;)!

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      Christoph Reilly 9 years ago from St. Louis

      And when the cat chants do you call it....here it comes....Chakra Kahn?

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      Shadesbreath 9 years ago from California

      I'M HAPPY FOR YOU MONKEY!

      Yeah, Spryte, I figured it was pretty much inevitable that the phrase would come up. That's an awesome name for a cat.

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      spryte 9 years ago from Arizona, USA

      LOL Shade - Actually we use that term a lot, especially after he rubs sinuously around my husband's legs and latches on with his teeth.

      MM - Hubby took over feeding detail because I don't seem to need the brownie points to buy the cats' affections. He does. I've never seen a porky Siamese either (until Khan)...but he's definitely a boy, or else the neutering might not have gone so well.

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      TravelMonkey 9 years ago from United Kingdom

      I LOVE CHRISTMAS

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      Shadesbreath 9 years ago from California

      So when that porky cat eats too much meaty wet cat food and then drops a steamer so rank it makes your eyes water, do you call that the... (wait for it)... Wrath of Khan?

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      Susan Reid 9 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA

      Never heard of a porky Siamese cat. Aren't they normally on the svelte side? Too funny. Like the idea of your husband being on the feeding detail. In our house, dealing with what goes into and comes out of the cats is my domain.

      Any possibility Khan is not a he and it actually eating for 7?

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      Cindy Lawson 9 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

      :) :)

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      spryte 9 years ago from Arizona, USA

      Khan can be a bit of a terror...but honestly, he's one rather porky Siamese cat and all of his energy is usually expended only when food is involved.  He likes to nip my husband's ankles when he's late with the 6 p.m. feeding time.  We've cut back on the amount of food...4 grown cats now share ONE small can of cat food instead of TWO (the fifth cat cannot stand wet food...no idea why)...but Khan still looks like he has swallowed a basketball.

      He's still young though...perhaps the basketball belly will redistribute itself...I don't know.  All of the other cats are normal sized.

      And :P Misty...

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      Susan Reid 9 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA

      Wow, Spryte. That's way more of an explanation than I expected. Fire watching does seem to go better after Mexican food, dontcha think? Definitely not the kind of neighborhood entertainment that calls for burgers & fries or mooshi pork.

      Glad you found your kitty. Are you sure he wasn't involved in setting the blaze and thus the shaking you witnessed was guilt and not fear?

    • mistyhorizon2003 profile image

      Cindy Lawson 9 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

      I have one for you,

      How to save money, don't let your house set on fire!'

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      spryte 9 years ago from Arizona, USA

      I'm trying to think of a hub for this week's hubmob. *grimace*

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      Cindy Lawson 9 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

      LOL Spryte, just read your last comment, now I am glad his house burnt down so long as no animals were hurt in the blaze.

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      Cindy Lawson 9 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

      Sorry about your neighbours Spryte, very unfortunate for them, and I am glad it wasn't your house and you are safe.

      Nothing frightening about lingerie unless Christoph is wearing it :)

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      spryte 9 years ago from Arizona, USA

      Actually I did walk a few blocks to my house...but then I ended up joining the crowd (including my husband) as we watched the whole situation unfold...and then he was hungry and since he had his heart set on Mexican food, we walked back to my car and had dinner.  By the time we got back, the street still wasn't open, but we did get a closer spot.  Then...we couldn't find a cat which was unusual since he never misses meal time (he's a porky little bastage)...so we then searched the house, worried that he had somehow gotten loose while we weren't looking (all cats are indoor cats unless supervised by a human) and finally found him buried beneath the laundry where he was shaking in fear.  We did adopt him from a shelter...so we're wondering if all the firetruck noise, smoke smell and sirens brought back unpleasant memories.

      So...as you can see...the computer wasn't my first priority.  LOL!

      Oh...btw...feel free to LOL at the fire.  The home belonged to somebody my hsuband refers to as FAT DENNIS...who is the local HOA nazi and we're convinced Karma just came around and bit him in the butt for turning in one too many of his neighbors for having a weed in their front yard.

      But seriously...I feel bad for him and I'm glad nobody was injured.

    • mistyhorizon2003 profile image

      Cindy Lawson 9 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

      I definitely missed that MM, and he has vanished again now, so no idea if I will be lucky enough to enjoy this vision of loveliness before bed now !!

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      Susan Reid 9 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA

      I guess LOL isn't an appropriate response to your neighbor's misfortune, Spryte. Why is it that housefires seem even more tragic when they occur during the holiday season (and since it's now November, it's holiday season)

      But (confused again) why did the firetrucks, etc. keep you from getting to your computer? Couldn't you walk through the blockade and leave your vehicle to get later?

      You almost missed seeing Christoph (aka Pedro) in his lingerie!!

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      spryte 9 years ago from Arizona, USA

      What's so frightening about lingerie...I'm confused, now.

      Woulda been here earlier, but the house 2 doors down in our cul de sac was on fire and they blocked off the entire area with six firetrucks and assorted smaller vehicles. The house is toast...so to speak. :(

    • Mighty Mom profile image

      Susan Reid 9 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA

      Speedos and fishnets -- go together like tequila and lime.

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      Cindy Lawson 9 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

      LOL, now there's a vision, Christoph hurtling down the high street chasing after Pam brandishing a set of lingerie, but OMG, it is so much better than the vision of him chasing her down the street wearing it, conjures up images straight out of the 'Rocky Horror Show' otherwise!!!

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      Christoph Reilly 9 years ago from St. Louis

      Nice try, Mighty Mom, but it clearly states that I am weilding these items "before me", and it can in no way be miscontrued that I am personally wearing these items. I came very close to calling my friend Pepe and telling him not to bother, even though he, and Juan, and Pedro have already donned their speedos and make haste to your location.

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      Susan Reid 9 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA

      I'm confused (as usual). So is Christoph coming after Pam brandishing lingerie or wearing it? As I read the comment above it's (not to be confused with "its" -- I got that lesson, thanks!) a bit ambiguous. The translucent thingy, fishnet stockings and garters could either be wielded with the SMFM pumps, or it could be solely the pumps being wielded like a cross.

      Either way, neither one of you strikes me as the translucent thingy type. Pam, maybe -- but not in the dead of a Michigan winter.

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      Christoph Reilly 9 years ago from St. Louis

      Ok, but I can ACT like I have upper body strength. I didn't say anything about violence. I'll come after you, Pam, not with weapons but with lingerie - a translucent thingy - and fishnet stocking, garters, and come-f***-me pumps with 5 inch heels, weilding them before me like a cross before a vampire. So be aftaid...be very, very afraid. (Those shoes can be murder on your feet, Shades said.)

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      Shadesbreath 9 years ago from California

      Christoph is an actor, he doesn't have any upper body strength either, so it's not fair. (Sorry, Christoph, it was lying there, I had to take it.)

      And Misty, I feel you, man... err.. woMan.

    • profile image

      pgrundy 9 years ago

      Christoph, I'm not scared! Bring it on! Girl tears trump all. I know about you southern gentlemen--a few boo hoos on this end and I win. You don't fool me.

      It's fair though. It's totally fair. I have to bear children and I have no upper body strength, so it's kind of like a handicap in golf---it gives me a running start.

      Don't let them scrare your gwendymom---It's all posturing. :D

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      ajcor 9 years ago from NSW. Australia

      hysterical - i am truly laughing out loud (actually screaming with laughter!) at pgrundy's comments - I can so relate or least feel I would love to behave the same - particularly when people just won't fall into line with the traditional things (the christmas nazi rears her ugly little head) But the worst gift I have ever been given was a set of scales - what do YOU think I 'm getting FAT??? we're still married! cheers

      we also have a birthday in Dec but at least it ison the 6th - breathing room.

    • mistyhorizon2003 profile image

      Cindy Lawson 9 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

      My birthday is December 4th, and my Mum's is Christmas Day, my Sisters is Jan 3rd. Christmas is a very expensive time for us :)

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      Shadesbreath 9 years ago from California

      Amanda, that's funny about your kid's birthday. We actually have the birthday thing so bigtime, we just, stuff them in anyway. My wife is Dec 2, I'm the 20th and one of my sons is the 22nd, so, yeah, December can just eat it when it comes to gift giving and the subsequent costs therein. LOL. Be happy it's just one at your house.

      I'd love ot have sausage and chips for Christmas some year. How nice would that be?

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      Amanda Severn 9 years ago from UK

      Great hub Shades. Christmas in our house comes hard on the heels of my boy's birthday. Consequently I always insist that the tree goes up only when the birthday has been well and truly celebrated, otherwise the two events would just meld into one which would be a bit of a shame. The additional benefit to me is that I don't have to put up with all that tree stuff from December 1st like so many of my neighbours! (Yeah, I confess, I'm the bah humbug merchant in my house, but I take care to disguise it!)

      We also don't do the Christmas dinner thing. Last year we walked by the beach instead, and then went home for sausage and chips. In my defence though, we do cook for around thirty on Christmas Eve each year, so I see Christmas Day as a well-deserved rest.

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      gwendymom 9 years ago from Oklahoma

      Run Pgrundy, they will frape yur mr. bunny and break out the whips and chains, crap I might have gotten them confused with Spryte, Run anyway!

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      Christoph Reilly 9 years ago from St. Louis

      She's a spy, plain and simple. We have punishments for that.

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      Shadesbreath 9 years ago from California

      Yeah, see how she is? Tried to infiltrate our ranks and learn our man secrets.

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      Christoph Reilly 9 years ago from St. Louis

      Pam: Oh, so you're one of those. Get us thinking were safe around you, just like hangin with one of the guys, and then...WHAM...here come the tears and the girly stuff, leaving us gobsmacked. I see.

    • profile image

      pgrundy 9 years ago

      lol! I think I was going to get the vacuum and ball gag for my birthday but we didn't make that far. It's true--I secretly AM a typical chick, cleverly disguised as a wise-cracking, faux-mellow tom-boyish person. But I cry if we fight and stuff like that--which thankfully is almost never--so yeah, you found me out. (o: