Republican To English Dictionary

Republican to English Dictionary... In case you've been having trouble recently in deciphering speeches and news reports:

• alternative energy sources /n./ New locations to drill for gas and oil.
• bankruptcy /n./ A means of escaping debt available to corporations but not to poor people.
• "burning bush" /n./ A biblical allusion to the response of the President of the United States, when asked a question by a journalist who has not been paid to inquire about non-issues.
• Cheney, Dick /n./ The greater of two evils.
• class warfare /n./ Any attempt to raise the minimum wage.
• climate change /n./ Progress toward the blessed day when the blue states are swallowed by the oceans.
• compassionate conservatism /n./ Poignant concern for the very wealthy.
• creation science /n./ Pseudo-science that claims George W. Bush's resemblance to a chimpanzee is totally coincidental.
• DeLay, Tom /n./ Past tense of De Lie.
• extraordinary rendition /n./ Outsourcing torture.
• faith /n./ The belief that the Beatitudes (statements made by JC) include "Blessed are the rich" and "Blessed are the warmakers."
• free markets /n./ Halliburton no-bid contracts at taxpayer expense.
• girly-men /n./ Males who neglect opportunities to grope unwilling women.
• God /n./ Senior presidential adviser.

growth /n./

1. The justification for tax cuts for the rich.

2. What happens to the national debt when policy is made according to Definition 1.

• healthy forest /n./ No tree left behind.
• honesty /n./ Lies told in simple declarative sentences (e.g., "Freedom is on the march.").
• House of Representatives /n./ Exclusive club; entry fee: $1 million to $5 million (See: Senate).
• insanity /n./ See: staying the course.
• laziness /n./ When the poor are not working.
• leisure time /n./ When the wealthy are not working.
• liberal(s) /n./ Followers of the Antichrist.
• No Child Left Behind /riff./. There are always jobs in the military.

ownership society /n./

1. A civilization where 1 percent of the population controls 90 percent of the wealth.

2. A political system in which all poweris in the hands of the owners.

Patriot Act /n./

1. Pre-emptive strike on American freedoms to prevent the terrorists from destroying them first.

2. The elimination of one of the reasons why they hate us.

• pro-life /adj./ Valuing human life up until birth.
• Senate /n./ Exclusive club; entry fee: $10 million to $30 million.
• simplify /v./ To cut the taxes of Republican donors.
• staying the course /interj./slang./ Continuing to perform the same actions and expecting different results (See: insanity).
• stuff happens /interj./slang./ I don't have to live in Baghdad.
• voter fraud /n./ A significant minority turnout.

woman /n./

1. Person who can be trusted to raise a child but can't be trusted to decide whether or not she wishes to have a child.

2. Person who must have all decisions regarding her reproductive functions made by men with whom she wouldn't want to have sex in the first place.