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Republican To English Dictionary

Updated on November 11, 2010


Republican to English Dictionary... In case you've been having trouble recently in deciphering speeches and news reports:

  • alternative energy sources /n./ New locations to drill for gas and oil.
  • bankruptcy /n./ A means of escaping debt available to corporations but not to poor people.
  • "burning bush" /n./ A biblical allusion to the response of the President of the United States, when asked a question by a journalist who has not been paid to inquire about non-issues.
  • Cheney, Dick /n./ The greater of two evils.
  • class warfare /n./ Any attempt to raise the minimum wage.
  • climate change /n./ Progress toward the blessed day when the blue states are swallowed by the oceans.
  • compassionate conservatism /n./ Poignant concern for the very wealthy.
  • creation science /n./ Pseudo-science that claims George W. Bush's resemblance to a chimpanzee is totally coincidental.
  • DeLay, Tom /n./ Past tense of De Lie.
  • extraordinary rendition /n./ Outsourcing torture.
  • faith /n./ The belief that the Beatitudes (statements made by JC) include "Blessed are the rich" and "Blessed are the warmakers."
  • free markets /n./ Halliburton no-bid contracts at taxpayer expense.
  • girly-men /n./ Males who neglect opportunities to grope unwilling women.
  • God /n./ Senior presidential adviser.

growth /n./

1. The justification for tax cuts for the rich.

2. What happens to the national debt when policy is made according to Definition 1.

  • healthy forest /n./ No tree left behind.
  • honesty /n./ Lies told in simple declarative sentences (e.g., "Freedom is on the march.").
  • House of Representatives /n./ Exclusive club; entry fee: $1 million to $5 million (See: Senate).
  • insanity /n./ See: staying the course.
  • laziness /n./ When the poor are not working.
  • leisure time /n./ When the wealthy are not working.
  • liberal(s) /n./ Followers of the Antichrist.
  • No Child Left Behind /riff./. There are always jobs in the military.

ownership society /n./

1. A civilization where 1 percent of the population controls 90 percent of the wealth.

2. A political system in which all poweris in the hands of the owners.

Patriot Act /n./

1. Pre-emptive strike on American freedoms to prevent the terrorists from destroying them first.

2. The elimination of one of the reasons why they hate us.

  • pro-life /adj./ Valuing human life up until birth.
  • Senate /n./ Exclusive club; entry fee: $10 million to $30 million.
  • simplify /v./ To cut the taxes of Republican donors.
  • staying the course /interj./slang./ Continuing to perform the same actions and expecting different results (See: insanity).
  • stuff happens /interj./slang./ I don't have to live in Baghdad.
  • voter fraud /n./ A significant minority turnout.

woman /n./

1. Person who can be trusted to raise a child but can't be trusted to decide whether or not she wishes to have a child.

2. Person who must have all decisions regarding her reproductive functions made by men with whom she wouldn't want to have sex in the first place.

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