Republican To English Dictionary
Republican to English Dictionary... In case you've been having trouble recently in deciphering speeches and news reports:
- alternative energy sources /n./ New locations to drill for gas and oil.
- bankruptcy /n./ A means of escaping debt available to corporations but not to poor people.
- "burning bush" /n./ A biblical allusion to the response of the President of the United States, when asked a question by a journalist who has not been paid to inquire about non-issues.
- Cheney, Dick /n./ The greater of two evils.
- class warfare /n./ Any attempt to raise the minimum wage.
- climate change /n./ Progress toward the blessed day when the blue states are swallowed by the oceans.
- compassionate conservatism /n./ Poignant concern for the very wealthy.
- creation science /n./ Pseudo-science that claims George W. Bush's resemblance to a chimpanzee is totally coincidental.
- DeLay, Tom /n./ Past tense of De Lie.
- extraordinary rendition /n./ Outsourcing torture.
- faith /n./ The belief that the Beatitudes (statements made by JC) include "Blessed are the rich" and "Blessed are the warmakers."
- free markets /n./ Halliburton no-bid contracts at taxpayer expense.
- girly-men /n./ Males who neglect opportunities to grope unwilling women.
- God /n./ Senior presidential adviser.
1. The justification for tax cuts for the rich.
2. What happens to the national debt when policy is made according to Definition 1.
- healthy forest /n./ No tree left behind.
- honesty /n./ Lies told in simple declarative sentences (e.g., "Freedom is on the march.").
- House of Representatives /n./ Exclusive club; entry fee: $1 million to $5 million (See: Senate).
- insanity /n./ See: staying the course.
- laziness /n./ When the poor are not working.
- leisure time /n./ When the wealthy are not working.
- liberal(s) /n./ Followers of the Antichrist.
- No Child Left Behind /riff./. There are always jobs in the military.
ownership society /n./
1. A civilization where 1 percent of the population controls 90 percent of the wealth.
2. A political system in which all poweris in the hands of the owners.
Patriot Act /n./
1. Pre-emptive strike on American freedoms to prevent the terrorists from destroying them first.
2. The elimination of one of the reasons why they hate us.
- pro-life /adj./ Valuing human life up until birth.
- Senate /n./ Exclusive club; entry fee: $10 million to $30 million.
- simplify /v./ To cut the taxes of Republican donors.
- staying the course /interj./slang./ Continuing to perform the same actions and expecting different results (See: insanity).
- stuff happens /interj./slang./ I don't have to live in Baghdad.
- voter fraud /n./ A significant minority turnout.
1. Person who can be trusted to raise a child but can't be trusted to decide whether or not she wishes to have a child.
2. Person who must have all decisions regarding her reproductive functions made by men with whom she wouldn't want to have sex in the first place.
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