Humor - Robber Shoots Man with Dog

I have been having a creative drought recently. It's not actually writer's block, I've just been so angry at everything that my sense of humor is hiding in the corner and peeing in its pants out of fear. Well, it's time to speak in a sticky-sweet voice and to do my best to coax the little bugger out of its hiding place.

As I am wont to do at times like this (I call it being awake), I began to browse the Internet news services for news that shouldn't be.

It took an inordinate amount of time to find anything this go round. I found so many things that made me want to scream or do bodily injury to someone--criminals that got away, police giving tickets to mothers for stopping to read the small print on a parking sign, and the father in Indonesia that purposely got his son hooked on cigarettes when the baby wasn't even two years old only so he could use him as a tourist attraction: the two pack a day baby!!!

They all deserve a good swift boot to the head.

But I repress! (Constantly!)

I did find some good stuff though, but will it be enough? Only time will tell.

...

...

Okay, that's enough waiting. On to the headlines that tell it the way it never was.

I am oft amused ("oft" is a short way to say "often", which means more than none but fewer than all the time--you can see how it has saved us massive amounts of time in this sentence can't you?) at how badly some headlines are written. I've noted these kinds of oddities before, but I found a massive mother load of messed-up, main headers that I just had to bring to your attention.

Whenever a plane crashes, we depend on our news reporters to give us the whole story and to synopsinate it with a precise, succinct headline which tells the whole story. Like this: Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told.

And, when another plane went down, they didn't do it very well as stated in this headline: Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says.

This kind of thing seems to extend to other modes of transportation too: Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies.

Even in space: Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft.

I realized that our private lives aren't even safe from these rogue headlines, as seen here: Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training; Is There a Ring of Debris Around Uranus?; Prostitutes Appeal to Pope; Panda Mating Fails - Veterinarian Takes Over; Statistics Show that Teen Pregnancy Drops Off Significantly After Age 25.

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The following is an addendum to the finished article above:

There have been a great deal of developments in the area of really bad headlines since I originally wrote this piece. I am sad to report though that there have been few developments in the area of editing or common sense.

For example:

"Rangers get whiff of Colon" I don't think I would have wanted to watch THAT game.

"Puerto Rican teen named Mistress of the Universe" What if my wife finds out?

"Worker suffers leg pain after crane drops 800-pound ball on his head" I think he should be glad he can feel anything after that accident!

"17 remain dead in morgue shooting" So where did they bury the survivors?

"A-rod goes deep, Wang hurt" .............?

"Illiteracy an obstable, study finds" Do the chairs go with that obstable?

"Bugs flying around with wings are flying bugs" Sigh.

"Cow urine makes for tasty lemons" And I'm never going to your lemonade stand. NEVER!

"New sick policy requires 2-day notice" My viruses always let me know ahead of time when they're coming over to visit. Don't yours?

"Parents to keep kids home to protest school closure" Oy vey iz mir!

"Police arrest everyone on February 22nd" I know! I was there!

"Utah Poison Control Center reminds everyone not to take poison" Well, there goes cocktails for tonight...

"State prison to replace easy-open locks" I do think that that would be a good policy. Almost as good as the policy of not drinking poison.

"Too few women in top jobs could mean firms are forced to promote women" Oh, poor babies.

This kind of pseudo-informative writing even affects our boys in blue and the judicial system: Drunk Gets A Month in Violin Case; Hospitals are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors; Enfields Couple Slain - Police Suspect Homicide; Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant; Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim; Stolen Painting Found by Tree; Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years; Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire.

Ahh! Good times. I feel much better. I hope I've been able to bring a smile to your face. I should feel fortunate though. After all, I'm just suffering a creative lull. It could be worse: "Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction."

Now, when you see these headlines, you probably think, "What were these guys drinking when they approved these headlines?" The answer: "I don't know but I really think I want some."

I can't explain how someone can okay a headline such as, "One-armed man applauds the kindness of strangers". I don't understand why, "Push to get kids off of ATV's" didn't raise an eyebrow of anyone between writer and printery. I know that I have some words in places I don't really want them, but I'm without an editor. I do all the work myself.

I know that these news foundations have editors. I was denied a position as an editor at one, so who knows if they just don't want to have editors or they just don't use them?

I am actually quite glad that more people fall down on the job when it comes to some things. I don't want my mechanic to goof up and I SURE as shootin' don't want my doctor to misspell anything on a prescription form for me, but to read these headlines is a refreshing reminder that I'm not the only one that drops the ball from time to time. It kind of gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling inside; it's kind of like drinking a hot toddy in the throes of having the flu--you don't want to have the flu, but WHO CARES? YOU'RE THREE SHEETS TO THE WIND!

Bit-by-bit, I feel that life is worth living again. I can look at the world a know that I'm not alone in laughing at....I mean with these headlines. There is so much to smile at and grin about. Largely that I'm not the one responsible for the gaffs.

It's a beautiful thing to turn to the newspapers and on-line sources to see these humorous and bizarre headlines meant to give us the gist of a story but, instead, give us a chuckle or a guffaw.

I know that, as long as I don't write something such as, "Big rig carrying fruit crashes on 210 freeway, creates jam", and don't make myself the target of jabs by letting something like, "dead man found in graveyard" into the public eye, I can stand tall and proud.

And maybe I can get my sense of humor out of hiding.