Daily Weird #45...Subtle Butt...Who Says Your Toots Can't Smell Good?

I love Amazon. They have great books, an awesome supply of x-box games, and, well, in general just about everything a person could want. I believe they have surpassed E-bay in the “I don't care If you're looking for a pink elephant with monkey teeth... we have it!” category.

But, even knowing how varied the items on Amazon are, I still was not prepared for what I came across while browsing one day.

I came across not one product, but a whole bunch of products that I swear to God I thought I would only see advertised on Saturday Night Live.

It starts with the “Subtle Butt” product. “Subtle Butt?” you say. What's a subtle butt and what did you type in the search engine to get to this product? "Butt" of course... What do you think? Don't judge me.

Subtle Butt is technology for the 21st century! It's an awesome patch for your undergarmnets to make sure that if you should, you know, well, toot... your toot's won't stink. This could come in handy for people with jobs in food service, banks, and Lord knows if you're a teacher you can't blame it on the guy sitting behind you! I also see this as a great aid in job interviews. Let them think you're perfect. I wouldn't waste these though, after you get the job, eat beans and toot away. Save your Subtle Butt for special occasions.

If you think that's gross, you shouldn't really, because, wouldn't it be nice if everyone had a subtle butt?? How many times have you been on an elevator and wished someone had been wearing one of these? In a conference? In line to check out at the store? You can't leave, you can't even say anything. If you did, it wouldn't change the smell, and the kid behind you in line would just point and say "the smeller was the feller".

Anyway. Not gross. Good.

Now, here's gross. The following products are seriously available on Amazon. I'm not making this up.. go look. I already have my Christmas list made out.

First up we have the “Maybe You Touched Your Genitals Hand Sanitizer “. I'm totally not kidding. I have regular hand sanitizer in my purse at all times. I'm assuming this particular hand sanitizer is for a woman on a first date. After her date comes back from the bathroom he will find a bottle of “Maybe You Touched Your Genitals Hand Sanitizer” sitting by his plate. The guy doesn't have the option of declining the offer of hand sanitizer, because he knows he did just touch his genitals. Now, he may or may not have washed his hands, and using the aforementioned hand sanitizer in no way confirms that he did not, it just shows that he's sensitive to the fact that a little extra sanitizer in certain situations goes a long way toward charming a first date.

Although, there's always the drawback that you might not get that second date.. but if he didn't use the sanitizer, did you want that second date anyway? Ewww.

Next we have the “Just A Drop - The Natural Toilet Odor Neutralizer”. I think considering everything else they're selling they could have come up with a better name. For instance, “Drop Before You Plop” would have been nice.

This is an amazing product! Your neighbors invite you over for dinner. They have beans and cabbage. Everything is going great until you remember that while beans and cabbage are awesome foods, they don't smell so good on their way out. Now, you thought ahead and you're wearing your Subtle Butt, but.... it doesn't seem as though your body wants to end things with just letting a little smelly air through your intestines. You feel an explosion coming on.

You ask politely if you could borrow their restroom. They smile and show you to their “guest bathroom”. You thank them. They leave. You go in. AHHHHH. It seems as though these sadists have no fan or Lysol in their guest bathroom.

Sickos.

You know you're going to be judged for what goes on in the guest bathroom. As soon as you go home, they'll come running in and take a big sniff.

Jerks.

You search frantically for some kind of cleaner, deodorizer, soap with a scent... SOMETHING. Nothing. Then you remember. Your best friend bought you “Just A Drop - The Natural Toilet Odor Neutralizer” (known affectionately, in my mind, as “Drop Before You Plop”). You whip it out. You drop. You plop. You swagger back out to the party with confidence. In your hurry you forget to wash your hands and have to sneak in the kitchen to use the “Maybe You Touched Your Genitals Hand Sanitizer” your friend also gave you. But thanks to your best friend and your Subtle Butt, you come out smelling like a rose.

Then you never go back because what kind of sadistic people serve beans and cabbage and have no fan in their bathroom?

There are quite a few more, including Dispensable Underpants- the description includes the words “When just one pair of emergency underpants isn't enough”- ,“Asshole Repellant”, and a “Pull My Finger Fart Pen Toy”.

With the exception of the last one... we all had Uncles, we didn't need the toy... I have to wonder how I have gone through life without these products? I've been walking around like a time bomb. I could toot at any given minute without anything to block the smell? I've been coming out of stalls with a long line of women waiting to use said stall.... knowing it isn't going to be pretty. I've even been gone all day shopping with no dispensable underpants! The horror.

All I can say, is thank God for the scientists that have developed these very necessary products.

And thank you, Amazon search option...my world just got a little better.