Super Heroes I Don't Want To Be and Why I'd Love To Be Superman
Hello, Superman, Goodbye, Me!
So what about reincarnation? Personally, I do not believe in this mysterious phenomenon that is believed by those in our world to be true. But “if” and I do emphasize “if” this mysterious transformation of dying and then being able to come back as someone or something else, were true, I would be up a tree for I would have a tough choice to make concerning which super hero I would love to be the second time around in another life.
You see what just happened there? I accidentally presented a dual paradox in talking about reincarnation and super hero in the same sentence. Good thing that I did use the word “if,” the all-powerful word that lets amateur writers like myself get away with such statements. And still hold my head up in public without any shame at all.
When you talk about super heroes, you have opened a large territory to explore. I found that in planning this story, that I had to use good judgment, discretion, and a strong limit to how many super heroes I could write about, for I do not want to be guilty of being a ‘bore’ to anyone. Especially the worldwide fans of all of the various categories of super heroes we have at our disposal--thanks to DC Comics, Marvel Comics, Dark Horse Comics and the vast-array of new bee-comics publishers that have burst upon the scene in the past few years.
My main objective is this: to present, starting from my LEAST favorite super hero, and ending with my ALL-TIME FAVORITE super hero and tell you, if you are interested, why I feel this way about each character. Imagine that. A man of my age, 57, a husband, father, and grandfather, sitting at his PC churning out stories about people who don’t exist in order to have a story to share with people who DO have a lives with REAL heroes. Strange area this place called ‘real life.’
AQUAMAN - it’s not that I don’t like Aquaman, it’s just that I hate being underwater all of the time. An occasional swim during vacations is great, but having to wear that gold and green get-up and exploring the deepest regions of the ocean, not that interesting to me. But go give credence to Aquaman, I do like his ability to communicate with the sea creatures. But my luck would be to get a ‘yakkety-yakkety’ porpoise who loves to gossip about her neighbors, the clams, squid and the always-interesting, shark family. Have to throw this one a ‘no thanks.’
ROBIN - I can make my case for not wanting to be Robin in a few words. I do not like being a co-super hero or playing ‘second fiddle’ to anyone who wears a cowl over his eyes so I cannot see what his eyes are doing. For all I know, my boss with the cowl over his eyes just might be nodding off while I am sharing my info about a new villain that I have found on the Internet. Nope. Not going to be Dick Grayson, ward of Bruce Wayne. Too stuffy and way too much education required.
HULK - this one does have promise, but the green skin turns me off--especially if I were to meet an attractive woman who wants to spend some time talking over coffee. Surely, at first, this alluring female might find my green skin somewhat interesting, but knowing women the way I do, my green skin would be a turn-off after a few dates. And my constant grunting and speaking in broken sentences would not be a plus since women love for me to be sensitive and able to make good sense when I interact verbally with them when they are having a crisis like a female coworker is saying snippy things about their dress being too tight. If I were the Hulk, Incredible or not, I wouldn’t be successful with chattering with women as I would be crashing buildings, so I will respectfully pass.
BATMAN - there again, as in the case of Robin, my sidekick, I would have to take on the secret identity of “Kenneth Wayne,” not Bruce Wayne, since Bruce Wayne is a fictional character and having to wear the hot and stuffy cowl and cape--not one of my favorite things to do. But the upside of being Batman would be getting to drive that ultra-cool Bat Mobile that all chicks adore. But just having the Bat Mobile isn’t enough to convince me to be Batman. The cowl and cape are the deal-breakers.
CAPT. AMERICA - love that idea of being a super hero who is also a super-American with great strength, agility, and verbal skills, but that uniform with stars and stripes, I don’t think so. And having to be accurate with that heavy shield would not interest me since I am not that good at throwing things besides fits when people in the service industry take too long in checking me out at the grocery store. I can see it now. I am in m Capt. America costume---buying groceries after a long day of fighting crime. The cashier does not recognize me in line even in my costume and shield and continues her ‘snail-like’ speed of checking people (ahead of me) out so they can go home, would bring on a dialogue like this: ME: Hey, cutie with the streaked-hair! Would it be within the realm of possibility for you to at least ‘look’ like you are speeding up? CASHIER CUTIE: Uhhh, like, it’s this, like, this cash register ‘thingggy,’--it, like, won’t work, like fast. You are, like, gonna have to, like, wait, yew know? ME: “Not going to happen. You can keep this five-hundred dollars worth of grub. I’ve had a hard day of fighting The Red Skull and I’m headed home.” “Like, see ya.”
IRON MAN - even with the ‘bells and whistles’ on Iron Man’s red and yellow uniform, I cannot see me having to fly around with this heavy uniform while I fight crime. Just what if I have a sudden urge to use the restroom while I am fighting my arch-enemy, Submariner? A problem, I’d say. And even though I would love to have industrialist and billionaire, Tony Stark’s dough, I would have to say ‘no’ to his drinking problem for wearing an iron uniform that is heavy and has the color yellow is not my cup of fame. Sorry. Get Mr. Fantastic and the Fantastic Four to handle your crime fighting.
SPIDER MAN - no much drama with Aunt Mae, and Jane, my on-again, off-again girlfriend. And frankly, the climbing walls can be a bit clumsy and boring, so I will not be adapting the super hero of Spider Man any way soon. Although I do love the speed of Spider Man, and the ability to shoot webs from my wrists, but the always-having to ‘act’ meek and weak doesn’t appeal to me. There would be times that my own personality would be a direct conflict--especially when a classroom bully is picking on me or a friend and I would honestly, lose my temper and smash the bully’s head into a nearby wall. Nope. This super hero role calls for me to be a weakling and soft-spoken. I am not a Peter Parker. This is not for me.
THOR - forget about it. Too much violence involved in my being Thor, the god of thunder. I do like his hammer that can destroy a battleship and by spinning it around can carry me back in time, but that helmet, not for me. And if I have to look like the actor who starred in the recent movie, Thor, no dice. I have too much testosterone to be an humble hero from the realm of Zeus and Apollo, and other gods to be a Thor. And that cumbersome cape, please!
FLASH - why should I have to travel at light-speed to be anywhere? Huh? I am a slow, calculating man who doesn’t go for always being in a hurry or being in a run. And the running and not using a Boeing 747 to reach my destination? Naaaah. Too ‘flashy’ for me and besides, girls of 2011 do not find men with solid-red uniforms with yellow lightning bolts on their chest to be that credible. The light-speed running would be a benefit if I wanted to win a few big bets by telling some sucker that I could run to Detroit, Michigan from where we are, Dallas, Texas, and back in less than 5 minutes, that would be very nice, but that alone is not enough to convince me to be the Flash.
TORCH - the only redeeming quality about the Torch is having a sister like Sue Storm. Remember Jessica Alba, the hot chick who starred as Sue Storm in the movie, Fantastic Four? Well, she might have some hot girlfriends to match my ‘hot,’ inferno-like personality--that would be the only reason for wanting to be the Torch, but knowing me, all of Sue Storm’s hot girlfriends would be clingy and needy and want me to stay around about a night of ‘fiery’ passion, and cuddle. Uhhh, not for this old guy. Too much talking when I could be getting some good sleep.
THE RIDDLER - this is not a super hero, but I did love the great comedian, the late Frank Gorshin’s style of playing this hilarious villain on the television series, Batman, with Adam West (Batman) and Burt Ward (Robin). Riddler was a great bad guy. I just threw him in this list because I loved Frank Gorshin. R.I.P., Frank. I always admired you on the Ed Sullivan Show.
WONDER WOMAN - I don’t even know why I put her on my super hero list. I would be lousy at being a female super hero. Just what if the United States is being attacked just when it’s ‘that time fo the month’ for Wonder Woman? I can see where this act of nature would definitely be a sore spot. And make me edgy and very cranky when having to deal with the local authorities, mostly men, who I wouldn’t be able to stand during my period, so I will just let being Wonder Woman be. I did though, love Lynda Carter as the television Wonder Woman. Carter was and still is a babe.
SUPERMAN - is my all-time FAVORITE super hero and for good reason, he’s super--in every way. From a super-sense of humor, all of his jokes get big laughs, to his ability of charming Lois Lane, Superman is my choice of super heroes for wanting to change lives with them. Now, the super-sense of humor and charming Lois Lane, those are my NEW talents that I would give Superman. I could, pull off the obscure disguise of, “Kenneth Kent,” (sometimes) mild-mannered reporter for the Daily Planet, but my newspaper would be The Washington Post, for having more political cover-ups and scandals being located in Washington, D.C. What’s not to like about Superman? His full-head of black hair, (I don’t even have a head of hair, much less full), his perfect facial features--jutting jaws, perfect cheek bones and eyes that can be used for his X-ray and heat vision. I would respect Lois Lane and all of my female coworkers and NOT look through their clothing with my X-ray vision. I promise. But when it came to having a night out with a great girl, Lois, it would be, “Lois, get your coat, for we are going out for drinks, dinner and some dancing,” I would say with a charming look on my mug. “Whaaat? Kenneth Kent? Is that you talking? You must be running a high-fever--you never want to be with me or any woman. I thought you liked men!” Lois would say. Then I would reply, “Listen, I can love you, just like Superman--all night, well, for days if you like and never get tired and respect you two weeks from the time our night is finished. Whataya say, Lois?” By now, Lois has fainted and Lex Luthor has started a new attack on Metropolis, so my hot night with Lois will have to wait. And with ME being Superman, no more being pushed around by Perry White, my boss at the paper, if he has transferred from the Daily Planet to the Washington Post. I would stand up for myself and win--without exposing that I am really Superman. And concerning economic troubles in our country, yes, I would attack them by getting all banks and the Federal Reserve to have a join-agreement with all labor in our country for lower interest rates and to help our nation’s industry to hire more jobless people. And the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq, those would be over quick when I would take care of the enemies of these countries pretty much over-night and bring our troops home. These are just a few of the reasons why I would love being Superman.
Yes, I think I could get used to being Superman pretty quick.
But you DID NOT read that here.