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The 2nd Best Simpsons Episode Ever -- Bart Gets A Phony Drivers License
I never watch the Simpsons anymore.
But it's clear they're the masters.
The jokes on this show come literally three to a single phrase. That means that by the time an exchange of dialogue is complete, there's eighteen god damn jokes.
And every one of them is funny.
The Simpsons unfortunately are for academics and I'm a classless shlub who prefers Family Guy and South Park. You appreciate the genius of the writing of the Simpsons, but Family Guy's the show.
Except for a few Simpsons episodes that were so good it was insane.
Observe -- Bart gets a phony drivers license.
So Principal Skinner got these tickets to go to Hong Kong and he wants to move it to a later date. The lady at the airlines is more then happy to oblige him -- for 6,000 dollars. Skinner's not paying that. He's going to have to go tomorrow. And so he tells all the kids and parents that tomorrow is "Go To Work With Your Parents Day".
O.K. So...Bart has figured out that if he calls dibs on Marge, that he'll get to stay home because she's a "homemaker". Lisa's pissed. She's got to go to a nuclear power plant which is about the most anti-Lisa thing in this world. She's determined not to let Bart get away with this. Bart doesn't get to watch his Knicks on channel 4 while Tom DeLay is busting a move on Dancing With The D-List on channel 3.
So Marge looks over the questionnaire the kids are to have their parents fill out. And it says "note-- housewife is not a profession because it's not real work, that's why you don't get paid for it." Because school is after all for rednecks.
And so dang! What to do now with Bart! He needs a woman to watch at her job. "Too bad," says Bart, "Mom is the only woman we know. Sorry. The world has it's flaws sometimes. See ya Lis."
To which Lisa smirks. "Well what about Aunt Patty and Aunt Selma at the DMV?"
You should see Bart at that moment. The milk he carefully poured into the cereal box he's eating out of drops through the bottom of the box and out of his mouth.
"Hey YEAH!" marvels Marge to Lisa. "I would have NEVER thought of that!"
So Bart goes to the DMV where Patty and Selma are facing a crowded room of people in line, and they're not doing anything. Just sitting and trimming their nails. "Some days," Patty says, "we don't let the line move at all." "Yeah," says Selma. "We call those WEEK days."
Meanwhile Bart sees the bright side of things -- Milhouse at the moment is at the boring ass cracker factory that his dad works at.
Cut to the cracker factory. It's the god damn circus, and Milhouse is sledding and running around like wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow and they go down the Batman poles to see how they make the "crackers with the peanut butter already in them."
Meanwhile Lisa's at the power plant and hates it. She has nothing to say to Homer, and Homer has nothing to say to Lisa. It's not hostile, they just have nothing in common...
Except the fact that, like a little kid, Homer loves to play around.
For the first time ever they end up hitting it off. They put on the radiation suits and pretend they're the members of I think Lost In Space.
Meanwhile back to Bart at the DMV. Throughout the process of the drivers license picture taking, Bart realizes that he can very easily make a license of him on it that says he's 25.
"25?" Milhouse says as he reads it. "But you're not 25! This I.D. is completely fake!"
"That's right, Milhouse," says Bart. "It is fake. Which makes it a 'fake I.D.'"
And so Nelson and Milhouse are trying to figure out what to do with a fake I.D. Nothing. They need money first. And sure enough, here comes Martin with a whole lot of money looking to buy some friends.
They go see "Naked Lunch", after which Nelson remarks in disgust "I can think of two things wrong with that title."
They go to Mo's, who immediately falls for the fake and serves them. But they see Barney and get grossed out and decide to leave.
Yeah, having a fake I.D. doesn't do much as it turns out.
Then they realize that they can rent a car and so they go decide to go on a road trip. But where? Milhouse opens the car and there's an old Atlas from 1982 that has the World's Fair on the front. "Let's go not to a state fair, not a country fair, but a WORLD'S FAIR! The World's Fair in Knoxville, Tennessee!"
And so bet...they're gonna do this.
But what to tell our mommas?
No problem, Bart says. Here's an excuse -- tell them we're going to the National Grammar Rodeo in Canada.
Milhouse tells his parents.
Bart tells his parents.
Martin tells his parents.
"I'm going away for a while, see ya!" Nelson says as he walks out of his craphole with his running-away gear.
And so they go, and now Marge is completely alone. She tries to drink. Doesn't work. She goes and hangs out with Maggie.
She WAKES UP Maggie intentionally so that she can deal with a crying baby and thus HAVE SOMETHING TO DO!
And Lisa and Homer are getting close. They're having a sleepover and firing up marshmallows, and Lisa tells Homer about this guy she likes named Langdon Auger, which for a dad who doesn't give a damn about his kids is now something he's really sure to remember.
So the boys are halfway to Knoxville and they enter Branson, Missouri. Sure enough, Tom Jones is performing. Nelson bullies them into going. And so during "Moon River" we see the boys. They're all bored and asleep...until we get to Nelson who's RIVETED.
They keep going. There's a family driving in the lane next to them.
"IF YOU EFFING KIDS DON'T SHUT THE F UP," the dad calmly breaks it to his kids in the backseat, "I'M GONNA TURN THIS DAMN CAR AROUND AND THERE WON'T BE ANY CAPE CANAVERAL...FOR ANY GOD DAMN BODY!"
Nelson reaches out and slaps the man on the neck.
"THAT'S IT!" he says. "BACK TO WINNIPEG!!!"
And then U-turns as hard as he can. Sorry, family. Nelson just destroyed your long miserable ride and or vacation.
So they get there and not only is the fair long over, but the big thing (stratosphere or something)? goes and crushes the car.
Worse then that, Martin just spent their last ten dollars on an Al Gore doll. (He pulls the string and it goes "You...are hearing...me talk.")
And so Bart calls up Lisa and tells her what happened. "I knew it!" whispers Lisa. "Because why would they have OUR national grammer radio in another nation?! Bart what are you going to do?"
And so Lisa suggests that he be a courier because they "fly for free".
So that's what happens.
And so Lisa's at the power plant just...scared. Homer's like what's wrong honn-eee? Clearly he thinks it's going to be more sugary stuff about Langdon Auger and pigtails.
And so Lisa tells him --
BART RENTED A CAR WITH A PHONY DRIVERS LICENSE AND TOOK NELSON, MILHOUSE AND MARTIN TO A WIG OUTLET IN KNOXVILLE AND THE CAR GOT CRUSHED AND THEY'RE OUT OF MONEY AND CAN'T GET HOME AND BART IS WORKING AS COURIER AND JUST GOT BACK FROM HONG KONG!
Yes, says Homer turning purple. That's a pickle.
But after a bunch of swearing inside the radiation suit, he calmly sets up a plan where they can order something from the power plant in Oak Ridge, Tennessee, and Bart can be the courier.
"We need a new console," says Homer.
"Uh, our computers indicate yours is working just fine."
To which Homer dumps a whole bunch of soda on top of it.
The guy on the other end is acting like he's watching a million people get eaten alive by a shark at once.
"And send it courtesy of Homer J--"
"NO!" Lisa stops him. "Then Bart will know I told!"
"Send it courtesy of...Langdon Auger."
What a nice line.
And so Bart manages to get home after delivering a bunch of human eyes to some lunatic in Thailand or something, and he's talking about his trip at the dinner table.
"It got too commercial," Bart speaks of the heh-heh grammar rodeo. "They forgot that it was about the grammar."
Homer wants to kill him.
Lisa wants to kill him.
That night, Marge is woken up to a whole bunch of phone calls. Requests for Bart to come into work, the Knoxville police, etc. And Homer's sinking ever so slowly under the sheets guilty.