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The Quintessential Review of Spider-Man 3

Updated on March 27, 2010

In about 10 years, comic book fans worldwide will be treated to a film called "Sinister Six".

It will be actually Spider-Man 6, and Tobey McGuire will be going against six mamajammas.

The problem is -- how do you pay for such a film?

In order to not make it cheesy like the DC version of Justice League, which will have nothing but young actors, you will have to generate enough revenue to pay actual famous people to play these guys. And if memory recollects, Sandman is one of the Sinister Six. So on top of Sony completely hijacking Raimi's production for the third installment, he has to keep the antagonist of his desired storyline for said movie...alive.

People wonder if Sony really had to do the hack job they did.

Yes. They did.

Because a critical piece of the world is women, old people, and little children. The world is almost 84% these particular demographics. By catering to everyone else, Spider-Man 1 and 2 became 844 million dollar phenomenons each.

Venture through the looking glass, my American investors.

We get these 84 percent, and we can one day have 3 billion dollars in our pockets to make up for the 1 billion we'll have to pay for Sinister Six.

But this means that we'll have to go beyond the massive advertisements, the billboards, the Taco Bell and Wal-Mart cross promotions and continuous pushing everywhere you go....we have to make Spider-Man 3 something that these 84 percent will SIT THROUGH so that they'll sit through the next one, and then the next one so we'll still have them around by the time Spider-Man 6 comes around!

Well what do these people like?

Singing. Dancing. Dancing with the Stars, Tom DeLay dancing. They also like soap operas. And catalogs. If you present Spider-Man 3 like a big toy catalog, and have moms and kids look up at the fighting and just go "COOL!!!!" and "WOW!!!!" and "TOTALLY AWESOME!!!" they'll buy all these plastic Venom and Sand-Mans we've made.

But I still feel like there's more we could be doing to chick it up. We got relationship squabbles, about an hour-and-a-half of them, and we got three separate dance numbers and two singing numbers, and a good amount of crying, we could use more crying, I mean, it still doesn't feel as chick-like as say...Party of Five or...Grey's Anatomy or...


A slow death in the end!

THEN we'll get our extra crying!

Poor Sam Raimi. He has to sabotage J.Jonah Jamison's routine out of protest for what Sony's doing to his set. He has Jonah have to tone himself down because "his wife" is making him.

The film stars Tobey McGuire who says things like "When life deals you a bad hand you gotta brush yourself off and get right back on that horse!"

And Kirstin Dunst who was written to be a bitch probably in spite because of brutal agent battles with Sony over her lack of proper compensation for all that she brought to the first 2 films. They go so far as to have the entire relationship problem she had with Spiderman in the film based on the pretense that Mary Jane has a Broadway star's ego. In essence, Dunst's AKA Mary Jane's ambition to be a star is what causes the wedge between them. Spider-Man's supposed to be cocky. It's his damn movie, and you wouldn't have a boyfriend who's anything BUT self-obsessed and cocky, Mary Jane! The script is a subliminal attack on Dunst and her and her agent's "ego" getting in the way of the proceedings of a 250 million dollar scam on audiences.

And Thomas Hayden Church who, believe it or not, was a dead on Sandman.

And Eddie Brock everyone said should have been bigger but he was bigger in proportion then Tobey, and that's all that matters.

And Bryce Dallas Howard is so fine.She was pregnant throughout the shoot which is why she's wearing black in the later stages.

The film's many flaws was simply due to Sony. You can see all the many moments when they really thought they were helping. They watched the first two films and started to really like a) the music and b) Ursula, the foreign neighbor. And so they overloaded on these two elements until nobody wanted to hear the score ever again, or see stupid Ursula.

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