Weird Amazon Products and Funny Amazon Reviews

Get your day off to a rollicking start by doing a little on-line shopping at Amazon.com. You might think that's an unlikely place to start looking for humor, but once you read some of the funny product reviews, you'll be addicted. In fact, some of these weird Amazon products are pretty funny all by themselves.

*Note: These are all real products with real reviews. Hard to believe, isn't it?

If you are a knitter, have you ever tried knitting with dog hair? The book, Knitting with Dog Hair: Better a Sweater From a Dog You Know and Love Than From a Sheep You’ll Never Meet explains how to do it.

The book promises to teach you how to collect, clean and store your dog's fur before spinning it into yarn. Then, the product description says, you can knit mittens from your Malamute, caps from your Collie or a beret from your Beagle.

You should probably de-flea Fido before your spinning and knitting begins. And never, never collect the fur after he’s rolled in the unidentifiable flattened object on the side of the road!

If you are laughing at the title and product description of the Knitting with Dog Hair book, here are some sample excerpts of the reviews that will tickle you even more:

Zolton cautions not to miss any details,

"…missed a fairly important point: the hair you use for your project CANNOT STILL BE CONNECTED TO THE DOG when you start knitting. The fur is hard enough to keep on the needles, without all the squirming and howling going on…"

Tracy says

"… I felt bad at first shaving my dog completely bald… he now looks more stylish in his own fur!..."

*Note: Knitting with dog hair is not as uncommon as you might think, and there are many other practical uses for dog hair, too!

If your pets are the furry feline variety, don't be jealous! You can do all kinds of fun things with cat hair other than just vacuuming it up or trying to brush it off your clothes. According to a neat little book called Crafting with Cat Hair by Kaori Tsutaya, you can make kitty tote bags and finger puppets as well as adorable cat toys out of your surplus cat hair. What a great gift for that crazy cat lady in your life!

Whatever the answer to this question, you may need some of this Maybe You Touched Your Genitals Hand Sanitizer. It never hurts to keep your hands clean, and you might want to get a few bottles of this product for yourself or your friends. Come on, you never know what your friends have touched, do you? And now you can assure them that you are sanitized, too.

And how about that guy in your office who never washes his hands… If you're not sure what he's been shaking, then don't go shaking hands with him until you offer him some of this handy-dandy (excuse the pun) hand sanitizer!

Yup, it’s definitely something you want to keep handy. This reviewer rated it 4 ½ stars:

Ty "Methane" says,

"… I thought I should get this product, because... well... what if I touched my genitals…"

And another review,

"… I shook hands with an employee that was notorious for touching his genitals, the second he turned away I ran to the bathroom…washed my hands so thoroughly that genital germs run in …"

The Jesus Toaster is a real, bona-fide toaster that creates an image of Jesus Christ on your daily bread. This full featured toaster has seven settings to be sure that your holy toast is done to perfection. One very funny reviewer says,

Falconer says,

"…is PERFECT for making tuna fish sandwiches, but be sure to use Miracle Whip to keep things authentic… you can make your purchase price back (or whenever you need some quick cash) by selling a piece of Jesus image miracle toast on E-bay or Craig's List..."

This weird product is rated 4 stars, but I rate the reviewer 5 stars for funny. This is one review you should read in its entirety by clicking on the Amazon product link to the right!

This weird sounding Amazon product may seem like a joke to some, but this is serious, people! More than 1/3 of Americans believe in UFO’s, and UFO sightings have been reported all over the world. Wouldn't you want to know if those UFO's are ready to beam you up? This handy-dandy device will sense electronic disturbances and signal the presence of UFOs with flashing LED lights and beeping. So it’s hard to tell if these are serious reviews or meant to be funny reviews. You be the judge:

A. Customer loved it,

"… am blown away by its effectiveness. I started this device up and immediately detected not one, not two, but five separate UFOs in my immediate area…"

Peter was disappointed,

"… I bought this device, thinking that if it went off, I'd have time to escape to my lead-lined safe room, or at least grab a weapon…. It kept beeping the whole time that I was being probed by every single crewman…"

Amazon says this offers endless opportunity for comedy as you can record your own funny snippets or download prerecorded voices from the internet. Can’t you just imagine the multitude of uses for this?

The creative prankster can use it to send public health messages like, “Please use a little more paper.” Or “Have mercy! Open the window!” or other cute clips. Perhaps a reminder to use the previously mentioned, Maybe You Touched your Genitals Hand Sanitizer before leaving the room?

Some of the reviewers proved to have diabolic personality twists as they use this to scare the s**t, er, stuffing, out of their loved ones. Take this lady who almost caused her spider-fearing spouse to have a messy accident:

Mistress of the Dark Path relates

"… with my most monotone voice "Did you check the toilet for spiders?" and then set it up in the bathroom… honestly believed it must have been a ghost talking to him. It nearly caused him to urinate on the floor…"

This electric powered, adjustable exam table seems to be the perfect item for both medical offices and home furnishing. Read the reviews and you’ll be amazed (perhaps horrified) at the number of people who have found a myriad of home uses for this comfortable, adjustable exam table:

Patrick says

"… Before I got this product I used to have to use my kitchen table to cut up cadavers, which made for some awkward situations when I had guests over…"

Sushi says

"… picture the death defying feats of whoopie this awesome table can accommodate. Saved my marriage…"

Here's a special, very weird product that my friend Sunshine will love, Squirrel Underpants! If your squirrels chitter and chatter and squeak and holler like Sunshine's spatting squirrels, it could be they're trying to tell you something. Don't let your squirrels run around naked! Get these cute little tighty-whities for your modest little rodents! · Standard white cotton jockey-type drawers will fit most squirrels and many guinea pigs.

Timboliah says,

"...These little 'tighty whitey's' will do when the laundry is all piled up and your pet squirrel is far too modest to 'go commando.' My squirrel prefers boxers though... these tight little underbritches just don't seem to have enough room for his nuts..."

D. Martinez "David" says

"...Ok... it was a little difficult catching the squirrel and even more difficult putting these on my lil' furry friend. Once on though I felt he really liked them ...BTW they run a little small, if you have a big squirrel..."

From miracle toast to scouting out UFOs, with a little research, you can find just the right product on the internet. It is a little addictive once you start reading funny product reviews, and rather amazing to discover the range of weird, funny, useful and useless products that can inspire some very creative writing.

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copyright ©2013 Stephanie Henkel