Gabriel's Groans: Why We Tell Little White Lies!

Little white lies are perceived by many of us as a necessity to get through the day. If we answered every question truthfully we'd be exhausted, unpopular and most likely unemployed by lunch time, not to mention the possibility of physical harm being inflicted upon our person. Our valium prescription would cost a fortune in the hope of saving our sanity. Our best friends would be our enemies and the world as we know it would seize to exist. There would be no such thing as divorce because people wouldn't marry in the first place. The blatant truth between lovers is not always a good thing. Seriously, can you imagine it? We'd all have to wear our beer goggles forever. No woman wants to know her bum is big in everything especially that dress. No man wants to know he looks ridiculous in speedos. In fact no man wants to know he looks ridiculous in any pants that are above his ankles.

The little white lie is what we tell when the truth hurts. Who the truth hurts is the backbone of the little white lie. If the truth hurts someone for whom we have an intolerance to (I never say the hate word) then frankly the truth is gonna hurt, a lot. However if the truth hurts someone we care for then a little white lie rally's to the rescue. We smile sweetly and reassure our loved one that of course they'll get that job (like hell, with your credentials), will meet that perfect someone (perfect for you, maybe) and no, you can't see a bald spot (when you wear a hat, that is) and beauty is in the eye of the beholder (just gotta find the beholder, is all).

We tell little white lies because we want to save face, sometimes even someone else's face but mostly our own face, or ass whichever is in the firing line. Saving our butts, our jobs, keeping our friends and staying out of trouble are just some of the reasons why we tell little white lies. Of course divorce and murder are two more reasons. When does anyone involved in either of those tell the truth. Touché. Who in their right mind is gonna tell a police officer they were speeding when they get pulled over for speeding? No one, that's who. Imagine telling your boss to take a hike when he or she asks you to do extra work without extra pay. Yeah right, not a sinner among us. How many of you lie about your weight, height and age? Deducting inches to add somewhere else. And telling people your forty. Ha! whatever. Liar liar your pants are on fire.

We tell little white lies because it's easier than being honest. Very often when we are honest we get absolutely no thanks for our frankness or for telling the truth. In fact honesty can alienate you from those you love and care for. Honesty is not always the best policy. There are times when dodging honesty with a little white lie is crucial to survival. Only someone with a death wish will admit their partner or spouse irritate the crap out of them. Who's ever gonna confess that murder seems too good for some people they know. And what about the in laws? Just think about it. What would your life be like if you didn't tell the odd porky to your mother in law? There's only one answer. Hell. Then there's those embarrassing moments when honesty just wouldn't work at all. Those moments when bodily functions are blamed on some poor oblivious sod. The one that usually smiles back when everyone stares at them. Or the real reason you've got a doctors appointment (chronic diarrhea) is camouflaged by the words 'routine' and 'check up'. And the hair dye in your supermarket trolley is for your mother! Yeah right! Of course it is. I guess the powder puff and the big knickers are too.

Then there's the story telling, the little white lies that we tell our little ones. Santa Claus coming down the chimney. As if he'd fit. The tiny Tooth Fairy being able to lift a whole pillow on her own, I don't think so. And the Easter Bunny, yeah right —everyone knows bunnies eat carrots not chocolate. The mean ole parents that tell their kids they're gonna see a man about a dog. I have scars from being told that story. I'm still waiting for the damn dog. And eating crusts won't make your hair curly. Although they might be responsible for your hair falling out. Just saying I've ate a lot of crusts. As for making faces when the wind changes; I think that might be true if you calculate the wind changing over a period of time. Like years...

We all have different reasons why we tell little white lies. Every day we have numerous opportunities to lie to someone about something.

• To hold onto our sanity.
• Prevent the truth from causing hurt to those we love.
• To save ourselves and others from embarrassment.
• Honesty is not always the best policy.
• And who the hell is gonna squeal on Santa Claus.

So folks. Here's the big question. Do you do the Pinocchio? Nah! thought not, neither do I. Let's all stick with the funky chicken.