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Why You Will Never Go To Mars

Updated on March 13, 2015



I WANT TO WRITE THIS WHOLE ARTICLE IN ALL CAPS but I'm going to bring this down to an even more human level for a peer to peer "jam session" with not-all-caps. These are the reasons why you will never go to mars. Sorry.

Mars Attacks!

Oh so you're just about to go to mars? Oh ok cool actually fuck that my lorde mars attacks. We've all seen the footage. Maybe you haven't, it's an old Tim Burton movie, but it's about the same thing, people have this problem. Yeah waltz right up to mars, why don't you just stick your nipples out of the spaceship first so they can bite them off. God, you are so stupid. Also martians are skeletons with brains and jack Nicholson's gonna be there watching, martians will flipping strike you. No you're not going to mars.

White Lords Of The East Oppose You

Reach back into the back of your fears and you know this to be true. God, this is just so egregious. WHITE LORDS OF THE- WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT I feel like I just woke from a low blood pressure daydream. You're not doing shit with problems like this so just take a moment to delve into it a bit. Look I don't even know what I'm talking about. You can't even say the f word with people like white lords of the east blocking your juice. Their fingers glitter with horrifying power, they put a big gold ring on their middle finger and they just give you the finger. You will never go to mars.

You Have Haters

You are so pathetic. You are so predictable. You don't know "the corner" until you've been blasted in the chest with an ak-47 full of razor blades. You like to acknowledge peer pressure? Well you're going to get punched in the face with a blowtorch by someone who's dad makes them drink snake venom. You're never going to mars, because someone's eating doritos covered in brain on a big sofa in a room with a high ceiling while the dude who's brains it is lies face down on the carpet in front of him and his blood is intermingling in the carpet fibers with some type of white powder drug and techno music is playing loudly. You're not going to mars, because you want to skip the chainsaw scene. Come out them pockets. You have haters idiot, you can't overcome that. The spaceship is off limits.

this means nothing.
this means nothing.

You Have Sudnam Syndrome Where You Suddenly Remember Being In Vietnam And It Gets To You, You Are Disqualified

You were never even in Vietnam, where is this even coming from? You jump because you think it's "the big one" whenever a lawnmower backfires, that's nukes, there were no nukes in Vietnam, you picked the wrong war! You picked the wrong war and you weren't even in Vietnam. No way man, game over.

Mars Is The Red Planet And You Can't Read

Dun dun dun

Apple Jacks

crapple rapples

you don't own any live at red rocks cds - what, you didn't know those albums were played on mars? they're played on mars, man!

Yeah they have concerts on mars and Dracula is there and Frankenstein and wolfman and the mummy and he man and your mom and dad and your big brother, oh what a time they have. And oh, the things they do. Why you could hardly imagine. It's the most sublime intersection of peculiarities. You don't appreciate these things. You don't "get" the mars rock concerts. That's what those cds were about. No one had those cds. Except dmb fans. They had a dmb one and I think nirvana or hootie and blowfish or jay z or something, man I don't know.

You Want To Believe But Don't

You're really not even trying hard enough. You're like a hobo of wanting to believe. It's called a ufo sighting, look it up, make a change, get involved. They're not going to sight/cite themselves. What do you think Buzz Aldrin is thinking, "Oh sure Timmy I'll take you to Mars with NO EVIDENCE", whatever douche. You might as well take down that I WANT TO BELIEVE poster you have and put up one of those posters of Bob Marley appearing to retch as he exhales because you probably believe in that due to your lack of dedication to the mars rover.

You Let The Wrong Kind Of Aliens Fuck You

You lay down on your face in the back of a van with the seat taken out in El Paso and a Mexican man who was visiting without documents, which is called being an "alien", for his own reasons, had nonconsexual sex with you. You wish you were in a cabin somewhere growing a beard out because you got fucked by aliens like in the movie Fire in the Sky (just... look it up, I don't care) but you didn't. It was the other implication of the word. You're not getting invited to Mars. You might get invited to Mexico, possibly Taiwan. I don't know, make some phone calls, that's something you make happen for yourself.

Your Spaceship Exploded

Oh, fuck. Yes you did Chip, yes you did. The furthest extremity of your human innovation and technical skills and it was all squandered in a few chaotic moments. Your luminescent sky-dragon is no more. Now who will watch over earth? You're not going to mars either, damn it. Can't reinforce that enough.


I just think you're incompetent


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