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Irish Jokes Go on Have a laugh

Updated on December 3, 2013

Have a laugh with some of the best Irish jokes around Plus if you have any more feel free to add them to the comments below

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This man goes into an Irish doctor for his wife's test results.

-- The man says : I am here for my wife's test results. --

Receptionist : "Oh, I'm sorry Mr , there's been a problem. We have two sets of test results for your wife and we don't know which belongs to your wife..... I'm afraid it's bad news or terrible news. One test shows Alzheimer's Disease, and the other shows Aids!"

--- The man : That's awful! What should I do?

Receptionist: "The Irish doctor suggests you drop her off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, -- do not shag her ---

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A Scots man -- An English man -- An Irish Man talking about the best bar to go to

Scotsman -- Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, and you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your the third drink . Great place indeed.

The Englishman than says --That sounds like a good bar, but where I come from, there's an even better one called Quinns. At Quinns, you buy a drink, Quinn buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Quinn buys you another drink. Than it just keeps going with every second drink. Best place ever.

Than the Irish man Says --- You think that's good? - Where I come from, there's this place called Murphy's. And at Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, Plus they buy you the second drink, and even better is they buy you the third drink, and best of all is they take you in the back and get you laid.

"Wow!" say the Scots man & the English man -- That sounds fantastic -- Did that actually happen to you? "NO," replies the Irish man, ->>> But it happened to my sister <<<-

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An Irish blonde - An English brunette and a Scottish redhead They all work at the same office for a Lady boss who always seems to go home early.

One day the English brunette says -- let's go home early tomorrow -- She'll never know--

So the next day all three leave right after the boss goes home early. The English brunette gets some extra gardening done & the scottish redhead goes to a bar,

>> But the Irish blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss <<

When she sees this, she quietly sneaks back out of the house and vows to return home at her normal time the next day.

In the morning, the English brunette says: -- That was fun -- We should all do it again sometime.

>>>>No way -- Says the Irish blonde -- I almost got caught <<<

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True Story Now follows a list of inventions.

These were all the inventions of the Irish man who was history's most unluckiest inventor.

Over the years he came up with new soft drink ideas that never seem to take off

>> 4-up -- 5-up, 6-up and he gave up after that <<

And if that isn't bad enough, look at other inventions that he could just not figure out why they would not sell.

** An inflatable dartboard

*** A chocolate kettle

**** A soluble life-raft

****** A self-righting aspirin

******** A solar-powered torch (note this needed daylight to work as it had no battery to charge)

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Paddy Irishman goes to the vet with his goldfish in a bowl,

---- He tells the vet I think my goldfish has epilepsy ----

The vet looks at the goldfish and says he seems perfectly fine to me.

>>> Oh no says Paddy Irishman you have not taken him out of the bowl yet <<<<<

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Paddy Irishman goes for a job at a chemical factory,

--The factory manager asks him - Have you ever worked with chemicals before? --

-- Yes!" Paddy replies.--

---- The manager than asks - Can you tell me what nitrate is? ---

>> Paddy Irishman replies - I'm hoping its going to be time and a half. <<

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Question : What do you call an Irish woman with two TWATS....?

Answer : Jedward's Mum........ (In case your not Irish or from the UK just google Jedward)

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Two Irish men Paddy and Murphy go for a day out fishing -- But when they get to the bridge they realize they have forgotten their fishing equipment.

--- So Murphy comes up with an idea. “

-------- Paddy you hold me by the ankles over the bridge and when I see a fish I’ll grab it”

---- Great Idea said Paddy than Murphy hangs him over the side of the bridge.

---- All of a sudden Murphy shouts at Paddy ----

PULL me up quick for fxxxx sake.

Why shouts Paddy back -- have you caught a fish?”

>> NO Paddy - There’s a Fxxxxxx train coming <<

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There was once an Irishman named Paddy who walked into an American Bar.

He sat down and asked the Bartender "Give me three shots of' your finest Irish Whiskey!

The Bartender gladly serves him.

After about a week the bartender asks, "Paddy,

Would it be better for you if I put all three shots of Irish Whiskey into one glass?

Paddy replied -- well no.

See I have two other brothers back home, Tom and Owen, and every time I come into a Pub or Bar I order a shot for each of them so I can remember the good old times

After another week Paddy comes into the bar and only asks for two shots of Irish Whiskey.

-- The bartender immediately says Paddy, is everything alright?

----Did something happen to one of your brothers?

Oh no", Paddy said, "I just decided to quit drinking

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Paddy lay in hospital covered in bandages head to toe - with just two little slits for his eyes.

--- What happened to you?' asked Michael ---.

I fell out of the pub and a lorry hit me a glancing blow and knocked me through a glass window.

>>> Begod -- said Michael. 'It's a good job you were wearing those bandages or you'd have been cut to ribbons! <<<<<

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** Where can you find out about the blood relations of an Englishman?

>>>> In the family tree.

** Where can you find out about the blood relation of an Irishman?

>>>>> In the Dublin Phone Registry.

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One night, paddy & his wife were in bed and Paddy rolls over and gives his wife a big, knowing grin. His wife Immediately realising his intentions she says,

>> Not tonight darling.-- I have an appointment with the gynaecologist tomorrow morning and I want to stay fresh and clean.

Dejected and disappointed,Paddy rolls over and tries to get to sleep. But he was now just to worked up. So a few minutes later he rolls over and prods his wife again.

>>> Tell me -- Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow, too? <<<

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Paddy and Michael need a good drink but only have 50c between them.

Paddy has an idea he takes the money to the butchers and buys a sausage. They enter the first bar and order 2 pints of Beer and down them in one.

---- When the barman asks for the money,

Paddy puts the sausage into his fly and Murphy sucks it

--- The barman goes mental and kicks them both out

They keep doing this until they got to the tenth pub than Michael says

--- I cant do this anymore my knees have gone ---

>>> Paddy replies -- YOUR KNEES -- I lost the fxxxxxg sausage in the second pub <<<

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An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman all went to a hotel.

'Theres only one room left, and its on the top floor which is 90 floors up but the lift is broken so you'll have to take the stairs' said the hotel manager

But they still took the room and went up the stairs.

-- When they got to the 30th floor Paddy Englishman told a really sad story --

- A little while later when they got to the 60th floor the Scotsman told an even sadder story -

And finally, when they reached the top floor,the Irishman told the saddest story ever.

>>>> I have left the keys on the front counter <<<<

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An Irish man, an English man, a Scots man and a Welsh man were all on an airplane together when one of the engines fails.

-- The pilot explains the situation to the all of the passengers. He tells them if someone doesn't jump out they will all be dead.

---- He asks who is prepared to die for the greater good, adding that they will be remembered as a hero forever.

-- The brave Scots man says 'Ok then, i will do this for the glory of my country' and jumps out.

-- The pilot turns around and tells the remaining passengers that the plane is still going down and someone else must do the right thing.

-- The Welsh man tells every one - that as he is the oldest out of all the passengers, he will take the plunge, so he jumps out .

--- Again the pilot turns around and says,- its helping but we need one more to jump for the rest of the passengers to survive.

--- So the Irish man says 'well I hoped it wouldn't come to this, but I will do this for the greater good and for the glory of my country.

>>>> So he grabs the English man and throws him out the door. <<<

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An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were reading a newspaper article about which nationalities' brains were for sale for transplant purposes.

An Irishman's or a Scotsman's brain could be bought for 500euro but an Englishman's brain cost 10,000euro

That proves it said The Englishman- That Englishmen are much cleverer than Irishmen or Scotsmen.'

'No it doesn't,' said The Irishman,

>>> 'it just means that an Englishman's brain has never been used <<<<

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The Irish man says to his friend "

-- Can you give me a hand with this jigsaw,

---- Its supposed to be a tiger ---

>>> His friend says - Put the Frosties back in the box you thick git <<<<

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True Story well almost

How the Banks in Ireland done business during the boom years. Biggest Joke of all

It all started in a town called Killarney in the west of Ireland. (Great tourist place)

One day this American came to Killarney looking to stay in a nice hotel.

So as the American walked around he spotted this nice looking hotel. So in he goes to check the place out.

Once inside he walked up to reception and asked could he see a room before he decides if he will stay or not.

The man at reception was also the hotel owner.

So the owner looks at the American up and down and says.

You can go up and inspect any of the rooms once you put 100euros up on the counter here as security and when you are finished you can have your 100euros back.

Ok said the American, he thought it was a bit weird leaving 100euros on the counter, but said what the hell I am in Ireland after all. (Everything is weird in Ireland)

So of goes the American up the stairs to check out the rooms.

Now the hotel owner looked at the 100euros picked it up and walked down to the butcher shop with the money.

The hotel owner owed the butcher 100euros for meat that he got on credit, so he paid the butcher with the American's 100euro. The butcher said thanks very much that's your bill all cleared.

Now the butcher picked up the 100euro and went around to this prostitute that he owed 100euros for services provided in the past. The prostitute says thanks very much that's your bill all clear. (Yes you could get credit with prostitute during the boom)

Now the prostitute takes the 100euro and goes around to the hotel owner because she owed him 100euros for the use of a room every now and again.

The hotel owner says thanks very much, that's your bill all cleared and he puts the 100euros back on the counter.

Just than the American comes back down the stairs and says I don't think I will stay here. The hotel owner says that fine. The American takes his 100euros of the counter and leaves.

All bills have being paid but yet there was no money.

Just Like Ireland's Boom years. There was never any money there. Just money the German's put on the table. So we spent like mad. Bought loads drank loads partied like mad

Than one day them nasty Germans came looking for there money back. (O dear it was all Gone)

Have a Laugh with Candy

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A Blonde Irishwoman was on a shopping trip one day when she saw a real bargain in an appliance shop.

So up she goes to the salesman. I would like to buy this TV

Sorry said the salesman we don't sell to blondes.

--- The Irish blonde was very angry about this. ----

So She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back again the next day, and went up to the salesman,

----- I would like to buy this TV -----

Sorry said the salesman again -- But we don't sell to blondes --

** The Irish blonde did not know how he could of recognized her. So this time, she got a haircut plus a new colour, and a new outfit and to finish it of she also put on sunglasses. **

She then waited a few days before she went back into the shop.

When she went back in a few days. Up she goes to the Salesman

------ I want to Buy that TV ----

*** Sorry said the salesman But we don't sell to blondes ***

-- The Irish blonde was now totally frustrated, and had to ask how do you know I'm a blonde --

>>>>>> Because that's a microwave - he replied - <<<<<

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An Irishman goes into the doctor complaining about his wife, saying she has a terrible habit of staying up 'til three o'clock in the morning.

No matter what I say or do she just won't stop.

The Doctor asks him what on earth is she doing up till that time?

>>> Waitin' for me to come home <<<<<

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    • profile image

      Tony. 3 years ago

      Awful jokes that id cry if they were inside Christmas crackers.

    • profile image

      Ann 3 years ago

      Well you made my day. I love the first one.

    • caseymel profile image

      caseymel 3 years ago from Indiana

      That was funny! I will have to show this to my husband. He is Irish.

    • billybuc profile image

      Bill Holland 3 years ago from Olympia, WA

      I was laughing so hard after the first joke that I had tears in my eyes. Great laughs; glad I took a break from writing to read this.