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5 Ways to Cope with a Mother Suffering from a Personality Disorder ~ for Daughters!

Updated on October 16, 2013

The peace rose.


In hopes that all daughters will feel appreciated, even if not by their own mothers.

It's a known fact that a lot of women suffer from mental illness. What's not necessarily well known is that the very people who suffer from it often project negative images of themselves on to their own daughters.

It's also known that many people suffer in silence with the stigmas of mental illness that society has attached to the term. While often, people with mental illness are wonderful people that raise families of their own, there are some who lack the ability to interact normally with their daughters.

This article is intended to explore the characteristics and definitions of five personality disorders. When someone endures abuse by someone with mental illness, the whole family dynamic changes. We are going to strategically review five ways to cope with a mother who has mental illness that has been abusive to her daughter(s).

Many people will say they've never known anyone with mental illness. In fact, some people may never even have heard of situations where a daughter is abused because of a mother's mental illness.

Make no mistake. These illnesses are real and are often swept under the carpet. People are either embarrassed or ashamed because of the stigma and lack of understanding there is about these issues. Often times, no one can relate to a woman who was raised by a mother with mental illness which leaves a person feeling alone in this world.

However, like anything else, just because someone has mental illness does not automatically make them abusive. We will review a case study of a young woman who suffered decades of abuse by her mother.

Women are beautiful. We are most often caretakers of others. We raise our families. We earn a living. We watch our children play outside while we bake fresh banana bread in our kitchens. We often have many talents. We are the ultimate expectation in a chaotic world.

Yet there is this one element to being a woman that is often misunderstood or is not recognized.

Women are often abused. We grow up, have a family, get married, and find ourselves not able to live an independent, mature life with the same applause we received when taking our first steps at age one.

Once we find ourselves dependent in situations where we expect nurturing and care from the same mothers we were born from, we often find ourselves at the mercy of someone we'd like to forget.

While at the same time being scrutinized and criticized for not respecting or bowing down to the one woman who gave us life.

Ultimately, in a cruel twist of fate, many woman marry men just like their mothers. They find themselves trapped in an endless sea of despair, exasperation, and desperation to remove themselves from the reality they are living.

How does one go on to freedom? How does one find themselves when they have been the victim of emotional and mental abuse, often physical abuse as well? How does one go beyond and never look back?

*Disclaimer. While the events in this article are written from actual experiences, this by no means replaces medical advice.*

Do you believe actions speak louder than words?

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1. How to love yourself when others don't.

The first step to understanding how a daughter could feel unloved by her mother would be to examine the elements of the relationship.

For example, what does the mother say or do, or does not say and does not do, to make the daughter believe she is not loved?

Many daughters may say in their lifetime that they felt unloved or their mom made them feel sad. This is possibly a normal part of upbringing. Everyone has emotions. Feelings get hurt. It happens.

However, in a situation where a daughter truly feels unloved, usually there are factual circumstances which coincide with events that make a person feel this way.

When a person comes to you as a friend and tells you that they feel that their mother doesn't love them, sometimes it's evident that their relationship had a bad day. As a friend, you will be more than compelled to assure your friend her mother loves her dearly.

But, when a person comes to you as a friend and tells you that they know their mother doesn't love them and recites specific facts pointing to this conclusion, it's most likely they are telling the truth.

There is no evidence that all mothers love their children. In fact, there is overwhelming evidence to the contrary. That some mothers truly do not care about their children!

Unfortunately, many people grow up surrounded by well-intending relatives to counter the idea it's possible that their mother doesn't love them. The relatives think they are doing what's best for the daughter and tell her that the mother is a very loving and caring mother. In this act of pretentious kindness, the daughter is actually harmed more. It gives an overall feeling that the mother is rightfully unloving the child because all of the relatives agree with the mother's unusual cruelty toward the child. (Years ago this was encountered mainly in abusive situations toward children before states started recognizing child abuse and pro-actively helping children through it.)

Through growing up around people with good intentions, one begins to develop a sense of security. But over time, as the daughter grows up and becomes a young woman, the security simply disappears. Relatives start to acknowledge that the daughter was right all along. They start telling the daughter stories of the horrible acts the mother has committed against herself and others.

The trust that the daughter superficially created between the relatives is now depleted, as the truth rolls in. The daughter now feels vulnerable. She believes that people lied to her instead of helping her understand her mother's intolerable behavior toward her when she was younger.

In some situations, this will result in the daughter feeling completely unloved. Now, not only does she feel her mother never loved her, but also the family had so little respect for her that they must not love her either.

This is the point where the daughter has to choose. Does she stand by this family who she feels taunts her? Or does she go in her own direction to become her own independent person? She has feelings of her own and wants to go her own way. She wants to leave the past behind.

How does a daughter love herself when she feels others do not love her?

  1. She could seek therapeutic help if afforded by insurance.
  2. She could move to an area where no one knows her name.
  3. She could face her mother and tell her how it felt growing up unloved.
  4. She could put up the invisible stop sign, move on and never look back.

Each choice has a consequence. Table A explains this in greater depth.

Table A. Consequences.
Therapy. Seeking therapy will help the daughter recover and heal from past abuses. But the daughter must be ready. There is an unfortunate stigma that goes along with therapy. Often it leads people to feel unworthy or even more less confident about themselves. However, therapy is nothing to look down upon. There are many truly caring and committed therapists that help people every day. This should always be recognized as a positive choice toward finding inner peace.
Moving. Obviously, not everyone can up and move on a whim. For the young and single, this is a recommended choice. It's an open door to start over. Moving will eliminate the toxic enivornment.
Facing your mother. This one sometimes has extremely cruel consequences. Especially if the mother thinks she has done no wrong, or will not accept any responsibility. Many mothers in this situation tear their daughters to shreds leaving a cold and unfriendly dialogue for years to come.
Put up a stop sign. Envision a stop sign in your mind. If the above choices are not within your reach, avoid negative tensions and people by stopping it in its tracks.

Natural Ruby Crystals.

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2. Know your worth!

A daughter is priceless. No one can ever fulfill your shoes.

You are worth and loved far more than you can ever imagine.

There are many women who cannot have children. It's a painful thought to bear. But even more so, is the thought that these same women who would love to have a daughter of their own, and often times never get the chance.

To think about a daughter who feels unloved and worthless is shameful.

From the time you were conceived, to the time you took your first breath, to the time you became an adult, you were loved.

Even if it wasn't your mother who loved you, I promise you that you are truly special. You are a beautiful individual and unique from anyone else on this earth. That in itself makes you truly worthy, but it's not all that could be applied to your life.

Your life is very special and important. I believe, everyone has a purpose. There is a reason for you to be here. Therefore, don't waste a single ounce of your happiness and joy succumbing to the negative aspects of a mother and daughter relationship where all love is lost.

Think about the love you have to share with others.

Your mother's life is not yours. It doesn't matter what your mother did in her life. Only your mother is accountable for that. You are only accountable to you.

Be brave, be strong, conquer the world with your unique independence.

3. Have Hope!

There is an old expression that Home is Where the Heart Is!

I'd like to think that Hope is Where the Heart Is!

Just because your mother didn't show her love and affection to you, her beautiful daughter, does not mean all is lost for your own life.

Your life is so much more hopeful now that you come to realize that you are loved and worthy!

Even in down times, there is much to be said for your life.

  1. Make a list of accomplishments.
  2. Make a list of bad things.
  3. Don't dwell on the negative aspects of your life. Rather use those to see how much you accomplished despite the hard times you went through.
  4. Keep that hope alive in your heart. Someday when you look back, you'll see how you did nothing to deserve this from your mother. You didn't ask for this.
  5. There is a bright future ahead of you around the corner. This means that it starts with you. Put aside the negative words and damage your mother did to you. Start today and focus on your own strengths and abilities.

4. Be in charge of your feelings.

I attended a seminar one time and the speaker said you have to be in charge of your own feelings. No one can make you feel a certain way.

On a scale of one to ten, think about how you feel.

Use the sample chart, Table B, to record your feelings.

Example, in our day to day living, how does it feel when you are cut in line at the grocery store?

It might be a pet peeve, you find it rude, but all in all, it's probably a 3 or 4 on the scale of best to worst. It's not the end of the world. It might make you mad for a few minutes, but you get over it as soon as the fresh air hits you when you walk to your car out in the parking lot.

Now, describe how you feel when your mother constantly berates you for not cleaning your home despite it being spotless. You work effortlessly to keep a clean home, and your mother always wears a white glove to inspect when she comes over. You feel you cannot bond with her at all, even though you are an adult. She judges you over a speck of dust on the fireplace mantle but doesn't show any support over the fact that you just had surgery. She doesn't offer to make you a cup of tea, or watch your children. She puts all of the burden and blame on you. You must have caused this upon yourself. It was from eating too many restaurant meals and not making them yourself at home like a good little wife would do for her family. How does that make you feel? Are you at a 10 yet?

1 = Best/10 = Worst

5. Keep life in perspective.

Someone asked me recently what do I fear?

I honestly responded that I used to fear abusive people in my life. They were once very cruel and I feared they would harm me, even though they really only ever used empty threats to bully or harass me.

I'm sharing that perspective with you so you'll understand that life is all about perspective. While verbal threats often turn in to acts of physical assault, most threats are just that.

I never understood why people felt the need to brutalize someone, especially their own daughter, through empty threats and yelling. It is often an act of rage. A mother becomes incensed by her daughter's looks, acts, desires, etc., and the mother expresses her displeasure with the daughter's tastes or choices.

This in itself, in my opinion, becomes abusive when it is constant and done only through manipulation to gain control over the daughter.

I'm not suggesting however, that by telling your daughter for instance that she's had enough milk to drink is abusive. A thoughtful and caring mother will set boundaries and guidelines for their children. It's natural to guide your child through life.

The situation I am referring to is when a mother lives with pent up hostility and rage to the point they threaten, harass, intimidate, verbally, emotionally and physically abuse their daughter, no matter what age.

Even when the daughter becomes an adult, the mother doesn't change her ways. In fact, she becomes even more aggressive toward the daughter, often sabotaging the daughter's life!

In some instances, mothers have been known to mistreat their daughters to the point of bullying them publicly, at restaurants, at churches, at school, and now dreadfully online where the environment breeds conflict and toxicity.

This is the mother's way of gaining mental control and torturing their daughter in a cruel and sick twisted mentality all the while claiming they love their daughter.

The mother uses the word Love as a four-letter word.

It's ultimately when the daughter realizes, confronts, and let's go of this type of antagonizing relationship, she can truly see clearer through her own perspective.

Were you mentally, emotionally, or abused by your mother? Did this article help in any way?

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Recognizing mental illness in your mother.

The next table describes five types of personality disorders and characteristics of each.

You may recognize some or all of these in your mother.

Some people may have one personality disorder, and others may have symptoms of several.

This is no way a medical diagnosis.

A person cannot truly get help until they are ready to face themselves.

Types of Personality Disorders
Borderline Personality Disorder
Significant emotional instability leading to mental and behavioral problems.
Feeling of self-worthlessness and fundamentally flawed. Angry, impulsive, and moody. Having the desire for loving and lasting relationships. Aware of destructive behavior but unable to change it. Short but intense episodes of anxiety or depression. Inappropriate antagonistic behavior resulting in fights. Feeling misunderstood. Fear of being alone.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder
A belief that they are superior. Extremely slighted by criticism.
Inflated self importance. Fantasizing about power. Exaggerating achievements. Expecting constant attention. Lack of empathy. Expecting others to participate in your schemes. Taking advantage of others. Expressing disdain for those you feel are inferior. Jealous. Trouble keeping relationships. Feeling easily hurt and rejected. Having low self-esteem. Appearing tough.
Histrionic Personality Disorder
High need for attention. Make loud and inappropriate appearances. Exaggerate behaviors and emotions. Crave stimulation. Provocative behavior. Easily influenced by others.
Egocentric, self-indulgent, continuous longing for appreciation, and persistent manipulative behavior to achieve their own needs. Excessive sensitivity to disapproval. Prideful and unwilling to change. Using physical illness to gain attention. A need to be the center of attention. Low toleratance for frustration. Rapidly shifting emotions that appear superficial. Believing relationships are more intimate than they are. Making rash decisions. Blaming personal failures on others. Overly dramatic.
Dependent Personality Disorder
Psychological dependence on other people to meet emotional and pyshical needs.
Meeting unreasonable demands and submit to abuse and intimidation to avoid isolation.
Antisocial Personality Disorder
A person's perceptions are dysfunctional and destructive.
Antagonistic, Manipulative, Harsh treatmet of others, and Callous Indifference. Lack of empathy. Liar. Impulsive. Possibly violent. Unable to fulfill responsbilities related to family, school, or work.

Definition of Personality Disorder.

A type of mental illness. Creates trouble perceiving and relating to situations and people, often times oneself.

Rigid and unhealthy pattern of thinking and behaving no matter what the circumstances of a situation.

Significant problems in relationships, social encounters, work, and school.

Blaming others for challenges faced.

Text-Book Example.

Now that you've read through this article and learned how to cope with a mother with a mental disorder, and in addition learning about five different personality disorders and how they may contribute to hostile relationships between you and your mother, here is a text-book example of a mother with possibly more than one type of personality disorder.

You decide which one or more of the personality disorders listed here fit this behavior. Please leave your comments below for discussion. I welcome your feedback. I've engaged a reader's poll at the end of the study.

Character study of a daughter named Stephanie. (The story is based on true events. Characters and situations may have been partially changed to protect the innocent.)

Stephanie was a bright and beautiful young woman. She had accomplished so much during her young life. She was a good student and studied relentlessly during school, eventually landing a prestigious career.

Stephanie's mother displayed the following characteristics often while Stephanie was growing up:

  • Anger toward life.
  • Rage toward Stephanie resulting in physical abuse.
  • Wounds left by Stephanie's mother that required stitches or medical treatment.
  • Manipulation and deceit. Stephanie's mother would often tell Stephanie that a man lived in the moon and watched every move she made and would report back to her mother if she disobeyed.
  • Name-calling tactics. Stephanie's mother would tell her lie after lie and then call her gullible for believing the lies.
  • Abandonment. Stephanie's mother would abandon her at times so she could partake in parties and hang around with unscrupulous individuals.
  • Neglect. Stephanie's mother would make Stephanie stay outside all day without shade from the sun or sunscreen until Stephanie would blister and have to be treated for burns at a hospital.
  • Humiliation. Stephanie's mother would often tell Stephanie's friends embarrassing things that only a mother should know about her daughter. It humiliated Stephanie to tears and made Stephanie the laughingstock of her childhood classmates.
  • Controlling. Stephanie's mother would yell at Stephanie for being sick or make Stephanie wear clothing such as wool sweaters that Stephanie was allergic to despite protests.

Once Stephanie became an adult, the party seemed to just get started. Her mother was out-of-control:

  • Inciting threatened violence toward Stephanie while she was pregnant with her first child.
  • Instilling fear in Stephanie by telling her paranoid delusions about what other people are going to do to Stephanie.
  • Refusing to participate in major life events, but barging in unexpectedly on Stephanie's home and demanding Stephanie do something for her, while Stephanie was left with no help and mounting piles of chores to do for her own family.
  • Often yelling, shouting, or swearing at Stephanie and then abruptly hanging up telephone calls, telling Stephanie the phone call was simply disconnected, and refusing to admit that she hung up the phone on her.
  • Intruding in to Stephanie's relationships with her other relatives, telling them that Stephanie was a bad person and making up rumors and gossiping to destroy Stephanie's relationships with family.
  • Harassing Stephanie's husband at work by calling relentlessly until the supervisor stepped in.
  • Setting up secret meetings with other family members or Stephanie's co-workers to explain her side of the situation and slandering Stephanie without any facts.
  • Creating drama in Stephanie's life after being requesting multiple times to stop.
  • Trying to hurt Stephanie by holding private parties and excluding Stephanie.
  • Obnoxiously intruding on Stephanie's plans for her children's birthday parties, showing up to them and abruptly leaving before the cake was cut or gifts were open.
  • Belittling Stephanie by downplaying her efforts as a mother and as a business owner who contributed to her family's finances by insinuating Stephanie just liked to play all day and what she did really didn't amount to much.
  • Resorting to mob mentality when Stephanie would stick up for herself and ask her mother to stay away from her. Her mother would incite riots so that others would harass and bully Stephanie through the internet, in letters through the mail, or phone calls.
  • Calling Stephanie names and telling her she was fat even though Stephanie had worked so hard to maintain her weight after her children were born.
  • Intentionally excluding Stephanie from events while telling everyone that Stephanie was nothing but a troublemaker and not wanted around.
  • Telling Stephanie she would call her or come help her, and then never calling back or showing up for weeks, even months. Then expect Stephanie to pick up where they left off like they are long lost best pals.
  • Never keeping Stephanie's best interest in mind, including plastering rumors and making up tall tales to post on the internet to gain self-promotion and satisfaction while watching Stephanie feel betrayed and hurt.
  • Always being a downer to Stephanie, never uplifting her accomplishments and criticizing her for trying.
  • Always blaming Stephanie for everything that her mother perceived was wrong with Stephanie's life, even when Stephanie felt at peace and was doing well in life.
  • Sabotaging Stephanie's health care by lying to doctors and hospital staff, and posing as Stephanie's spokesperson when Stephanie was too sick to speak for herself.

Please answer and comment below.

Is Stephanie's mother a candidate for one or more of the personality disorders listed above? Or is Stephanie's mother just a relentless bully?

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The difference with bullying.

In the above example, Stephanie suffered through a lifetime of abuse at her mother's control.

Despite relentlessly trying to escape the torturous life, Stephanie was always threatened, stalked, and harassed.

When Stephanie would request her mother stop contacting her, she would start harassing Stephanie's husband at work.

It sounds like a Lifetime movie gone bad. But these events are based on a true story.

When someone endures a lifetime of relentless tactics, I would consider that abuse.

What makes bullying different? While it may be included in Stephanie's situation as another form of abuse toward her, it's clearly not everything that is going on.

Most often, bullies will stop when they get bored. If the person intended as recipient of the bullying is no longer fun, the bully moves on. Sometimes however, it is escalated to a point of rage, and becomes dangerous.

Cyberbullying is a growing problem. It's not just children bullying other children though.

When a mother abuses her daughter further by posting in online forums and humiliates her daughter online, or spreads private information about her daughter on Facebook or any other public social media site, it may have unintended permanent harmful results.

It's been said that bullies hide behind computer screens and would never say face-to-face what they say online. I can say for a fact, this is a false statement. While bullies may hide behind a screen and type hateful comments and suggestive threats, some of them will take it up in person with the targeted victim. It's not uncommon for a bullied person to feel so humiliated and cheated out of life that they take their own life!

More and more accounts of unthinkable tragedies are being reported in the news daily.

It brings me to my point that many children are bullied by their peers, but are also being bullied at home by mothers with personality disorders. How hurtful it must be to live in the shoes of one that can not escape the pain and constant torment of being victimized by individuals who use others for their own sick and perverse satisfaction?

What victims can do.
What bystanders can do.
Limit online socializing to true friends and block everyone who distresses you.
Cease spreading gossip or hurtful comments from Facebook and online social sites.
Avoid and ignore drama online.
Stop flaming. Do not engage or participate in a smearing campaign of an individual.
Report offenders.
Stand up when you know the victim is hurting. Be the bigger person and stick up for those who can't defend themselves.
Never retaliate.
Do not engage in vendettas. Instead, console the hurting loved one.

The apple analogy.

Life has a round-a-bout way of telling us everything will be ok.

Apples have and always have been food to nourish us with.

The shape of an apple is determined by rootstock selection.

The apple peel serves to protect the inner most meat of the apple.

The core of the matter is where the apple grows from.

Apples have tough skin, but bruise easily.

Plant good seeds. Wait for maturity. When the apple ripens, it is time to reap what you've sewn.


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    • Natalie Frank profile image

      Natalie Frank 

      2 years ago from Chicago, IL

      Wow - what an amazing article! I am really impressed by the amount of information that have included. I think your article is really useful for educating people about personality disorders and how they play out in real life and for providing suggestions as to how women who have a mother with one of the disorders can cope. Thanks for a well written article!

    • wordswithlove profile image

      Neetu M 

      5 years ago from USA

      You are welcome, Crafty.

    • CraftytotheCore profile imageAUTHOR


      5 years ago

      Hi Wordswithlove, thanks so much for stopping by and for your gracious comments here. You expressed your thoughts very eloquently and right on.

    • wordswithlove profile image

      Neetu M 

      5 years ago from USA

      It is a tragic fact of life that disorders like these tarnish the self-image of children. We are often left wondering what we did to deserve this when one of life's most natural processes - being born - is not something we chose. A mother's love is the most fundamental need in a child's life, so we feel totally perplexed and lost when it doesn't quite come that way.

      Well-written and well thought out advice! After all, none of our mothers' disorders are our fault!

    • CraftytotheCore profile imageAUTHOR


      5 years ago

      HI Vespawoolf. Everything you said here is right on. Thank you for your comments.

    • vespawoolf profile image

      Vespa Woolf 

      5 years ago from Peru, South America

      This experience will be very helpful for others who have suffered abuse at the hands of mentally ill mothers. I appreciate all the steps you mention: getting help and then finally putting up a figurative stop sign and not looking back. Those steps are important by those who suffer from abusive childhoods. There are mothers who don't love their children, but I firmly believe those mothers are very ill and therefore cannot love. A daughter who understands that is on her way to building her own self esteem and a better life as an adult. Thank you for sharing.

    • CraftytotheCore profile imageAUTHOR


      5 years ago

      Hi Jackie! Thank you for your comments. It's so nice to see you today! :D

    • Jackie Lynnley profile image

      Jackie Lynnley 

      5 years ago from The Beautiful South

      It is so sad for children to have an ill mother that sometimes they don't even realize what normal is. I know a family like that and I doubt the children would ever put down their mom even though they never had a childhood because if her. So hard to understand the fairness of life sometimes. Guess then there are the good mothers with bad there you go...Great hub for thought! ^+

    • CraftytotheCore profile imageAUTHOR


      5 years ago

      Hi Shyron! Thank you so much for your wonderful comments. Your input is truly appreciated.

    • Shyron E Shenko profile image

      Shyron E Shenko 

      5 years ago from Texas

      This is an awesome hub and voted that way, voted up, UABI, like on fb, shared and pinned on Amazing HubPages.

      The secrets of my mother daughter relationship are buried with my mom. I know Mom loved me, and I loved her, but, I will leave it at that.

    • CraftytotheCore profile imageAUTHOR


      5 years ago

      That is very true Rebecca. Very wise words. Thank you so much for commenting and your valuable input.

    • Rebecca Furtado profile image

      Rebecca Furtado 

      5 years ago from Anderson, Indiana

      This is an excellent article .Yet , many times older women do not have personality disorders as much as they were denied ways to gain a sense of personal accomplishment in a world that did not see women as more than wives and mothers. Many just learned to behave dysfunctional ways

      as a result. It was their way of being heard.

    • CraftytotheCore profile imageAUTHOR


      5 years ago

      Thank you so much Joe for your kind and supportive comments. "Loving bouquets"...Love it! Hugs right back at you! :D

    • hawaiianodysseus profile image

      Hawaiian Odysseus 

      5 years ago from Southeast Washington state

      Brandi, you got guts, girl! And, yes indeed, this was a powerful and therapeutic way for you to put past demons to rest. Thank you for your courage and forthrightness! All things considered, you're craftytothecore emotionally and spiritually as well, transforming all that pain and hurt into loviing bouquets for the soul. Hugs and aloha, my friend!


    • CraftytotheCore profile imageAUTHOR


      6 years ago

      Thank you very much Alicia for your wonderful comments.

    • AliciaC profile image

      Linda Crampton 

      6 years ago from British Columbia, Canada

      This is a wonderful hub, Crafty! It's full of thought provoking and helpful suggestions for dealing with a very unpleasant situation. Well done!

    • CraftytotheCore profile imageAUTHOR


      6 years ago

      Hi Samita! So nice to see you. Thank you for commenting.

    • CraftytotheCore profile imageAUTHOR


      6 years ago

      Thank you so much EP! I appreciate your thoughtful comments.

    • epbooks profile image

      Elizabeth Parker 

      6 years ago from Las Vegas, NV

      Awesome article here all around. It is clear that you put a lot of work into this and gave such helpful advice. There are so many people who feel "alone" and this hub is a great starting point for them. Wonderfully written, Crafty. Voted up and shared!

    • CraftytotheCore profile imageAUTHOR


      6 years ago

      Thank you for your thoughtful and kind comments Wetnose!

    • wetnosedogs profile image


      6 years ago from Alabama

      You have touched the hearts of many moms and daughters.

      May all the moms and daughters be loved, feel loved and be happy.

      Great work.

      Sharing this.

    • CraftytotheCore profile imageAUTHOR


      6 years ago

      Hi Sha! I had quite the day yesterday. It sucked. I felt I had to write this to get it off my mind so I don't dwell on it and hold it inside. When I do that, I can't function. Because then all I want to do is think about the negative junk. Life is too full of negative junk to begin with. My drawer overfloweth. So, I had to write this to let it go.

      My mother never even gave me the courtesy of telling me who my bio dad was. I had to go searching on my own when I started having medical problems. I found his mug shot in a newspaper. Then I tracked down some of his relatives and was able to contact one that lives 2 towns over. She won't have a thing to do with me. I finally convinced a relative to let me in on who my father really was and I was told, "he met me when I was born and told me goodbye when I was a few years old because he was moving". It's just so petty that my mother kept this from me my entire life. Literally, until 2 years ago, I had no idea I was Italian!

      It warms my heart to hear about moms like yours. You came together in a loving way. That's what I've only wished for.

      Thank you so much for your tremendously generous comment my friend. I feel better already! :D

    • CraftytotheCore profile imageAUTHOR


      6 years ago

      Hi Mel! So true, my friend, that's half the battle. Thanks so much for commenting!

    • bravewarrior profile image

      Shauna L Bowling 

      6 years ago from Central Florida

      Crafty, I am so glad to see you letting it all out. It's the only way you will heal.

      I have often wondered how my son perceives me. I did drugs before I ever thought of having him. I drank and I still drink. Sometimes he yells at me but more often than not he thanks me for being the mom I am to him and he hugs me every day and tells me he loves me. Obviously, I've done something right.

      My mom divorced my real father when I was 6. I was forbidden contact with him and her new husband adopted me and my brother when I was 8. I was so angry from then on. When I became pregnant, I mustered up the balls to call my mom and tell her I had to find my father because I couldn't raise the child that was forming in my belly properly if I didn't find an end to my sorrow and anger over all those years. I would either be accepted by 'Daddy' or I'd be rejected. I had to know and was willing to accept the outcome.

      To my delight, I was accepted. Oh, boy I have to tell you, finding Daddy was no easy feat because he was a retired Major and fighter pilot in the Air Force. But I persisted.

      I have two fathers who love me and each knows I'm in touch with the other. So does Mom. No more secrets. No more anger. I am blessed to be loved by both fathers and my mother.

      It tears my heart out that you didn't have the love of your mother. You're a mother and have special needs children. You see how much they need you. Thank God for your Grandparents who showed you how to love.

      Love makes the world go 'round.

      Get it out, girl. Get all your frustrations, anger and questions out. You will be cleansed and able to be there for yourself and those who depend on you to help them become the people God intends.



      P.S. I know your name is Brandi, but I really like Crafty. It fits you!

    • Mel Carriere profile image

      Mel Carriere 

      6 years ago from San Diego California

      Very comprehensive analysis of mental illness. I think we all know someone who meets these criteria, but we never admit they are sick so they never get help. Great hub!

    • CraftytotheCore profile imageAUTHOR


      6 years ago

      Hi Chloe! Having a mother with issues can certainly make one feel alone. I assure you there are many of us daughters that have had to deal with this. All walks of life. I know a therapist and other professional, as well as young women who have had similar experiences. Thank you so much for commenting!

    • profile image

      Chloe Delgado 

      6 years ago

      Stephanie's mother sounds a lot like mine. My mother has a narcisistic personality disorder and growing up was tough. This article helped me see I am not alone. It is well written and factual. Thank you for sharing this.

    • CraftytotheCore profile imageAUTHOR


      6 years ago

      Kidscrafts, My husband is like a support beam! He is fabulous through these situations. And I honestly don't know what I would have done without him. For a while I was a single mother. It took all of me to ignore and avoid the ridiculousness. It was then when I found the strength I needed to pull myself up out of the rubble and realize that I had all I needed without the people in my life who tried to keep me down with negativity. It really does feel therapeutic to release my feelings in to words. Thank you for your thoughtful encouragement.

    • kidscrafts profile image


      6 years ago from Ottawa, Canada

      I can totally imagine how you feel! For me I have a very supportive and very kind husband :-)

      With time passing, I think the lesson I have taken from my experience is that as a mother, this is our time to give a quality time to our own children and we have to let go of the "noise" around us. I wish I had that experience and courage a lot younger than I had. As a friend of mine would say.... live an learn.

      My last comment to one of the nasty things my mother said...."it doesn't belong to me". It felt so good.... and she didn't find an answer to it :-)

      I know that you also lived through difficult times with your son and the school system. You don't need extra stress. I wish you strength and courage! Writing is always good :-) And you did it beautifully!

    • CraftytotheCore profile imageAUTHOR


      6 years ago

      Oh Kidscrafts! Thank you so much for your heart-felt response and sharing your story. I would love to move far away. I just don't know where to begin. It's very overwhelming to me.

      That's so wonderful that you had a loving mother-in-law. That must have been a tremendous help to you!

    • kidscrafts profile image


      6 years ago from Ottawa, Canada

      What a great article, Crafty! My throat was constricting while reading your article and I have teary eyes while I am commenting ... because I know how it feels.

      For a long time, in my logic, a mother should love without condition but unfortunately it's not always that way. I think a mother who doesn't have a fiber of maternal sense in her must have suffer a great deal as a child and I know it's the case of my mother. When it's like that with insidious manipulation, no respect, no love, it's better to separate from the hurt. It took me a looooonnnnnng time but I did it and I feel a lot better. A good way to separate from the hurt is also to move physically away..... in my case.... 4000 miles. Now, I can start to spread my wings :-)

      I was quite lucky to have had a wonderful mother in law. She was like a mother to me; she even came for each birth of my kids to help..... and also just like that even if it was a long trip! Unfortunately, she past away; but at least I have wonderful memories of her!

      Thanks again for sharing this powerful hub! You are a great writer!

      Voted up, useful, interesting and awesome!

      Have a great day, Crafty!

    • CraftytotheCore profile imageAUTHOR


      6 years ago

      DDE, thank you from the bottom of my heart for your kind words. I have met with several friends this past few weeks who tell me unthinkable cruelty they felt at the hands of their mothers. Having a hostile relationship with my own, I can understand how they totally feel. I felt this needed to be brought to light.

    • CraftytotheCore profile imageAUTHOR


      6 years ago

      Thank you so much Faith! You are right, sometimes it is passed from generations. I truly value your input here. Thanks so much for commenting.

    • CraftytotheCore profile imageAUTHOR


      6 years ago

      Flourish, thank you so much! I truly value your input and kind comments.

    • CraftytotheCore profile imageAUTHOR


      6 years ago

      Billy, it's one of those things that no one wants to talk about. I think awareness is so important to the young women suffering in silence. Thank you so much for commenting my friend.

    • CraftytotheCore profile imageAUTHOR


      6 years ago

      Lyricwriter, thank you with a big heart-felt hug for your very generous and kind words!

    • DDE profile image

      Devika Primić 

      6 years ago from Dubrovnik, Croatia

      My mother and I get on well but never agree on anything though we have a good mother and daughter relationship this is one of your best hubs and so much of truth. Any child should feel their parents' love that is the the best start for any child to know and feel emotions. I do know a girl who suffered verbal and physical abuse from her mother it was terrible the girl ran away from her home she couldn't take it anymore. You have written an extraordinary hub on this subject

    • Faith Reaper profile image

      Faith Reaper 

      6 years ago from southern USA

      Such a powerful write to bring awareness to such a heartbreaking truth. I was blessed to have the sweetest mothers on the planet, at least in my eyes. All children should feel loved by their parents, especially their mother, just the thought of such is so hard to digest, but I know it happens every second of every day. Sometimes, it is passed down from generation to generation.

      Thank you for this brilliant and profound piece.

      Up and more and sharing

      Hugs, Faith Reaper

    • FlourishAnyway profile image


      6 years ago from USA

      Very powerful, informative and moving hub. Voted up and more, plus pinned. It deserves to get a lot of traffic.

    • billybuc profile image

      Bill Holland 

      6 years ago from Olympia, WA

      This is such an important article, Brandi. Well done my friend. Abuse in this country is at epidemic proportions and growing daily. The only way to stop it....the only by raising awareness one community at a time. I hope you plan on submitting this to your local newspapers and magazines. This article must be read by thousands.

    • thelyricwriter profile image

      Richard Ricky Hale 

      6 years ago from West Virginia

      Bravo on one of the best articles that I've ever read on this subject manner. Wow, a lot to chew on this one. I was blessed to have a loving mother and father. There's no way that I could possibly describe feeling in such a scenario. We know a lot about mental illness in 2013, more so then ever before. Even so, many things are not completely understood. The subject breaks my heart to be honest cause I know others are suffering from such abuse and occurrences. I'm glad that they have such a great resource that provides great information. You really did a number on this one. You've listed great headings that help in understanding and the healing process. I believe a main key that one can take away from this is the fact that their not alone on this. I know it must be hard, even harder to recover from years of brutal abuse. This type of behavior stowed upon someone can ruin them for life. Getting help ASAP is surely a recommendation. Even so, I imagine that it's nearly impossible to fully recover from such abuse.

      Big A+ on this one Crafty, voted up, useful, awesome, interesting, beautiful, and shared on Facebook.


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