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Adopted Children and Feelings of Abandonment
To all of you who are adopted….I understand! I have been there…I have walked in your shoes…I have experienced the conflicting emotions…I understand!
We are members of an exclusive club and yet we never applied for membership. We share a commonality with millions of others we have never met. No matter the color of our skin, our age, our sexual orientation or our religion, we have a bond. We are kindred spirits and as such we will always understand at least a little bit about each other.
We are the throwaway kids, harsh words for sure and yet most adopted children at one time or another will feel that way. In today’s world we would be called the recycled children and as such we are living, breathing poster children for the Green Revolution. Why buy new when used is oh so practical?
The questions we have are many; the feelings we have are often unresolved. Whereas giving birth is considered the ultimate act of love, we are the walking, talking examples of love taking a detour, that life does not always follow a script and that there is often a gigantic distance between wishing and reality.
Welcome to the world of the adopted children of the world, the castaways, the abandoned, the unwanted and the unplanned for. Stated in such a way it all sounds rather bleak doesn’t it? And yet it is often the best thing possible for adoption has meant happiness, contentment and a sense of love and belonging for millions who would otherwise have had no hope at all.
Despite the success stories, no matter the many out there who have acclimated to their situation and who have flourished, there is one link that most if not all share: at one time and possibly still all adopted children feel abandoned by their birth parents. It is as natural as breathing for an adopted child and it is a feeling that must be faced, discussed and dealt with.
I understand. I am one of you. Please, read on and let us now deal with this issue.
My Story
Perhaps I am the best to write this article because I am one of the success stories. I am an adopted child who had a wonderful life because of adoption and because of that fact I have no hidden agenda or deep feelings of bitterness. I am simply an adopted child who knows that what I say is true.
I have told my story several times in the past but for those who haven’t read it I was adopted at the age of nine months from Catholic Services in Tacoma, Washington. Before my adoption I had shuttled between several foster homes; for whatever reason (maybe I cried too much) and at the time of my adoption I was blind. When my adopted parents, Dale and Evelyn Holland, finally did adopt me they were told that I had “Failure To Thrive Syndrome,” a fairly common occurrence where a baby does not develop all senses because of the lack of nurturing. Within one month of being adopted and receiving proper nurturing I had my sight and my life in the seeing world commenced.
I was raised in a very loving manner and had an extremely happy childhood. No adopted child could ask for a better home to grow up in; I really was quite fortunate and I will forever be grateful to my parents for loving me the way they did. I was told about my adoption at a very young age; in fact, I simply don’t remember it so I will assume that it was handled in the most loving of ways. It seems I have always known that I was adopted and I really do not recall “the talk.” That fact alone speaks volumes about the way my parents handled what could have been a traumatic situation.
I never spoke to my parents about the feelings of abandonment; to do so would have hurt my mother and there was no reason for me to do that. It really has only been in the last couple of years that I have discussed this issue with anyone. It is one of those nagging, annoying thoughts that sit in the back of your brain and will occasionally surface, bringing with it feelings of inadequacy and a belief, whether valid or not, that you are unlovable. What else could a child feel? All that is known for a fact is that your birth mother gave you up at birth. Although there quite possibly (and probably) are very valid reasons for her doing so there is still a sense of failure and of not being worthy of love.
My Kindle book on adoption
- Amazon.com: LIVIN' LARGE AND LOVIN' LIFE AS AN ADOPTED CHILD eBook: William D. Holla
LIVIN' LARGE AND LOVIN' LIFE AS AN ADOPTED CHILD - Kindle edition by William D. Holland. Download it once and read it on your Kindle device, PC, phones or tablets. Use features like bookmarks, note taking and highlighting while reading LIVIN' LARGE A
A Plethora of Possible Reasons
Logically it is very easy to understand why a woman would give up her child at birth. Back in 1948 this was quite common but it was never spoken about. Young women became pregnant, the fact was hushed up and their parents or their minister often encouraged them to give the child up so that it could have a better chance at happiness.
In some cases the birth parents were physically unable to care for a baby. Many times they had no support or could not afford to raise a baby. Rape, incest, fear, too young and on and on we go.
The reasons for pregnancy were many and varied, as they are today, and in the case of a closed adoption the chances of finding out the reason for that adoption are very slim. Here is a point that I believe is very important to understand and internalize: it really is not important why the birth mother gave up the child. What possible difference can it make? It happened, for whatever reason, and no matter the reason it had nothing to do with being unlovable. Children placed in the adoption system are every bit as lovable as normally born children; circumstances were such that the birth mother either couldn’t or wouldn’t care for her child. That is a fact that has no bearing on what kind of child it is. Again, logically I believe most children understand that fact.
But emotions are quite often not logical.
Talk, Talk and Talk Some More
Today I understand all of this and I understand my emotions regarding this matter, but growing up there was always that thousand pound gorilla lurking in the dark recesses of my brain. I think there are several things that need to be understood by adopted children and adopted parents.
First, these feelings of abandonment are very real and very valid. Adopted parents should not feel hurt by them nor should they feel threatened. Adopted children need to understand that it is perfectly natural to feel that way and there should be no guilt associated with it nor should there be any feelings of inadequacy.
Secondly, communicating these feelings is very necessary. I heard a wise man once say that we are only as sick as the number of our secrets. It is okay to feel these feelings and it is okay to voice them. In fact by voicing them they lose their control over you and isn’t that a lovely thought?
Adopted parents and adopted children need to discuss this matter; let the boogie man out of the closet and expose him for what he is, namely very natural feelings that will die a natural death in time. Secrets and suppressed feelings help no one. I have known adopted parents who hid the adoption from their child and in my humble opinion it is wrong to do so. I have known adopted parents who would tell their child of the adoption but kept it a secret from everyone else and again, in my humble opinion it is wrong to do so. Treating an adoption as a secret is to brand it as something wrong; the same can be said for refusing to discuss feelings regarding an adoption.
Yes it is a wonderful life
Final Thoughts
We are not castaways! We are not the abandoned! We are not throwaways nor are we recycled. What are we? We are human beings who have been given a chance to thrive in a better environment. We are human beings who have been given the chance to be loved. We are special and unique and what we do with this second chance is entirely up to us. I, for one, will continue to thrive because my adopted parents refused even for one second to treat me as anything other than their birth child. I will continue to thrive because my birth parents, for whatever reason, chose to give me a chance at a better life.
I no longer pay attention to that thousand pound gorilla; in exposing him I took away his power. By recognizing him and talking about him I gave myself power.
I really am a very lucky adopted child! My eye-sight has been fine since I was adopted and today I see nothing but beauty, hope and love!
2012 William D. Holland (aka billybuc)
To purchase my book on adoption in Kindle format go to:
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B008GXJJA0
Comments
I enjoyed reading this. What you write makes a lot of sense. Natural feelings should not have to be hidden. I think a lot of harm is done in many cases when people are made to feel guilty for feeling what they can't help but feel. Logically, we may understand that something is all for the best, and yet we may feel sad or angry or hurt by it, anyway. It's best to own our feelings and move forward. Much better than pretending they don't exist or feeling guilt for having them.
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Aya, it is the only healthy thing that can be done. Hiding feelings is a losing proposition any time. Thank you for your meaningful comment.
This hub is very powerful, bill! It is good to show that you have taking your whole experience and made it what it is today: something worth living for. Your story definitely helps reach out to others that may have not been so lucky. Thank you for giving others a glimmer of light :)
You always amazed me with your writings.. I always gain something..a realization..a lesson..or to be grateful.
Very great hub. Read your hub about your letter to your birth mother. That hub is amazing.
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Keith, thank you! I believe writing should stir a passion in the reader...give food for thought...light a spark in them...anyway, that's what I try to do. I appreciate your kind words my friend.
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Unknown, thank you! That is what I try to do with my writing...and it does my heart good to read your comments. I appreciate you greatly.
bill, this was another great hub (I'm getting sick of writing that every day!LOL!) I think I'm bill, jr. I was adopted and then thrown into Catholic School hell. :) My mom was always asking me and my brother (also adopted - he's Athabascan/Eskimo) how we were "feeling." Which meant, she wanted to know if 1. we wanted to find out birth parents, 2. we needed to discuss our adoption in any way, 3. if we felt different than all the other kids. My brother and I thought it was a lot of fun to confuse people when we told them that we were brother and sister (he's dark brown and I'm totally pale face/strawberry blonde). It was even more fun when there was a girl interested in my brother and she would see us hanging out ALL the time at the movies, pizza place, etc and ask about it. They just never truly believed we were bro/sis. After both of my adopted parents passed, my Aunt asked me if I wanted to find my biologicals. Nope, still no interest. I know who I am and I'm comfortable with that. :) Voting up and awesome.
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TT, if you are Bill Jr. then we have some serious issues. :) Hell, as an adopted child I get to pick and choose who I am related to and that's pretty cool. I'd rather be related to you than most people I meet. In fact, I can't think of anyone I'd rather be related to. I had no idea you were adopted...amazing...tell your story sometime. I'd pay to read it.
I'll save ya the 99 cents: I was born, I was adopted, I annoyed some nuns, I moved to Alaska, I live. :) LOL! I would rather be related to you than a lot of other people, too! You are now my older brother...I always wanted an older brother! Mom's side of the family are crazy, to say the least. My cousin wrote a book about it - White Trash Princess. (Yep, pimpin her book). LOL!
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LMAO....love the title. I don't think my adopted family was crazy...just dysfunctional like every other family. I could have had it much, much worse and they did love me with all their heart. I was in many ways the savior of the family, the glue that held it together. Someone to focus all of their love on so to speak.
Hey, I love being your older brother. I can live with that. :)
Brother Bill. :) Can I borrow the car? :) Sounds like things worked out for the good. I've read horror stories of adoptions that didn't work out so well. I guess we're just blessed.
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So now it starts, huh Sis? LOL I would agree, TT, it could have been much worse for us. I have no complaints at all and my life is too damn good to play the "what if" game. Okay, time to cruise. Have a great day Sis!
lmao! Yeah, I need to get some work done. Have a great day, too, Big Bro Bill! :)
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:)
bill....have I been sleep-reading, or did you not publish a Hub very similar to this one, a while back? If it was not you, maybe another of our fellow-authors....
My eldest son & daughter-in-law discussed adoption when it seemed their several attempts at IVF were not going to be a success....(they WERE successful after all) but, it was the first time for me to think deeply on my feelings about adoption, on a personal level.
I was genuinely comfortable, even excited about the possibility, as well as proud of my son and DIL for deciding to do this......but then my granddaughter began her life ala petri dish and the rest is beautiful history.
TT's story is VERY interesting. Her attitude is so real and honest, not to mention, healthy, don't you think?
I would like to know how I might find a copy of her cousin's book.
Oh...one more thing....I am convinced you and TT and I should apply for teaching positions in a Catholic School somewhere. They think Catholic schools are closing down at a rapid pace. I just wonder what they'd feel about complete annihilation?
I'll be in charge of chemistry class..Miss Ahmahdeenajad.
Hey Bill - adoption is such a tough issue for kids. I mean the why's and how's and I think it's especially hard when the child doesn't know the bio parents back ground. I mean maybe they just love the kid SO much they sacrifice so it will have a better life. I know I felt selfish not giving my oldest up for adoption - I was 21 and didn't make a lot of money but I was willing to bet my last dollar that shed forgive me for wanting to keep her so bad:). Yeah we were financially poor but guess what? She never figured that out! Lol. By the time she knew to care about money and stuff - I had out myself through college and had a good job:). It was worth it but I really felt like I was shorting her in a lot of ways. So be it. I did the best I could and she's all grown up now - 23 and almost about to graduate with her bachelors in Criminal Justice:)) LOL. Who knew???
I know you sure grew up to be a lovely individual. Thanks for writing such thoughtful hubs that make me think about how much I love my family:)
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Paula, I can see why you think that....there are parts of this hub that were covered before....hope you didn't nod off on me while reading.
That would be quite a school if the three of us taught there...how long do you think we would last? One week? Two tops? And I agree with you about TT...her attitude is fantastic and I am really enjoying getting to know her. She now calls me her older brother! :) I'm flattered!
Thank you my dear; have a wonderful weekend in upstate NY
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Kelly, that's exactly the point. There is no way I can judge any mother who chooses to give up their child and, in your case, I could never pass judgment on your for making the decision you made. Look at how good your decision turned out....who's to say what will happen? You just have to follow your heart and hope for the best.
Thank you my friend for the compliment and for taking the time to share your thoughts.
Hi Bill, another touching hub of yours that will reach hearts of many people who come from similar background and who can truly relate to your story. I may not be one of them in this specific case, yet I love reading your life stories and enjoy your simple way of presenting it. Very glad to hear that you had wonderful family, how great it would be for all other adopted children out there if they could experience the same, having a loving family. Take care.
I like the way you put it - members of an exclusive club you didn't apply for. I have three terrific nieces/nephew who were adopted, and at times some of them have dealt with those feelings. I can certainly understand the conflict a chosen child would feel when questioning why they are not with their birth parent(s).
Thanks for discussing this topic in the context of experience and compassion. Voted up and up.
Billy you are an awesome person and an inspiration to me my friend.. thank you for such a wonderful hub.. I was not adopted I did have great parents.. I have great friends that were adopted and they were not as fortunate ads you.
I love your attitude.
Debbie
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Katrine, thank you my dear. I am the first to admit and recognize just how lucky I was...so many horror stories I have heard and witnessed. I was given a ticket on the gravy train comparatively speaking.
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Thank you Marcy; I always love to see you visit and you always leave insightful comments. I appreciate you very much.
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Thank you Debbie my dear friend! I have been lucky! The only downfalls in my life were ones of my making so I really have no reason to complain. I know for a fact that I am blessed to have great friends like you on HubPages.
Very interesting perspective. You seem to have a healthy grasp on it, though of course you always wonder...
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Thank you Sparrow! I appreciate you taking the time to comment.
I know you have come out of this abandonment, but I couldn't help feeling it while reading through the hub. No child is a cast away and they are all someone special. Thanks for sharing from your past such a deep insight on adopted children. Voted up.
Such a beautiful fact to share. It makes sense to me that if parents pick you out of all the others and love you then what more could you want. How many natural children are really wanted even if they are loved once they are here? I think it is quite special to be adopted and you sound very lucky indeed.
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Thank you Teaches! I was writing more for the children out there who still feel abandoned, and they do feel abandoned on some level. My parents handled such a difficult situation so flawlessly that I truly did not suffer heartaches. I had many an introspect night laying in bed but not the heartache that many have to endure.
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Jackie, I agree completely, it is quite special to be adopted and I am truly a lucky human being. What a gift I was given....actually a second gift by my birth mother when she loved me enough to put me up for adoption.
You guys just don't know me yet. evil giggle! fpherj48: Her book is available on amazon.com "White Trash Princess by Molly Price." :) I have a word doc copy of it if you would like me to send it to you.
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Way to go Sis. I'll take a copy or if it's on Kindle I'll buy one.
I do believ it's on kindle...after I harassed her for a couple of months. lol! If you can't find it on kindle, let me know and I'll email it to ya.
Terrific hub about Adoption. My aunt also adopted a baby boy. I hope that when he grows up and knows about her birth mother, he would not leave and will be just thankful for the things my aunt did for him.
I salute you Bill!
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Thank you Snowdrops! I appreciate you greatly and look forward to many more great hubs from you.
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Okie dokie TT!
You did a great job describing the 1000 pound gorilla and how you finally put it to rest.
I particularly loved how you summed it up in your final thoughts: "We are human beings who have been given a chance to thrive in a better environment. We are human beings who have been given the chance to be loved. We are special and unique and what we do with this second chance is entirely up to us."
Voted up across the board except for funny.
billybuc, thank you for sharing yourself in this most powerful manner! How refreshingly honest are your thoughts, which are appreciated by the reader. What a wonderful blessing YOU were to your adopted parents and likewise is obvious. I am glad to know just how beautiful your heart is, as a result of the love you were given, though not by your birth parents, but to know love period, is profound. Wow, am I ever glad to be getting caught back up on my reading! In His Love Always, Faith Reaper
Wonderful words Billy, I have often wondered what it felt like to know one was adopted. Obviously, there is a curiosity in all of us about where we came from and may be sometimes a secret wish to know our birth parents if only we could. I guess that is normal. I have spent most of my life reconnecting children with their parents because growing up I felt that people should have the joy of knowing their birth parents. I did it for my cousins and whoever I could. The consequences were not always great but there was always a reconnection possible. I realize that some of the adopted children may be orphans too, may be not common here in America but very common where I come from. I am glad you have come to terms with your own adoption and I pray that other people may find peace and closure in their lives too, if there is anything like closure.There may always be the "what if" about biological parents, that too must be okay to live with and acknowledge besides the feelings of abandonment. Thanks for sharing.
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Gail, it always comes down to choice, doesn't it? So many people seem to look for an excuse to be miserable or to blame their lives on. I refuse to allow excuses to alter my happiness. Thank you dear friend.
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Faith my dear, thank you and I hope you are well. Tell me how you are doing when you get a chance please.
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Donna, your words are very wise. I'm not sure I believe in closure as an absolute but I do believe we can learn to move on and live happily. These issues must be faced head-on; to try to deny them is to invite unhappiness and that's not what life is about. Thank you very much!
Hi Billybuc! Great hub, so, so YOU, and your wonderful attitude about the art of living. I am also adopted, details are saved for an upcoming hub :)...too involved to share in comments. LOVE the gorilla scenario. All I know is that, in my opinion, it does NO GOOD to resent your birth parents. Resentment is a seed that can germinate, fester and turn you into a person you are not. It's a lose-lose situation. Your hubs are so full of genuine heart and love...I see that common thread in them all. THANK YOU. Voted up, awesome, useful and interesting. Blessings, Sparklea :)
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Sparklea, I look forward to your upcoming adoption hub. As for your remark, I am convinced that happiness is directly related to a positive attitude. I will live out my life finding the good in life rather than the way I lived far too many years in the past. Thank you my dear, as always, for your continued loyalty.
Adoption is not the only reason why children/people feel abandoned, but whatever the reason, we certainly have to face it, discuss it and deal with it.
And so true, billybuc: "Children placed in the adoption system are every bit as lovable as normally born children; circumstances were such that the birth mother either couldn’t or wouldn’t care for her child. That is a fact that has no bearing on what kind of child it is."
Voted up, well-written and absolutely heart-touching!
You are an extra-ordinary guy, billybuc, oozing insight and wisdom. So far I don't regret meeting you :)))
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Martie, I will try to never disappoint you and always be worthy of that praise. I respect you greatly from what I have read and look forward to many more years of mutual support.
Hi Billybuc
Beautiful tender and warm.
A friend of mine was adopted. Her mom explained her adoption very simply by saying that they chose her.
I would never judge a woman for giving up her baby but It takes more than giving birth to be a good parent.
Voted up and away!
Take care :)
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Thank you Sue and I agree completely with your comment. Take care and may peace and happiness always accompany you.
Billy, What a wonderful story you have, and how much healing you have experienced! I think one of the most damaging things one person can do to another is to discount feelings. Feelings aren't logical, as you say, nor do they need to be justified. The events that take place in our earliest years on this planet shape our lives, shape who we are, and however much changes in our environment and in ourselves, those scars often remain. They may heal and fade, but they never totally disappear. So glad you have decided to share your scars and your healing with us.
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Crystal, you are awfully wise for someone so young. Thank you my dear! Your words are right on and I appreciate them, and you, greatly.
This is by far one of the most touching things you have ever written. It is heartbreaking. I just want to give every adopted child a hug. :( This is honest, vulnerable, and moving. One of the best hubs I ever read.
I think at the very core of all abandonment feelings is the belief that we are, at some level, unloveable. That there is something wrong with us. You provided an honest and touching account. Thank you!
It is up to us to battle that feeling/belief of being unlovable to show everyone around us that we are worthy of love and respect. With that said, stories like yours, bill, definitely will give people inspiration to battle that feeling of being unlovable :)
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Tammy, thank you so much. Coming from you that means so very much to me. I respect you as I respect few other writers, both for your gift of writing and because of the person you are. Sending you peace, happiness and a huge hug!
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Audrey, you are so correct. I do not for a second think that this issue is isolated to those who are adopted. Thank you so much!
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Keith, that is my hope...the hope of every writer...that his/her words will reach those who need to hear them. Thank you my young, talented friend.
Your life is an inspiration to others my friend! Each time you write... and I read your work.. I learn umpteen things about how too make my life worth!
A brilliant! brilliant! Article
Hat's off!
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Rahul, you are too kind my friend, but thank you so very much. I learn from each and every one of the Hubbers I follow, most definitely including you.
Beautiful and touching story. You many have been abandoned but you were saved. A young friend of mine recently attempted to locate her bio-mom with, I do believe, some romantic ideas. Plus, she had some hard judgements toward her ditsy real mother. (I had pointed out that the lady who raised her is her real mother as the word mother is also a very).
Anyway, the story was, of course, quite sad. And she found that her ditsy mom had adopted an "at risk" child. Kinda put a new spin on the ditsy mom.
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Dolores, that truly would put a new spin on ditsy! Thank you for your lovely comment and you are oh so right, I was saved. It is a happy ending for me.
I loved this! As an adopted child myself I couldn't help but nod throughout the whole post. I've known most of my life I was adopted and yes, the feeling of being a "throw away" is a hard feeling to shake.
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ThruBlueEyes, thank you for that honest comment. I think it would be strange if we didn't feel that way at one time or another. It's only natural and by no means is it a bad thing. I really appreciate your comment and honesty and thank you for stopping by.
My daughter was adopted. We've had her since she was 4 days old. Her story is different than most I've heard. Her birth-parents were 14 and 16. They waited to tell anyone she was pregnant until it was too late to have an abortion. I spoke with them on the phone. I have 2 notebooks full of answers to questions that I thought would be asked. Quite a lot have been asked. Some have left to be asked/answered. If and when my daughter would like to meet them, I have their information. I send them updates and pictures. They didn't want to be in her life as a young child but she knows about them and we send them artwork and stuff too. She knows what they looked like at age 14 and 16. We talk frequently. Whenever I see an article like this, I show it to her and we talk some more. I know she still has questions but I always try to answer what I can. I also put her in a support group with other kids who were adopted. It helps to know that you are not alone in how you feel about the people whom you call your parents and the people who created your life. I hope all of you who were adopted and read this find peace in your lives.
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June, bravo! Seriously, bravo! You have handled your duties as an adopted parent brilliantly and I am sure that your daughter greatly appreciates your openness and honesty. Oh how I wish all adopted parents were like you.
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