Dealing With Compliant and Defiant Children

Were you a compliant child? Or a defiant one? Do you have children? Have you got more compliant or defiant ones? We are four in the family. I am the only daughter and the eldest. I can say that I and the third one are the compliant ones and the other two the defiant ones. Well, compliant or defiant we may have been, but we grew up to be good citizens of our country.

As parents, raising children is not easy. It is not something we learn overnight once we have children. Most of the time, it happens that the youngest child is the defiant one. Sometimes, an only child is also expected to be a defiant one. How both the compliant and the defiant or strong willed children behave as they grow up depends on how well we raise them.

The compliant children are those who seldom cry and sleep through the night from the first few days of their lives. They coo and smile whenever their grandparents cuddle them or when it’s time for their nappies to be changed. They are never sick during a trip to the grocery store or a visit to the pediatrician. They almost never give you headaches or spike up your blood pressure. They are pleasant, cheerful, agreeable, obedient, soft-spoken, a real joy to raise and live with.

When they are older, they love to keep their rooms clean, do their chores willingly and keep their things in order. They are a breeze to raise and raising them is like walking on a bed of roses. They do what they’re asked to do without complaining and parents take advantage of that. Believe it when I say they really feel that way. Raising them up is an easy task, but if you don’t feel or listen to what their actions are telling you, the consequences would be difficult and painful not only for you as parents but especially to them.

The birth order has nothing to do with their being compliant, but this personality is basically inherited from the parents and can occur in the eldest child or in the youngest. As for the four of us, the eldest which is me and the third are the compliant ones. We were broken as a family and were separated by two's when I was barely 10 years old. The environment and the people who surrounded us in our growing years have contributed greatly to how we deal with life and behaved as we grew older. So it was us children and the people who raised us up who tried to adjust and learn from each other. It was more difficult for us as children though. Compliant or defiant, we are thankful that those who have helped raised us taught us to be who we are today, more by their examples than by their sermons.

Every parent with two or more children is probably blessed with at least one compliant child. Compliant children are more likely to have good grades at school and can adjust socially than the defiant ones. Most compliant children have higher self-esteem than the defiant ones. They are cooperative, gentle and easily taken for granted. They always do the unpleasant job because the defiant ones can take forever to convince them to do it. They are always picked to do things because they are not heard to complain loudly.

Over time, the compliant and responsible children become angry. They begin to have a sense of powerlessness and resentment deep within them that parents hardly notice. They are like the older brother in the parable of the prodigal son (Luke 15:11-32). The older brother, the compliant child, didn’t rebel but resented the attention given to his irresponsible and defiant brother. Who wouldn’t? I would, too, if I’m the one always doing the household chores and not being rewarded or appreciated for it. You see, you are always expected to do this and that and yet the good things you do get unnoticed. The irresponsible sibling, on the other hand, gets what he wants because if not, he would throw tantrums or cause a chaos.

If your compliant child feels this way, what happens?

He would have a sense of injustice which leads him to become prone to perfectionism, stress, and depression, since he often feel trapped by his desire to cooperate and his need to please other people.

What to do?

To help your child feel that he or she isn’t treated unfairly:

• Make sure the compliant child get his fair share of attention and help him find ways to cope with his defiant siblings.
• Allow him to be a kid, to have fun and not just stuck on doing the household chores or simply following your orders.
• Show him that failure is an inevitable part of life. When he gets used to doing things he's expected to do, he becomes prone to perfectionism and failing to do things right means he did not please his parents.
• Spend time with him on a regular basis – go for a walk, take her for an ice cream treat and have a good talk together.

They are the strong-willed, feisty children. Some parents call them stubborn. Even before birth, they let their mothers feel those defiant kicks and scratched their initials on the walls of the womb. They enter into the world yelling, complaining loudly and wanting to run things, telling everybody what they should do. Their favorite word is “no”. Every time you tell them to sit down, to pick up something or not to touch anything, their answer will be a big “NO”. But just as most compliant children grow to be fine people, defiant ones can turn out fine, too.

Defiant children are typically smart. They are confident and loyal, strong-willed children who show a remarkable capacity for creative thinking and problem-solving. They display the attitude of a nothing's-gonna-get-in-my-way determination to achieve their goals. They are the opposite of the compliant children who want to learn things for themselves rather than accepting what others tell them to do. They want to be in charge and they find it unbearable when you tell them what to do.

Everyday life as a parent of a strong-willed child can be a struggle, and challenging, too. The child’s defiance can be crushing, relentless, exhausting, infuriating and worrying. Sometimes you feel like you want to let him be because that’s who he is. It’s easy to lose perspective when you are beaten down and exhausted by your child’s defiance. If you love your child, you shouldn’t step aside and let him do what he pleases because it’s not going to help you both. I’ve worked with strong willed children and though I get exhausted by their defiance, I felt great at the end of the day when I was able to have their attention most of the time and do things with them in peace without me nearly bursting into tears. It's better to deal with them during their early years because they have more teachable spirit than when you wait for them to grow older.

Things you should do:

• Bring out the best in your child. Begin by focusing on your child. Discover and understand what sets him or her off. Build on his strengths and not on his weaknesses. If you must tackle his weaknesses, do it with love and in a positive way.
• Be patient and shape their strong will during their early years without having to break their spirit. Set clear boundaries and and be sure to enforce them consistently with loving firmness. Let them know that by doing this they are loved and protected.
• Walk away from annoying behavior. Don’t try to argue with them because the result would get you annoyed, too. Sometimes it’s hard to win an argument with or tackle an annoying behavior of strong willed children. Ignore them and walk away for a while. They will learn that getting your attention with annoying behavior accomplishes nothing.
• Praise them for every good behavior. Praising them for every good behavior means you are happy with it. Let them know you like it.
• Reward them for every good behaviour. Touch the child affectionately, hug him or give him anything that a child really wants. A bedtime story, a toy, playing games with them, or a treat to an ice cream shop will do.
• Don’t say “stop”, “no”, or “don’t”. Tell them "no", "don't" or to "stop" will only make them do the opposite. It’s better to tell them what they should do and the reason for it. For example, instead of saying “Don’t touch that pan because it’s hot”, say “Get away from the pan because it’s hot and you will get burned”.
• Don’t punish the child for every bad behavior. Discipline is more like it. Let him do time out, or take away a privilege – no TV, games or toys – for a specified time. Punishing the child will only cause him to be more defiant and you might start to lose ground.

It’s really fun raising your own children and working with other children, too. They may be compliant or strong willed, but if you love children, you are able to find positive ways to deal with them and help them grow to be loving and wonderful persons. For parents who were once compliant like me, somehow we have an idea how to deal with compliant children but have a great deal to learn when it comes to the defiant ones.. The same with those who were once defiant, they'll have a great time dealing with both. Parenting is a difficult task, especially with defiant children. It’s like solving a very difficult math problem. When you can’t solve it, you ask others to show you how, sometimes you let them solve it for you. But it’s better when you yourself will have finally found the solution, cause it makes you feel that you have something to celebrate, something to remind you that you can do it again the next day.