Empty vessels

“I think some of the ‘best’ parents had a shitty parent/ parents, shitty childhoods or a combination.” He said it as a joke and or in a joking way, but I knew it was his way of saying I wasn’t a shitty mom. Considering it was my teenage son, I took it for what it was, a compliment to his ‘old mom’ to stop me from crying and beating myself up for not being the kind of parent I feel he and his brother deserve. It amazes me, everyday, in every way, how I can foul up and fail to meet the needs of my children, or God forbid, not make them feel like a priority, and still, they can, will, and do, love me-always. Loyalty-it is not overrated, if anything, it is understated and underappreciated.

Children’s unconditional love, their unwavering support and devotion, the incomparable way in which they accept us, is precisely why, as a parent, I feel many children, namely my own, are deserving and worthy of so much more than what we want for them, give them, gave them, have given them, provide(d) and or afford them. Yet still, they love us and continue to…children are so forgiving, can be so forgiving. How my children are able to overlook, overcome, and withstand my ignorance and the numerous ways in which I fail and have failed to be the parent, role model, and or example I should have/could have been-wanted to be, is beyond my comprehension and understanding.

People often compliment me, and tell me what amazing children I have-this always scares me and makes me check myself. I am of course proud of them and the men that they are becoming/have become, and I would love so much to take credit for any part of them, outside of giving birth of course. Only, I can’t, because anything and everything good about them is but by the grace of God.

“We were just empty vessels, til you filled us up.” My son says when I refuse to take credit for the men they have become/are becoming.

There is always something I wish I could have done, should have did, or at the very least, done differently, but mostly where it comes and came to my kids. There are countless, numerous, endless, examples of how I have failed to be the ‘ideal’ parent/role model for and to my children-one can only hope that there is some grain of truth to my son’s ‘theory’ about ‘best’ parents stemming or coming from shitty ones and or shitty childhoods.

“We were just empty vessels-til you filled us up.” My son said with a smile.

“I just hope those ‘empty vessels’ aren’t toilets,” I said with a laugh. “And you’re not completely filled with shit.”