Getting By After a Divorce

During these times, in the 21^st century, there seems to be more people getting divorced than any other time in history. Why do we think this is so? Is it because too many people are casually getting married before they are ready and therefore leads to divorce? I know there are too many young girls getting pregnant and the statistics of unmarried young mothers without their “baby’s daddies’ in the picture is even more staggering. But that’s another hub. So my point is people are getting divorced more now for various reasons. In this day and age, there are a lot more temptations out there than there used to be. People are spoiled like they weren’t before and they have grown up in families where they either come from a broken home themselves or come from a home where family is not that important and they weren’t shown the ways in which a real family should act.

Parents haven’t had control of their children for quite some time now and you see that everywhere from the supermarket to the mall. Children are definitely in charge. I witnessed a girl get so angry at her mother and made her feel so guilty at a mall once because her mother wouldn’t buy her what she wanted. The mother finally gave in and bought the girl what she wanted. I thought, wow times have changed. In a divorced situation a parent needs to be in control of all situations when it comes to the kids because during this time children may act out even more and therefore therapy possibly may help in situations like this.

The American family is on the decline today and it is very disturbing. I don’t claim to know the reasons why, maybe lack of God in their lives, maybe people do not want to save their marriages the way people used to. Divorce is easy nowadays. But one problem is I don’t think that people think it through the way they should and find themselves in situations where it is hard to take care of themselves and their children, mainly woman I am speaking of and therefore end up hooking up with the next guy that comes along and you can bet dollars to donuts that the next guy has his own set of baggage to bring in the relationship.

I am the last person to give any kind of advice about marriage, (ask any of my ex-husbands) but I am an expert on divorce and how it made me feel.

I believe when someone gets divorced that no matter what the reason for the divorce, this person is in pain. I was married for many years to a man that was abusive so when I finally broke the ties and I say finally because I went back to him many times until I finally filed for divorce, and that is the case for most abused woman and men. They are in pain and in a sense they are in mourning of the death of their marriage. Even though I was so glad that my marriage was over, I still had all those years that I thought were good and felt like they were a waste and also felt guilty for so many things. So there is a mourning period involved.

Especially in cases where infidelity is concerned. There is so much pain on both sides of the fence regardless if you are the victim or not. In cases such as this, a person really needs to figure out if this is something that they can live with or if the hurt is too deep that they would only be hurting their children and their mate by staying together.

This is another reason why at this time, it is not a good idea for you to go out and look for someone new. Sometimes people have a new guy or girl before the ink on their divorce papers are even dry and this is the worst thing that you can do. A person needs time to heal inside and love themselves again, how can they love someone else again if they don’t even like themselves. There is definitely a healing period and it varies from person to person but my advice is to let it happen naturally and give yourself time to heal.

Another thing is, if you have children and you are ready to date. There is nothing wrong with that, I think it is a good idea for children to meet the people that you go out with, but in no case should you move someone into your house when your kids are small and so impressionable. There has been so many cases where boyfriends abuse children of their girlfriends and this to me is the best deterrent to not ever bring someone home that you do not know that well and move them in when you have small kids. I know times have changed and you see this happening many times but it doesn’t make it okay. A woman and a man who is divorced and dating should think about their children before they think about anything else.

Another thing that is very important is to make sure that you do not trash your ex-husband or wife in front of your kids, kids do not need to hear this and it makes them feel bad and many times they blame themselves for the trouble between their parents and also feel torn between them. Don’t expect your kids to take sides because that is just not fair to them and will only leave them embittered about the whole thing. You have to remember that your kids love their father and mother and they do not like to hear a lot of trash coming from you about them. Chances are they are way too young to deal with this kind of talk and most of the time confuses them. Their young minds cannot deal with it.

I guess what I am trying to convey in this hub is that divorce is a life changing occurrence and it will take some time to get over all the bad feelings and blame. But like everything in life, you have to make the best of every curve that life throws at you and if you just use your head a little and think about things more clearly, than you will be a much more happier person without bitterness that so many times follows divorce. The next thing that will bring peace to your life is forgiveness, forgive him or her and most importantly forgive yourself.