Getting a License for Children

I was talking to a teacher friend the other day and listening to her litany of pet peeves about the children she spends her days with. She finally made the remark that we, as a society, should have to have a license to have children. Therein lies the idea behind this posting. Enjoy!

Things you need to have a license for. Driving, marriage, cars, boats, motorcycles, trailers, doctors, nurses, plumbers, electricians, software, cats, dogs, or being an auctioneer, a beautician, home inspector, marriage counselor, nail technician, veterinarian or real estate agent.

Notice something missing? How about being a parent? That’s right – there are no classes you must pass, no tests to take, no grades, absolutely nothing to do except let nature take its course and nine months later – instant parenthood!

 I mean think about it – you mostly likely got pre-marital counseling before marriage, you had to have a certain amount of driving time and pass a test to drive, many jobs require specialized education and/or training to be certified and licensed. Even foster parenting requires background checks, classes and a host of other requirements to watch another parent’s child. Yet, no one is required to do anything prefatory to becoming a parent of their own children.

Being a parent myself and seeing and hearing about some of the outrageous things that parents do to children, I propose that we begin looking into having parents be licensed before conception can occur. After some thought, here’s my proposal. I may even send it to my state and federal politicians. After all, it’s no more outrageous than some of the things that have already been doneJ

To get a degree in parent, I propose the following classes:

Bodily Functions101 – learning why and how children use bodily fluids and functions to control their environment. Emphasis on the male child and flatulence, burping and spitting. Also covers female cleanliness obsessions and the proper amount of clothing changes per day. Includes middle of the night emergency techniques for illness related to stomach upsets and potty accidents.

Battles 0-2, 2-5, 5-12, 12-20, - a series of classes for each major stage of life, to be taken as the child reaches each level. Teaches about common problems at each level of development such as, persistent crying, tantrums, selective hearing, literalness and the myth of other kid’s parents. A special section on hand slapping and rear-swatting is included.

 Speech 100 – giving parents the necessary vocabulary to speak and understand their child up until the high school years. This class covers babble, common phrases from television and radio and an introduction to the ever popular 20 twenty questions game favored by advanced ages. Also discusses the need for children to emulate and repeat speech patterns and conversations of parents and other adults and how to curb and/or avoid this potential embarrassment for the family.

Speech for Teens- Covers teen vocabulary gathered from various local sources and the internet on an regular basis. Also gives an intro into texting, IMing and other sources used by teens to propagate terms meant to deter and confuse parents. Included in this course is advanced 20 questions and how to break to one word answer habit. Refresher courses offered every 6 months. Teenage class partners will be assigned to all students for this class.

 Punishment or Praise? (Prerequisite class-Battles by age) Learning the art of time out, grounding, public humiliation, TV limits, extra chores, and getting to “I hate you!” Second half of class teaches the art of proper rewarding, allowances, and age appropriate gift giving without breaking the bank or keeping up with the Jones.

He Said, She Said- reveals secrets behind child manipulation techniques such as: I forgot, but mom said, you never asked and other popular techniques passed from child to child. Also gives an in- depth look at the phantom children I Don’t Know and Not Me.

Are You Really That Dumb? - A midlevel course geared for parents of school age and beyond children. This course will teach you effective ways to determine if your child is actually ignorant of a particular fact or circumstance or is using the appearance of innocence to avoid dealing with you.

Parent Networking – a popular course designed to allow parents to form networks to monitor and control their child’s behavior. Includes tips on when and how to call parents to confirm sleep-over arrangements, ensure proper care and feeding of non-related children while in your home, and to get the latest on homework assignments and school activities that may be missed. Also teaches the proper way to inform another parent of their child’s possible misbehavior while out of the immediate control of the home environment.

Parenting Internships – every prospective parent as the final requirement will be given a child for a month to practice their learned skills on. Children and prospective parents will be carefully matched for incompatibility and failure to achieve a passing score and/or returning the child early will result in forfeiture of all future parenting certification until this requirement is met.

 I know this isn’t all inclusive – but it’s a good start if you want to have ONE child.

There’s a whole other degree if you want to have more than one. Classes would include Sibling Rivalry, The Blame Game, Divide and Conquer, and Proper Bathroom Etiquette for Multiples.

Just think of what it would mean – a world with well prepared parents would give us a world with well-behaved children – Utopia! No more parent-teacher conferences to hear what little Johnny and Janey did THIS time. No more cringing at a store when children run through leaving havoc and mayhem in their wake, being able to eat in a nice restaurant without the screech of a tantrum. No more listening to a mother worried about hurting little Johnny’s self esteem and sense of identity. No more teenage power struggles. My idea of utter total bliss!!!!

Of course, I haven’t quite figured out what we’d do if a parent needed to have their license revoked – it’s not like we can put them back where they came from! I’ll have to think about that angle…. Maybe a kid pound? Naaahhh! Sure, they look cute when they’re little – but they do grow! Hmmmm…licensed parent trainers? They would tell parents what they were doing wrong and what should be done to correct little Johnny and Janey. They could come into the home on a daily basis if needed and inspect the parents and the children and make a decision as to whether the training was effective.

That’s an excellent idea! I’ve even thought of a title for this position…Grandparents!