Give children positive attention -create good relations

Children do as their parents do, of course. Take a look at yourself and your behavior. Try to give your children attention when they behave good, and also act as a role model in good behavior. This leads us to the subject of this hub; to give your children positive attention.

I have been reading a lot of books about parenting. I have found many ideas and suggestions, some I believed in, others not. Finally, I found a book that had some ideas that were appealing to me (Swedish book; "Five times more love", Martin Forster who is a psychologist, ISBN9789127088702). The book was about the importance to show our love and give positive attention to our children. Seems like something obvious, so why reading a book about it? That is what I thought and of course I found a lot of things I already knew. The great thing was that I got my knowledge and intuition verified.

The book tells us about giving five times more love than we give hard words, limitations and yelling. The writer means that a good relationship to your child demands lot of love and positive attention and less of limitations and punishment. If you wish to establish a lasting good relation to your children, this is what it takes. Should not be an effort, but I know reality can be complicated. As I said; this book was appealing to me; I bought some of the concepts. Of course, I had practiced it on my children before, I think love and attention are the most important fundaments in parenting. I did not "buy" all things in the book. The things I choose to practice both before and after reading the book have worked fine.

In this hub, I will describe to you the outcome of my practice in ”five times more love”. I tell you about the things I believe in, and that have worked for me and my children. Although I must say that most parents know what's best to do. Then it can be a lot of parameters around that makes us stressed or upset. It's easy to "forget" our values and where we stand in these situations. With not much delay our children reflect our actions and the situation might get hard to handle.

I believe in this kind of ”parent ship”. I recognized some of the methods from the book, and some was new to me. I will describe to you some of the methods mentioned in the book and my experiences from using them.

Positive attention

Giving attention even if the children haven’t done anything especially. This might be easy to forget. Think about the situation for a while; your children play together, you hear some laughter and chatting. Why go there and interrupt them? Do you do that? What would happen if you did? I did go to my children in the middle of an exciting game, and I told them how sweet they are and that I thought they played in a very nice way. They looked at me and said "thank you!". Nothing more, of course. But they kept on playing all day, no argues or fighting. I went back a few more times during the day to give more positive attention. It is all about positive attention, not just giving my attention to them when they fight or argue. It encourages them to ”keep up the good work”.

Play games

Another way to build a good relation to your children is to play with them, or just spend some time with them on a regular base. This is also about giving positive attention to your children. At least try with 100 % attention once a day. I usually read to my children and we spend time together at dinnertime. We have some great opportunities to talk to each other, and I'm able to share their lives. I notice they get happy and calm when getting my full attention. I usually go out with lunch pack to the forest or to the shore with them. This often means some fantastic time together with no argues or fighting.

Listen and speak

Listen and speak to your children. This is another thing that we all think that we do all the time. In another hub I wrote about ”really listening”, the hub is actually about Project Management, but I think the same parameters work with all humans, adults and children, (http://kerlund74.hubpages.com/hub/Five-areas-to-handle-for-successful-leadership-as-a-Project-Manager). I have always done this; we talk a lot to each other. And now as my oldest is going on her 11 th year I have noticed that she comes to me when there are troubles. It might concern her friends, school or something she’s afraid of.

When you listen; just listen! Don’t go ahead giving advice or interrupting. First listen attentively, then give feedback finally tell her/him what you just heard. Choose you battles. But when your child fight don’t let them win. I can admit that my youngest child is not a good example here… I have from time to time been too kind to her when she is behaving badly and wants something from me. I regret that now. She gets upset when I don’t give her what she want’s or if I try to tell her what to do now. So here I can say that my way is not a good way. I think choosing the battles is a good advice, but also make sure that you are in charge.

Five times more love

Above all, it is about that your attention to your child should be positive five times versus one time of negative attention. My experience is that this is a great way to handle my children. It's not about not having any limits or letting the children do as they please. My conclusion is it's all about building a relationship and make your children feel safe and comfortable. In situations where I need to correct them, say no or even be angry with them that also works. If I go around all day complaining, my children will stop listen to me. And they also learn that if they want my attention they do something that trigger my complaining…

I have noticed that there are much trouble, much yelling and arguing when I'm busy doing other things than spending time with my children. But only if I do that often and for a long time. If I sit during the day, using my computer, I can bet that it will be a lot of arguing between my children. Obviously because they don’t get my attention. Better to make noise and get some negative attention... If I instead of just working give them some positive attention and some love during that day I can also spend time at my computer. If I see my children and give them some of my time and even my love, then they give me some time on my own. We don’t talk about this, but I have noticed that’s what happens.

Parenting can be easy if we listen to our children and try to understand their needs. Focus on them, give them all your love and you will get back later when they are grown up. I think that a great relationship with our children is built during a long time. It takes some effort in times when we are stressed but it will be worth it!

Read more about attention and it's importance; http://psychcentral.com/lib/what-to-do-about-attention-seeking-kids/0009617

”Five times more love” in Swedish; "fem gånger mer kärlek", book written by Martin Forster.

Other relevant hubs by Kerlund74;

Why do my children always causing trouble when I feel stressed?

10 activities for you and your children on a rainy day