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Why do children cause trouble when parents are stressed?

Updated on March 28, 2014
Set them free and don't allways say "no".
Set them free and don't allways say "no". | Source

Do you think about why you should say "no" versus "yes" to your children?

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Why say "no" without reason

Parents, just like children, are humans. We do a lot of things that any other human would do. Sometimes we give our children answers without thinking, and that is something most of us do. However, it does not need to cost so much to first think for a moment, before answering. I will explain what I mean in this hub, first focus will be on how easy it is to say "no" without any reason.

Have you ever said “no” to your child without thinking it through? Just because you did it without thinking or part of an old habit? I have done that, many times. Often because I was stressed or tired. When I say "no" without reason I usually get into a conflict with my children.

Every evening, my daughter reads before she goes to sleep. Sometimes when I go to her to say goodnight, she asks me if she can read just ten more pages. Often a very quick “no” can be the answer, with no good reason at all, even though it will just take her another five minutes to finish.

What would have happened if I said "yes"?

My daughter is a clever girl and she cannot really see through what is behind my “no.” So she tries a ”please.” I still say “no.” And after a few more ”pleases,” I start to get rather irritated. I am a tired mother after a hard day’s work… At this point my daughter suddenly stops asking kindly and begins to get angry. She is tired too and the situation goes in an unpleasant direction. It takes several minutes to calm her down and get her ready for sleep.

I believe that some of you have been in similar situations. Let's go back and look at how I should have worked it out with a “yes.” When I do that, my daughter reads her ten pages, and then she calls for me and tells me it is time to go to sleep. This works out quite well and she becomes very helpful. I don’t have to tell her what to do. This procedure takes about five to ten minutes, including her reading.

We impact our children

Maybe some of you think that this is a stupid example, but let us look closer at what really happened. Some of you have already noticed, but I will tell you my thoughts. After some “no’s” and ”pleases,” I lose my temper. My daughter does too – she reflects me. Children possess a great system that scans our mood in no time. Then, they reflect us. Not purposely, but they do. I am, as a parent, a role model who is supposed to show the correct way to navigate through a lot of situations. Children observe and reflect. Later, they start to question their parents, but still they are very dependent on our behaviors.

In this case, I can't see any good reason for a “no”, more than a quick answer without thinking first. In other cases of course, there are good reasons for a “no.” It can be about things that are dangerous for the child or other people or disturbing for others, maybe the child is not old enough and so on. Of course you should not hesitate to say “no” to avoid a negative response from your child. Feelings are something natural and of course a child can be disappointed and angry. But when there is no obvious reason for you to say ”no”, the child see through that, especially if you don’t believe in it yourself. If you think it over and respond with a strong and confident “no”, then the child feels safe and trusts in your judgment. She may be a bit disappointed, but they trust you.

A great point is to realize how much of an impact parents have on their children. If you want your children to sit at the table and leave their mobiles and iPads, you have to make sure you never use them yourself during dinner time. Children reflect our behaviours!

Meditation is another way to stay calm.
Meditation is another way to stay calm.

Time to check your experiences.

Have you ever noticed your children behave better when you are in a good mood?

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Peaceful mornings

A situation that usually can be troublesome is when a family leaves the home in the morning. I decided many years ago that this is not going to be a problem. And I have succeeded! My “trick” is to get up a bit earlier than necessary just to feel relaxed and comfortable. No stress or irritation. This is crucial for the outcome. Mornings when things have been stressful and filled with moans always begins with me not feeling calm. If I say something about hurrying up or do this or that, my children's emotion sensors are activated. I suppose they feel all stressed up, just like me. And there is a lot of arguing. She reflects me, once again.

During a normal morning, everything just works – no stress and no yelling. The main tips here are to get up a bit earlier, and to get in the right mood. This strategy works really well for us.

The children are really good at reading us and the mood we are in. It is quite easy for them to fall into the same mood or feeling. That can cause conflicts. They reflect our behaviors too, not only good ones…

The bad language issue

Another example of how children reflect our behavior, this time an "unwanted" behavior...

A while ago, I noticed that my children used a lot of curse words, their language become really bad. I discussed this matter with them and they agreed and promised to stop. But they didn’t. I brought this up with my partner, who told me that I use a lot of curses as well. Embarrassing, yes, but so obvious… I have worked hard to change my bad habit. Now I do much better. So are my children.

Quote

"Give your children love, love and some more love. Then the manners will come automatically"

Love:)
Love:)

Love, love and some more love

And what about all these obvious things? We tend to rush through our lives today – parents as well as their children. This puts a lot of pressure on us. We lose our tempers because we are tired, stressed or just have given up. We give up our great plans of being patient, happy parents with happy children. As a result, we get disappointed and so on.

My experiences above are not about things that take a lot of time. On the contrary, it can actually save some time, like "Why say "no" without reason." The great benefit is that we will feel so much better. When you meet your child and you both work together, you will really feel satisfied.

I believe we can get along by being good role models, showing the way. And of course, with a lot of love :) Show your children how much you love them every day! I will finish with another quote: "Give your children love, love and some more love. Then the manners will come automatically," written by Astrid Lindgren, Swedish writer of Children’s books (Pippi Longstocking).

© 2014 kerlund74

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    • AliciaC profile image

      Linda Crampton 3 years ago from British Columbia, Canada

      This hub contains a useful analysis and some great advice!

    • kerlund74 profile image
      Author

      kerlund74 3 years ago from Sweden

      Thank you for commenting! This is something I am really interested in and I hope it is useful to others.

      I am new here and just try to start up. Comments are a helpfu to see how I'm doing:)

    • vkwok profile image

      Victor W. Kwok 3 years ago from Hawaii

      What you say makes sense and matches what I have learned about children in college courses I took. Thanks for sharing this insightful hub.

    • kerlund74 profile image
      Author

      kerlund74 3 years ago from Sweden

      Thank you for your feedback. Much appreciated:)

    • Harishprasad profile image

      Harish Mamgain 3 years ago from India

      Kerlund74, welcome to Hubpages. I just read this hub and found it so interesting and useful that I wish it to be read by billions of people. It has such a powerful message to the parents. Though my children are now adult and matured, I still find the relevance of this hub to my conduct toward them. Thanks and all peace.

    • kerlund74 profile image
      Author

      kerlund74 3 years ago from Sweden

      Thank you a lot:-) Great to get this feedback. I am thrilled to take part of HubPages and this community.

    • LWhip profile image

      LWhip 3 years ago

      Hi kerlund74, this is a good reminder to take a deep breath and stock of the situation before reacting.

    • kerlund74 profile image
      Author

      kerlund74 3 years ago from Sweden

      LWhip: yes it is:) Thank you for taking time and comment!

    • denise.w.anderson profile image

      Denise W Anderson 3 years ago from Bismarck, North Dakota

      Our children are like mirrors, they reflect what we do and say, only magnified! As a young mother, I, too, found myself saying "no" automatically. When I realized what was happening, I set a goal to find reasons to say "yes." It helped both my attitude and my children's attitudes. Now that they are busy adults, they do the same for their own children.

    • kerlund74 profile image
      Author

      kerlund74 3 years ago from Sweden

      Denise: yes it seems so natural and "easy". Sounds like your goal was a great way to find a new way:)

    • DDE profile image

      Devika Primić 3 years ago from Dubrovnik, Croatia

      Why do my children always causing trouble when I feel stressed is a an interesting hub. Children are fun and we learn from them too.

    • kerlund74 profile image
      Author

      kerlund74 3 years ago from Sweden

      So true:) Thank you for taking time to read and comment!

    • jill of alltrades profile image

      jill of alltrades 3 years ago from Philippines

      Very interesting hub!

      I already have grown up kids but I can still remember the times when they were still under my care. I find that talking to them always helps. If I say "no" to something, I always tell them the reason why and they understand.

    • kerlund74 profile image
      Author

      kerlund74 3 years ago from Sweden

      Jill; Thank you:) And yes they do understand when there is a reason that I can explain to them. In cases I just "no" without thinking, which happens, it is harder to convince them, not strange at all.

    • DREAM ON profile image

      DREAM ON 3 years ago

      Seeing that you may have been a little bit hasty and rethinking your position and actions is a sign of a good parent. Maybe next time you could let her read longer and see how it goes. Sitting with her and explaining how proud you are that she loves to read. To have a child that enjoys reading a skill that is so useful and rewarding in years to come. I can remember when I was young and my parents said no to me for something I would of really appreciated it if they explained why . Great topic and I love to see many more of your hubs in the future.

    • kerlund74 profile image
      Author

      kerlund74 3 years ago from Sweden

      Thank you, much appreciated:-)

    • DREAM ON profile image

      DREAM ON 3 years ago

      Not being a parent I can only think how busy you must be after a long day of work and your kids have so many things to say and do. Spending time with them even if it's just a few minutes I am sure makes the world of a difference. Later when they grow up their memories of you will carry forward when they become parents themselves.

    • Colleen Swan profile image

      Colleen Swan 3 years ago from County Durham

      Interesting hub. Every point brought back memories of my child rearing days.

    • kerlund74 profile image
      Author

      kerlund74 3 years ago from Sweden

      Thank you Colleen:)

    • kerlund74 profile image
      Author

      kerlund74 3 years ago from Sweden

      So kind words. I hope they will:)

    • Peggy W profile image

      Peggy Woods 3 years ago from Houston, Texas

      This is a well thought out and written piece which will hopefully make people stop and analyze how they handle the every day situations when rearing children. Good job! Up and useful votes.

    • kerlund74 profile image
      Author

      kerlund74 3 years ago from Sweden

      Thank you Peggy, I really appreciate that you "say" this:-)

    • Cre8tor profile image

      Dan Robbins 3 years ago from Ohio

      This Hub really makes a parent think. I have 3 sons and feel I am perfecting the art of parenting all the time. Sadly, my oldest is my guinea pig and has taught me arguably more than I have taught him. When he was young, I was quick with "no" and in time realized that I was doing exactly that...saying "no" without even knowing why. Now, my boys are accustomed to asking, me asking them for 5 minutes (not always but...) and then coming back for an answer. This give me time to think through my answer so I give the correct one. (I still sometimes say "no" for no reason other than teaching them to deal with disappointment.) Great Hub! Voted up and useful!

    • kerlund74 profile image
      Author

      kerlund74 3 years ago from Sweden

      Thank you Cre8tor:) We learn new things during our lives! And my oldest daughter have had some of what you describes to...

    • klidstone1970 profile image

      இڿڰۣ-- кιмвєяℓєу 3 years ago from Niagara Region, Canada

      Hello kerlund74. A very insightful hub. They say being a parent is the hardest job in the world for a reason. There are many things that I need to improve upon as a parent and really step back more and think about things first than I used to. Bravo to you for doing the same.

      Kim

    • kerlund74 profile image
      Author

      kerlund74 3 years ago from Sweden

      Hi Kim and thank you for sharing your thoughts:) I appreciate your input and comment.

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