Growing Up with an Unloving Dad

Some think the definition of a parent is to provide food, water, and shelter. But, from the perspective of a person who has grown up with those three things, I can assure you, that is not what a parent is to me and it never will be. A parent is much much more than someone who gives you shelter. It is someone who is there for you when you need them. I ask myself everyday, "Why doesnt my dad love me?" "What have I done wrong?" The most important role of a parent is to provide support, love, and care. When you dont get those things it can effect you tremendously.

I've grown up with a very loving mother but, a not so loving and emotionally unavailable father. No matter what I do, how hard i try, it is never enough to get the attention of my dad. I have to work harder than I should to get my dad's attention. When I do get his attention off of his phone or TV, he doesnt register what I say, he doesnt remember it because he has better things to worry about, and he looks only to spend seconds of his time on what I have to say. Sometimes I give up on telling him anything about what I have achieved because he never seems to care about anything I do. But I still try very hard to get him to hear me and listen to me. But, love is not forced. My dad's choice on not giving attention to my achievements has shown to bring a huge burden on me and himself. I'm not sure if he realizes it but, he doesnt know me. What I mean by that is my dad doesnt know me more than someone who talk to at school every now and then. I feel like I don't even know him either because he doesn't show himself to me. He is quite literally just a stranger who lives in our home. He is closed off. It hurts so bad to know that your dad lives with you and can be there for you, but he chooses not to. It's like he is stuck in the past and only remembers when I was 8 or something. Even then I've felt abandoned by him. But, for some reason he goes back to then and brings up how I used to be. When he is asked about how I am doing now he doesnt know what to say, because he doesnt know me now. He doesn't talk to me enough to know me now or even ever. He doesn't know my interests, He doesn't know what classes I take, He doesn't know what I am passionate about. The list can go on and on and the list of what my dad knows about me keeps getting shorter and shorter.

The only thing my dad genuinely listens to is what I do wrong. My dad thinks everyone is a bad person. It is hard to stay positive around someone who never sees the good. I've felt so much guilt all of my life because I was led to believe that I'm a horrible person because I only do wrong. But, it is simply not the case. I do so much good. I just didn't see it and most of the time because that is all my dad sees in me. The effects of having such a negative person in my life has shown. I see myself in my dad because of how negative I am. He is always yelling about what he doesn't like.

When I tell him how I feel: that I want him to be there for me and I want him to act like my dad. He doesnt say anything, just silence. He waits a few minutes and starts yelling about how he provides for us again and how that's all that matters. He pushed the harsh reality so far back in his head that he can't see it anymore. Hes made it so hard for himself to see the truth and the pain that he has caused. He keeps making it harder for himself to face what he has done because he hasn't tried to fix it. If he changed, he would change his life, my life, and everyone around him. Everyone would be happy around him rather than dreading his negativity.

All my life I have felt a giant void, a missing peice and I am finally realizing what it is. I cannot tell myself it is my fault for my father not loving me because I have done nothing wrong, I am fine the way I am and I do not need to change for him. The only person that needs to change is him. He needs to face the reality that he has caused. If you are going through something similar to what I am. Please know, you are perfect the way you are, your father just doesn't know how to love.

I am very thankful for what I have. I have a bed to sleep on, a house to live in. But, I would give that up in a heartbeat if my dad would be there for me, be proud of me, know me for who I am, and most importantly be a true dad. He can mend the pain hes caused but if he never faces the truth, then the pain will always be there eating away at me and him. All I ever want is love from him.