Dealing with my miscarriage as the due date approaches
The Loss revisited
This past fall my husband and I experienced one of the worst losses a parent can go through- a missed miscarriage. We found out at our child's first ultrasound that there was no heartbeat-it appeared to have stopped at 10 weeks. My body did not respond to the miscarriage and I had no physical symptoms-this is referred to as a missed miscarriage. They offered a D&C or to wait and let my body take care of things naturally. I couldn't believe it was true and declined medical intervention. If God wanted my baby he would have to take it! From that moment it felt like my world came crashing down. I had known people who underwent miscarriages-but I never understood that to them it isn't a miscarriage-it is the death of their child.
I shut down for a week and didn't go to work or talk to friends. I didn't want to hear they were sorry or it would be okay-they had no right to say anything because it wasn't their child. I was angry and scared. I prayed non-stop that the heartbeat would start and my baby would live. At the end of the week my doctor performed another ultrasound and there was still no heartbeat. My husband begged me to undergo the D&C, so I did.
We would have been due next week, and the pain is back as strong as when it happened. I learned in college that the anniversaries of loss are often as painful as the initial loss, but I never thought every anniversary associated with it would be this hard. I am tired of those who think I should be over it, that time makes it better, or that becoming pregnant again would take the pain away. It won't, it can't. The pain is a part of my life just as much as the joy of my son's birth is a part of my life. It has made me a much more compassionate person and taught me to not take a moment of life for granted. So, if you have experienced the same realize it is okay to feel the pain, to wrap it around you like a blanket for a while. It is a part of life and in a weird way it helps make the good things in life better.
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