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Dealing with my miscarriage as the due date approaches

Updated on October 20, 2016

The Loss revisited

This past fall my husband and I experienced one of the worst losses a parent can go through- a missed miscarriage. We found out at our child's first ultrasound that there was no heartbeat-it appeared to have stopped at 10 weeks. My body did not respond to the miscarriage and I had no physical symptoms-this is referred to as a missed miscarriage. They offered a D&C or to wait and let my body take care of things naturally. I couldn't believe it was true and declined medical intervention. If God wanted my baby he would have to take it! From that moment it felt like my world came crashing down. I had known people who underwent miscarriages-but I never understood that to them it isn't a miscarriage-it is the death of their child.

I shut down for a week and didn't go to work or talk to friends. I didn't want to hear they were sorry or it would be okay-they had no right to say anything because it wasn't their child. I was angry and scared. I prayed non-stop that the heartbeat would start and my baby would live. At the end of the week my doctor performed another ultrasound and there was still no heartbeat. My husband begged me to undergo the D&C, so I did.

We would have been due next week, and the pain is back as strong as when it happened. I learned in college that the anniversaries of loss are often as painful as the initial loss, but I never thought every anniversary associated with it would be this hard. I am tired of those who think I should be over it, that time makes it better, or that becoming pregnant again would take the pain away. It won't, it can't. The pain is a part of my life just as much as the joy of my son's birth is a part of my life. It has made me a much more compassionate person and taught me to not take a moment of life for granted. So, if you have experienced the same realize it is okay to feel the pain, to wrap it around you like a blanket for a while. It is a part of life and in a weird way it helps make the good things in life better.

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    • momaoak profile imageAUTHOR

      momaoak 

      6 years ago from Greenwood, AR

      Thank you for sharing some of your story and offering support Lisa HW. I appreciate it. I hope time brings some healing, but I never want to forget my love for this child that I will never hold. It helps to hear from others who have been in this position.

    • Lisa HW profile image

      Lisa HW 

      6 years ago from Massachusetts

      I'm sorry to read of your loss. Every anniversary won't always be this bad. It's just way too soon right now for it not to be. I had to have a 20-week pregnancy "taken" when it was clear there was no heartbeat. As far as other losses that involve serious grief go, I've had enough of those (and lived long enough to tell about getting past the grief) too. It takes time, though, and it happens such a little bit at a time; it takes longer than a lot of people who haven't gone through it would expect (for others or even for themselves).

      The baby I thought I'd have would have been 32 in July. I've long, long, been over it and fine with it (of course); but it's a big enough event and loss in a woman's life that it isn't "just forgotten completely" either. A couple of years ago someone suggested writing about "is there life after miscarriage". I wrote "Yet Another Miscarriage Story" in the hopes of addressing the loss, the getting past it, but also the always remembering it "elements" of miscarriage. Life, and you, will return to "normal", but it takes a lot longer than even a year. In fact, from serious losses I've gone through in life; I've always found that no matter how bad we feel when it's new, we're still numbed in a lot of ways. For me, some of the numbness would just be wearing off at a year; and that's when I'd be more ready to truly process the loss and deal with it more head on; before really starting to get on the with the business of "getting past it" as time went on from there.

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