Murphy's Laws of Being a Stay At Home Mom

You would think that stay-at-home-moms would be safe from Murphy and his outrageous laws. Don't we have enough to deal with? After all, the job of stay-at-home mom is 95% parenting, 65% housework, and 50% everything else.

If that math doesn't add up for you then chances are, you've never been a stay-at-home parent.

To be perfectly fair...I am pretty sure I invited Murphy into our home (sorta like inviting in Count Dracula), when I made some unspoken agreement with my husband that since I was at home all day, I would handle "it". Whatever "it" turned out to be.

"It" turned out to be just about everything except changing the oil in the trucks. And well, that is just because he doesn't think I know how.

So, when you end up being at least 97% of the team, you get pretty familiar on what can and can't go wrong. ANYTHING can go wrong. And it does. Because Murphy is a real jerk. Just read on and see whether or not you can relate!

This is a great place to start. Because I freaking hate laundry. So much so that if I didn't write about it first, I wouldn't want to mention it later on.

I especially hate the days when I have to wash bed linens. I am almost ashamed to admit that I don't change bedclothes as often as recommended. I won't say exactly how long I will let that job go, because I don't want my readers to turn me in to the CDC.

When it comes to washing ALL laundry, my method is to stuff as much in the washer as possible, then act surprised when my husband tells me I overloaded it. How else am I supposed to get 35 loads done in four hours?

Here are my Murphy's Laws of the Laundry Room:

• No matter how many clothes of one color I hoard in a pile, I never have enough to wash a load of ONE color. But, if I am searching for white clothes, I will find twenty articles of black clothes. If I go to wash those black clothes instead, they will be gone...

• I will always run out of bleach on the one day I have enough whites for a small load.

• I will always be asked 20 minutes before bedtime if X piece of laundry is clean for tomorrow.

• The moment I change all the sheets, one child will have an accident on them.

• The day that I do not put matching sheets on the bed will be the one day when the kids are absolutely napping in the cutest fashion, and I will want to take a picture.

• The day I forget to clean the dryer vent will be the one day my husband decides to do a load of laundry.

• The week that I forget to get laundry soap will be the week of spills, vomiting, and dirty diaper marathons.

• The day I wait until the last minute to wash a specialty clothing item for a big event will be the day the power goes out for hours.

The kitchen is the heart of the home, and the bane of the SAHM. It is never fully clean, because it regenerates mess as fast as you can clean it. And that is only one of Murphy's Laws regarding this sacred room. Here are some more:

• No matter how thoroughly you examine the kitchen beforehand, there will be one dirty dish that appears after you have drained and wiped the sink down.

• That same exact dish will appear if every available space in the dishwasher is full, and the load is running.

• The moment the last dish is cleaned and put away, someone will NEED to eat. Or it will be time to cook dinner.

• They day someone requests a certain meal will be the very day the ingredients for that meal expired, soured, mildewed or vanished completely.

• Despite careful planning and cunning strategy, you will always come home from the grocery store with one more item than will fit in the freezer.

• A watched pot may never boil, but look away for ten seconds and it will boil over and create a residue that only a sandblaster can remove.

• The food you cook will never taste as good as the ingredients you tried to hide until you you had time to make the recipe. (i.e. chocolate chips)

• The day you skip doing dishes is the day your in-laws will appear.

• The day you cook a stellar meal that has to be eaten on time, everyone will be late getting home.

What about the other stuff? Oh, Murphy has his hands there too:

• As soon as you mop the floor, someone will track in dirt or grass. Which will stick to the damp flooring.

• No matter how thoroughly you vacuum, you will miss most of the mess.

• No matter how thoroughly you dust, you will see more when you sit down to rest.

• The vacuum will need to be dumped when you have just twelve more inches to clean.

• If your most critical in-law visits, a mysterious piece of Easter grass or Christmas tinsel will appear, making it look as though you haven't cleaned in months.

• As soon as all the glass is clean, someone will touch it.

• As soon as the toilet is cleaned, someone will need to potty.

• If something is in the way, and you put it up for awhile, everyone will suddenly remember it and want you to find it again.
• As soon as your hands are in dishwater, a dirty diaper, or potting soil, the phone will ring

• As soon as you have everything put away, someone will need something and dig it all back out.

• If it is pretty, it will break for no reason. If it is ugly, it will survive a collision with a freight train

• If you think you can relax for five minutes, you will realize you have a vital errand that you need to run.

• You will only remember forgotten errands ten minutes before the place in question closes. For the weekend.

• If you need to run an errand in ten minutes, everyone will suddenly be dirty, hungry, wet, sleepy, and/or naked.

It isn't all about cleaning of course. The "M"in SAHM stands for the job that takes up most of the day. Everyone knows that "mom" is a blanket title that covers a wide range of smaller jobs. Each of which is subject to its own "Murphy's Laws".

This is only made more frustrating by the fact that each child comes with his or her own laws too. But here are some general parenting laws that I think many, if not most, can relate too:

• The minute all the kids are dressed and photo-ready, someone will have an accident

• There is that one toy, usually a $1 junk toy, that you hate. But no matter how many times you hide it or throw it away, it always reappears.

• No child will willingly fall asleep for a nap, unless it is 3 minutes before you have to leave the house. Or three minutes before you arrive home.

• Your child will never hurt themselves playing, until the day before the doctor's appointment.So they can go in with a fresh shiner, or split lip, or bruised ribs...

• If you brag about how good they are, they will be terrible in front of others. If you lament about bad behavior, they will be angels. Either way, you will look like a liar.

• If you spend hours making a replica or costume or crafted item based on a favorite movie, book or show--your child will cease to like that movie, book, or show the day before you finish said project.

• At least once, you will witness a total meltdown over something odd, such as the fact that the moon went behind a cloud and you can't fix it.

• The present that cost the least amount of money will be treasured, and the one you saved up for will be ignored or abused.

• The crudest joke or word on a movie is the VERY one they will pick up, even if they weren't paying attention.

• The one time you slip up and say something really bad, they will record it in their brains, and use it seven months later at a family get-together.

• The one time they ask you an educational question that you can't answer, will be when you are in a crowded place, like the grocery store, so everyone can hear you stammer like a moron.

• No matter how many diapers you pack, you will always have one less than needed.

• The baby will cry the very second you just THINK of doing something like eating, taking a shower or catching a quick nap.

• If you do get one or more children to take a nap, that is when the loudest traffic will go through, the neighbors dog will start barking, someone will ring the doorbell, and you will inevitable knock over something very noisy. (or in my house, the dryer buzzer will go off. Just when they doze off.)

• The cuter the outfit, the more stains it will attract

• Your kids will always be adorable, until you try to catch a picture.

• Even if they are too engrossed in a movie to eat, talk, or play...they will immediately notice your absence if you try to go to the bathroom.

• The baby will sleep through sirens, dogs barking, older children playing, pots and pans banging, the phone ringing, the television blasting, the vacuum cleaner and anyone visiting who would like to see them awake. But the moment you bat your eyes romantically at your partner, they will hear the friction of your eyelids and wake up screaming.

• If you dress them in something really nice for a holiday, some jerk of a relative will give them chocolate, ketchup, Kool-aid, etc. BEFORE the photos are taken. The result being that your kid gets photographed in the mix-n-match clothes you pull from the diaper bag. Every year.

• As soon as the nursery is cleaned, and all the toys are sorted (blocks in one bin, crayons in another, etc.) is the day they will NEED something from the bottom of the toybox.

• They won't spill food or drinks often, but when they do, it will be on the expensive rug, couch or clothing item. That belongs to someone else.

• If you buy your kids something today, it will go on clearance tomorrow.

• Husbands can only see food that is centered at eye-level at the front of the fridge. Children can spot food that is hidden in a brown paper bag, in a tupperware container, at the back of the crisper drawer, under a bag of salad mix. As soon as they open the door.

• A child that is deathly ill in the middle of the night will suddenly recover after you've come home with medicine, after having been all over the county at 3 am looking for a store that was still open.

• The more work you put into planning an event, the more likely it is that your kid will HATE it.

• Even if it is something they despise, if its on your plate, they will want it.

This isn't exactly a law, but it does happen to a lot of SAHM's. The very moment that you sit down at the end of the day, someone will ask you to do something.

If you dare to declare that you are just too tired, you might just get this response:

" How can you be tired? All you did was sit around the house all day. "

In which case, it is perfectly acceptable for you to lob your Murphy's Law coffee mug at the offender. Don't worry. You'll miss.