It's Hard To Find The Bright Side

There are moments I am plagued by negative emotions and thoughts. There is no avoiding it.

I’ve always had a hard time acknowledging negative emotions, much less expressing them! Anger is the worst for me. It sits uneasily in the pit of my stomach and stays there. Sometimes I am able to cry it out, but it's messy and not fun for anyone within a 20 foot radius.

Now that I a LOT older, I realize that these emotions are here to serve me. My job is to acknowledge them, feel them, deal with them and find a way to move on. Without that acknowledgment they stay with me, bubbling beneath the surface, ravaging my stomach lining and creating horrendous breakouts even at my advanced age.

During a particularly difficult time of my life I wrote the poem below. The world as I knew it was crumbling away, piece by tiny piece. I was 17 years old and just starting college. My parents were going through a very public and incredibly painful divorce. My brother had gone off to college in another city the year before and I missed him terribly.

My mom was experiencing inexplicable pain and could only take life one second at a time. I was living the life of an adult, while still feeling like a child. I was falling and trying to grab on to whatever I could to survive. I was trying to hang on to a past that no longer existed. I wanted my beautiful goofy mom to dance into my room and my dad to be reading a book or watching Wild Kingdom on TV. I longed for my brother, his infectious laugh, his long eyelashes and his hilarious sense of humor. I could have none of these things.

I had only myself and I was not sure who I was yet. I did not know what to do, where to go, or how to feel. I used my writing to help guide me through these hard times. I still do. When I cannot acknowledge my anger or pain, the poems, articles or stories I write do it for me. They helped me to become the woman I am today and help me to continue to learn about myself every day.

Follow me as my mind fades to black..

Walk within my footsteps as the earth

crumbles beneath my feet.

Listen to the words that I alone am able to hear.

Taste my fear as it rises in my throat.

Breathe my breath as it is lost to the darkness.

Think my thoughts and let them poison your soul.

Follow me as my mind fades to black.

Hold my hand as it encircles your heart.

Suffer my pain as I have yours.

Look closely at the specter

that is my world.

It is not what you see.