Why it Hurts More When Harsh Words Come from the Loved One ?

One evening, I was watching a TV serial where the Hero, a 45 plus something is a very senior and able officer in the Anti Terrorist Cell of his country. He is also a family man, with a wife and two college going children. The hero is a responsible person with a high sense of duty to serve his country and save it from the evil designs of the enemies of the country. At the same time he is a loving father and a caring husband too.

Right from the beginning of the episode, I noticed that hero, though at home with his wife and daughter had no glow on his face. The warmth of smile was substituted with a feeling of hurt – something which he had been swallowing and tolerating for more years than the wrinkles on his face.

Well I did not have to wait for long to get the answer. His wife and kids were always critical of him – whether it was his expression of his love for his family or his dedication to his country or his words of advice as a concerned parent. Jointly or individually, they were always nagging him, his every word or action or expression was returned just like tennis serve, with unkind remark.

OK, I got some clue but this is the same person who can physically take on a few bad men and beat them down. He is the same hero who can strategize a very smart counter terrorism move.

But why is he letting it happen to him ?

He can save the country from enemies. So why can’t he handle his own family well?

The answer is hidden in the question itself. He can’t handle his family well.

It is so very human emotion that a person can weather many storms in the form of people or situations such as crisis or offences but he gets defeated in the hands of his own people.

But why so?

The reasons are so simple and logical (or rather emotional):

1. How can a person even think of hurting - even slightly, the people he loves?
2. These people could be members of his family like parents, spouse, siblings and children.
3. Also his loved ones could include his dear friends, relatives etc.
4. The more he allows them to intrude into his personal space, the more demanding and daring it makes his loved ones towards him ( or rather mis-adventurous)? Like a person stuck in quicksand, he even tries harder next time only to get deeper into it.
5. Rightly or wrongly, s/he feels that his keeping quite will not affect the relationship adversely. Sometimes, s/he thinks it is best to swallow the insult in the interest of all and the atmosphere in the home.

Got it, but if the person does it out of his choice, then why the harsh words of loved one hurt?

It is so simple to understand.

Logically, the man (or woman) also expects a lot from his / her loved ones. It could be respect, love, care, attention, acceptance or in some combination of these or all of these. To earn these precious emotions, s/he makes all kinds of exceptions for them.

It is the no return on the investments of

acceptance (of even unacceptable action and behavior)

+

exceptions (made for unreasonable words, actions or behavior)

that disappoints and hurts!

"Author: Sundeep Kataria"