Alternatives to Time-Outs and Groundings

Ever ground your child, just to that it was clearly more work or stress for you? And the final result is that really didn't work to solve the issue?? Why should we punish ourselves, as parents, over and over again with following through with overseeing the punishment or consequence that the grounding that your child is facing? Do you find that the grounding gets forgotten in the momentum of everyday life? And how do we decide how long the grounding should be?? Ahhh!!

Grounding your child doesn't only suck for them... it really sucks for parents too, we all know it!

What if there was a way to correct your child, get results and not have to pin an exact timeline to -- that will actually get positive results for you and for your child? There is a way, a fairly simple way! For the sake of labels, lets call it the "Grounded List", as it pretty much covers this method.

Explaining the easy to grasp concept

A "Grounded List" does not have time lines. It is simply a tool that your children can use to 'make it better'. It is a simple way that they can be in charge of correcting the wrong that they have done.

The 'Grounded List' is quite simply composed of the things that they have to accomplish in order to be out of the grounding. Once they have met all of the items on the list, their punishment is done, over and forgiven and freedom earned.

To save time and stress, try creating the 'grounded lists' ahead of time. By preparing them ahead of time there is no stress, you go, get the piece of paper and duct tape it to your child... JOKING! Handing it to them is perfectly acceptable, or better yet, tape it to the fridge.

Try making these lists with your children. By letting them have input it will ensure that they will completely know what they will be facing for back-talking, staying out late, or whatever act they get up to that unnerves us. This time spent together can be very valuable as well, as it is a time that you can explain your point of view (your child will likely listen to reasoning better at this point, when they are not in hot water)... and the end result? This will help both you as the parent and your child know what they will be facing when the 'unthinkable' happens and they find themselves grounded.

Please note, I put like with like, for the clear sake of my own personal sanity. If it is a car offence, the punishment is about vehicles. If the grounding is because they have been overly messy, their list would contain cleaning tasks and duties. Let me tell you, there are some toilet related fixes there. And no, not a single family members toothbrush is involved, though often threatened - enter winking eye here!

Once everything is done off of the grounding list then they get what ever privileges back that had been revoked. - No big song or dance, though I always do make a point of thanking them for taking care of the list. Judge if you want, but if they did the crime and then cleaned it up, I really am thankful for their fixing it, so I let them know.

For each time they ask to do or have something that they are grounded from, before the 'Grounding List' is complete I would add one more thing to the bottom of the list! This is something they know ahead of time. There is no big song or dance - I quietly go over to the fridge and add to their list. They will see it sooner or later. When it is spotted (I always add a 'why note') there might be a bit of a fuss... this fuss will get another 'Grounded List Item', ONLY if it goes beyond reason and personal frustration.

By having a white board that states the different 'Grounding Lists' for the different 'offences' it will have your child be aware of what actions have what consequences. They may just find themselves thinking twice before acting once!!!

And if by chance they 'take the chance', you as their parent will not have to take the time to figure out what the consequence will be... Or even worse: Make a rash decision on the spot! The white board can easily become one of the most valuable parenting tools in your home!

1. If they missed curfew:

The Consequence:

~ They can only leave the house for school and for things like doctors appointments

The 'Grounding List'

~ Clean all the clocks in the house

~ Change the clock batteries in all the clocks in the house

~ Write a list of ____ things why a parent might worry if their child is late

~ Write a 1/4 page appology

2. A teen took a 30 kilometer detour with the car when they were only supposed to go to one destination and back...

The Consequence:

~ They are not allowed to use the vehicle

The 'Grounding List'

~ Detail moms car

~ Vacuum out moms car

~ Check all the fluids in moms car

~ Wash moms car

If it was something that they had recently been through the 'Grounding List' for I would up the anti and have them do all of the above for both mom and dads vehicles!

3. A child that leaves a trail of mess behind them...

The Consequence:

~ They are not permitted to 'use' what they made a mess with

~ They can not go out or have friends over until the list is complete

The 'Grounding List'

~ Solo dinner cleanup

~ Clean a siblings room

~ Take out the trash, from all of the household trash cans

~ 15 minutes of penalty clean-up time added for each thing I have to pick up behind you for while you are finishing this list

~ Write a list of 3 people that they would be embarrassed to see the house a mess, and two reasons for each person as to why they would be embarrassed

4. Exceeded their extra video games/computer time, etc:

The Consequence:

~ Turn in all electronics that they own (until the list is complete)

~ No T.V, computer or video games until the list is complete

The 'Grounding List' or 'Make it better list'...

~ Ride a bike for 20 minutes

~ Play a board game with the family

~ Take the dog for a 20 minute walk

~ Call two family members that live far away

...If the child is turning to video games I like to put things on the list that will reengage them with healthy activities.

Sometimes it is hard to set limits on electronics. When you turn them off, they can easily be turned right back on... Unless...

And their bodies busy to help them stay out of trouble

Prevention is the key to creating opportunities for success in a child's everyday life. Mistakes happen. It is a part of live and a reality that we all live with and can grow from, no matter our age.

If we can identify the strategies that our children can learn from once unfortunate situations occur, we can set them up for success!

What course of consequence will work for them to develop a healthy understanding of the mistake that they have made? Will they develop the much required, healthy skills that in the end teach them to grow and will require less disciplinary follow-up with every month that goes by.

If our children are exposed to situations and opportunities where they can have their minds engaged in a healthy way there will be less opportunity for them to misbehave. It can be as simple as a ball to toss in the yard, or as complex as a project that will take a 1000 pieces of Lego... The more opportunities that we create for them to behave the better their chances for success!