What exactly is self worth? Is it truly defined by words alone, or does one need to see actions accompany those words as well? My self worth fluctuates between empowerment and self destruction; as if comparing the powers of the sweltering sun to the power of pond scum. On days where I feel empowered, I refuse to accept the occasional negative comments, glances or suggestions that I am not the person that he is looking for. Things about me he feels need to be changed. On days when I feel that all we have worked for in this relationship is slipping through my fingers because of his sudden alienation or refusal to express his thoughts, I turn to jelly and I no longer have legs, rather I am a lifeless blob that sits and and produces liquid that cannot be stopped until I am fed some type of apology or recognition of the existence of my sorrows.
It is frustrating to me, that I cannot yet find a happy median, where I can realize that I am lovable with faults and dynamic with the strengths I bring to the relationship.
We both question what we feel about ourselves and realize that in order for the two of us to form a bond that will be strong enough to withstand our intermittant tribulations that surface sporadically in our relationship, we must first fight and kill the demons within that continue to repossess our souls; making it difficult to move forward without fear.
The fantasy of marriage is like a cloud over my head... beautiful in sight, stormy in memory of mine past, and somewhat transparent and not concrete where the future is concerned.
I guess my goal should be not hovering between present and the future. I should plant myself where I am now, nurture and feed the self doubt, the anger that arises within the two of us over our inability to console ourselves when we are in the midst of great self doubt, and make sure that our roots are strong enough to sprout outward toward a future that goes beyond the present week.
We love each other. No doubt. I often wonder, however, is love enough? Is that all it takes? Can love conquer all? Or, do factors beyond our control and vision dictate a future already mapped out? Is my Karma out of whack? Or does it evade me because I've never been able to perform a necessary exorcism to erase my heart of all the pain I've suffered before I met this man?
I guess time will tell. Focus, conversation, affirmation and love will line the path. I will continue to walk the walk with him for now. Neither of us are confident enough in ourselves to commit completely. There is always that shadow of self doubt shaking its ugly, domineering finger our way. I wish I could grab it and destroy it. My fear is that if I do, what will I have to cling to when I am uncertain? What will be my crutch? I will have to stand on my own and look at myself... raw, naked and ashamed; for having allowed myself to beat my ego up through the years for incidents beyond my control.
it's in the WRONG place 
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you signed up for HubPages. They provide the means you just have to write. Browse other hubs...click on their photo/avatars and it will take you there or click along the top and explore HP then go to *start a new hub*...capsules are provided with how you want to set up. Text is for typing your stuff...everything is self explanatory. Type in the search bar for help and look the Help tab. 
