Does anyone miss their family but at the same is unable to be around them?
First of all, I love my family but at the same time can't stand to be around them. I feel they do not accept me and yet I feel a need to obtain justification and approval from them in which I do not get. I find it very stressful not to have an family even though all my siblings are alive and moving on with their own lives and families while I cling to the good old days not adapting. How does someone with similar situations deal with this?
A resounding yes. It's a long and complicated story, but suffice to say that I had to make a decision to completely cut myself off from certain family members. They were poison to me, and they made it very clear that the only way they wouldn't hurt me is if I no longer interacted with them. I made that decision five years ago, and not a single word passed since then.
Though I know it was the right decision, it's still hard -- incredibly hard, some days. I know why the decision had to be made, but sometimes my thoughts still stray to the good times, and the positive aspects of their characters. There was a lot I loved about being around them. Unfortunately, that's also what kept me there until the day that knife got buried to the hilt in my back.
How do I deal with it? Take it one day at a time. Some days it's really hard to not reach out and contact these family members. I feel like I'm mourning someone that's dead, and I just want to go back to pretending they are who I thought they were and stop the grief cycle. So I find something else to do, maybe take my dog for a loooooong walk where I'm away from all computers and phones. If that fails, I tell someone I trust and who knows the situation about my desire to break the silence, and they help bring me back to earth.
On top of that, I'm constantly working on building my self-esteem and sense of self-worth, building a life where I can feel fulfilled, and most of the time that helps me think I don't care what they think. If I keep working on thinking positively and improving myself, I have hopes that I'll one day no longer feel the need for approval. I'm not going to get it, and I don't want to be the person sobbing over their headstones because they took that phantom token of approval to their graves.
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