How to deal with a toxic parent
Looking for those over 50 to please answer. The constant nitpicky criticism is emotionally draining & exhausting. Condescending, rude, hyper-critical means I can't have a normal conversation with Ma because she has no insight and just gets incredibly defensive.
She is still the only mother I have and I would like to have some relationship with her.
Well if that's how she is, then that's how she is ptosis....So accept the fact that she's nitpicky/critical etc, & see if you can control "your" feelings/emotions when talking with her....After all is said & done they are only words, & shouldn't bother you....So it's great practice for "you", & with practice it won't bother you what anyone says....Never be negative back, & see if she notices the change in you, then she might change herself....I mean unless she has good reason to treat you the way she does, then it's her problem & not yours.
Hi ptosis; Great image and SO true! Although I haven't reached 50 yet, I have had to deal with toxic family members. I'm going to guess that the things you long for in the relationship with your mom are, sadly, things you probably never had with her in the first place:
* a sense of trust built from being treated with respect;
* a sense of belonging originating from being with someone of like mind; and
* a sense of being important which comes from being taken seriously.
In my family, these were nice ideas, but never a reality. I also struggled with the whole, "Honour Thy Parents" thing and eventually learned that a) honouring doesn't mean subjecting yourself to their nasty behaviour; and b) you can still honour someone and keep them at arm's length.
There is so much that I'd like to share with you, but with the limited character count, I will say this: Sometimes the only thing that keeps us attached to toxic people is the memories of those brief happy moments with them and the desire to see if we can experience a similar moment again (forgetting or ignoring all the pain and misery between those moments). While we feel obligated to stay in contact with family members, but we're not. If your morals and values don't mesh, you are only making both of you unhappy by sticking around.
I have two hubs that discusses with what I went through and what I've learned to stay healthy, happy and sane. One is called, "Freeing Yourself From the Influences of Harmful Relatives," and the other is, "How to Honour Your Parents (or Spouse)". I hope they will help you ~*~
That's a tough situation because words and actions do hurt. That being said, it helps to come at this thing from a different angle. We all tend to have the expectation that parents should be "good" at nurturing their children. But the truth is that some parents totally suck at being parents, so the thing you have to do is release yourself from having any expectations from them.
In other words, accept that this false criticism they insist upon inflicting upon you has nothing to do with who you are and everything to do with who they are. The truth is that nothing is going to change. Your moms habits are ingrained for life. That being said, you can tell her gently that you do not agree with her and that if she wants to have a meaningful discussion, then you are more than available for that. Otherwise, you're not available.
But, I can pretty much guarantee you that nothing will change and that you will never have a meaningful relationship with your mom simply because she is not capable, or is lacking the needed empathy to formulate a loving relationship. But, at least you will no longer have to worry about it. You may have to distance yourself from her because... she really can affect your self-esteem if you're not careful. After a while, the constant propaganda can wear a person down.
Unfortunately, I speak from experience, but I'm at peace with the fact that I know the things I have been criticized for are false. I like myself very much even if my father hates the site of me--literally. Unfortunately, he is the one with the problem. You too will have to understand these things about your mother, (I'm sorry to say) even if you do honor her for giving you life, as I do my father. Best of luck to you!
Excellent words of insight and fabulous advice! ((Thank you for sharing)) I'm so glad (can I say proud without sounding weird/creepy?) that you not only saw the truth, but found a way to regain your sense of Self, respect and dignity.
Thank you, I Am Rosa. You are very kind and the word "proud" is not creepy at all. I appreciate your thoughtfulness very much.
I'm close enough to answer and more than qualified. *Gulp*
I have quite a few toxic members in my family, most of which I no longer have dealings with. I had a difficult childhood, which took a long time to work through. What I learned was to steer clear of "drama" and people who are "toxic." If I sense there's a problem, I simply walk away–no matter who it is.
Some people can't be helped, they don't want to, and they'll never change. But when you feel them sucking you dry of positive energy, it's best just to step away and not engage. Since it's your mom, and you still want to maintain a relationship with her, I'd recommend setting some ground rules with her (i.e., if you do "X," we'll have to end the call, etc.). And if she crosses the line, in person or on the phone, just end the call or leave.
Life is way too short for all that nonsense. Those who live to be right, often lose in the end... Just be the bigger man and walk away. ;-)
Yup! "If I want drama, I'll go to the theatre!" We call those "sucking" people emotional vampires.
Excellent advice about the ground rules. Assertiveness is sometimes hard for those who've had toxic parents.
That's it! I'm saving all the drama for my book. I just have to write it first! ;-)
by Rosa Marchisella 13 years ago
How do you deal with ungrateful family members who tear down your partner to others?Your parent calls and needs help (again). Your spouse drops everything and goes to their aid (again); genuinely happy to be helping - Every time .... Months later, you discover from other people that - even...
by Audrey Selig 7 years ago
How do you handle a close relative who keeps putting you down for no reason?
by Theresa Collins 8 years ago
Why do some families of the mentally ill turn their backs on them?I have seen many people who are truly, seriously, mentally ill with diagnosis such as Schizophrenia have no one, absolutely no one. Their families have disownded them. Although it is extremely difficult to deal with someone with that...
by Kordell Snowe 8 years ago
Is it normal for close family and friends to withhold information as a means of control.Etiquette Q: This is something that has bothered me since childhood with my mother and now with my girlfriend. I believe they purposely withhold information as a means of controlling a situation which I...
by HouseSeller 4 years ago
Ok I need to know what people think of this as this is driving me insane.I happen to be dating a divorced man and he has two daughters from his previous relationship. The younger one is 8 years and quiet frankly his relationship with her is very disturbing to me.We live together and every time she...
by Grace Marguerite Williams 12 years ago
Have you often felt that you had little or nothing in common with your family members? Maybe you believe that you were born in the wrong family. You and your family have wildly divergent and/or vastly different interests and tastes. Or perhaps, your family...
Copyright © 2025 The Arena Media Brands, LLC and respective content providers on this website. HubPages® is a registered trademark of The Arena Platform, Inc. Other product and company names shown may be trademarks of their respective owners. The Arena Media Brands, LLC and respective content providers to this website may receive compensation for some links to products and services on this website.
Copyright © 2025 Maven Media Brands, LLC and respective owners.
As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, hubpages.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.
For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://corp.maven.io/privacy-policy
Show DetailsNecessary | |
---|---|
HubPages Device ID | This is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons. |
Login | This is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service. |
Google Recaptcha | This is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy) |
Akismet | This is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy) |
HubPages Google Analytics | This is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy) |
HubPages Traffic Pixel | This is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized. |
Amazon Web Services | This is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy) |
Cloudflare | This is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy) |
Google Hosted Libraries | Javascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy) |
Features | |
---|---|
Google Custom Search | This is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy) |
Google Maps | Some articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy) |
Google Charts | This is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy) |
Google AdSense Host API | This service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy) |
Google YouTube | Some articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy) |
Vimeo | Some articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy) |
Paypal | This is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy) |
Facebook Login | You can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy) |
Maven | This supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy) |
Marketing | |
---|---|
Google AdSense | This is an ad network. (Privacy Policy) |
Google DoubleClick | Google provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy) |
Index Exchange | This is an ad network. (Privacy Policy) |
Sovrn | This is an ad network. (Privacy Policy) |
Facebook Ads | This is an ad network. (Privacy Policy) |
Amazon Unified Ad Marketplace | This is an ad network. (Privacy Policy) |
AppNexus | This is an ad network. (Privacy Policy) |
Openx | This is an ad network. (Privacy Policy) |
Rubicon Project | This is an ad network. (Privacy Policy) |
TripleLift | This is an ad network. (Privacy Policy) |
Say Media | We partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy) |
Remarketing Pixels | We may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites. |
Conversion Tracking Pixels | We may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service. |
Statistics | |
---|---|
Author Google Analytics | This is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy) |
Comscore | ComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy) |
Amazon Tracking Pixel | Some articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy) |
Clicksco | This is a data management platform studying reader behavior (Privacy Policy) |