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Shopping at Walmart.

Updated on April 15, 2017

You may want to go in disquise.

If you want to blend in.
If you want to blend in. | Source

Walmart

Today's economy demands we get our bargains where we can. Forcing consumers to places like Walmart to stretch the dollar can often be a form of cruel and unusual punishment. If you are easily offended Walmart may be a traumatizing experience. Post traumatic stress syndrome has been reported by many former Walmart shoppers.

If human behavior is fascinating to you then by all means race to your local Walmart. Shopping at Walmart is cheaper then going to the zoo and can always provide you with comic relief. Be aware of your personal space before entering any Walmart store. Lines will be crossed and offensive behavior will be the norm.

Proper Dress Required

Throw on some pajamas and head on out!

Does your fashion sense consist of two large breasts crammed into a tight t-shirt with no bra coupled with dirty pajama bottoms? If so you are properly attired for any shopping spree at your local Walmart. The only thing larger than the average Walmart shopper can be found in the bulk food aisle. The Scott-brand toilet tissue 24 pack averages out to be the general derrière width of many customers. As with any fashion statement accessories can make or break your look. If you want to really stand out from your fellow Walmart competition a sniveling,dirty, screaming child is a must have. To ensure you get attention make sure to scream at said child at every opportunity using the type of profanity that would make the average gangster blush.

Cover your eyes if you have any fashion sense-

Do not require employee assistance

A second must have for shopping successfully at Walmart is the ability to deal with average to low I.Q.’s. Unfortunately this rule also applies to some staff as well. True tale: A family member who really abhors Walmart needed to complete a home improvement project.He had dealt with Walmart in the past for business purposes and truly hated its management and how their employees were treated. Not wanting to drive to Target 30 minutes from home he opted to bite the bullet and traveled instead to the local Super Walmart. Super it seems as in super ill-equipped for sales.

As fate would have it when he pulled into Walmart’s parking lot he promptly ran over a screw that punctured his tire. Ignoring the fact that this was a sign from God to not venture any further he took his car to Walmart’s Tire and Auto-Center. Once there he was told by two bumbling idiots that they couldn't plug the tire because the puncture was near the rim and may blow out even if plugged.They had no tire but could only offer a rubber-donut which of course he would have to pay for.

Now consider this. What exactly does Walmart sell in its Tire and Auto-center? Tampons and sanitary napkins? Infuriated he went to a tire store also nearby where he was told it wasn't dangerous just a slow leak which they plugged for free. Now where do you think my family member is going to return to do business? Will he go to Walmart’s Tire and Auto center or a business that actually sells tires?

2nd True Tale

Another true tale courtesy of a fellow hub writer who for a period was a Walmart manager. He explained (see comments) that when stocking or doing product placement Walmart refers to it as facing the shelves. Apparently a young woman in training was told to face the shelves by a trainer. Two hours later while walking down the aisle he sees this young lady standing facing the shelves and crying hysterically. Now as management I am sure he calmly explained what the supervisor meant. Personally I'm sure he was hard pressed to not literally burst into laughter thus making her embarrassment even worse.

This story beautifully illustrates people will literally do what they are told without question.It may also solve the mystery of such poor customer service when shopping at Walmart. Aren't trainers supposed to actually train new employees? I will sleep better having acquired this knowledge. It will also explain the situation should I see any Walmart employees standing and staring at the products on the shelves with vacant expressions or tears on their faces.

Proper English Anyone?

The inability to speak English is also apparently a problem for some Walmart shoppers. I am not talking about our bilingual brothers and sisters or those perhaps visiting from another country. The people I am targeting are those with English as a native language. While waiting in line to purchase your items you may hear phrases such as, “Jus’ give the bags to ‘im!” I thought at the time this particular customer may have been related to Eliza Doolittle the flower girl from My Fair Lady. Beware subtitles are not offered during your shopping experience at Walmart it isn't the cancelled show Honey Boo-boo. All translation is up to you.

Profanity and obscene behavior also seem to be acceptable. Genital grabbing, nose-picking and removing the pants from the crack of your bum all seem to be the norm once you enter the store. If you have small children with you they may have the vocabulary and mannerisms of a drunken sailor by the time you exit the store. It is may be wise to re-think taking the kids along.

Must read for the Walmart shopper.

Just Curious

Do You Shop at Walmart?

See results

No Sin in Shopping at Walmart

I include myself in the legion of Americans that have no choice but to shop at discount stores. The only thing that doesn't cost anything today is air but you even have to pay for air if you are putting it into a tire. Times are tough and as noted the experience can supply some of us with free entertainment. Go in prepared and get out quick is my only suggestion on how to deal with stores such as Walmart.

While writing this I stopped often and reeled myself in. The reason people can enter a Walmart store ready for bed is the same reason I can write a satire on the store. We are Americans and have no problem throwing out convention or common sense when we want to. So if you don't like the pajama's just retreat to another aisle. Although I must warn you another pair could show up at any time. In all fairness, I am never bored when I absolutely must shop within Walmart's hallowed walls.

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    • billybuc profile image

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      I refuse to shop there. It is such a horrible experience that I just can't force myself to go. Love your approach to this. Put on some pajamas and head out for some quality shopping. :)

    • Annette Hendley profile image

      Annette Hendley 4 years ago from London, United Kingdom

      Laura this is really funny. We don't have Walmart and I must honestly say I always thought the pics circulating the internet have been altered. It is too strange to see the outfits. Everybody seem to have a problem keeping their butts and their boobs inside their clothes. I had a good laugh though.

    • LauraD093 profile image
      Author

      Laura Tykarski 4 years ago from Pittsburgh PA

      billybuc-thanks for your comment I was a little wary of moving forward with this I didn't want to insult anyone-but it is all in fun

      Annette-thanks I'm glad if provided a laugh I don't think you want Walmart inflicted on the people of Britain lol

    • Annette Hendley profile image

      Annette Hendley 4 years ago from London, United Kingdom

      I don't think the Brits would survive it. The worst we have are the Essex girl who are a bit too generous with the fake tan and then go through the summer with a bit of an overall orange tint. I am going to share it on FB. My friends will love it.

    • profile image

      Cuz 4 years ago

      Laura, it's written w/satire which is great but sadly much of it is soooo true. There is a good place for Walmart, if anyone is feeling really down go visit, you'll feel better about your life....did I admit that outloud. :)

    • LauraD093 profile image
      Author

      Laura Tykarski 4 years ago from Pittsburgh PA

      Thanks cuz glad U stped by the ole hubpages site to comment. Yes it it true...sad but true

    • LauraD093 profile image
      Author

      Laura Tykarski 4 years ago from Pittsburgh PA

      I hope your friends get a kick out of it---warn them the video is graphic lol

    • dailytop10 profile image

      dailytop10 4 years ago from Davao City

      I want to be a greater at Walmart..haha this hub reminds me about Walter..lol

    • Kathryn Stratford profile image

      Kathryn 4 years ago from Manchester, Connecticut

      Before I saw that video, I have never seen "back boob". I hope I never see it again!

      This is very humorous, and it does seem to be that bad most of the time I go there. When we go there, we refer to it as "going slumming". I have to say, there was one Wal-Mart I have been to that I like, where the customers seem normal and fashionably unoffensive, with clean aisles and a decent amount of employees to help out. One store. That was in Lynchburg, Virginia, and I went there all of the time. But when I moved to Connecticut.... I started going to Target.

      This is a very amusing article, thanks for making me laugh! I shared this on Google +, as well as here on HP.

    • Mr Archer profile image

      Mr Archer 4 years ago from Missouri

      As a former "associate" and Manager of the above mentioned "Hellmart", I have seen things which would turn your hair white and fall out in less than an hour. Men dressed as women trying on women's underwear in the women's dressing room; butt cracks the size of the Grand Canyon; a female manager of the local adult movie store trolling for an evening's entertainment; a 6'5" African American he/she male looking at you over their glasses and saying "Mm, mm MMM!" Still gives me the shivers. Then there were the associates who took some things too literally. Like the young lady who, on her first day on the floor, was instructed to "face" the shelves. This means they are to front the product and make the shelves look good. When her manager checked on her two hours later, she was still standing in the same spot, crying. She thought she was to face the shelves, standing and looking at them. Two hours!

      Nice look back into my past here. We only go there is we have to now; preferring to shop at a local Grocery Store and pay a little more, but actually we spend less because we don't buy all the impulse items we do at Hellmart. Try it; it's more fun but you do miss out on the local wildlife.

    • LauraD093 profile image
      Author

      Laura Tykarski 4 years ago from Pittsburgh PA

      My punishment for hating the store so much is probably going to be that my last job ...is going to be a Walmart greater! Thanks for your comment.

    • LauraD093 profile image
      Author

      Laura Tykarski 4 years ago from Pittsburgh PA

      OMG the back boobs I too never want to see them again lol! Thanks for your comment.

    • LauraD093 profile image
      Author

      Laura Tykarski 4 years ago from Pittsburgh PA

      Your comment cracked me up-if I ever edit I'll contact you for permission to use your story as well...face the shelves lol-thanks for your comment.

    • Kathryn Stratford profile image

      Kathryn 4 years ago from Manchester, Connecticut

      @ Mr Archer, that last girl you talked about is the funniest thing I have heard in a while! Sounds like a stereotypical blond moment! I am surprised the manager didn't make sure she knew what "facing" was, but I am also surprised that she would do what she did without question. Wow.

    • Mr Archer profile image

      Mr Archer 4 years ago from Missouri

      Laura, you go right ahead and use it if you want. There are so many things I have seen and heard that if I let them out I won't sleep for a week.

      Kathryn, thank you. Glad I could make your day there. And you know, I hate to say it but she wasn't blond - she was a brunette! Some people will just do what they're told, no matter what. Without question.

    • LauraD093 profile image
      Author

      Laura Tykarski 4 years ago from Pittsburgh PA

      Thanks down the line if editing is necessary I probably will. Frightening isn't it that some folks will do things without question...great story.

    • profile image

      Ruth Lanham 4 years ago

      Very funny hub...thanks for the laughs!

    • LisaMarie724 profile image

      Lisa Stover 4 years ago from Pittsburgh PA

      This had me cracking up! Funny, thanks for writing this.

    • LauraD093 profile image
      Author

      Laura Tykarski 4 years ago from Pittsburgh PA

      Thanks after reading your "F" bomb hub I hope you weren't offended by the you-tube insert-I just had to! thanks for your comment:)

    • LauraD093 profile image
      Author

      Laura Tykarski 4 years ago from Pittsburgh PA

      I must admit this one I really really enjoyed writing-thanks

    • prospectboy profile image

      Bradrick H. 4 years ago from Texas

      Lol, super funny hub. I personally don't like going in Wal-Mart, but I was in there just tonight, and it was definitely a hectic experience like it normally is. Definitely got a good laugh from this one. Voted up, and rated funny. Keep on writing!

    • LauraD093 profile image
      Author

      Laura Tykarski 4 years ago from Pittsburgh PA

      Your attitude is so positive-On my bad days I use you and Lisa as my private cheer-leading tsquad Thanks for your comment and support I am grateful you both are part of the hub-community.

    • teaches12345 profile image

      Dianna Mendez 4 years ago

      I have seen those customers walking around in pajamas, it is not such a pretty sight. I only shop there as needed, extreme need! However, they do have some really good prices and quality items I can't find any place else.

    • LauraD093 profile image
      Author

      Laura Tykarski 4 years ago from Pittsburgh PA

      I know it's like they have you in a monopoly head-lock-Families now days need the bargains and good ole Walmart exploits that to the fullest. Thanks for commenting teaches nice to see your smiling face:)

    • RunAbstract profile image

      RunAbstract 3 years ago from USA

      I hate shopping at WalMart! But I will relate another true story... once when traveling, we had to buy an item for the family pet, and all we could find at the late hour was WalMart. Against my better judgement I went shopping. I think I was in the worst WalMart of all WalMarts! There was an armed guard on duty at the entrance. The floor was being cleaned near the pet section with the same type of riding machine the parking lot of my local WalMart is cleaned with. But there was so much CRAP in the floor, I actually understood the logic... Sadly. The customers also shopping at the late hour of my shopping stop all seemed to look pale and "druppy", or pale and wide eyed. (Spooky!) The cashier was also a bit odd.

      I left ASAP, and got in the car as fast as I could, then BURNT RUBBER! It was so WEIRD!!!!

      Loved your Hub!

    • LauraD093 profile image
      Author

      Laura Tykarski 3 years ago from Pittsburgh PA

      Glad you enjoyed the hub-Wal-mart for me at any time of the day is frightening but at night? No way!

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