Shopping at Walmart.

Today's economy demands we get our bargains where we can. Forcing consumers to places like Walmart to stretch the dollar can often be a form of cruel and unusual punishment. If you are easily offended Walmart may be a traumatizing experience. Post traumatic stress syndrome has been reported by many former Walmart shoppers.

If human behavior is fascinating to you then by all means race to your local Walmart. Shopping at Walmart is cheaper then going to the zoo and can always provide you with comic relief. Be aware of your personal space before entering any Walmart store. Lines will be crossed and offensive behavior will be the norm.

Does your fashion sense consist of two large breasts crammed into a tight t-shirt with no bra coupled with dirty pajama bottoms? If so you are properly attired for any shopping spree at your local Walmart. The only thing larger than the average Walmart shopper can be found in the bulk food aisle. The Scott-brand toilet tissue 24 pack averages out to be the general derrière width of many customers. As with any fashion statement accessories can make or break your look. If you want to really stand out from your fellow Walmart competition a sniveling,dirty, screaming child is a must have. To ensure you get attention make sure to scream at said child at every opportunity using the type of profanity that would make the average gangster blush.

A second must have for shopping successfully at Walmart is the ability to deal with average to low I.Q.’s. Unfortunately this rule also applies to some staff as well. True tale: A family member who really abhors Walmart needed to complete a home improvement project.He had dealt with Walmart in the past for business purposes and truly hated its management and how their employees were treated. Not wanting to drive to Target 30 minutes from home he opted to bite the bullet and traveled instead to the local Super Walmart. Super it seems as in super ill-equipped for sales.

As fate would have it when he pulled into Walmart’s parking lot he promptly ran over a screw that punctured his tire. Ignoring the fact that this was a sign from God to not venture any further he took his car to Walmart’s Tire and Auto-Center. Once there he was told by two bumbling idiots that they couldn't plug the tire because the puncture was near the rim and may blow out even if plugged.They had no tire but could only offer a rubber-donut which of course he would have to pay for.

Now consider this. What exactly does Walmart sell in its Tire and Auto-center? Tampons and sanitary napkins? Infuriated he went to a tire store also nearby where he was told it wasn't dangerous just a slow leak which they plugged for free. Now where do you think my family member is going to return to do business? Will he go to Walmart’s Tire and Auto center or a business that actually sells tires?

Another true tale courtesy of a fellow hub writer who for a period was a Walmart manager. He explained (see comments) that when stocking or doing product placement Walmart refers to it as facing the shelves. Apparently a young woman in training was told to face the shelves by a trainer. Two hours later while walking down the aisle he sees this young lady standing facing the shelves and crying hysterically. Now as management I am sure he calmly explained what the supervisor meant. Personally I'm sure he was hard pressed to not literally burst into laughter thus making her embarrassment even worse.

This story beautifully illustrates people will literally do what they are told without question.It may also solve the mystery of such poor customer service when shopping at Walmart. Aren't trainers supposed to actually train new employees? I will sleep better having acquired this knowledge. It will also explain the situation should I see any Walmart employees standing and staring at the products on the shelves with vacant expressions or tears on their faces.

The inability to speak English is also apparently a problem for some Walmart shoppers. I am not talking about our bilingual brothers and sisters or those perhaps visiting from another country. The people I am targeting are those with English as a native language. While waiting in line to purchase your items you may hear phrases such as, “Jus’ give the bags to ‘im!” I thought at the time this particular customer may have been related to Eliza Doolittle the flower girl from My Fair Lady. Beware subtitles are not offered during your shopping experience at Walmart it isn't the cancelled show Honey Boo-boo. All translation is up to you.

Profanity and obscene behavior also seem to be acceptable. Genital grabbing, nose-picking and removing the pants from the crack of your bum all seem to be the norm once you enter the store. If you have small children with you they may have the vocabulary and mannerisms of a drunken sailor by the time you exit the store. It is may be wise to re-think taking the kids along.

I include myself in the legion of Americans that have no choice but to shop at discount stores. The only thing that doesn't cost anything today is air but you even have to pay for air if you are putting it into a tire. Times are tough and as noted the experience can supply some of us with free entertainment. Go in prepared and get out quick is my only suggestion on how to deal with stores such as Walmart.

While writing this I stopped often and reeled myself in. The reason people can enter a Walmart store ready for bed is the same reason I can write a satire on the store. We are Americans and have no problem throwing out convention or common sense when we want to. So if you don't like the pajama's just retreat to another aisle. Although I must warn you another pair could show up at any time. In all fairness, I am never bored when I absolutely must shop within Walmart's hallowed walls.