An Easy Guide Of How To Spot Smart Alecs

Spotting smart alecs,

in short,

1. sneering looks
2. curling lips upward
3. scowls on faces
4. smart remarks
5. physical touching
6. threatening
7. loud, abusive talk
8. self-centered attitude

Let me ask you a question. Have you ever in your life, met a true smart alec? I mean a true-blue smart alec who gave new meaning to vulgar behavior, nasty language, and and an overall know-it-all attitude? I have. And when they left my life, I did not shed one tear for I was too busy jumping up and down celebrating the fact that I would never see these “thorns on the side of life” again.

Now let me ask you a theological question. Did God create smart alecs or did they just evolve from a once-humble person into the obnoxious person that they became? I don’t assume that God had anything to do with smart alecs and their boisterous, brazen, and uncalled for actions and comments anywhere they happen to be.

People used to tell me that “Smart alecs are to be pitied for they don’t know right from wrong,” hogwash! They do know more than they let on. They know how to make our lives miserable. That takes intelligence if you can call it that. They know how to interrupt people when they are engaged in a serious conversation with other people. So I cannot go the ‘pitiful route’ that most of today’s society travels when a problem like smart alecs surface.

I am now 57 years of age and in my younger years it was easy to spot a smart alec. They all wore that trademark sneer on their lips--one lip curling up like Elvis Presley. And they mostly smoked Marlboro cigarettes for everyone to see--teachers, policemen, clergymen. Everyone. These smart alecs could care less about being disciplined. They lived in the principal’s office. They might as well gave them a folding cot, blankets, and a sandwich and just let them live in the school principal’s office. What an idea that would have been in 1972, my senior year of high school at my dear old alma mater, Hamilton High School, Hamilton, Alabama.

The same smart alecs wore their shirt-tails outside of their pants. A direct violation of the dress code in my high school. Sometimes, they wore their shirts open allowing girls to see their enlarged girths due to beer guzzling at nighttime. And these smart alecs had ‘that’ way of talking to others. “Man,” “I dig,” “Get lost, loser,” and “Who? Me?” Were their ‘cool’ coded language that meant one thing: Teachers would not see any cooperation out of them for that school day. It was like the smart alecs ruled the school. Teachers feared them. I only wonder now why our principal, Joe L.Sargent, didn’t wise up and call the local police to escort these troublemakers from the campus. I do know. He feared the smart alecs parents and lawyers who would definitely bring an unwanted lawsuit against Sargent and the school system. Sargent, and all the teachers, did what they could to just tolerate these gangs of smart alecs.

But these smart alecs were not that intelligent. Even with their vulgar language, smoking, talking in class, and putting their feet on their desks, not a none of these cool guys ever thought about making money the old fashioned way: Extortion. That’s a true statement. They mostly just slouched up against their lockers yelling sexual innuendo’s to the pretty girls walking by and just being smart alecs. What a shame that they didn’t have brains enough to make their tough-guy ways work for them. And it was said of these smart alecs that they could even buy bootlegged beer at one of our many local bootleggers--without an I.D. Even seasoned, law-benders like bootleggers feared these ruffians who were sometimes referred to as hooligans.

Smart alecs that I have known all walk slowly holding their heads to the side as a way of saying, “Don’t mess with me for I am a smart alec,” and that body language spoke to us students who were afraid of our parents and teachers, but soon, we started trying to dress (a little) and talk (a little) like our ‘outlaw’ smart alecs at school, but our well-planned attempts to become our own brand of smart alecs, failed miserably. Our parents were not only from ‘the old school,’ but helped to build it and they were tough disciplinarians. They meant what they said and that was NO dressing, talking, walking or acting like these smart alecs that were now hanging out around town--securing the street corners to gaze at women, (I guess some females liked this attention), snarl their noses at the police and just do what they wanted to do. And when they did commit a misdemeanor crime, they knew just how to get away with it by not hanging around the crime scene and always having witnesses saying (lying) that the smart alecs were with them that night.

Smart alecs, for some reason that defies the legendary psychiatrist, Sigmund Freud, just have to start a fight with a weaker person. It’s like their minds are managed by an evil force that when a weakling is near them, suddenly, without warning, the smart alec jumps like a jungle cat and says in his usual bellowing, “Hey, buddy! How’d ya’ like for me tuh beat that rump? No charge!” Of course the passive weakling would utter a sheepish answer, ‘no,’ and it was on from there. The smart alec would intimidate the weakling by saying, “What? I’m not good enough to beat your rump? You think your rump is better than me?” And woe to the one, unthinking weakling who would answer, (possibly his last time), “Yeah, my rump is much cleaner than you are!” And the weakling would be carted off to the principal’s office so his parents could pick him up and take him to the emergency room.

And this violent, aggressive behavior would spill over into the smart alec’s home and worksite--that is if he ever matured enough to have a home, job, and family who could stand him. The garden variety smart alec used violence, verbal and aggressive behavior against his kids, wife, and coworkers--shouting at them, threatening them to do it ‘their’ way or it was ‘fist city’ for whomever didn’t comply with the smart alec’s instructions. Smart alecs would, on the first day of the job, like a Golden Eagle picking out its prey, pick out the humble employees who wanted to work and get along with others, to be the smart alec’s gofer at break and lunch time. Although the smart alec was not in management, they still insisted on the humble, pacifist employees to get them something to eat and drink--even paying with their own money. And woe to the unthinking humble employee who dared to say, “That’s a buck fifty-five, Butch,” then it was on big time. The smart alec would first snarl at the humble employee now shaking in his shoes and pale from fear and then bellow, “You expect me to pay you back? Is that what these ears are hearing?” Then the unthinking humble employee woul take his life into his two hand and reply, “Well now, Butch, it was MY money, and I have to eat like you. Understand?” At some point of that afternoon or when the employees were clocking out for the day, the smart alec would pounce on the browbeaten employee--first curse him out and then sweep the ground with his face. The sharp-thinking smart alec would add injury to injury by again, bellowing, “See what happens to worms who do not buy my snacks and lunch? Huh? From now on, ‘junior,’ you will buy my snacks at break and lunch--everyday and you will pay for it, or you will get worse out of me next time.” The poor, beaten humble employee would garner laughter from other employees and hide the shame from his wife and kids--never calling the authorities or informing the plant superintendent of this smart alec’s criminal behavior for fear of his life and the lives of his wife and kids.

The only redeemable position in life for a true smart alec would be that of a drill sergeant in the United States Marines. This is where these smart alec, bully-types belong. Why don’t the school systems of the United States, upon finding out that there are unreachable smart alecs in their midst, just start a process, maybe a law could be passed, that instead of a taxpayer-funded trial that the smart alec would win anyway, just ship the smart alec to the Marines instead of serving time in jail? This would eliminate some of our nation’s massive debt and possibly strengthen our military and also possibly making good citizens out of many of our smart alec types.

Here is my own personal List of Smart Alecs that I think you will agree, belong on this list.

1. Biff , the smart alec on Back to The Future. George McFly’s low-life supervisor

2. Jud Nelson’s ‘criminal,‘ character, Binder in The Breakfast Club

3. William Smith , western character actor and cast only as outcast, outlaw troublemakers

4. Sheldon , on Big Bang Theory

5. Russell Dunbar , (David Spade), on Rules of Engagement

6. Warren Jeffs , self-acclaimed ‘prophet’ on trial for molesting young girls

7. Vic Morrow , who played the lead smart alec in Glenn Ford’s “Blackboard Jungle”

8. Rocky Balboa’s Russian opponent

9. Hawkeye Pierce , although Alan Alda played a gifted surgeon, his character was a smart alec

10. Mrs. Olsen on “Little House On The Prairie”

11. Jeff Peterson , convicted for murdering is wife and acting remorseful

12. Eddie Haskell , “Leave It To Beaver,” I loved him, but what an all-time smart alec

13. Ed O’Neill , the older brother of Rick Moran is, in “Little Giants”

14. Al Capone , master criminal and professional smart alec

In closing, I can only assume or imagine, that if the truth were known, the lives of smart Alec's are hellish and miserable--having no real friends, no fun at any point of their lives, and never really having that sense of belonging. But the breed of smart Alec's keep breeding and reproducing each day that God sends. I do agree that smart Alec's do have a right as a human being to take advantage of the opportunities that are given to them.

Smart Alec's are, after all, human beings. They just need special attention and social training on how to flow with society in a positive, productive manner.

But smart Alec's, please do your re-birthing somewhere away from us older citizens and besides, we have no change to buy your snack and lunch items.