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Buy Belgian Chocolate Online : Join the Great Confectionery Conspiracy

Updated on August 22, 2013
Photo by noukorama @ Flickr Creative Commons
Photo by noukorama @ Flickr Creative Commons

Buy Belgian Chocolate Online : Join the Great Confectionery Conspiracy

This is a special alert to all operatives across the world to warn of a threat to our livelihood, safety and security. The Government of the rogue terror state of Belgium is up to something.

Chocolate production in the country has increased exponentially in the past several weeks by a massive 6,000%.

Stockpiles are being accumulated under the façade of increased sales for National Chocolate Day in the USA.

This will be be a precursor to the Christmas manufacturing period to meet the festive demand for dullards unable to buy genuine presents for their wives and girlfriends, or even their mistresses.

Monastery watch

To further darken the muddy waters of espionage it seems there is evidence of a parallel campaign in beer production.

Unbeknownst to all but the most informed there are over 400 different types of beers regularly brewed in Belgium. Furthermore, if you add temporary and limited editions this can rise to over 1,000.

More than a Scotsman can drink in one night or an Irishman in one afternoon, even without talking. Not only that but many beers are brewed by specially assigned Trappist Monasteries in hidden locations away from satellite reconnaissance.

Men specially chosen for their ability to withhold their secrets even under intense interrogation and torture. Wiretaps and other bugging devices were installed by MI6 in two monasteries in Limburg until it was realised the futility of the exercise. The British sacked two field agents for stupidity and eight were demoted for ignorance in the face of the enemy.

But have you not considered how a small inoffensive country like Belgium with seemingly stable and sober habits can be host to so much beer production?

They are obviously exporting this dangerous product using their Ultra-Secret Cistercians and Dominican Friars to clandestinely insinuate the flow abroad.

Aided and abetted by covert Nuns of the Missionary Sisters of the ‘Immaculati Cordis Mariae’.

A ruthless force of highly-trained female commandos operating for Belgian Army Special Forces each supplied with a sharpened crucifix and a becoming smile.

The Government line

Last year a similar plan to increase Christmas beer production in tandem with chocolate output failed as the Belgian population got uproariously drunk to obliterate their worries about the credit-crunch and swallowed most of the excess.

A belated Happy Christmas to them all indeed.

Belgium’s Trade Minister Dirk von Pukieyeen has spoken in public claiming innocently that:

“This is simply our economic solution to keep our country out of recession.

When people cannot afford to go out, or go shopping, there is nothing they like better than to sit in front of the television in their cardigans with some chocolate and a few bottles of beer.

Are we seriously to believe that Belgium is relying on battalions of shiftless couch potatoes to energise their country’s fortunes? This is palpable nonsense. There is a much more sinister hidden agenda that must be exposed.

Photo by smabs sputzer @ Flickr Creative Commons
Photo by smabs sputzer @ Flickr Creative Commons

The US operation

It is believed that the ultimate goal is to specifically target the USA and worsen the US national obesity problem. This will be achieved by encouraging excess alcohol consumption to obliterate the misery at a time of economic hardship and concerns for the future of Paris Hilton’s movie career.

By flooding the Malls and corner stores of America with cheap imports of Stella Artois, Duvel and Hoegaarden these fiendish Belgian racketeers aim to saturate the market and push traditional favourites Budweiser, Coors and Miller from the shelves.

Only the Christmas shortage prevented a sustained attack on the TV audience at this years Super Bowl.

Peanuts, pretzels and potato chips were not at risk.

jurvetson @ Flickr
jurvetson @ Flickr

According to the National Confectioners Association of America, 52% of Americans declared that they preferred chocolate to any other candy products.

This is approximately 150 million people who are at risk from this Belgian conspiracy.

President Obama has ordered contingency plans if this offensive is put into action.

He may even be compelled to ban National Chocolate Day in October and blame the Republicans.

The town of Hershey, Pennsylvania has been put on high alert although they don’t know it yet.

Ted Nugent has been kept occupied in order not to inflame the situation and detract from the long running anti-French offensive.

He is currently guarding against French imports of wine and chocolate gateaux but may be redeployed.

A life-long analyst of comestible espionage activities, Mr Alberquerque Junction, has been largely ridiculed and ignored for highlighting his belief that there is a plan for domination of the world chocolate and alcohol markets.

From the security of his hospital respite ward he has stated:

“This is a classic strategy of an intense influx of chocolate fancies and specially brewed ales to undermine the strength of America. This leaves Belgium unfettered power to build a new chocolate Empire across the cake shops of the World. They’re even gonna try to sell booze to the Arabs”.

iwona kellie @ Flickr
iwona kellie @ Flickr

Of course given the expensive nature of most Belgian chocolate this will be a specifically aimed operation at the higher echelons.

Fresh-Cream ‘Chocolate Ballotins’, ‘Gianduja Pralines’ and ‘Prestige Milk & Dark-Chocolate Napolitains’ will be ruthlessly promoted.

This will be in conjunction with a campaign to sell more aesthetic beers such as Kasteelbier-Ingelmunster, Westveleteren Acht Blue Cap and Pee Klak. However, this latter beer may undergo a name change to make it more appealing to the uninitiated.

noukorama @ Flickr
noukorama @ Flickr

A Song for Europe

There has been a real breakthrough however, as MI6 have broken a secret code used by the Belgian Secret Service to send messages to their sleeper agents.

The annual Eurovision Song Contest takes place every year in Europe against public demand.

In 2009 it was in Moscow and the Belgian entry unusually contained words of ‘Gobbledygook’ including the following lines;

“Julissi na jalyni, julissi na dytini, bulo diti non slukati, Sestrone dina katsu”.

Ostensibly to serve as a unifying instrument of peace within the diverse linguistic communities in the country who normally cannot stand each other, it was of course, nothing of the sort but a call to arms invoking their deadly forces to;

“Unbox the chocolate, break out the beer, the time has come for action, forward to victory”.

Terry Wogan was not available for comment, nor thankfully were noted Euro-commentators Carol Thatcher and Jeremy Clarkson.

Fortunately the plan was foiled by a secret operation that prevented it spreading after initial Belgian success and there has been no repeat in subsequent contests. However the Belgian entries have continued to be hideous tunes.

Remain vigilant

We are now on ‘Code Red’. Leave no stone unturned, no lead unfollowed, no beer-truck or chocolate box uninvestigated.

I know you will not let me down. And remember my friends if you do receive a box of chocolates please, please be aware of the country of origin as well as checking the sell-by date.

That is all.

_________________________________________________________

Photo by Jess and Peter @ Flickr Creative Commons
Photo by Jess and Peter @ Flickr Creative Commons

Comments

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    • Shinkicker profile imageAUTHOR

      Shinkicker 

      6 years ago from Scotland

      Cheers for reading jandee

      All the best, look forward to reading more of your hubs

    • jandee profile image

      jandee 

      6 years ago from Liverpool.U.K

      'Good Larf'

    • Shinkicker profile imageAUTHOR

      Shinkicker 

      6 years ago from Scotland

      Cheers CollB and B-2-B

      Yes, tell the Americans to come over to Europe. We have a huge EC chocolate mountain.

    • b2b-sales-europe profile image

      b2b-sales-europe 

      6 years ago from Berlin, Germany

      Great! Super! Spectacular! I love belgian chocolate!

      They don't have to target the US market - lets keep something good for good old Europe and make them come over to experience the taste! Travelling is the bigger industry, lets promote it!

    • profile image

      CollB 

      7 years ago

      Belgian chocolate - who would refuse a gift/box such as this? Nice hub.

    • Shinkicker profile imageAUTHOR

      Shinkicker 

      8 years ago from Scotland

      Sorry Micky

      Only praline and nut cracknel left!

    • Micky Dee profile image

      Micky Dee 

      8 years ago

      Those Belgians are diabolical! Pass some chocolate!

    • Shinkicker profile imageAUTHOR

      Shinkicker 

      8 years ago from Scotland

      YUM YUM YUMMY!!! Marian :-)

      I think this Hub has defeated its own purpose.

      Chocolate is too irresistible :-)

    • profile image

      MarianG 

      8 years ago

      YUM!

    • Shinkicker profile imageAUTHOR

      Shinkicker 

      8 years ago from Scotland

      'The Belch' lol ...love that Woody.

      Of course you will know that the infamous 'Battle of the Bulge' was fought in the Ardenne which is in ..... Ah yes you know the rest

    • Woody Marx profile image

      Woody Marx 

      8 years ago from Ontario, Canada

      Shin: I have long suspected the Belgians, or as the plural puts it 'The Belch' have been up to something and now we know what it is! You have informed us about a threat that we should keep all our tastebuds in high alert for. ;)

    • Shinkicker profile imageAUTHOR

      Shinkicker 

      8 years ago from Scotland

      Hi 2uesday

      Glad you enjoyed the fun. Thanks for commenting

    • 2uesday profile image

      2uesday 

      8 years ago

      After reading this and laughing - I just have to check out your hub on Italian wine.

    • Shinkicker profile imageAUTHOR

      Shinkicker 

      8 years ago from Scotland

      Hi Ethel

      It doesn't love my teeth , or my skin either :-)

    • ethel smith profile image

      Ethel Smith 

      8 years ago from Kingston-Upon-Hull

      I love chocolate but it only loves my hips and belly. Boo

    • profile image

      jean 

      8 years ago

      No you didn't LOL and

      I always enjoy good dark chocolate :)

    • Shinkicker profile imageAUTHOR

      Shinkicker 

      8 years ago from Scotland

      I didn't put you off then Jean :-)

      Hope you enjoyed it.

    • profile image

      Jean 

      8 years ago

      After reading that article I had to have some :)

    • Shinkicker profile imageAUTHOR

      Shinkicker 

      8 years ago from Scotland

      Ya gotta love it Ron :-)

      But don't be indoctrinated. Fresh fruit and yoghurt are just as good

    • zzron profile image

      zzron 

      8 years ago from Houston, TX.

      Cool hub, I love chocolate :)

    • Shinkicker profile imageAUTHOR

      Shinkicker 

      8 years ago from Scotland

      Hello Jean

      I did say something about chocolate, I said a lot about chocolate. Maybe I shouldn't have but I did :-)

    • profile image

      Jean 

      8 years ago

      Chocolate ? did you say something about Chocolate ? and

      Why don't it love you Stevie ?

    • Shinkicker profile imageAUTHOR

      Shinkicker 

      8 years ago from Scotland

      Belgian beer can break down my resolve too CM. Love the stuff :-)

    • carolina muscle profile image

      carolina muscle 

      8 years ago from Charlotte, North Carolina

      I will remain vigilant against the menace... unless that means I cant drink Belgian chocky or drink Belgian beer, that is..... LOL

    • Shinkicker profile imageAUTHOR

      Shinkicker 

      8 years ago from Scotland

      Hi Rob

      Me too but it don't love me :-)

    • Robwrite profile image

      Rob 

      8 years ago from Oviedo, FL

      Funny. I love chocolate!

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