The Worst Food Recipes of All-Time
I have a confession to make: I have always wanted to write an article detailing a few recipes that have been handed down to me over the years. What has held me back is the conviction that I could not possibly do as good a job as many who have come before me. I mean, writing recipes is for someone with skills that far exceed my own. What business do I have wasting the time of my readers with this nonsense and make no mistake about it, nonsense it is!
However, it occurred to me that there just might be throngs of people out there in the real world who could benefit from my “expertise.” Seriously, I’ve lived into my sixth decade so I must be doing something right, and since many of those years were spent fending for myself in the kitchen one could draw the conclusion that maybe what knowledge I have about food could be beneficial to someone else.
So here we have my first ever article about recipes. I hope you are kind in your reviews; I have tried not to be too detailed in my directions. I fully understand that there are those out there who are “kitchen-challenged” and so I have tried to dumb down my recipes so just about anyone can follow them. I think you will all agree that I have achieved that goal.
Spam Ala Carte
Ingredients:
1 can of Spam
Directions:
1) Open can and dump contents on a plate
2) Skim off the slimy junk
3) Eat
Option: you can also heat this delicious dish up in the microwave.
What do you think? Sounds great, right? Let me tell you, nothing says bachelor like a can of Spam! You can eat it cold, heated and the truly beautiful thing about it is that it will last seemingly forever. Mix it with some eggs or toss it in with some noodles. My God, the possibilities are endless!
One word of caution: make sure you have no plans for a few hours after eating this gourmet meal. You might want to be near a toilet until it completely clears your system. The nice thing about it is that it will clear your system rather quickly so no worries!
Velveeta in a Blanket
Ingredients:
One pound of Velveeta Cheese
One package of Saltine Crackers
Butter
Directions:
1) Spread butter on two Saltine crackers.
2) Cut thin slices of Velveeta and place one piece of cheese between the buttered crackers.
3) Eat
Option: Do steps 1-3 and then heat in microwave for fifteen seconds. Yummy!
Option 2: Add a piece of Spam between the crackers. Double Yummy!
Oh of course there are skeptics out there who poo-poo Velveeta. They will tell you it isn’t nutritious and it is mostly preservatives and chemicals and on and on and I tell you that it’s all nonsense. Once again we have a food that will last for quite some time if wrapped properly. What I love about this recipe is that it makes an excellent meal or it can be used as a great snack if you have company coming over. The perfect all-purpose food! Do you have buddies coming over to watch the big game? Velveeta in a blanket is your answer! Do you have a major babe stopping by after work? Dazzle her with this thoughtful dish. She will melt in your arms after tasting this great cuisine!
Festive Hotdogs
Ingredients:
One package hotdogs
One pound Velveeta Cheese
One green pepper
Directions:
1) Slice the hotdogs lengthwise
2) Place a strip of Velveeta inside the hotdog
3) Sprinkle peppers
4) Heat in microwave for 30 seconds
5) Eat
This delectable dish is by no means meant for just any occasion. This is for those special events when only the best is expected. The Velveeta perfectly compliments the hotdog and the peppers will leave you gasping for more. What a beautiful dish this is with the green of the peppers in contrast to the yellow of the cheese…..Magnifique!
There are those who will tell you that hotdogs are not good for you, that they are just ground up pig guts and to those people I say GET A LIFE! What could be more American than a good hotdog? Anybody who badmouths hotdogs needs to be grilled by the CIA or the House Committee On Un-American Activities.
For a great variation and one that is sure to please the most discerning taste buds, boil some elbow macaroni and then melt the cheese and cut up the hotdogs. Mix them all together for an out-of-this-world Mac-n-Cheese-n-Dog meal that is usually served at the finer dining establishments like Bob’s Truck Stop in Topeka and Billy Joe’s Cajun Café in Tupelo.
Finger Lickin’ Lays
Ingredients:
One pound bag of Lays Potato Chips
One pound of Velveeta Cheese
One can of Spam
One green pepper
Directions:
1) Chop up Spam into bite chunks
2) Dice the pepper
3) Thinly slice Velveeta into strips
4) Pour potato chips onto a platter and sprinkle pepper, spam and cheese on top
5) Heat in microwave for 30 seconds
6) Eat
Are you planning a party anytime soon? Here is the perfect solution for any big gathering, a platter of scrumptious Finger Lickin’ Lays. I’m telling you your guests will leave quite satisfied and begging for your recipe. Either that or they will leave very quickly to get a bite to eat on the way home; either way you are a success.
This was a big hit in college and has served me well over the years. It comes with the Billybuc Seal of Approval so you know it is fantastic!
Will you try any of these recipes?
Stay Tuned for More Recipes, Coming Soon
The beauty of these recipes is that they all use basically the same ingredients. You can go to the store, purchase about thirty dollars worth of food and be set for meals for a couple weeks. How cool is that? More money left over for a nice bottle of wine for your meals. I would suggest the Boones Farm 1976, an exquisite bouquet that has a hint of rotten apple in its aroma. You could also go with a nice Mad Dog 20/20, 1981, aged to perfection and guaranteed to flush that colon of yours.
I wish I had more time to share other recipes with you today but Bev is calling me to dinner. Some nonsense about Chef Salad and Pheasant Under Glass. I need to go set her straight once and for all.
Until next time….Bon Appetite!
2012 William D. Holland (aka billybuc)
