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The Worst Food Recipes of All-Time

Updated on October 1, 2013

I have a confession to make: I have always wanted to write an article detailing a few recipes that have been handed down to me over the years. What has held me back is the conviction that I could not possibly do as good a job as many who have come before me. I mean, writing recipes is for someone with skills that far exceed my own. What business do I have wasting the time of my readers with this nonsense and make no mistake about it, nonsense it is!

However, it occurred to me that there just might be throngs of people out there in the real world who could benefit from my “expertise.” Seriously, I’ve lived into my sixth decade so I must be doing something right, and since many of those years were spent fending for myself in the kitchen one could draw the conclusion that maybe what knowledge I have about food could be beneficial to someone else.

So here we have my first ever article about recipes. I hope you are kind in your reviews; I have tried not to be too detailed in my directions. I fully understand that there are those out there who are “kitchen-challenged” and so I have tried to dumb down my recipes so just about anyone can follow them. I think you will all agree that I have achieved that goal.


Gourmet meat
Gourmet meat

Spam Ala Carte

Ingredients:

1 can of Spam

Directions:

1) Open can and dump contents on a plate

2) Skim off the slimy junk

3) Eat

Option: you can also heat this delicious dish up in the microwave.

What do you think? Sounds great, right? Let me tell you, nothing says bachelor like a can of Spam! You can eat it cold, heated and the truly beautiful thing about it is that it will last seemingly forever. Mix it with some eggs or toss it in with some noodles. My God, the possibilities are endless!

One word of caution: make sure you have no plans for a few hours after eating this gourmet meal. You might want to be near a toilet until it completely clears your system. The nice thing about it is that it will clear your system rather quickly so no worries!


Gourmet cheese
Gourmet cheese

Velveeta in a Blanket

Ingredients:

One pound of Velveeta Cheese

One package of Saltine Crackers

Butter

Directions:

1) Spread butter on two Saltine crackers.

2) Cut thin slices of Velveeta and place one piece of cheese between the buttered crackers.

3) Eat

Option: Do steps 1-3 and then heat in microwave for fifteen seconds. Yummy!

Option 2: Add a piece of Spam between the crackers. Double Yummy!

Oh of course there are skeptics out there who poo-poo Velveeta. They will tell you it isn’t nutritious and it is mostly preservatives and chemicals and on and on and I tell you that it’s all nonsense. Once again we have a food that will last for quite some time if wrapped properly. What I love about this recipe is that it makes an excellent meal or it can be used as a great snack if you have company coming over. The perfect all-purpose food! Do you have buddies coming over to watch the big game? Velveeta in a blanket is your answer! Do you have a major babe stopping by after work? Dazzle her with this thoughtful dish. She will melt in your arms after tasting this great cuisine!


More gourmet meat
More gourmet meat

Festive Hotdogs

Ingredients:

One package hotdogs

One pound Velveeta Cheese

One green pepper

Directions:

1) Slice the hotdogs lengthwise

2) Place a strip of Velveeta inside the hotdog

3) Sprinkle peppers

4) Heat in microwave for 30 seconds

5) Eat

This delectable dish is by no means meant for just any occasion. This is for those special events when only the best is expected. The Velveeta perfectly compliments the hotdog and the peppers will leave you gasping for more. What a beautiful dish this is with the green of the peppers in contrast to the yellow of the cheese…..Magnifique!

There are those who will tell you that hotdogs are not good for you, that they are just ground up pig guts and to those people I say GET A LIFE! What could be more American than a good hotdog? Anybody who badmouths hotdogs needs to be grilled by the CIA or the House Committee On Un-American Activities.

For a great variation and one that is sure to please the most discerning taste buds, boil some elbow macaroni and then melt the cheese and cut up the hotdogs. Mix them all together for an out-of-this-world Mac-n-Cheese-n-Dog meal that is usually served at the finer dining establishments like Bob’s Truck Stop in Topeka and Billy Joe’s Cajun Café in Tupelo.


Gourmet chips
Gourmet chips

Finger Lickin’ Lays

Ingredients:

One pound bag of Lays Potato Chips

One pound of Velveeta Cheese

One can of Spam

One green pepper

Directions:

1) Chop up Spam into bite chunks

2) Dice the pepper

3) Thinly slice Velveeta into strips

4) Pour potato chips onto a platter and sprinkle pepper, spam and cheese on top

5) Heat in microwave for 30 seconds

6) Eat

Are you planning a party anytime soon? Here is the perfect solution for any big gathering, a platter of scrumptious Finger Lickin’ Lays. I’m telling you your guests will leave quite satisfied and begging for your recipe. Either that or they will leave very quickly to get a bite to eat on the way home; either way you are a success.

This was a big hit in college and has served me well over the years. It comes with the Billybuc Seal of Approval so you know it is fantastic!


The chef resting after preparing a meal
The chef resting after preparing a meal | Source

Will you try any of these recipes?

See results

Stay Tuned for More Recipes, Coming Soon

The beauty of these recipes is that they all use basically the same ingredients. You can go to the store, purchase about thirty dollars worth of food and be set for meals for a couple weeks. How cool is that? More money left over for a nice bottle of wine for your meals. I would suggest the Boones Farm 1976, an exquisite bouquet that has a hint of rotten apple in its aroma. You could also go with a nice Mad Dog 20/20, 1981, aged to perfection and guaranteed to flush that colon of yours.

I wish I had more time to share other recipes with you today but Bev is calling me to dinner. Some nonsense about Chef Salad and Pheasant Under Glass. I need to go set her straight once and for all.

Until next time….Bon Appetite!

2012 William D. Holland (aka billybuc)

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    • Sally's Trove profile image

      Sherri 5 years ago from Southeastern Pennsylvania

      You didn't tell the truth, Bill. You never made these things...you googled something like "how bad for you is..." Then you used your hysterical wit to tie them all up at the end. Readers, if you don't believe me, read billybuc's other funny google searches. You can't pull the wool over my eyes, Bill! I needed a laugh this morning. Good one. :)

    • Curiad profile image

      Mark G Weller 5 years ago from Lake Charles, LA.

      Wow Bill, this is great. I'll bet the countries school districts could use your guide:) Might replace the "Pink Slime" they feed the kids now!

      Voted Up

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Sherri, you found me out! How clever of you! Unfortunately my dear I have eaten each and every one of these heart-attack meals and somehow I have lived to tell about it. Thanks for the laugh you provided me!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Mark, somehow I doubt I'll be hearing from any school districts to help them with nutrition! LOL Thanks my friend!

    • profile image

      kelleyward 5 years ago

      LOL I think you stole my father's recipes ha ha. He would make me and my sister spam sandwiches on white bread. No wonder I have diabetes... Just kidding. Voted up And shared!! Take care, Kelley

    • profile image

      onlooker 5 years ago

      Haha, I sure m not buying this Bill. I get the ingredients bit but the last direction "eat"? OK, so funny! Forget about the "babe" she will have a lasting impressing and the last one, literally. Hilarious Bill, thank you!

    • Melovy profile image

      Yvonne Spence 5 years ago from UK

      I’m really enjoying your funny hubs Bill. The title of this one drew me in - not that I want any hairs on my chest! My mum used to tell us that whatever food she wanted us to eat would, "Put hairs on your chest like stalks of rhubarb.” Not really a good way to get us to eat, but fun!

      These meals sound delectable. I might even have to give up decades of vegetarianism so that I can try that spam recipe.

    • phdast7 profile image

      Theresa Ast 5 years ago from Atlanta, Georgia

      What Fun! You have finally found your true calling!

      Brilliantly funny. :) Actually Velveeta (not spam) had figured largely in my family's diet for years. Now we also buy and appreciate cheddar, swiss, parmesan (the ungrated real stuff, even better Romano), and Monterey Jack.

      But for sheer meltability, there is nothing like velveeta. Actually it's a good cheese to introduce very young children to, they often find other cheeses too strong a taste when they are young. Great Hub. :)

    • profile image

      iamaudraleigh 5 years ago

      Bill...lol!!! I love ya Man! However, SPAM...ick! You are creative and may need your cholesteral checked...giggle.

      Voted up...made me giggle.

    • tammyswallow profile image

      Tammy 5 years ago from North Carolina

      Wow.. this is a great list.. for bachelors. Sounds like the things my sons would put together when they are fending for themselves. Their culinary skills do include Oodles of Noodles with ranch dressing. I think you have now provided us all with the biolgogical explanation as to why men have hairy chests. Hilarious!!!

    • Eiddwen profile image

      Eiddwen 5 years ago from Wales

      An original and so funny hub here Billy;I loved it and here's to many many more to read from you my friend.

      Take care and enjoy your day.

      Eddy.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Kelley, did you ever see my tribute to you? You were gone when I wrote it but I want to make sure you see it because it tells you that I think you are great and I really appreciate you.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Ava, you are too funny! Okay, babe forgotten. Thank you my friend!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Yvonne, somehow I can't picture you eating any of these delectable dishes...in fact I can't imagine you standing downwind of them when they are cooking. :)

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      PHdast...I actually and truthfully love Velveeta...I can eat Spam but not like I did as a teen...I now have refined tastes. :) Thank you and I'm glad you enjoyed it.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Audra, I'm glad I could provide a laugh for you this morning. I think I'll pass on that cholesterol checkup; why ruin my day with the truth? :)

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Tammy, I'm willing to bet most men have eaten like this until that day when they met a good woman who pointed out the error of their ways. :) thank you for being you.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Eddy my dear, just having fun because life is all about loving and laughing for this boy. Peace and love to you always

      billy

    • RealHousewife profile image

      Kelly Umphenour 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      Bill - when we eventually get to meet up - I'll do the cookin' ok buddy? Lol. No offense:) lol. Totally awesome hub!!! I am laughing at you!

    • Vinaya Ghimire profile image

      Vinaya Ghimire 5 years ago from Nepal

      I'm not much into cooking, but I love eating.

    • cclitgirl profile image

      Cynthia Calhoun 5 years ago from Western NC

      Ew, SPAM. Ew, Velveeta. Processed food...HEHEHE. Okay, I have a feeling this hub is going to be wildly popular because the people like this stuff. I do so much gardening, I stay away. But, with your wit and charm, I couldn't help but come and read - and you did a great job. :)

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Kelly, it's a deal! Somehow I knew you would suggest that! :) thanks my friend!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Vinaya, obviously I'm not much for cooking either but I'll eat just about anything....again, obviously! Thank you for stopping by!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Cyndi, I haven't figured out yet how to grow Spam on the farm but I'm working on it. :) I'm glad you got a chuckle and thanks my friend, for being such a great friend.

    • fpherj48 profile image

      Paula 5 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      Strange....for some reason, I have no appetite at all. I can't imagine why, after reading all your delectible recipes. YUK....Oh! I mean YUM...... I had no idea you attended a Culinary Institute.......Apparently, you thought the RestRoom was the classroom!! GAWD....does it get any worse than this?

      You might be able to sell this to people who haven't eaten in 2 solid weeks.........Nah, never mind....not even then.

      Please post your menu one week in advance. It definitely needs to come with a warning.

    • Faith Reaper profile image

      Faith Reaper 5 years ago from southern USA

      billybuc, you really do need to set Bev straight, with her putting you through eating such!!! Ha. I believe you may be on to something here. Have you ever tried spam on a white bread hamburger bun with baked beans and onions on top? Yum, Yum. Ha. Love it! In His Love, Faith Reaper

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Paula, your support and encouragement are always appreciated. I think I'm going to print a cookbook with all of my culinary classics. I'll be sure to send you a copy! :)

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Faith, that's an excellent idea! I'll have that this weekend...maybe barbecue the Spam for added flavor! :) Thank you my friend!

    • fpherj48 profile image

      Paula 5 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      bill.....thanks for thinking of me....but that's OK....save the postage. I'll call you when I decide to go on a starvation diet. Your recipes will be perfect for that.

    • Faith Reaper profile image

      Faith Reaper 5 years ago from southern USA

      Oh, yes, the grilling of the spam will just be the icing on the cake for sure! Ha. In His Love, Faith Reaper

    • Ruchira profile image

      Ruchira 5 years ago from United States

      haha...Bill you are hilarious and a great cook too ;)

      the recipes were out of the world and no one can beat this chef and his rocking/smashing recipes...lol

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Paula, I'm shocked and dismayed. I'll write up some new ones that maybe you'll favor more...that's what friends are for. :) Have a good day my friend; go walk by the creek and enjoy May Day!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Faith, I knew you would approve. :) Peace and happiness always!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Glad you enjoyed the hub, Ruchira; please, don't eat any of this! :) I want you around for many years.

    • tillsontitan profile image

      Mary Craig 5 years ago from New York

      I don't understand why your culinary expertise has drawn so many derogatory remarks ;) Doesn't everyone get SPAM...I mean on their computer of course. I don't think you could pay me to put it in my mouth. Velveeta on the other hand used to be a staple for me when my four kids were little. I agree with phdast7, it's great for kids - little kids. I think you may be on to something; your wit and recipes could go a long way! Voted up and funny.

    • teaches12345 profile image

      Dianna Mendez 5 years ago

      This was a good read, humorous at times, but interesting! It comes from a man's true inner desire for a life of food pleasures (my hubby makes some of your recipes -- he would vote this hub way up there!). Thanks for the smile in my day.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Till, there is no accounting for why people find me funny! This is the same stuff I have rolled out for decades and it's pure silliness...I guess we all need some silliness in our lives. Thank you my friend!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Teaches, I think most men have chowed down on some Spam over the years. It is, to say the least, an acquired taste. :) Thank you as always!

    • Tina Hope profile image

      Tina Hope 5 years ago from UK

      Awesome!=D

    • Georgie Lowery profile image

      Georgianna Lowery 5 years ago from Slaton, Texas USA

      I've gotten more healthy in my old age. I now eat Vienna sausages with Wheat Thins instead of saltines. I am also getting my best friend a case of Spam with bacon for her birthday. She might kill me.

      Awesome hub!

    • always exploring profile image

      Ruby Jean Fuller 5 years ago from Southern Illinois

      HaHaHa. I almost didn't read because i absolutely refuse to have hair on my chest. This was a fun read, cracked me up...

    • Wesman Todd Shaw profile image

      Wesman Todd Shaw 5 years ago from Kaufman, Texas

      Probably the best of the male produced recipe hubs I've seen - this is cut the frills and straight to the chase stuff here...and just the kind of food that I'd always ate, and only recently progressed from.

      The progress: - same shit you have, but I add Louisiana Hot Sauce!!!!!!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Glad you liked it Tina; thank you for dropping by again.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      The perfect gift, Georgie, for your friend. Love it! I agree, Vienna sausages are much healthier. LOL

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Ruby, I'm always happy when I can provide a laugh or two. Tomorrow I turn serious again but I had to get this one out of my system. :) thank you!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Wesman, truth be known I've progressed finally and don't eat Spam any longer. I may never move away from Velveeta, though, and I love your idea of Louisiana Hot Sauce! Glad you enjoyed my ramblings!

    • Nell Rose profile image

      Nell Rose 5 years ago from England

      Well I don't care what anybody says, I think it sounds delicious! lol! nearly as good as my 'baked potato, shove in the microwave, wait until they are nearly burned to a crisp, add cheese stick back in micro then add tuna! talk about chef de cuisine! haha!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Nell, you are a talking my language! :) It's amazing how many things you can do with a simple potato! LOL....thank you!

    • phdast7 profile image

      Theresa Ast 5 years ago from Atlanta, Georgia

      billybuc - I actually love and eat velveeta too. Fabulous for Mexican Cheese dip and other assorted things.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Phdast7, it is indeed. I now know we will be lifelong friends. :)

    • Victoria Lynn profile image

      Victoria Lynn 5 years ago from Arkansas, USA

      Wow, the green pepper dressing things up is impressive. haha--so funny. This sounds like some of my boyfriend's "bachelor food," as he calls it. Loved this hub. Keep more awesome recipe hubs coming. :-) Many votes and sharing with the hub world!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Thanks, Vicki! I had tons of fun writing it. Of course I would never eat like this. LOL

    • Victoria Lynn profile image

      Victoria Lynn 5 years ago from Arkansas, USA

      Bill, you should put your mouth where your money is (so to speak) and try every one of these recipes! :-)

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Shhh, Vicki, don't tell anyone but I already have! :)

    • Victoria Lynn profile image

      Victoria Lynn 5 years ago from Arkansas, USA

      hahaha. Well, don't tell anybody that I think Velveeta is awesome! Nothing melts better!!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Your secret is safe Vicki!

    • Lady_E profile image

      Elena 5 years ago from London, UK

      Thanks for the mouth watering Recipes. The Festive Hotdogs is my favourite.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Always happy to help Lady E! I'm just a guy who likes to lend support when it's needed. :) Thank you my friend!

    • vespawoolf profile image

      vespawoolf 4 years ago from Peru, South America

      I'm still giggling as I write this comment! Like many bachelors, my husband used to eat dishes like this...there's a lot of merit in this hub and I can see it's hugely popular! I won't promise to try anything, though, as I don't want hair on my chest. Thanks for sharing! : )

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Vespa, I would never suggest any of these except with a smile on my face. I think we all would be happy if you kept hair off of your chest. :)

    • moonlake profile image

      moonlake 3 years ago from America

      I would eat everyone of these except for spam. If I had to I would even eat that. I saw them selling spam sandwichs on food trucks and people were buying them. Enjoyed your hub.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 3 years ago from Olympia, WA

      moonlake, you must have a good stomach like me if you would eat this stuff. LOL Thank you!

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