Angry Birds: Horrifying and Disgusting Video Game

Recently, a wildly popular video game burst into the collective consciousness of otherwise sane humans who insist on using their telephones to amuse themselves. At the expense of helpless birdies, innumerable porcine victims have fallen prey to birds launched as ballistics. It's true. How does ostensibly polite society sink to such levels? Where will this new trend lead?

Angry Birds represents a trend of animated animal abuse rivaling any activity taking place in real corn fields with real shotguns. Harmless birds crash into luscious pigs that would otherwise make tasty BLT sandwiches and other bacon accomplishments. We shudder at the volumes of potential bacon that have been wasted in the name of time-wasting. No momma pig raised her piglets for the purposes of becoming target practice for vindictive hollow-boned wing flappers.

Throughout history, birds have been friendly and helpful. Except for those horrible birds that pecked all those nice people to death in Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds, every bird we've known has proven kind and considerate. Birds happily gobble down sunflower seeds in the back yard, brightening otherwise dreary Winter mornings. Birds sing gaily to wake us up at sunrise. Birds perch lightly on power lines that should electrocute them instantly.

What motivates a bird to take direct action against a pig? Have not birds and pigs co-existed for thousands of years in barnyards? Who among us has not sighed contentedly at the sight of chickens and porkers serenely sharing acreage behind the barn? For some reason, a schism exists: birds have taken up arms against pigs. Actually, the little tweeters are so upset that they are launching themselves as weapons against their barnyard brothers.

Intercession is called for. PETA must step into the breach. Long-suffering animal-rights advocates cannot remain silent any longer. We call upon surviving ancestors of John James Audubon and Jimmy Dean to come forward. Negotiating committees should coalesce. The process may prove long and arduous, like watching The View, but hopefully the outcome will be worth the effort. Birds must be placated, if only for the good of the pig population.

As with any social phenomenon such as Justin Bieber or The White House vegetable garden, an array of cottage industry hangers-on have popped up like mushrooms under an outhouse. Angry Bird T-shirts, coffee mugs, and camouflage netting are all available in massive quantities on eBay. The Angry Bird brand has gone global. At their last convention, leaders of G8 nations were observed playing a secret networked version of the game during riot breaks.

Obviously, an uncomfortable Angry Bird mania grips the world as we know it. Pig farmers loose much sleep fretting over their flocks. They dread waking up at dawn, only to discover unbridled pig devastation where their big fat meal tickets once happily rolled in the mud. The mere sight of birds flying in organized formations brings fear to lovers of bacon bits. This is not a zero-sum gain scenario, people. Wake up before you are left with artificial bacon crumbles on your Super Bowl nachos. It could happen.

The actual program that incited this argle bargle originated in a room that probably doesn't even have birds. Unsuspecting computer programmers could never have suspected that their product could arouse such extreme levels of emotion in countries where birds are revered and eaten in sandwiches with tasty barbecue sauce. Never again will these hapless computer scientists be able to stand in line at KFC without nervously looking over their shoulder for vengeful pigs.

Bird spokesbirds claim that rogue pigs continue stealing their eggs. No proof is offered, nor can we be sure of the particulars, given that birds can't actually talk and their little talons don't adapt well to any keyboard, no matter how ergonomically designed.

Absconded eggs may well be planted into pig strongholds in bizarre attempts to implicate helpless piggies. Pitying the birds tends to prove problematic, given that wholesale pig slaughter has resulted from baseless accusations. It's a bad scene that everyone might be responsible for..

Pigs lack physical tools for stealing eggs. The pig foot, while a tasty treat in some parts of the Food Network cable TV channel, proves woefully lacking in manual dexterity. Even the most nimble pig would have no hope of nabbing a nest of avian ova. Pigs simply cannot pick up and carry away a dozen eggs unless they are contained in a cardboard carton. Pig technology has advanced little beyond deploying snouts to dig up tubers.

Humans can help. Birds can help too, but we assume that you are not a bird: if you are, please stop reading now and find a human to sing to.

Humans, well, most humans, have developed a skill for getting in the middle of disputes and attempting to find resolution. Cable TV news channels are replete with panels of well-educated talking heads who willingly interfere in all manner of public and private matters. We need some of these folks to get between the pigs and the birds. We need them to learn precisely why the birds are so angry. Having this many angry birds flapping around and launching themselves towards unsuspecting pigs may be a good thing for sales of wireless phones, but the social fabric of modern society has become threadbare. Soon the evil reek of inhospitable animal animosity will tug at the loose threads and the entire cloak of communal harmony will unravel like the plot of a second-season episode of Burn Notice, which was fresh and new in the first season but has become trite and predictable since then.

Please, stop playing this game. Look instead for games such as Happy Birds or Birds Playing with Pigs or Las Vegas Traffic Mayhem. If you're a software developer, turn your prodigious talent toward improving the greater good of animal-to-animal relations. Design and program games that will prevent wholesale slaughter of domesticated beasts. The world needs your help.

Pigs have been observed massing at the borders of factory farms. As far as we know. Late night raiding parties of feral beasts have been recorded by security cameras outside Verizon and AT&T phone stores. We fully expect a rash of bad graffiti when the pigs convince someone to tape spray paint cans to their noses.

Things are getting ugly posthaste. Bird-pig relations may well be strained to the breaking point. Unless cooler heads and beaks and snouts prevail, we could be looking at full-scale avian-mammal conflict.

The authors call upon level-headed pigs to work sincerely toward peace with all of bird-kind.